Bisexuality

What is a bisexual?

A bisexual person is someone who is sexually attracted to both sexes, but that doesn't necessarily mean equally. Guys and girls can be bisexual and, as with heterosexuality and homosexuality, bisexuality is not a choice.

Myths about bisexuality

'Bisexuals can't be faithful or settle for a relationship with one gender. They want sex with both genders and feel trapped with just one partner.'

A person's desire to be faithful to their partner has nothing to do with sexuality. Genuine commitment means something, whether you are attracted to men, women or both. In theory, when a bisexual person walks down the street they might spot both men and women who they find attractive, but this doesn't make a bisexual person who's in a happy monogamous relationship any more likely to stray.

Even when madly in love, it's normal to notice other people who we find attractive, but anyone who's genuinely in love and happy with their partner isn't preoccupied with thoughts of having sex with other people.

If you're worried that your bisexual partner is going to cheat purely because of their sexuality, then the real problem is with your outlook and a lack of trust.

'Bisexuals use gay people for sex and thrills before settling down with an opposite-sex partner when they get older.'

It does happen, but it's not the rule. Most people still think that getting married and producing children is the only option for a normal and accepted lifestyle. Some bisexual people don't feel validated by their same-sex relationships and think that ultimately they need to conform. But some gay people do this too. I've had many emails over the years from gay and bisexual people who are married and don't feel they can hide their same-sex desires any more. It takes courage to be who you are and some find it tougher than others. There are plenty of bisexual people who view same-sex relationships as being just as valid and worthwhile as heterosexual relationships, and don't feel that they've missed the boat or compromised their happiness if they don't get married and produce children.

'Bisexuals are just greedy.'

This suggests that people decide to become bisexual because they want more choice when it comes to sex and relationships. People don't decide to be bisexual (or gay or straight). It's not like walking into the supermarket and deciding that you want all the ice cream flavours. Physical attraction and romantic love just happen. Nobody can control these feelings or decide what individuals inspire those feelings in us. A great deal of emotional distress and suffering is caused when we're not at peace with our feelings of attraction and where they lead us. It's this conflict between what a person feels and what they think is right that accounts for a large percentage of the problem page emails I receive.

'"Bisexual" is just a cowardly and easier word to use than "gay" when coming out.'

Some people test the water by coming out as bisexual when really they are gay. Coming out as gay can be a scary thing to do. It's very definite and absolute, with no room for misinterpretation. Many feel that the bisexual label allows their family and friends to believe that there's still a chance of a heterosexual life and their acceptance. At the same time, the bisexual label allows an individual to state that they sometimes experience same-sex attraction. On paper, it sounds like the best of both worlds for someone worried about coming out. The reality is that it raises many of the same issues as coming out as gay.

From reading your emails over the years it seems that the most common way for a gay person to come out is to admit to being gay, but a notable amount of gay readers have come out as bisexual. These readers often have the intension of coming out as fully gay once they've gauged the reaction to coming out as bisexual. It's also worth noting that when some people come out as bisexual they do so because they aren't completely sure of their sexuality and simply don't think the gay label fits them. And, of course, a lot of people come out as bisexual simply because they are!

'Bisexuals can choose between being with men and women on a whim.'

While I have met some bisexuals who feel that they find men and women equally appealing, it's seems that more often people lean more toward one sex than the other. Bisexual doesn't mean equally attraction to men and women. Sexuality can shift throughout life too, with some people in happy heterosexual relationships freely admitting to having had committed same-sex relationships in the past. In the real world, people don't toss a coin to decide if they want a woman or a man today.

'Everyone would be bisexual if we weren't so messed up about sexuality!'

It's true that religion, prejudice, family pressure, guilt and the desire to conform leave a lot of people feeling that they have no choice but to bury any same-sex desire that they may have. Some people imagine a future where, free from the above concerns and the obsession with labels, bisexuality would be the norm, with people simply thinking in terms of attraction and regarding gender as irrelevant. I think that it's naïve and idealistic to think that everyone is bisexual and simply hasn't tapped into it, because it's very clear that there are straight and gay people who are open-minded, completely at peace with their sexuality and have a firm sense of self. But it's intriguing to imagine what a future, free from guilt about same-sex desire, would look like. It's safe to say that while there wouldn't be more bisexual people magically popping into existence, same-sex relationships would increase because people would feel free to explore their desires without fear.

'Bisexual people don't fit into the straight or gay world.'

People like to categorise things. It's how we make sense of our lives and it makes us feel secure. After all, most of the emails I've ever received on this website are from people who feel they can't be at peace until they can completely understand and categorise their own sexuality; to put themselves in the gay or straight box. Something that isn't one thing or the other can make people feel uneasy and uncertain. To some, bisexuality is the lack of a proper, definitive sexuality tag i.e. it's someone who can't make up their mind between straight or gay - someone who's confused. The shades of grey that bisexuality represents can leave questions and concerns for that make them people feel uncomfortable. But the world is complex and people can't simply be dropped into a handful of categories. Bisexual people don't need to shoehorn themselves into gay or straight labels to satisfy others' sense of order. Being attracted to both men and women is a valid and natural form of sexuality in its own right.

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If you think you might be bisexual

If you think you might be bisexual, here are some thoughts and ideas to help:

• It doesn't matter if you are in a relationship with a man or a woman. The only important thing is whether that person makes you feel happy and complete.
• Don't try to force yourself to like either gender. It's simply not possible to make yourself feel something that doesn't want to come naturally.
• Try not to be scared of your feelings. Listen to the information your mind and body are giving you about who you find attractive and what you want. The answers are right there inside you if you block out the white noise and listen.
• Labels, like straight, gay and bisexual, are comforting and give us a sense of identity and order in our lives, but don't be in a rush to adopt one. Sexuality needs time to form fully and you may find yourself drawn in various directions during your teens and early 20s. Sometimes labels can make us feel restricted and cut off from possibilities. You might find that a label you give yourself today doesn't feel right in a year's time.
• Coming out is a personal thing and it's your decision. Don't be pressured into announcing your sexuality, and it's okay to tell people that you simply aren't sure.