How to deal with bullying
It's normal to want to be liked at school and work, to enjoy yourself, have fun with your friends, and to expect a safe environment where people are equally valued and respected. Bullies can stop us from fitting in and feeling safe, and leave us lacking confidence and feeling very much alone.
I was bullied at secondary school for three years because I wasn't like the other boys. I didn't like football, preferred the company of girls, and was softly spoken. I was gay, and although not open about it, a group of pupils knew I was different and they bullied me because of it.
Bullying can affect all aspects of a person's life.
Why do people bully each other?
Bullies are people who enjoy, for one reason or another, abusing and undermining other people, often because their chosen victim is different in some way. This might be because the victim is gay, from a different racial background, or because they look different or behave a certain way. Being bullied because you are gay is called homophobic bullying. Of course, nobody deserves to be bullied, no matter what their background, behaviour or physical appearance, but bullies tend to focus on people they notice as distinct or different. The bully may also feel that their victim is weaken than they are - physically, emotionally or both.
People bully each other for many different reasons. A popular explanation is that bullies are insecure people who work out their problems and find the power and confidence they lack by bullying others. Sometimes this is true, but it’s not always the case. The bully may feel he has to act tough to impress his friends, who in turn are bullies. Maybe the bully has aggressive and unsympathetic parents. Growing up in a house where there is violence, a lack of love and positive influence can produce a very angry and aggressive person who communicates as he or she's been taught: with anger and by inflicting pain. Sometimes the bullies are victims of bullying themselves and have a lot of anger and hurt to deal with. It is also true – and seldom admitted - that some people simply get a kick out of humiliating and tormenting other people and this is all the justification they need.
Am I being bullied?
Bullying takes on many forms. It can range from name calling and verbal abuse to being physically attacked. Other forms of bullying include:
- Being deliberately excluded from a group
- Having rumours spread about you
- Having your possessions tampered with or stolen
- Pranks that are performed on you that others may find funny but that make you feel uncomfortable
- Being pushed or intimidated into doing something you don’t want to do
- Being undermined and made to feel less valued than others
- Constant criticism
What can I do to stop the bullying?
It’s a good idea to keep a record of the things that the bully does to you, so that you don’t forget. This will be useful if you need to ask for help. Remember to save nasty emails and texts for the same reason. Stay in a group if you can, and use the support of your friends. You could try talking to the person who is bullying you, if you feel able and the bully is approachable. They may not realise how their actions are affecting you, or may simply not have given much thought to the things they’ve said and done to you. If the person is reasonable, a talk might be all that’s needed to get the bullying stopped. If this doesn’t work or if the bullying is more serious or you are being targeted by more than one person, then you need outside help. Speak to a teacher or parent about what is happening to you. It may be a scary step to take but telling someone about the bullying signifies a shift in power and control: you’re taking it away from the bullies and claiming it back for yourself. Why should someone else get to decide whether you are happy or not, or how much you do or don’t enjoy your daily life? That’s your job.
What will happen after I speak up?
The bullies should be spoken to by a teacher and told that their behaviour is unacceptable. They should be asked to stop bullying you, and told that they will be punished if they persist. They may be punished at this stage if the teacher feels its the right action to take. Threats of being suspended, or involving their parents will make them think twice about bullying again, and in many cases the bullying stops at this point. Sometimes the bully won’t have realised how much he or she was hurting their victim and may feel embarrassed and guilty. Having adult intervention is a real wake-up call and can bring the bullies to their senses and stops things getting worse.
In my case, my dad called a teacher and the three pupils who were bullying me were spoken to, but not actually punished. I was so scared at the time. I thought the boys would give me a harder time for speaking up. What actually happened though was that they left me alone after that. One of them even apologised to me. I was able to enjoy my final year in school. Sadly, I’d spent the previous two years being very unhappy and I wish I’d spoken up sooner.
Being bullied at work
The same principles can be applied if you’re being bullied in the workplace.
Remember, your employer is responsible for preventing the bullying of its staff and there are various equality and discrimination acts to protect you. Initially, try to resolve the matter by speaking to the people involved if you feel comfortable enough to do this. You might also consider writing to them via email if that’s easier for you or the bully isn’t reasonable when directly approached. Explain how they’re affecting your life and ask them to stop. Stick to the facts and avoid aggressive or overly emotional language. If they aren’t receptive, the next stage is to take the matter to your manager or supervisor. If this doesn’t yield results, take the matter up with your union representative or human resources at your place of work. Beyond this you can seek advice from Citizens Advice Bureaux or ACAS. You may ultimately decide to make a formal complaint against the company if the problem is not addressed, but this should be a last resort.
Ultimately, an efficient and productive company is one with happy employees that get on and work well with each other. It’s in your employers interest to resolve bullying issues so that this can be achieved.
If you are being bullied because of your sexuality but you don't want to tell your parents or teachers that you are gay
The fact that you are being bullied is the only relevant thing here, not why you are being bullied. Remember, there is no justification for bullying anyone. You don’t have to tell your parents or teachers that the bullies are using homophobic language or motives if you don’t want to. You might choose to say that the bullies use nasty words that hurt you, but you’d rather not repeat them. A large percentage of homophobically bullied pupils will never tell because they are scared that the person they ask for help from will discover that they are gay. If you choose to tell your parents or teacher exactly what the bullies are saying, it isn’t an automatic admission of your sexuality. Bullies use homophobic language on straight people too, and often use it to harass anyone they see as different, not just people they know – or think they know – are gay.
Depending on how you feel about other people knowing about your sexuality, you might want to state that you are being bullied because you are gay. Schools have a legal duty to deal with homophobic bullying, so a complaint should be taken very seriously and stamped on like any form of prejudiced bullying. However, coming out in the middle of an already stressful situation can add more pressure. The important thing is that you get help. It’s then up to you how much detail you offer.
Your well being is what’s relevant here, not your sexuality.
Coping with life after being bullied
Some people are bullied for so long and so badly that even when the bullying stops, the negative messages from the bullies linger on inside a person’s mind and affects their ability to enjoy life. Ex-bullied people can have problems with nervousness, shyness, a low sense of self worth and low confidence. In more extreme cases, panic attacks, depression, acute anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts can follow a time of bullying.
People who have experienced bullying might:
- Have problems trusting people
- Avoid relationships
- Avoid career opportunities because they assume they aren’t good enough
- Avoid socialising because they fear what other people think of them
- Criticise themselves harshly and constantly, even for small mistakes they might make
- Often imagine the worst case scenario, and tend to expect the worst from people and situations
- Find it hard to enjoy the things they like, convincing themselves that it won’t last or tainting it in some way
- Have problems speaking to people
- Lack assertiveness
- Spend time worrying about what strangers in the street think
- Experience strong emotions that they feel they can’t deal with
As an ex-bullied person, the worst thing you can do is shut yourself away. Staying at home and avoiding people allows your fears to go unchallenged and for your confidence to stay low. How do you know whether people out there are good and friendly if you don’t go out and give them a chance? Even going for a walk on your own can lighten your mood and help you feel more in touch with the outside world. Get in touch with friends, go out for a meal or to the cinema. Interacting with people will build your confidence and take your mind off your worries. It will also give you a more healthy and balanced outlook on the world: it’s not as scary as you might think and there’s a lot of good things to get involved in.
If you think it might help, write a letter to your old school saying what happened to you and how the bullying affected your life; lay some demons to rest. You might not get a reply, but you will have been heard and you’ll have faced your painful memories head-on. I did this and got a phone call from the head master who apologised and asked for my input into preventing homophobic bullying. It was a very positive experience.
The bullies might have said awful things to you and made you question your worth. Perhaps you’re avoiding furthering your education or pushing your career onward because of the things they made you believe about yourself. Try to focus on the real picture. Think about your abilities and the things you do well. Think about your interests, hobbies and passions, and pursue them. The bullies didn’t know you. Nothing they said was worth listening to. There’s no reason why you can’t do the things you’d like to do with your life.
If you feel you aren’t coping well, counselling may help. I’ve had it in the past and it’s taught me techniques for challenging negative thought patterns and behavioural habits I’d fallen into that were holding me back from enjoying life. You might find it beneficial to talk about the bullying, especially if you haven’t opened up about it before. This can be a painful experience but is followed by a sense of released pressure that you’ve been saving up for a long time. Think of it as cleaning out the pipes in your head so that good things can start to get in. Some counsellors prefer to focus on the present and see less value in digging at the past. They can teach you techniques that halt negative thinking patterns and eventually break the hold these thoughts have on your life. Sometimes people keep the bully alive in their minds which can prevent that person from liking themselves and being happy. Counselling can help you to be kinder to yourself and see things in a more balanced, logical and positive way. Your doctor can refer you, but expect a waiting list. The waiting time varies depending on the services in your area. Private counselling or therapy is also an option if you can afford it, though it can be expensive. The best way to find a good private counsellor or therapist is to ask around. You may be surprised by how many people have had therapies of different kinds, for things like giving up smoking and tackling phobias, to coping with grief and long-term emotional problems. See what private therapists are available in your area (try a search online). Many offer a free initial consultation so you can meet and decide if you like them and their techniques (such as hypnotherapy and cognitive behavioural therapy) before paying anything.
Your doctor may prescribe medication for depression or anxiety problems. Try not to be scared of this or to see it as some kind of defeat. Acknowledging your problems and taking steps to solve them is a very positive thing to do. Medication is a personal choice. Some prefer not to use it, while others swear by it. It can help you cope in the short term, to feel more balanced, relaxed and in control, and leave you more receptive to longer term treatment like counselling and other therapies.
Read the Looking after your mental health section for more help.
It’s not easy to find the courage to tackle bullying, and its effects on life afterwards can be unexpected, but the only way forward is to face what’s happening to you head on and take action. You don’t have to be a victim, during or after the bullying.