Coming out (page 1 of 2)
What is coming out?
Coming out is the process of telling people that you are gay. Coming out is often referred to as 'coming out of the closet'. The closet represents the hiding of your sexuality.
'After being with my girlfriend for a while I decided to tell my parents that i was gay. They were also fine with it. I feel as though maybe my mother isn't pleased about it, but she's coming to terms with it. My father's really fine with it. They both treat me the same and nothing's changed. I'm still their daughter and I've been accepted for who I am.'
- Rebecca
Coming out can be:
- Complete, or 'out to everyone': you tell most people and don't generally mind who finds out
- Controlled, or 'out to certain people': you tell selected people, perhaps close friends and relatives who you trust to keep the news to themselves
Let's look at the benefits of coming out:
- Coming out is a big step forward in terms of accepting yourself and saying to the world that you think it’s okay to be gay and that you don’t think you should have to hide your sexuality any longer. It’s assertive, a confidence boost and can kick-start a new chapter of positive change in your life.
Being honest with yourself about your sexuality is the first step toward coming out.
- Coming out can bring you closer to your friends and family. When a person is worried about their sexuality and trying to hide it, the secrecy creates a distance between that person and the people he or she cares about. Once the truth is out, a gay person often becomes more relaxed. They can be themselves and allow their friends and family to get to know them much better. Many people report that friendships and family bonds become stronger once there’s less secrecy involved.
- It’s easier to meet other gay people if you are out, go on dates and have a relaxed social life without secrets and sneaking around. Spending all your time trying to pretend that you are straight creates an obstacle for a potential gay friend, boyfriend or girlfriend. An out gay person is more accessible and easier to get to know for other gay people.
- You may find that coming out gives other gay friends the courage to do the same. You may be surprised how many other gay people seem to appear once you get the ball rolling. I remember starting a new job a few years ago. There was one man in the office who I had a feeling was gay. When he saw how people responded to the news of my homosexuality, he promptly came out, and seemed much happier and more relaxed in the office.
'Right this minute I'm thinking about coming out at college, but I don't think I will for a while at least, but I don't really mind who knows any more and I like who I am - I actually like being gay, so it shouldn't be too awful!! Anyway, if someone asks me I'll admit to it, apart from that, well we'll see.'
- Fina
- Many people feel happier, calmer, more confident and more positive about the future after coming out. Being in the closet can be a lonely, worrying and unhappy place. Denying your feelings, lying to loved ones and putting on an act to please others is unhealthy and can be costly in terms of your emotional well-being.
How to come out
- Being honest with yourself about your sexuality is even more important than being honest with others. Pretending to yourself that you are not gay when you are is as pointless as feeling bad because you aren't a badger, and will only make you unhappy in the long term. Come out to yourself first!
- You should only come out when you feel ready. Never do it because someone else thinks you should. It’s a personal choice, so follow your instincts. Feel as confident as you can about who you are and what you want before you tell others that you are gay.
- Test the water first. If you're not sure how people will react, get them talking about homosexuality in general and see what they say and how they behave. Mention a famous gay person in the news, a gay singer, or the new gay bar that's just opened nearby. If people respond in a positive and balanced way, or if there's simply no particularly noticeable response to the topic, then you can be more confident of coming out to them. On the other hand, if people are negative or even hostile around the subject of homosexuality, then it's wise to be cautious when considering coming out to those people. Keep in mind though that some people react differently when around their friends, perhaps joking and teasing, so don't be too quick to write someone off as homophobic. Also, people sometimes react to someone close to them being gay differently to how you might think they'd react based on what they say about gay people on TV.
'It took a few days to prepare myself, my Mom has a short temper and I never really bothered asking about her views on the subject, but when I did I got a fairly shocking response. Mom: "So you're bisexual." Me: "Yep." Mom: "Me too." She wasn't kidding.'
- Alvi
- Remember, a lot of straight people don't knowingly know any gay people, so your coming out may well be a new experience for them as well as you.
- Think about who you want to come out to. Do you mind if everyone knows, or do you want a controlled coming out? It’s no good coming out to the school gossip if you aren’t ready for everyone to know. Telling a close and trusted friend may be the best place to start. You may welcome their support later when moving on to telling other people and - sometimes more difficult - your parents.
- Some people say coming out to girls is easier than to boys as they are often more open-minded and sensitive, and not governed by macho image and how they feel homosexuality compromises it. Start with a female friend if you think this might be easier.
- Anticipate questions you might be asked. You might be asked things that seem really daft to you. You may even encounter some of the things in the Gay myths and stereotypes section. Be ready to give calm and considered replies. Try not to be too touchy, even if some of the things said seem offensive. It’s often the result of a lack of knowledge rather than a deliberate attempt to hurt your feelings. Be patient, especially with parents. They may have all sorts of weird ideas about what being gay means and entails. Help them to understand. Point them in the direction of the Advice for parents and friends section.
- Choose a time to tell people when they are relaxed and not in the middle of an upheaval or upset of any kind. This is especially important to consider when coming out to parents; choose a time - if at all possible - when the home is tranquil!
- Consider telling one parent first, perhaps one you feel will handle your coming out better than the other. This way you may have some support from one parent when you tell the other.
'I was very nervous but I made myself do it. My mum was in her room and I said "Mum can i talk to you" then I told her I was gay, and she smiled and hugged me for ages and said "I love you so much".Then I told my Dad and he was so fine with it I couldn't believe lol. I had the best night sleep that evening because it felt like a huge weight had been taken off me and the knot in my belly I had felt for so long was gone. I feel like a new person, I feel like me now. Believe me I know how hard it is not just to come out but to admit you're gay to yourself, but I would strongly recommed it because everyone needs to be happy. I'M PROUD OF WHO I AM.'
- Eddie
- When coming out to anyone, it’s best to be as sure as you can that you won’t be disturbed and that you have a decent amount of time with the person you intend telling. Meet at a favourite café or go for a walk together – and turn your mobile phone off! Depending on how the person reacts, the coming out part might be over very quickly and feel like an anticlimax, but it’s best to have plenty of time in case either of you need it.
- Don’t be disappointed if you don’t get cheers and congratulations. Often people just don’t know how to react to the news, but it doesn’t mean they have a problem with your sexuality. Again, be patient with people. It may be your first time coming out, but it may also be the first time they've been come out to.
- If you come out when very young (under 16) you may find that you are told that you are going through a same-sex attraction phase and will grow out of it. This was a very popular idea when I was at school (17 years ago!) and still seems to be knocking about more than it should. It is true that sexuality changes, and that a lot of young people have same-sex experiences but go on to be heterosexual - but it's also true that a lot of gay and bisexual people know full well what they are from a very young age. Be patient with people, but be firm too - you know how you feel and how real it is.