Coming out (page 2 of 2)
Things to consider when coming out to parents
There are some special considerations when coming out to parents.
Although it sounds cold, you have to consider the fact that your parents provide you with a home and financial support. If they are openly prejudice toward gay people, coming out may not be wise while you are still living at home.
Think firstly about how they have reacted to gay people on television or perhaps when they’ve seen gay people in town etc. Did they react in a negative or hostile way? Think also about how they have handled other issues in your life. Have they always been supportive and understanding? Have they shown love even when you’ve been in trouble? What about times when you have made decisions they didn’t like. Did they support you even though they disapproved? The answers to these questions will guide you in your decision to come out to your parents.
'The day I stopped trying to label myself, everything seemed so simple suddenly. The people around me just accept that I'm me, and really that's all I am. My only advice for other people is don't stress! Sure, I was so lucky that everyone around me were supportive. But it really isn't as bad as you think it is, you are you, nothing more, nothing less. As long as you're honest with yourself, that's all that really matters. Rushing to try and label yourself sometimes just confuses you more.'
- Shelly
If you are particularly worried that your parents will react badly then consider coming out to them once you have left home and are financially independent. This way, not only will they have time apart from you to get used to your news, but they can’t create difficulties for you by removing financial support or asking you to leave the home suddenly. If you think your parents will react badly to your coming out but you want to do it before leaving home regardless, ask yourself these questions first: Do you have a place to go if you are forced to leave home? Do you have back-up financial support if your parents cut you off?
These points aren’t designed to alarm you. Many parents turn out to be supportive of their gay child, even if it takes them a while to adjust. But it is important to know that some young gay people have found themselves in tough situations after coming out to their parents. It’s better to be prepared for various outcomes, especially if you suspect your parents won’t be supportive.
To better understand how your homosexuality affects your parents, read the Advice for parents and friends section, especially, Adjusting your expectations of your son or daughter after you find out that they are gay.
If people react badly to your news:
- If after you come out to someone they refuse to talk or seem hostile, consider sending them an email or letter. This will enable you to say everything you want to in a well thought out way, without getting nervous or reacting emotionally like you might face-to-face. It gives the recipient time to think about things without feeling confronted.
- Just as it took you a while to get used to being different, it can take the people you come out to time to adjust. Giving people time to digest the information can make a big difference to their attitude toward you.
'I took my Mom into the living room, and I told her that I was gay. She started to cry saying that I couldn't do this to her, that I can't be gay, that I was joking with her. I usually do joke to her about this. My Dad walked in, saw my Mom crying, and finally I told him. He was saying that it wasn't right, but he'll live with it. He kept repeating that it wasn't right, that it wasn't right, and I just hated it, I hated it.'
- Carlos
- It's a sad fact that some people view homosexuality in a negative way and may believe that it's an illness, is evil or a perversion etc. Have a look at the Gay myths and stereotypes section of this website to see the kinds of things some people genuinely believe about gay people. Against these kind of bigoted views it can be hard to get through to someone and reeducate them, but it's worth trying. Sometimes you can show someone with homophobic views that they are wrong. Seeing a real gay person (i.e. you!) can challenge stereotypes and beliefs that people hold.
'...as for my parents... well... I did tell them but I think my Mum thought it was just a phase and ignored it.'
- Emma
- Sometimes you have to accept that someone is homophobic and won't change, and therefore the friendship has come to an end. This can be painful when it's someone you care about, but is it better to hide your sexuality in order to keep a homophobic friend, or to be true to yourself and allow people to value you for who you really are? Real friends are the ones who care about you just as much after you come out.