Coming out (page 1 of 2)

What is coming out?

Coming out is the process of telling people that you are gay. Coming out is often referred to as 'coming out of the closet'. The closet represents the hiding of your sexuality.

Coming out can be:

• complete, or 'out to everyone'. This means that you tell most people and don't generally mind who finds out; or
• controlled, or 'out to certain people'. This means that you tell selected people, perhaps close friends and relatives who you trust.

The benefits of coming out:

• Coming out is a big step forward in terms of accepting yourself and saying to the world that you think it’s okay to be gay and that you don’t think you should have to hide your sexuality any longer. It’s assertive, a confidence boost and can kick-start a new chapter of positive change in your life.
• Coming out can bring you closer to your friends and family. When a person is worried about their sexuality and trying to hide it, the secrecy creates a distance between that person and the people he or she cares about. Once the truth is out, a gay person often becomes more relaxed. They can be themselves and allow their friends and family to get to know them much better. Many people report that friendships and family bonds become stronger once the secrecy created by sexuality concerns is lifted.
• It’s easier to meet other gay people if you are out. You can more easily go on dates, and generally have a more relaxed social life without secrets and sneaking around. Spending all your time trying to pretend that you are straight creates obstacles for a potential gay friend or partner. An out gay person is more accessible and easier to get to know for other gay people.
• You may find that coming out gives other gay friends the courage to do the same. You may be surprised at how many other gay people seem to appear once you get the ball rolling. I remember starting a new job a few years ago. There was one man in the office who I had a feeling was gay. When he saw how people responded to the news of my homosexuality, he came out, and seemed much happier and more relaxed in the office.
• Many people feel happier, calmer, more confident and more positive about the future after coming out. Being in the closet can be a lonely, worrying and unhappy place. Denying your feelings, lying to loved ones and putting on an act to please others is unhealthy and can be costly in terms of your emotional well-being.

How to come out

• Being honest with yourself about your sexuality is the best place to start. Pretending to yourself that you are not gay when you are is as pointless as feeling bad because you aren't a badger! Denial will only make you unhappy in the long term. Come out to yourself first.
• You should only come out when you feel ready. Never do it because someone else thinks you should. It’s a personal choice, so take all the time you need.
• Test the water first. If you're not sure how people will react, get them talking about homosexuality in general and see what they say and how they behave. Mention a famous gay person in the news, a gay singer, or the new gay bar that's just opened nearby. If people respond in a neutral or positive and balanced way, then you can feel more confident in coming out to them. On the other hand, if people are negative or even hostile around the subject of homosexuality, then it's wise to be more cautious. Keep in mind though that some people behave differently when around their friends, so don't be too quick to write someone off as homophobic. Also, someone who teases when a gay person comes on TV might react very differently to a gay friend or family member coming out.
• Remember, a lot of straight people don't knowingly know any gay people, so your coming out may well be a new experience for them as well as you.
• Think about who you want to come out to. Do you mind if everyone knows, or do you want more control over your news? It’s no good coming out to the school gossip if you aren’t ready for everyone to know. Telling a close and trusted friend may be the best place to start. You may welcome their support later when moving on to telling other friends and family members.
• Some people say coming out to girls is easier than to boys as they are often more open-minded and sensitive, and not governed by macho image and how they feel homosexuality compromises it. Start with a female friend if you think this might be easier.
• Anticipate questions you might be asked. You might be asked things that seem really daft to you. You may even encounter some of the things in the gay myths and stereotypes section. Be ready to give calm and considered replies. Try not to be too touchy, even if some of the things said seem offensive. It’s often the result of a lack of knowledge rather than a deliberate attempt to hurt your feelings. Be patient, especially with parents. They may have all sorts of weird ideas about what being gay means and entails. Point them in the direction of the advice for parents and friends section.
• Choose a time to tell people when they are relaxed and not in the middle of an upheaval or upset of any kind. This is especially important when coming out to parents. Choose a time, if at all possible, when the home is tranquil!
• Consider telling one parent first, perhaps one you feel will handle your coming out better than the other. This way you may have some support from one parent when you tell the other.
• When coming out to anyone, it’s best to be as sure as you can that you won’t be disturbed. Meet at a favourite café or go for a walk together – and turn your mobile phone off! Allow plenty of time.
• Don’t be disappointed if you don’t get cheers and congratulations. Often people just don’t know how to react to the news, but it doesn’t mean they have a problem with your sexuality. Again, be patient with people. It may be your first time coming out, but it may also be the first time they've been come out to.
• If you come out when very young (under 16) you may find that you are told that you are going through a same-sex attraction phase and will grow out of it. This was a very popular idea when I was at school (17 years ago!) and still seems to be thrown around more than it should. It is true that sexuality can take time to fully settle for some, and that a lot of young people have same-sex experiences but go on to be heterosexual adults. But it's also true that a lot of gay and bisexual people know full well what they are from a surprisingly young age. Be patient with people, but be firm too - you know how you feel and how real it is.