Coming out (page 2 of 2)

Things to consider when coming out to parents

Although it sounds cold, you have to consider the fact that your parents provide you with a home and financial support. If they are openly and strongly homophobic, coming out may not be wise while you are still living at home.

Think firstly about how they have reacted to gay people on television or perhaps when they’ve seen gay people in town etc. Did they react in a negative or hostile way? Think also about how they have handled any problems you've had in the past. Are they usually supportive and understanding? Do they encourage and support you? Do they overreact and become emotional and unpredictable when faced with problems, or do they behave rationally and fairly? The answers to these questions will guide you in your decision to come out to your parents.

If you are particularly worried that your parents will react badly then consider coming out to them once you have left home and are financially independent. This way, not only will they have time away from you to get used to your news, but they can’t create difficulties for you by removing financial support or asking you to leave the home suddenly. If you think your parents will react badly to your coming out but you are still determined to do it before leaving home, consider these points first: Do you have a place to go if you are forced to leave home? Do you have your own money if your parents cut you off?

These points aren’t designed to alarm you. Many parents turn out to be supportive of their gay child, even if it takes them a while to adjust. But it is important to understand that some young gay people have found themselves in tough situations after coming out to their parents. It’s better to be prepared for various outcomes, especially if you suspect your parents won’t be supportive.

To better understand how your homosexuality affects your parents, read the advice for parents and friends section, especially, 'Adjusting your expectations of your son or daughter after you find out that they are gay'.

If people react badly to your news:

• If after you come out to someone they refuse to talk or seem hostile, consider sending them an email or letter. This will enable you to say everything you want to in a well thought out way, without getting nervous or reacting emotionally, as you might face-to-face. It gives the recipient time to think about things without feeling confronted.
• Just as it took you a while to get used to being different, it can take the people you come out to time to adjust. People had a idea in their heads of who you were, and now they have to revise it slightly. Sometimes people can feel deceived or just plain baffled. Giving people time to digest the information can make a big difference to their attitude toward you.
• It's a sad fact that some people view homosexuality in a negative way and may have all sorts of strange ideas about what it means to be gay. Have a look at the Gay myths and stereotypes section to see the kinds of things some people genuinely believe about gay people, and check out the religion section where I discuss what conservative Christian groups think about homosexuality. Against these kind of bigoted views it can be hard to get through to someone and reeducate them, but it's worth trying. Sometimes you can show someone with homophobic views that they are wrong. Seeing a real gay person (i.e. you!) can challenge stereotypes and beliefs that people hold.
• Sometimes you have to accept that someone is homophobic and won't change, and therefore the friendship has come to an end. This can be painful when it's someone you care about. Is it better to hide your sexuality in order to keep a homophobic friend, or to be true to yourself and allow people to value you for who you really are? Real friends are the ones who care about you just as much after you come out.