Being gay: frequently asked questions (page 1 of 2)
Being gay (or being homosexual) means a person is sexually and romantically attracted to their own sex. 'Gay' is a popular term for homosexual, usually used to describe male homosexuals. A woman who is attracted to other women is known as a lesbian, though some people use the word 'gay' to describe homosexual men and women. If a person is attracted to both sexes they are known as bisexual. People who are attracted to their opposite sex are known as heterosexual or straight.
You might hear people talk about the sexuality or the sexual orientation of a person. They are talking about what gender that person is attracted to. Your sexual orientation might be gay, bisexual or straight. Sexuality is a broad term that can encapsulate someone’s sexual behaviour beyond simply stating their preference for male or female partners.
However, labels such as gay and straight don’t always fit a person comfortably, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to label your sexual orientation. Imagine a scale: at one end is gay and at the other is straight:
There are many shades of grey in-between, like people who aren’t sure, or people who had same-sex relationships in the past but feel they are straight now, or people who are bisexual but prefer one sex to the other. There are no handy labels for all the many shades of grey in sexuality. There are no rights and wrongs either, so just relax and let time and nature help you figure out what you like and want.
Sexuality can’t be forced, changed or hurried.
Nobody fully understands yet what determines sexuality. I believe – as do many others - that homosexuality is genetic; we’re born gay, bi or straight. Some people believe that sexuality is influenced by childhood events and environmental conditions around a child as he/she grows up, while some believe it’s a mixture of biology and environment. You might hear the term, 'nature or nurture' being mentioned around this topic. This simply means 'born gay, or made gay by external environmental conditions'.
There are all sorts of theories with negative overtones about absent or distant fathers, overbearing mothers, the sort of people a child is exposed to at certain stages of development, being raised in a single parent family, what toys a child plays with and whether certain behaviour is encourages or discouraged by the parents. I don’t believe that a straight child can be turned gay by playing with Barbie instead of Action Man, or by how much Dad is around or not, and all such suggestions are merely theories and are not based on proven science. If children are allowed to explore their creativity and express themselves, they’ll do what makes them happy and feels right, without concepts of gender appropriateness. This strikes me as a healthy, guiltless approach.
Sexuality is a fundamental part of your 'being', of who you are, but it doesn't define you as a person. You are much more than your sexuality. It should be given the relevance it deserves.
Some people believe that homosexuality is an unnatural deviation from what’s considered 'normal' and therefore attribute it to an odd choice made by the individual. I have yet to meet anyone who decided to be gay, or decided to be straight for that matter. It’s possible that a bisexual person might choose one sex over the other at any stage in their lives. It’s often the case though that a bisexual is more attracted to one gender than another, though this might not be fixed throughout life. A person can’t opt out of their sexuality, or opt into another.
No, no and no. But some people disagree. Some people see homosexuality as an unnatural deviation from heterosexuality, a deliberate choice, something weird or bad.
You’ll find different attitudes about homosexuality in different parts of the world, from general acceptance to condemnation. Societies attitude toward gay people is often linked to religious teachings. These may have conservative and negative views on homosexuality, though this certainly isn’t always the case (see Religion and being gay for more on this topic). Beside this, some people are simply small minded and prejudice. Homophobia is the fear or dislike of homosexual people, and it can be encountered anywhere, much like any other prejudice against a minority group (a small group of people with different values to the larger group they live within). Depending on the part of the world you live in, gay people have more or less rights than straight, and this dictates the likelihood that someone is protected from homophobic behaviour. As in any area of life some people have more developed, mature and considered attitudes than others. You’ll meet lots of people who are fine with homosexuality and believe gay people deserve equal rights to straight. Things are improving all the time for gay people. Gay marriage is now recognised in various parts of the world, and seen as a basic human right that should be shared.
Homosexuality isn’t inherently evil, bad or wrong any more than heterosexuality is. People aren’t born bad. It’s the decisions we make, it’s how we treat each other. Sexuality is no measure of a person's value or moral standing. Sex and love are a natural and wonderful part of life to be enjoyed, whether by opposite-sex or same-sex couples. Gay relationships can be loving, nurturing and lasting. Beside the lack of biological children, same-sex couples can enjoy the same sort of lives as heterosexual couples - if that's what they want - or they can forge their own path.