Being gay: frequently asked questions (page 2 of 2)
Being gay isn’t a problem, and shouldn’t be seen as such. It’s not an illness or a obstacle to be worked around. It simply describes whether you are attracted to men or woman. It's the people around us who can make life tough as a gay person, but you can be happy and successful. Life can be tough sometimes no matter what your sexual orientation, especially while growing up.
The hardest thing in life is to be yourself. The closer you come to accepting your sexuality and accepting yourself, the happier you’ll be. Some gay people try desperately to hide their sexuality from others, thinking that pretending to be heterosexual is the route to happiness and the acceptance of their peers. Some gay people go as far as getting married and having children in an attempt to conform. Putting all your energy into playing a part and living up to other people’s expectations is draining and makes for a very hard life, leaving you unfulfilled and unhappy. Denial can lead to low self-esteem and a feeling of being trapped. Imagine a straight person having to pretend to be gay, to have a same-sex partner and behave in a way that doesn't feel right for them. It’s unthinkable, but it’s equivalent to the way a lot of gay people live their lives. The path of least resistance is not to pretend you are straight.
Try not to isolate yourself and see obstacles that don't exist. I’ve met many gay people who are very angry and permanently ready for an equal-rights fight - but they often find there’s nothing to fight about. Give people a chance to be okay about your sexuality and don't imagine problems before they exist.
Coming out is when a gay person tells people that they are gay. It might be one close friend, a trusted relative or simply everyone. It’s a personal step that you may choose to take when you feel ready. See the Coming out section here for more information on the pros and cons of coming out and how to go about it.
Sometimes the person with the biggest issue with you being gay, is you! There are some things in life that we don't have any control over. Your sexuality is one of them. You need to work at feeling better about who you are and making the best of what life has given you.
Why do you feel so bad about being gay? What is it about the idea of life as a gay person that's upsetting you? How is being gay worse than being straight? What can't you do as a gay person that you think you can do as straight? Sure, you can't have children biologically with a same-sex partner, but that doesn't mean you can't be a parent. Even same-sex marriage, or civil partnerships, are becoming more common, as gay rights fall in line with straight.
Think about what you can do as a gay person:
- You can find love, have sex and be happy within a healthy relationship if you want one
- You can be successful in your educational and working lives
- You can pursue personal interests, activities and hobbies
- You can have good, close friendships with people who are open minded and accept you for who you are
- You get the idea - you can do anything you want to do!
Try to stop seeing homosexuality as a curse and look at it rationally: it's just a part of your life and doesn't need to hover over your head like a dark cloud, affecting everything. In many areas of life sexuality simply isn't relevent.
If you woke up straight tomorrow, you'd still have a challenging life with the same ups and downs that everyone else faces. You'd be no more or less likely to find somebody decent to have a relationship with. Heterosexuality does not automatically mean happiness, so stop using homosexuality as a reason for your unhappiness.
Read the material on this website. It'll answer some of the questions you have and dispell some of the negativity you're harbouring around homosexuality. Talk to a friend or get involved in the discussions on the bgiok forum. You'll get to chat to other gay people there who can relate to how you feel.
There's no deadline for feeling better about things, so be kind to yourself and take it a step at a time. Start by working toward being able to admit that you are gay - even typing it on the forum or in an email is a powerful moment of acceptance; embracing who you are and moving forward.
You can be happy as a gay person but you have to alter your outlook on life and negative beliefs about what it means to be gay.
Being gay can make you feel isolated, especially when in your teens, because in school few people are open about their homosexuality for fear of rejection and bullying. But there are many gay and bisexual people in your school, in your town – everywhere. Some are open about it, while some are hidden. Everyone has their circumstances and stories. You may find that once you become a little more open about your own sexuality that other gay people become more visible too. Perhaps someone who was afraid to come out will be encouraged to do so by your coming out. Taking that first step can often be a catalyst for change, even though it may be scary to start with. If you don’t want to tell anyone yet or feel that you can’t, you can use the internet to meet other gay people.
Join the bgiok forum and chat to other visitors. It’s a friendly place, whether you want solid opinions and advice about sexuality matters or just to chat about absolutely anything. It can be as anonymous as you want it to be, and it’s up to you whether you use your real name or give out your email address. Making friends online allows you to talk to like-minded people who know what you are going through, in a safe and neutral environment. Read Internet safety tips and making friends online to get you started.
There might be gay youth group in your local area. Have a look at the ones listed on my links page, or give a switchboard a call. LBGT (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender) switchboards aren’t just there for emotional support or crisis, they have a wealth of general information from gay-friendly hotels to gay plumbers. Ask them what social groups and events are available in your home town or nearby.
If you are 18 or over, there are many dating websites where you can make friends or possibly meet a partner. I met my partner through OutEverywhere, but there are many more gay and gay-inclusive dating websites, like GayParship. Most charge for membership, though this varies from a few pounds a month to more expensive. Be aware that some of these sites contain strong sexual content and may have a sexual focus (i.e. they’re aimed at people who want to meet up for casual sex). OutEverywhere is an exception, with it’s focus on getting to know people for friendship, but like in any area of life you have to use your common sense and best judgement to decide if someone is genuine and the sort of person you’d like to get to know.
Colleges and Universities often have LGBT groups that meet regularly for discussion or social events. Have a look at your students’ union to see what’s available. If they don’t have a LGBT group, why not start your own? Talk to your union.
Don’t forget that you’ll meet lots of people as you move through life, so embrace new friendships and see what opportunities come your way. It’s good to be proactive, but don’t get hung up and desperate about meeting people. Friendships and relationships flourish best when they have space to develop naturally.