Looking after your mental health (page 1 of 2)
Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and negative thinking
Low self esteem (not liking yourself very much), depression (feeling unhappy most or all of the time) and hard to manage anxiety (a frequent nervous feeling) are mental health problems that a lot of gay people face. Being different from the majority, worrying about telling people about your sexuality, encountering homophobic attitudes and struggling with your feelings is draining and can effect your mental health over time. It's hard to stay positive about the future when you are faced with big obstacles like parental pressures, homophobic people in school and a general lack of support, that seem impossible to conquer. It's especially tough for younger people living at home, where the expectations of your family can weigh heavily, make you feel trapped and unable to express yourself. Being gay in a 'straight world' can be tough. Gay people often report feeling that they've had to grow up faster than they'd have liked to because they have dealt with very adult problems at a young age, often without support or guidance.
Mental health problems can make you feel detached, but you are not alone.
If you're finding life hard to cope with, here are some ideas and techniques for moving forward more positively:
Talk to someone
Keeping all your worries to yourself is bad for your mental health. Hiding your feelings and not expressing yourself creates stress, anxiety and anger. You'll find that your frustrations reveal themselves in other ways, like losing your temper over small things or getting angry with yourself or people who've done nothing wrong. Talking can be a massive release of emotional pressure. Admitting your problems to yourself fully and sharing them with others enables you to face them and start to move forward.
If you would prefer to speak to someone who doesn’t know you, or if you want more impartial and professional guidance, counselling might be for you. Your doctor can refer you. Anything you discuss with a counsellor is confidential, so you can open up about your sexuality and other worries without the people in your life finding out. A counsellor can guide you in moving forward with your life if you’re feeling trapped by your problems.
Do something
When you feel depressed the desire to do the things you usually enjoy is diminished, along with your energy levels, motivation and enthusiasm. In conquering depression it's important to avoid sitting around indoors or staying in bed all day. If you do, your mind goes around in circles with negative thinking, and your body stays sluggish. You also neglect your friends, schoolwork and other responsibilities. Get some exercise (known to help with depression), visit a friend, go to the library - anything. Even just going for a walk on your own will lift your spirits and clear your head. By getting off the sofa and doing something you are refusing to be crippled by your problems. The first step to getting over them and realising plans you might have is to take a trip out of the house and start living.
Be creative
Many people find creative pursuits, such as painting, writing, making music, graphic design, model building etc very therapeutic. Being creative stimulates the mind and inspires you to explore other interests. It also takes your mind off your worries so that you can have a little peace from negative thoughts and anxiety.
Think positively
It's easier said than done, but it's very important not to indulge negative thinking. If you keep thinking everything is hopeless and that there's no point, then it will keep feeling that way. It's much better to think about what you can do to make things better. Thinking positively will make you feel empowered and not powerless. So choose, 'This might be fun and I’m good at it.' Not, 'It probably won’t be fun, and I’m not good at things like that'. Choose, 'We might get on well.' Not, 'She’ll probably hate me.' Etc.
Focus on the facts
We can fall into negative thinking patterns and assume much about situations and people. Do you answer 'yes' to any of the below questions?
- Do you assume the worst?
- Do you think in 'all or nothing' terms? i.e. he hates me, I always fail, nothing ever works out etc.
- Do you give new people a real chance before you write them off as not liking you or not being good people?
- When things are going well do you make yourself feel bad again by telling yourself it won't last or that it's not as good as you thought, or perhaps even that you don’t deserve good things to happen to you at all?
- Do you overhear half a conversation and fill in the gaps, assuming negative things are being said about you?
- Do you jump to conclusions and get upset before you know the facts of a situation?
- Do you often think people lie to you, or that friends tell you what you want to hear?
If you answered 'yes' to some of these questions then you are caught up in negative thinking patterns. It’s hard to feel happy and enjoy life if you automatically put a negative spin on things. The way to overcome this behaviours is to always focus on the facts of any given situation and try to separate your emotional reaction from the reality. Keep the following in mind:
- You can’t read people’s minds, so don’t assume someone is thinking something bad about you. A reliable way of judging how someone feels about you is by listening to what they actually say and looking at their behaviour. If you don’t know the person, then why worry about what they’re thinking? He or she isn’t part of your life so don’t waste time thinking about what they think.
- Most people are too wrapped up in their own thoughts and lives to be worrying about what you are up to. The world isn’t out to get you – the world is busy worrying about its own crap!
- Focus on the facts of a situation. If you look at the reality of something, you’ll feel grounded and more in control. Getting caught up in wild interpretations and imagining what might happen is a distressing waste of time.
- Challenge your thinking: Is what you are thinking helpful or useful? What effect is your thinking having on you? How would someone else view the situation? What other, better ways are there of looking at this situation?
Live in the present
Bad things might have happened to you in the past but don’t let them make you unhappy in the present. If you find yourself often thinking about the past, make a conscious effort to stop. You can’t change what’s already happened. Bringing those feelings into the present is upsetting and frustrating. Accept that things happened the way they did and think about how you can make life better now.
If you think you have unresolved issues to deal with from your past, such as bullying or bereavement, consider speaking to a counsellor (ask your doctor about it). Talking about things - sometimes for the first time - can help you lay them to rest and move forward.
Make a plan
Think about the things you’d like to do and places you’d like to visit. Start to make a plan of action to realise these ideas. By giving yourself things to look forward to and work toward you give yourself solid reasons to feel better, improve your situation and move forward. Perhaps you want to go to university but have been too afraid to, maybe you want to go on a holiday or even something smaller like being brave enough to go on a date or into a restaurant you’ve always wanted to try. Set yourself goals – big or small - and think about how you can work toward them.
Read
There are lots of good self-help books out there that can help you build confidence, deal with depression, become more assertive etc. It's well worth having a look around and finding a book that inspires you.
Professional help
If you are struggling with your mental health then you should talk to your doctor. Your doctor may refer you to a counsellor, for group therapy or some other form of therapy, but do ask what’s available if nothing is offered. If nothing much is available, do a search online and ask around for local counsellors or therapists (though these aren't free). Private counsellors and therapists often offer a free initial consultation so you can see if you like the person and find out more about what they offer. Depending on what type of counsellor or therapist you see, they may teach you techniques for changing negative thinking patterns and challenging old habits that are holding you back.
The doctor may decide to prescribe you medication to help relieve the symptoms of depression and/or anxiety. Medication won’t solve the underlying problems or fix what’s bothering you, but they will balance your moods and take the acuteness out of the anxiety so that you can get on with your life and work on more long term ways of feeling better, such as counselling and practicing the things I’ve talked about above. Don’t be scared of a little help from medication to set you on the right path. They are not forever. A lot of people – myself included – have benefitted from them.