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Being gay is okay: Information and advice for gay, lesbian, bisexual and unsure under twenty-fives.

Looking after your mental health, and self-harm (page 1 of 2)

Depression and anxiety

Depression (feeling unhappy most or all of the time) and anxiety (a frequent nervous feeling) are mental health problems that a lot of gay people face.

Gay people are not born more prone to mental illness. However, the instance of mental health problems in homosexual people is relatively high because of the difficulties they face as they grow up. Rejection, homophobia, low self-esteem, loneliness, parental and religious pressure etc. can be very draining and affect mental health over time. Being gay in a 'straight world' can be tough. Gay people often report that they've had to grow up faster than their friends because they've had to deal with very adult problems at a young age, often without support or guidance.

If you're struggling with feeling low and/or anxious, below are some ideas to help you feel better.

Talk to someone

Keeping all your worries to yourself is bad for your mental health. Hiding your feelings and not expressing yourself creates stress, anxiety and anger. You're just one big pressure cooker and you need to release! Talking can be help you do that. Talking about your problems means that you're admitting them to yourself, which is just as important as sharing them with someone else.

If you would prefer to speak to someone who doesn’t know you, or if you want more impartial and professional guidance, counselling might be for you. Your doctor can refer you for free NHS counselling (they may be a waiting list), or find one yourself with the Youth Access website, or try the Counselling Directory for private (paid for) counselling. See the NHS page here for more Information about counselling, the different types and how to access them. Anything you discuss with a counsellor is confidential, so you can open up about your sexuality and other worries without the people in your life finding out. Counsellors and therapists may also use special techniques, such as hypnotherapy and cognitive behavioural therapy, to help you adopt positive thinking habits and teach you techniques for coping when you're having a hard time.

Do something. Do anything.

When you feel depressed, the desire to do the things you usually enjoy is diminished, along with your energy levels, motivation and enthusiasm. In conquering depression it's important to avoid sitting around indoors or staying in bed all day. You may end up neglecting your friends, schoolwork and other responsibilities. Avoiding daily life leaves you trapped in your negative thinking and low mood. It's not good for your body either, leaving you unfit and sluggish.

Get some exercise. It's great for improving your mood and relieving anxiety, and it's good for your physical health too. Even just going for a walk on your own will lift your spirits and clear your head. By getting off the sofa and doing something you are refusing to be a victim of your problems. The first step to making your life better may be as simply as taking a short trip round the block.

Be creative

Many people find creative pursuits, such as painting, writing, music making, graphic design, model building etc. very therapeutic. Being creative distracts you from your worries, stimulates the mind and inspires you to explore other interests. You may be surprised afterwards at how little you thought about your problems while you were busy.

Think positively

It's easier said than done, but it's very important not to indulge negative thinking. If you keep thinking everything is hopeless and that there's no point, then life will keep on feeling that way. It's much better to think about what you can do to make things better. Thinking positively will stop you feeling powerless.

Focus on the facts

When unhappy, we can fall into negative thinking patterns and assume a lot about situations and people. Do you answer 'yes' to any of these questions:

  • Do you usually assume the worst?
  • Do you think in all-or-nothing terms i.e. he hates me, I always fail, nothing ever works out etc.?
  • Do you give new people a real chance before you write them off as not liking you or not being good people?
  • When things are going well, or good things are happening, do you make yourself feel bad again by telling yourself it won't last or that it's not really as good as you thought? Do you tell yourself that you don’t deserve good things to happen to you at all?
  • Do you overhear half a conversation and fill in the gaps, assuming negative things are being said about you?
  • Do you jump to conclusions and get upset before you know the facts of a situation?
  • Do you often think people lie to you, or that friends tell you what you want to hear?
  • When people spend time with you do you take their friendship at face value, or assume they just feel sorry for you?

If you answered found yourself nodding as you read the above questions, then you are caught up in negative thinking patterns. It’s hard to feel happy and enjoy life if you automatically put a negative spin on things - it's crippling. The way to overcome this behaviours is to always focus on the facts of any given situation and try to separate your emotional reactions from the reality. Getting caught up in wild interpretations and imagining what might happen is a distressing waste of time.

Keep the following in mind:

  • You can’t read people’s minds, so don’t assume someone is thinking something bad about you. The only reliable way of judging how someone feels about you is by simply listening to what they actually say, and observing their actions. If you don’t even know the person you're worrying about, ask yourself why you think it matters what a stranger thinks of you. Don't waste time thinking about it.
  • Most people are too wrapped up in their own thoughts and lives to be worrying about what you are up to. The world isn’t out to get you because it's too busy worrying about its own crap!
  • Challenge your thinking: Is what you are thinking helpful or useful? What effect is your thinking having on you? How would someone else view the situation? What other, better ways are there of looking at this situation?

Live in the present

Bad things might have happened to you in the past but don’t let them rule you in the present. If you find yourself often thinking about the past, make a conscious effort to stop. You can’t change what’s already happened. That means letting go of mistakes you've made. You can be sure the other people around at the time aren't still thinking about it. Focus on how you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Accept that things happened a certain way and think about how you can make life better now.

If you think you have deeper unresolved issues to deal with from your past, such as bullying or bereavement, consider counselling. Talking about your past, perhaps for the first time, can get you out of the rut.

Make a plan

Think about the things you’d like to do and places you’d like to visit. Start to make a plan of action to realise these ideas. You'll feel motivated if you things to look forward to and work towards. Perhaps you want to go to university but have been too afraid to apply. Maybe you want to go on a holiday. What about something smaller like feeling confident enough to go on a date, or even just go to a restaurant you’ve always wanted to try? Set yourself goals, big or small, and think about how you can work toward them.

Read

There are lots of good self-help books out there that can help you build confidence, deal with depression, become more assertive etc. It's well worth having a look around and finding a book that inspires you.

Medication

Your doctor may decide to prescribe you medication to help relieve the symptoms of depression and/or anxiety. Medication won’t solve the underlying problems or fix what’s bothering you, but it can help to balance your moods and relieve anxiety so that you can work on more long-term treatments, such as counselling. Don’t be scared of a little help from medication to set you on the right path. They are not forever.

Glossary

  • Anxiety, and panic disorder: Experiencing worry, stress or distress regularly and at any time, and not always about something that's actually happening.
  • Counselling: A type of talking therapy. A patient talks to a trained counsellor about their problems so that they can help them deal with negative thoughts and feelings.
  • Depression (depressive illness): Long-term (more than a few weeks) extreme sadness. Other symptoms include a lack of motivation and interest in things, tearfulness, changess in appetite, and lethargy.
  • Self-harm: Harming yourself deliberately, often as a way of coping with emotional pain and distress.

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