Gay myths and stereotypes
The myth:
'How do you know you are gay if you haven’t tried sex with a man/woman?'
Myth buster:
A lot of people who write into the problem page have had this question presented to them once they come out to friends and family. Just as daft a question would be to ask the enquirer how they can be so certain of their heterosexuality if they’ve never had a same-sex experience. The simple answer is that you don’t have to try sex with anyone to know that you want sex with some people and not others. If I was never close to a man again, if all men except myself were teleported to another planet, I’d still be lusting after them for the rest of my life. Because I’m gay – simple.
Sexuality isn’t a choice. We don’t line men and woman up like flavours of ice cream to try. Sexuality is a deep-rooted part of who you are and it dictates who you are attracted to, before you so much as share a first kiss. I knew I was gay when I was fourteen, but I didn’t have a physical relationship until I was nineteen. During those intervening five years I was still as gay as I am now at thirty-four years old.
So I know that I am gay even though I have never had sex with a woman because I have no desire to do it – the feelings aren’t there. Woman are wonderful, but sleeping with them isn’t a part of me. I'm not programmed to respond to their bodies in the way a straight man is, just as it's not a part of a straight man's nature to respond sexually to the bodies of other men.
Don’t put yourself into sexual situations that don’t feel right for you, even if those around you think it’s a good idea that you 'give it a try'. It’s not fair on you or the subject of the experiment. The only reason you should ever have sex with anyone is because you really, truly want to.
The myth:
'Gay men are all effeminate, promiscuous and bitchy. Lesbian women are all butch, dress-dodging man-haters.'
Myth buster:
Gay people are as varied in appearance and behaviour as heterosexual people. Their beliefs and values have as broad a range as you can imagine. Stereotypes do originally lead back to fact, but they tends to be based around the most visible and loudest element of a minority group, or the ones that grab media attention. There are people like those described in the original myth statement above, but they don’t form the majority – they’re simply the loudest. It’s human nature to want to label things so that we can make sense of the outside world. Putting all gay people in a box and thinking of them in a blanket way makes it easier to deal with the unknown.
Stereotyping is categorising someone based on a mental image.
I’ve worked with straight men who were very surprised that I seemed so ‘normal’ and not like what they would have expected of a gay man. You might hold stereotypes in your mind of other minority groups, but try to be open minded and see the broader picture. Human beings are a diverse bunch and it’s impossible to apply labels to a single segment based on their sexuality. Also remember that if a person exhibits some stereotypical traits, it's not automatically a negative thing. Look beyond stereotypes when you're thinking about what makes a person's behaviour good or bad.
The myth:
'Gay people only go to gay bars. They like clubbing, dance music and taking drugs.'
Myth buster:
Many gay people enjoy gay venues for a number of reasons. See The gay scene and you section to find out more. As mentioned in The first myth buster, gay people are a diverse bunch just like straight people, and as likely to be into rock music and stamp collecting as they are clubbing and drinking games. Being gay doesn't mean you have to join a special club with behaviour guidelines. If you prefer a quiet chat and a coffee to a noisy night of clubbing, then go for it. Don't be defined by your sexuality and what some people think it encompasses - just be yourself!
The myth:
'All gay men have anal sex.'
Myth buster:
Anal (or penetrative) sex is just one sexual activity that a male same-sex couple may engage in. There is no 'compulsory' when it comes to sex, whether it be gay or straight, male or female. It’s up to the individuals involved to decide what they enjoy, feel comfortable with and want to participate in. Many gay men don’t enjoy anal sex or choose not to do it for personal reasons, while some thoroughly enjoy it. It’s the same for any sexual act and boils down to person taste.
Visit the Sex page (part of the Relationships and sex section) to find out more.
The myth:
'If you are gay you will go to hell when you die!'
Myth buster:
This myth, along with a wider look into the relationship religion has with homosexuality, is covered in the Religion and being gay section.
The myth:
'In a gay relationship, who plays the man and who plays the woman?'
Myth buster:
Because we're raised to think of a relationship in male-female role terms, people assume these roles are copied in a same-sex relationship. People might assume there is a female (passive, penetrated) and male (dominant, penetrator) role in the bedroom of a same-sex male relationship, or that one woman in a lesbian relationship is butch and manly while the other is feminine.
These sort of ideas about relationship roles are very old fashioned, whether looking at a homosexual or heterosexual relationship. Again, people are very diverse and they create diverse relationships with unique qualities.
See the Relationships and sex section.
The myth:
'Gay people can't have "real" relationships like straight people can.'
Myth buster:
Some people view same-sex relationships are inferior or 'not the real thing'. Some view being gay as a weird sexual fetish rather than someone's sexuality, and think that real romantic love can only be found with someone of the opposite sex.
Gay people can fall in love and have wonderful relationships just like heterosexual people can - the feelings are the same. Gay relationships are as likely to succeed or fail as straight relationships, and similarly, it's the people in the relationship who make or break it.
People are capable of real, lasting, romantic love. That means everyone.
The myth:
'Gay people are more prone to mental illness.'
Myth buster:
Being gay is not a mental health problem itself, but mental health problems among gay people are relatively high.
Gay people face obstacles and challenges that straight people don't. It's tough growing up gay when the world around you may be telling you that it's wrong. Homophobia and bullying, feelings of isolation and lonliness contribute to poor mental health. It's no wonder that some gay people feel unable to cope and develop mental health problems such as depression and anxiety, and even self harm or have suicidal thoughts.
But nobody is born depressed or anxious. It's our environment and negative life experiences that can result in these problems, regardless of whether you are gay or straight.
See the Looking after your mental health section for advice on dealing with depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.
The myth:
'Gay men are more likely to be child abusers.'
Myth buster:
For people who think that homosexuality is a perversion or psychological disorder, it may seem logical for them to label gay men as child sex abusers or paedophiles too. Homosexuality has nothing to do with paedophilia i.e. a person being attracted to members of their own sex is completely different from a person being sexually interested in children.
Child abuse is a big topic that’s beyond the scope of this website. If you want to find out more or if you need help, visit the Childline and NSPCC websites.
The myth:
'AIDS is a gay man's disease.'Myth buster:
- HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) is the virus that leads to AIDS
- A person doesn't 'catch AIDS'. They become HIV postive (HIV+)
- HIV attacks the immune system, making it harder for the body to protect itself from viruses
- The HIV virus is found in the blood, sexual fluids and breast milk of an infected person
- HIV is passed from an infected person via unprotected sex (anal or vaginal), sharing needles (drug use), contaminated blood (i.e. from a blood transfusion), from mother to child via breast milk or directly from the blood of an infected person if enough enters someone else's body
- In unprotected sex, HIV can be passed between the person who is penetrated and the person who penetrates, and vice-versa, in both anal and vaginal sex (i.e. you are not safe if you are the 'top')
- HIV is a virus that anyone can get, gay or straight. However, risk of infection is higher with unprotected anal sex because of the delicate lining of the anus which can lead to bleeding, thus HIV finding its way into the bloodstream
- HIV progresses to AIDS when the infected person becomes seriously ill because of their damaged immune system
- You can protect yourself from HIV and other STI (sexually transmitted infections) by using condoms
For more information on HIV and AIDS, see Avert's website. 'AVERT is an international HIV and AIDS charity based in the UK, working to AVERT HIV and AIDS worldwide.'
Visit the Sex page (part of the Relationships and sex section) to find out more.