Relationships and sex > Looking for a partner or new friends
Below you’ll find some ideas to help you find a partner and/or make me gay and bisexual friends. You'll also find advice and tips on getting to know someone you like and figuring out if they like you too.
The internet
There are many dating websites out there that also serve as good places to make friends. I have met friends and a partner in the past on websites like www.outeverywhere.com, where the emphasis is on cultivating friendship and meaningful connections. You need to be 16 years or older to use most dating websites. Also keep in mind that certain website have an emphasis, unspoken or stated, on meeting people for casual sex. So be use your common sense and find out about a website before joining.
Chatting on forums, such as the one on this very site, can be a great way of making new friends. It’s especially useful for those who feel isolated, perhaps because they live in a small town or somewhere where homophobia is the norm rather than the exception. Forums are also useful for people who aren’t yet ready to admit to people in the non-internet world that they are gay. It’s a great way of talking, perhaps for the first time, about being gay with other people who know exactly where you’re coming from. It’s really satisfying to see real friendships growing on the forum, and even the odd romance. But friends who you make on the internet don’t have to stay virtual: you can meet in person too. A group of users from the bgiok forum met up in London last year and are planning further get-togethers. This happens on other websites too.
Be sure to read my Internet safety tips and making friends online page.
College and university
Many colleges, and especially universities, have their own LGB or LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) student-run groups. I attended one when I was at university, and typically LGBT uni groups or societies offer a range of activities in their regular meetings. A group may go for nights out to local gay venues, visit other LGBT groups at other universities, organise fund raising events, have discussions and debates about important issues or even just watch LGBT relevant films together and go for a drink afterwards in the student bar. A good group will be open to suggestions from its members about activities and events, so get involved and bring your own ideas.
Most importantly, these groups offer an ideal way of meeting other gay people of your own age, perhaps for the first time in your life. Being away from your home village or town means you can safely enjoy time with an LGBT group without worrying about bumping into your Dad at the cashpoint. It's as much an opportunity to get to know yourself as well as other people, without the judgements and criticisms you may have experienced back home.
Local groups
Some towns have gay youth groups which function in a similar way to LGBT societies at college or university. Rather than being student-run they have a set of adult youth workers who organise and manage events and take care of the regular meeting venue. You can find a selection on my youth groups links page as well as links to larger listings.
The Gay Scene
(Gay pubs, clubs and other venues; gay groups, activities and events) See the dedicated 'The Gay Scene and you' section.
Embrace opportunities
While it’s good to help things along and actively look for new friends or a partner, it’s also important not to get too obsessed with the search. It takes time and patience to meet people outside of your usual circle, and friendships and relationships can’t be forced. Friendships flourish naturally when you’re relaxed and simply being yourself.
Life tends to reward those who embrace it. So if you get out and about with existing friends, try new things and visit new places, be friendly and open to new friendships, then you’ll likely find that new people will naturally come into your life. You might feel isolated at the moment, but think about the future. You might choose to leave your home town to go to college or university, or perhaps to pursue a job or career. You’ll meet many new people in higher education, and in the working world afterwards. As you become older your freedom will increase and you’ll have more power to make decisions about what you do, and be able to embrace more ways of meeting new people.
How do I know if the guy/girl I like is gay too?
How do I get to know the guy/girl I like?
How do I know if someone likes me?
Do you have a crush on someone?
On bgiok I often get asked these questions. This section aims to help.
It's often hard to discover whether someone is gay or not, especially if they're not out (openly gay) or are trying to hide their sexuality because they're scared or have had some of the problems discussed on this website. This doesn't make the job of finding a boyfriend or girlfriend very easy, especially if you're keeping your sexuality a secret too. If you discover someone you like is gay then you inevitably start worrying about whether they like you or not. On top of all that, you may be admiring someone from afar and feel shy and unsure about approaching them.
Here are some tips to help:
- Firstly, have faith in yourself and don't put yourself down. Why shouldn't someone be interested in you? Having a positive attitude makes good things more likely to happen. You don't need ot be a super model celebrity to find love. Just be yourself and the right person is more likely to come spot you.
- It sounds obvious, but the best way to find something out about the person you like is to get to know them and spend time with them. If you like someone who you haven't been introduced to yet, think of ways you can get talking. Perhaps you have a friend in common who could introduce you, maybe you have some of the same classes, maybe you've heard that you share a hobby or interest, you like the same movies or music, or you both get invited to some of the same parties and events. Put a friendly smile on your face and find an excuse to get talking!
- Whether it's an existing friend or someone you've just met: if you want to know if they are gay or find out how they feel about you, look at the way they behave toward you. You might find they behave differently when you are alone together, especially if they are not openly gay to the majority of their friends. Are they more tactile when you're alone? Is the conversation more intimate, with topics coming up that don't usually get aired around other friends? Do they seem more relaxed? Is conversation flirty? These could all be signs of their romantic interest.
- If you are feeling brave you could ask the person you like if they are gay and/or if they like you. This can be a very scary thing to do, especially if you haven't told anyone before that you are gay. The person you like may tell other people about what happened, so think carefully before you take this step. Still, if it's a good friend you are interested in and you feel strongly that there's a chance he/she may like you too, it might be the only real way to make something happen.
- Don't get stuck in a rut, guessing about someone for years. You will be missing out on other people who might like you. If you never seem to get anywhere with the person you like, it might be time to move on.
- Try not to be disappointed if the person you like isn't interested or isn't gay. It's not because of you or anything you have done. You can't force someone to be interested, and sometimes the chemistry just doesn't happen. There's someone out there that it will happen with. When you meet that person you’ll be knocked off your feet!