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Being at school can be hard. Being gay at school is harder still. It's normal to want to be liked at school, you may even want to be popular. You want to fit in, to have lots of friends, to get invited to parties after school and not to be the last person picked for a sports team. It's the same for guys and girls; we all want and need people on our side. Bullies can stop us from fitting in, from making friends and having fun, and leave us feeling very much alone.

I was bullied in secondary school for three years because I wasn't like the other guys. I didn't like football, preferred the friendship of girls, and was softly spoken. I was gay, and although not open about it, the guys knew I was different and they gave me hell constantly.

Why do people bully each other?

Bullies are people who enjoy, for one reason or another, picking on and tormenting someone, often because they are different in some way. This might be because they are gay, from a different racial background to the bully, or even something as daft as the victim wearing glasses.

A bully is often an insecure person who has problems in his or her own life. They vent anger through hurting other people. Perhaps they don't think very much of themselves, and feel more powerful by beating on someone else. Perhaps the bully feels he has to act tough to impress his mates. Maybe the bully has problems at home or violent parents. Sometimes the bullies are victims of bullying themselves and have a lot of anger and hurt to deal with.

So bullies need help and support themselves. If you are a bully, try talking to someone about your feelings instead of showing them through attacking other people. Ask yourself why you want to hurt other people. Think about the person you are bullying. Did you know that experiences in school can linger with a person and cause them problems throughout later life? Have a think about that - would you want to be responsible for making someone less confident and unable to lead a normal, happy life? Find different ways of dealing with your feelings; take up a hobby or a sport. Simply talking to others about any problems you have can help a great deal.

Am I being bullied?

If you are being teased in any way which makes you feel uncomfortable or upset, then you are being bullied to an extent. If asking the person to stop doesn't do the trick, then you need to take the matter further. Bullying ranges from a bit of teasing to physical attacks. I was mostly called names, but occasionally hit and tripped over. Sometimes I had my possessions tampered with or damaged. Remember, if someone is giving you a hard time and making you unhappy, this is unacceptable. Nobody should have to live their lives under the shadow of bullying, and the threat of verbal and physical attack.

What can I do to stop the bullies?

It's not easy, and you have to find some bravery, but the only real way to deal with bullies is to speak to someone about them. I spoke to my dad, who in turn spoke to a teacher. The important thing is that you speak to someone and action is taken.

Tell a teacher you trust, a parent or relative, maybe an older brother or sister. You don't have to tell the teacher that you are gay, just what is happening to you. You might be asked to say what the bullies are doing, or what names they are calling you, but ask that the teacher doesn't tell your parent the nature of the name-calling. So if you are being called derogatory terms for a gay person, there's no reason why your parent have to know. If you go straight to a teacher your parent may not need to get involved at all, so don't worry that speaking up will mean everyone has to discover your sexuality. You being gay isn't the issue here - being bullied is.

What will happen after I speak up?

The bullies will be spoken to be a teacher and told that their behaviour is unacceptable. They will be asked to stop bullying you, and likely told that they are under a watchful eye from now on. They may be told that if there are any more reports of bullying they will be in a great deal of trouble. Threats of being suspended, or having their parents contacted will make them think twice about bullying anyone again, and in many cases the bullying stops at this point. Sometimes the bully hasn't realised how much he was hurting someone and may feel embarrassed and guilty. Either way, the shock of teacher intervention can often stop things from getting worse.

After my dad called the Head teacher, the three bullies were spoken to. I was so scared, I thought they would give me a harder time for telling on them. What actually happened though was that they left me alone after that. One of them even apologised to me.

It was hard speaking to someone and having the bullies called into the Heads office, but it had to be done. I could have stayed silent, and had a miserable time until I left school. As it turned out, my last year was a lot better because I spoke up about what was happening to me. I even started to enjoy school a bit more and feel a bit better about myself.

I was bullied at school. Now I'm an adult but I still suffer from low self-esteem and other problems because of what happened to me. What can I do?

Some people are bullied for so long and so badly that even when it stops, they find they are nervous, shy and lacking in self confidence.

Time heals to an extent, and just going to college and university, making friends and seeing that it's okay to be gay, can go a long way to helping people recover from the damage done by bullying.

You'll see that people in college and university are much more open-minded. You'll meet other gay people, and all kinds of other people from various backgrounds from around the world. Confidence can flourish in environments like these. If you are working, or getting a job after leaving school, think about joining a social group of some kind. Get involved with local voluntary work, or a charity. Take up a sport or hobby. You'll meet people who are interested in the same things as yourself and enjoy your company. This can help you to build confidence and be less shy and able to interact with people less nervously. Basically, don't let your nerves and the cruel words back in school stop you from living a fulfilling and happy life. Remind yourself each day that you are a great person with a lot to give, that your opinions matter and you have a right to be respected and valued. Most people want to see the good in others - the world isn't out to get you, though it may seem sometimes that it is. Try to trust people, let them into your life and leave the bullies and the rubbish they said in the past where it belongs.

The Pink Paper had a campaign a few years ago to raise awareness of homophobic bullying in schools. They urged ex-bullied readers to fill in a little form and post it to their old school, saying how they'd been a victim and urging the school to be aware of gay pupils being harassed.

I was surprised when the Head teacher got in touch by phone and was keen to hear any ideas I had on making things better for gay kids in school. I found the whole experience very therapeutic.

If you think it might help, write a letter to your old school, get it off your chest and lay some demons to rest. You might not get a reply, but you will have been heard and faced your painful memories head-on.

I don't have any confidence after being bullied, and I feel like a nervous wreck!

Panic attacks, depression, anxiety, and even self harm and suicidal thoughts can follow a time of extreme bullying.

If you find you just aren't coping, and perhaps feel depressed or so anxious that you are becoming ill, then it's important that you seek medical help. Talk to your doctor about how you feel, and ask to be referred to a counsellor (your GP should suggest this anyway). I thoroughly recommend counselling. It's helped me to deal with things which happened to me in school, and whilst it's upsetting to talk about it, it's the only way you can dig the pain out and start to clear the way for a better life.

When a bully tells you negative and wrong things about yourself for a long time, you start to believe them. Talking to a friend or a counsellor can help to change this negative view of yourself.

You can find a counsellor yourself by calling an LGB helpline and asking about services in your area. This is good if you'd rather see a gay counsellor. Often these services are free or ask for a small voluntary contribution.

Otherwise, try calling your local Citizens Advice Bureaux and ask for contact details of local free counselling organisations.

If you feel desperate and even have thoughts of harming yourself, please call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 (UK). They are trained to help people in a crisis. Don't hesitate to ask for help - things can get better, believe me.

Whether you're being bullied now, or it was a long ago - don't let the bullies win!

Homophobic Bullying by Peter Stein

What is homophobic bullying?

Homophobic bullying is any hostile or offensive action relating to homosexual orientation. These actions might be: verbal, physical, or emotional (social exclusion ie shunning) harassment, insulting or degrading comments, name calling, gestures, taunts, insults or 'jokes', offensive graffiti, humiliating, excluding, tormenting, ridiculing or threatening, refusing to work or co-operate with others because of their sexual orientation or identity. (list taken from Kidscape website)

Homophobic bullying is encountered by boys and girls in school who are, or are perceived to be gay or bisexual. Straight children sometimes suffer the same type of bullying. Adults are often wary of accepting the possibility that children might be gay. On the other hand parents are eager to encourage any signs of heterosexuality in children, no matter how young. Parents and teachers are frequently reluctant to address homophobic bullying because they are concerned that tackling it might be misunderstood as support for homosexuality.

Fortunately things are moving on. The Government's anti-bullying guidance for schools was revised in the autumn of 2002. It now requires schools' anti-bullying policies to include a definition of homophobic bullying and to challenge homophobic language. Unacceptable use of language would include using 'gay' to describe a person or anything else in a bad way. Actually 'gay' is quite an old word meaning lively, bright, colourful, playful or merry.

What should you do if you're bullied?

Bullying is never easy to deal with at school, but for lesbian, gay or bisexual children the problems can often seem much worse. Victims of racist bullying can usually get the support of their parents, but many victims of homophobic bullying don't feel able to rely on their families. If you're the victim of homophobic bullying you should be able to tell a school teacher. You can, if you wish, ask the teacher not to tell your parents and, because of regulations in the Children Act 1989, they should then keep it confidential. Give as much detail as possible about the bullying including what the bullies say or do. You shouldn't be asked if you are gay; you only need tell the teacher if you want to. If you are certain about your sexuality you may prefer to let other people know, bearing in mind it could cause trouble in some families. The school must still continue to ensure your safety and well-being.

Know your rights:-

UNITED NATIONS UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS

Article 1.
All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.

CHARTER OF FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS OF THE EUROPEAN UNION

Article 1 - Human dignity
Human dignity is inviolable. It must be respected and protected.

Article 3 - Right to the integrity of the person
Everyone has the right to respect for his or her physical and mental integrity.

Article 21 - Non-discrimination
Any discrimination based on any ground such as sex, race, colour, ethnic or social origin, genetic features, language, religion or belief, political or any other opinion, membership of a national minority, property, birth, disability, age or sexual orientation shall be prohibited.

Useful links:-

If you're a victim of homophobic bullying don't suffer in silence. Always let someone know, but if the bullying continues you could contact Childline , 0800 1111, or one of the following links.

Department for Education and Skills
www.dfes.gov.uk/bullying