Real life accounts of people coming out.
Hi Jason,
Im 17 and I've been out of the closet for a year. It has been a long and difficult period for me, what with the usual problems at school, things like that, you know where I'm coming from. I was unfortunately unable to experience a normal social environment as I was diagnosed with a mental condition at the age of nine and placed in a special school for children with autism and Asperger syndrome.
Asperger Syndrome is a mental complication involving a lack of imagination, a degree of emotional detachment from everything and an obsessive nature. I was diagnosed shortly after the death of my father, and it hit me hard when I discovered that I was being sent to a school mainly for children who couldn't control their own speech, let alone their movements or bowel functions.
This confused me; I have a high imagination and capacity for creativity, and I am most definitely not emotionally detached, in fact I can be too empathic sometimes. I don't know why I was sent there, but I was. Anyway, I started to notice something different when I was in the senior department of the school, and I quickly started to realise what I had been dreading for some time: that I was attracted to men. I remember feeling a sort of attraction to one of the male support workers when I was about 14, he was only 21 and he had to restrain me once after an autistic kid attacked me. God, he was so attractive, and so well-built! As he restrained me, I got turned on but I didn't know why (Im not into BDSM or any of that shit) but it was then that I really started to question myself.
That September, I was put into mainstream education in Denbigh High school, and that for me was the ultimate reality check. I was no longer talked to like a five-year-old, but I encountered a few people from my old primary school where I went through a highly emotional bout of bad behaviour prior to my time at the unit, and made many of the people around me hate me. My name was mud; I couldn't come out with my feelings and face further ridicule even though they were there; I had to shower seperately after PE in case of becoming aroused by the other lads. I was stuck inside my own head, with nobody to talk to about it, and that was when it really went to shit.
I started to develop views, political feelings, to hide behind. I became so pissed off by it all that I hid behind many ideologies, each as warped as the last. I smoked hilarious amounts of cannabis. I became the opposite of what I was. I turned racist, homophobic and anti-religious, just to cover up who I really was. During my first GCSE year (year ten) I succumbed to Nazism; towards the end of my second year, I adapted to Communism as I came to terms with myself and realised that the world was corrupt, that people like I was, who hid themselves behind twisted philosophies were just making the planet a horrible place to be, with always a scapegoat round the corner. I hated myself for my views. Sometimes, I still do, but then I realise that I had the power to change, to accept myself and reverse all of the bad shit I was teaching myself to believe. I abandoned politics, hit the weed hard for about a year, to carry on covering up, and then it was off to college at Yale in Wrex ham.
It was only in college that I could come out. I was shocked by the level of acceptance that was in the people there. I came out first to my mother, who seemed surprised but eventually realised that I was gay, and she accepted it well, for which I love her very much. I then came out to friends; after coming out to my mum, it was easy. I am now very open with my sexuality, and that is all that matters. Mentally I am comfortable; I still smoke weed from time to time but I have none of the twisted logic that I used to encounter. I do, however, feel alone in this world; I feel as if there is nobody who has gone through that much to cover up themselves. Of course, I am probably wrong, but I am still confused about everything else but my sexuality.
I feel like a monster sometimes, having taught myself stupid, shitty things that aren't even relevant to me, for being a homophobe, for being everything that I despise, even though it's all in the past. I try to love my fellow man now, and it is a lot easier now. Now that I have stopped hating myself, I can love other people and get on with my life. I only hope that some other people can learn from this. Please, for my sake, don't make the same mistakes as me, OK?
Hi.
'Coming out story' was the most accurate term I could think of -- but it was more of a revelation.
Here's what happened. At about 14-15, I started feeling attracted towards girls and women.
Right, I thought, so I must be lesbian.
Then when I had more-or-less made up my mind, I start finding men attractive as well. Aargh! What's this?? Can't make up my mind, why isn't life ever simple, all I want is concrete confirmation, etc. etc.
Firstly, of course, I was still young (still am) & probably not in a position to make any life decisions, but it was when I was 16 that I started being able to marshall my thoughts in order.
It was weird. I suddenly thought to myself, 'Hey, who's holding a gun to my head, shining a torch in my eyes & demanding 'Are you gay or straight?? We have ways of making you talk etc.'
The answer to this was; Me. I was intimidating myself, trying to force myself into one category just so things would be more convenient.
I think that in todays society too often people will put people into categories, stick labels on them, brand them and sort them and put them in a corresponding pile. This doesn't work. People aren't clothes from the laundrette or cans of baked beans or whatever. They're individuals.
So there was the big epiphany. Nobody was asking me to restrict myself to one category of people. If I'm attracted to someone I'm guessing it will be because of their own personal individual attributes, not because they're a boy/girl. Everyone's different and the aspects people like in other people are unique.
I'm currently attracted to a woman (unrequited affections . . . the pain of it . . . never mind, picture her in a bathing cap covered in mascarpone . . . ) Maybe next time it'll be a boy, or another girl. Who's to say?
Maybe when I'm older I'll decide for sure. But I still won't restrict myself or label myself or anyone else. Why should I? I think it's better to always be open.
Anyway, I liked the sight. I hope that more people visit it.
Hi
I'm Alun (it's pronounced Alin), I’m 17, I’m gay and I’m going to tell you all about my experiences. I haven't come out properly yet, 5 of my best and closest friends and relatives know, but I’m getting there.
I first called myself gay probably about a month ago, and it took me a while to get there...
I've probably always known that I was gay. Well at least through my early teens and stuff. I never really felt an attraction to many girls, but whenever I did it had always been my really close friends and then I never said or did anything because it would be 'weird', you know? Shagging your best mate?! That’s like incest only legal!
So yeah there was no real attraction to girls, but I really did try. At times I became really unhappy because of it, destined to die alone because of my lack of libido. Probably not the right phrase there... but yeah I just put it down to really poor self esteem. I’ve never been truly comfortable with my appearance so I just thought that I wasn't worthy or whatever, especially when compared to all the good-looking confident guys. Just thought that I could never measure up.
These feelings started to mount up when I began 6th form. My best friend at the time (Rhian- we're not so close now. had a little bust up on my birthday and she said that she never wanted to talk to me again... sorted now) got her first proper boyfriend, a guy named Matt. She didn't shut up about him! I started to get really upset about it, I’d have a little pang whenever she spoke bout him. I thought 'this isn't right!' so I came to the conclusion that I must have been in love with Rhea and super jealous of Matt! I was really good at it as well, lying to such and myself; I’d been doing it for years. So these feelings would grow, I'd look at his pics on myspace and start to 'hate myself' for being so jealous, and not being able to measure up to him. He’s totally different to me... tall, blonde, buff, rugby player (I’m not into sports. musician!) so I thought I was really jealous of him and in love with Rhi. I didn't speak to Matt properly because of it... ever!
In reality though, it was the other way around only a little less. I wasn't in love with Matt, I don't know him, but I had got my first gay crush, and I was a little jealous of Rhea to be honest. I just hadn't figured that out till recently.
So I’m confused and deceiving myself. Well I couldn't be gay could I? It would be impossible! My parents are traditionally homophobic as is my school so I couldn't be gay! Not around here! I got totally confused by trying to convince myself I was straight, so I eventually told my super awesome best friend Rachel (we're in a band together. check us out, www.myspace.com/novembercriminalsmusic) about my present state of mind and she was awesome with it; really understanding and helpful. Gave me a chance to free up some space in my head to really think about myself, and I came to the conclusion that I’m gay, but I’m ok with that!
So I had come out to Rachel and she was brilliant about it. Seriously awesome; I highly advise anyone who is confused or decided but just keeping quiet to tell someone extremely close to you, preferably a girl as they are a lot more understanding and usually more open minded. Rachel is the bestest friend that I’ve ever had; I’d be lost without her.
Next I thought that it was best to tell another friend, a girl called Lauren. I know that she’s always liked me and I thought that I liked her as well, but we just never got off like that. For a while I couldn’t understand why, I mean we got on really well since the moment we met, we both love doctor who, spongebob squarepants, we loved the same music (music woo!) and she’s real pretty as well. I always thought that it was just because I was a rubbish flirt that nothing happened, but it couldn’t have been really. We went to the school ball together and it just felt awkward. Ended up in a slow dance and it just felt strange.
I told her in weird circumstances. We were at a gig in Newport and I had to go out and get some gum or mints or something because I had just eaten a really smelly kebab. So we walked to the nearest shop in near silence and then I just said; ‘You know what? I’m gay.’
‘oh’
‘well that was easy’
‘gay as in happy’
‘well yeah but only you and Rachel know’
‘you mean you’re gay?’
‘yeah’
‘no you're not’
‘what?’
‘you're messing with me!’
and so on like that. Again thank god Rachel had a chat with her otherwise she’d still think I was joking.
So yeah two of my best friends know and i'm okay with that, I’m happy. Properly happy.
And then I go on holiday to Thailand with my elder brother to visits my cousin in Bangkok. It was going all right until one night when my cousin took us to the strip club street. I’d have loved it if I was straight; naked girls everywhere, being paid to be ‘friendly’. Near to the end of the night, after getting a little drunk and turning away yet another flirty Thai waitress if that’s the right word, my brother leaned over and asked what was wrong. And that’s when I said I was gay. He tried to convince me that I wasn’t, it couldn’t have been easy for him having a gay brother. He wants me to keep quiet about it until I’m absolutely sure because he doesn’t believe me.
My cousin had overheard me telling martin (my brother), and he was super fine with it after he got over the initial shock. Throughout the rest of the holiday he kept making little harmless gay jokes and stuff, just to show how comfortable with it he was. Bless him, wish he still lived around here
And the last preson who I told is my best guy friend Nick, the bassist in my band. I was extremely worried about telling nick, he’s always telling people that he’s not gay and calls other guys gay all the time as an automatic insult sort of thing you know? so I was wondering what his reaction would be. I always imagined the worst case scenario, punch in the face, walk out of the band, tell everyone and freeze me out forever. So we’re at a band practice, and its just me him and Rachel in the room (the others had gone out for a cigarette) and he calls me gay I say ‘yeah I am’
‘ha ha you’re gay!’
‘i’m being serious!’
‘really? You're gay?’
nod
‘mint’
and then he gave me a hug later on. I was just so damn relieved; I had been so scared of telling him and it was fine!
So that’s my story at the moment. I have yet to tell my parents or my little brother and sister or anyone else, but I’m okay. I’ll let them know when the time is right.
Right that’s me done
Before I go
I’d just like to say what a great help this website has been to me, and I hope that this story could help you out somehow Thanks very much
Alun
www.myspace.com/novembercriminalsmusic
www.myspace.com/the_punkrock_chipmunk
talk soon
xx
Hi Everyone,
I'm Dan, I'm 15, and I'm gay. I realized I was gay when I was 14. I'll start at the begining.
I was in 6th grade when I met Tom. He was the All-American boy, jock, and so cute. When I was in 6th grade, I was unpopular and picked on a lot. One day when I was walking around on the playground, a boy named Tyler came up and shoved me into a van and lifted me up so I was totaly helpless. Thats when Tom walked by and saw what was happening and tackled Tyler to the ground. Tyler ran off and Tom reached down and helped me, but noticed that I was bleeding on my lip so he took me to the nurse and waited for me. after that day we where best friends. When Tom and I became best friends, my life turned around completly. I became popular, was never bullied again and was even getting girl attention.
When I entered 7th grade, Tom began dating a girl by the name of Amanda. Within 1 month they had broken up and Amanda and I began to date. Tom was very supportive and even helped me get my first kiss. In that year we became even closer friends. We would hang out every night and talk. However in my 8th year at school, everything changed for the best and the worst.
When I was in 8th grade I had to deal with many things, mostly the death of my grandfather. When he died I was a wreck. I didn't go to school for 3 days and my parents just told the school I was sick. One day Tom came over to give me the homework and saw that I had been crying and asked what was wrong and I told him the truth about my grandfather and he canceled his plans for a date to help me. When he left he gave me a hug and the second he huged me a light flickered on in my head and I realized that I was gay and was in love with my best friend.
One night we went to a party and Tom had found me in the bathroom with a pocket knife cutting my arm. When my grandpa died I started cutting myself and when Tom saw he grabbed me and took me outside and started to confrot me, but before he could, we where pushed into a garden shed and locked in as a joke. While we where inside, he asked me why I would do that to myself and I said that it was because of y grandfather, but he realized I had another reason and demanded to know. So then I told him I was gay and was in love with him. Before I could say that if he didn't want to talk to me again I understand, he kissed me! He told me that for the last year he had been in love with me also. After that, I broke up with Amanda and she understood and we are great friends still. Then I began coming out with Tom at school and no one was homophobic toward us which was great. I havn't told my father yet, but I told my mom and sister. Tom and I have been together for the last 4 months and i t is amazing.
Anyone who is confused whether to come out or not because you're afraid that no one will accept you, you don't know. They may suprise you.
Well .... coming out was a big deal for me, but thinking about it, it shouldnt have been that hard.
i'd knowen since i was 13, that i had some feeling towards females id had feelings for this teacher at school and thought is this for real or just a faze. for 2 years i had these feelings so not really normal eh..?
moved to scotland and got a job working in mac'ds, and the feeling for that teacher i had for one of the other girls at work, the feeling in the pit of you stomach and butterflies in your when you see them again. i just put it down to a crush to the other sex.
i was about 16 when i finally amited to my self that i was gay.
we lived in inverness at the time and we had a friend that lived in aberdeen who my mum knew and he was gay she knew him form work and she would go through for the weekends and go out. then 1 weekend me and my bestfriend from school was going through to aberdeen for the weekend with my mum. we stayed with our friend, we were going out that night, mum told us that we were going out but we were going to a gay club. ok i thought. went out, went in to the club and it was really busy, (member my fist time in a club, gay club at that) had a realy great night. every time we went throught to aberdeen we'd go out to madison (the gay club). got to know quite a few people there and made some really close friends, mum had a gay friend in inverness as well who she met throught the friend in aberdeen, he and mum would always tease me about being gay. i just took it on the chin as them mucking around. so being around the gay community did make it a little easier to come out. a few weeks prior to telling everyone i'd told a close friend i'd been texing him say i had something to tell him but wasnt quite sure how to tell him, he ended up phoning me then i told him he was so chuffed for me, he was also gay and just a year older than me. i can remember the day i came out as if it was yesturday.
it was may 26th 2000, i'd done my last school exam that day and the same day i was moving through to aberdeen, we were going out to celerbrate me leaving school. met up with the friend that already knew, he was asking me when was i going to tell my mum coz i'd said i was going to tell her that night. we went to madison and there was about 10 of us all up on the balcony and my mum came to me and asked if i was ok and i said i was fine but i had some thing to tell her, when i told her i was gay she smiled gave me a great big hug and said she was sooo proud of me, but she had known for a while and was just waiting for me to tell her then she told everyone else and they all screamed and gave me a hug. then i got this drink bought by my mum and it was bright green all i know is it had 4 shoots of vodka in it, she said she did ask for champainge but they didn't have any on ice. i was so pleased that my mum took it sooooo well, i just didnt think she would take sooo well. after i had told my mum and friends in aberdeen i thought it was right to tell my best friend in inverness, when i told her she was really shocked and had no idea that i was gay. she also was pleased for me.
i told my brother at few months later at new year and he just said that he was cool with it but dosen't talk about it much, i told my dad i didn't get a reaction from him at all, i dont hear from him since i told him, but he's the one that's missing out on my life. i have my mum support and that's enough to make up for it. : )
Well... im not really out properly... i have told two people, my friend Harriet and my friend Eliza. I was going through some depression at the time, and i wrote a text message to Harriet with no intention of sending it. i had all about how i knew i was gay etc, and i went to press 'delete'... but actually pressed 'send'. I was mortified... i had no idea how she would react, and when she took a long time to reply i was thinking 'sh*t whats she thinking??' but eventually, she replied, and it was as if id told her i had blue eyes. Then the day after, with my new found courage, i started talking to Eliza, and told her as well. She was over the moon, being one of those girls who loves gay men. At the moment only those two people know, and if everyone treats me like they have treated me, then i will definitely be coming out properly soon. The people i can't tell are my parents. My mum's remarks make it quite clear to me that she ~thinks~ that she knows (im not the un-campest guy ever) and i just cant bring myself to tell her. Basically, so far, my story has been positive, but i know parts of it won't be. im bullied anyway and im not looking forward to them finding out, but they will have to know in the end. I think its obvious anyway. I will keep you posted as i come out any further.
Hi Jason. I have been looking on your web site for a while now and it seems pretty interesting. I would like to tell you about my coming out story. When i was a little boy I always felt different from the other boya. As I grew into puberty I kept on getting these intense feelings from guys. In a way I like it but on the other hand I was really scared. I experimented for a while with some people. I had told my mom what i did. I had asked her if I was gay. She told me that it was a phase I was going through. I'm 18 years old now and I still have these strong feelings towards guys. When my mom caught me looking on gay websites she started to cry and got really frustrated. She told me if I wanted to get f***ed up the a** then go on and do it!! I told her it wasn't the intercourse that I wanted to do... She cut me off by saying if it is not that then what is it? There was dead silence, I left the room after that. Now every time I try to talk to her she always changes the subject. I told my friends that I was gay and they all excepted me for what I am ( I feel so lucky to have friends like them). So right now I am having trouble looking for a guy Who is my age. Jason you probably will not receive this e-mail but if you do please put it on your coming out stories!!!
For me coming out has been like drinking a yard of ale: an incredibly slow process at first, before a surge as the ‘bulb’ is reached at the end.
The first person I had to come out to was myself. In my background, being gay is generally regarded as okay (but by no means ‘normal’), and when I realised that’s what I was, I was comfortable with it.
I was fifteen and with a large group of students in New York. I had always felt ‘different’, but this was the first time I actually realised I was gay. And this gradual realisation felt good.
At that time I wasn’t desperate for anyone to know, and being a shy, quiet type, no-one did know.
Well, in fact, someone did know. My best friend, Rebecca, had worked it out. Whenever she asked, I always told her that I wasn’t gay, but in a three-hour phone call to her one night I opened my heart and told here everything – everything she already knew.
It stayed like that for about two years – she was the only person who knew, and no-one else seemed to guess.
July 2000. It was the Summer holidays, I was sixteen and bored. Rebecca and my other very close friend, Ellen were at a loose end for things to do. One night we had a sleep-over party. We ended up watching Queer as Folk on video, and halfway through we went out for a walk. We were walking through the village in our bare feet, and Ellen turned to me and said, “You’re gay, aren’t you?” What followed was me hyperventilating and her taking that as meaning “yes”. And another two years passed.
Christmas 2001. I was nearly 18, and a year and a half of A-levels at our sixth form had turned me into something of a party animal. Our small German group had a night out planned for the sixteenth of December, and although I hadn’t planned to come out, it happened.
We were all quite drunk and the girls started discussing their taste in men. I started to join in in a fairly vague way, and one of the lads suddenly asked if I was gay. Various protests followed from the girls, saying that it was no-one’s business but mine, and that I didn’t have to answer that. But I did answer. “Yes,” I said quietly.
Everyone told me it was something of a shock and they would never have suspected. But all of them took it fantastically well, and remain some of my best friends today.
March 2002. My sister came in drunk one night, confessed she’d read my text messages and asked who “Chris” was. I said he was someone off the Internet who fancied me. She asked if I fancied him, and I said no. “Why?” she asked, “Because he’s a lad, or because you just don’t fancy him?”
“Because I just don’t fancy him,” I said.
“So you’re gay then?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
“Wow!” she said, clearly very happy.
It was no big deal to her, just the best thing in the world.
May 2002. I had finished all my A-level courses, and was just about to leave school together. Our leavers’ prom was on the seventeenth of May, and I decided that I was not going to leave without everyone knowing I was gay. I got very drunk (as did everyone else there), and to this day I cannot remember what happened, but by the next day, the whole sixth form knew. And not a sorry word from anyone.
June 2002. My cousin’s birthday party was an all-day, all-night barbeque party and the whole family were there. As usual I got very drunk. There was no way I had planned to let anyone know I was gay, but strangely enough each one of them – every aunt, cousin and uncle – came to me and asked. To everyone I said simply, “Yes.” They were all very pleased for me. All of them took it very well, and every single one of them told me that my secret was safe with them. By that time it was hardly a secret. But I’m glad they care about me so much.
And that’s the story really. I should say the stories, because coming out happened to me in a number of episodes. And the story isn’t over. The people who I haven’t told are my parents and my grandparents.
I suspect my parents already know, so coming out to them should be no big deal. But I’m still waiting for the right time. I want it to be special.
I have no plans to tell my grandparents. Not because I don’t want them to know, but because I’m not sure they would understand. They are from a generation where being gay is not acceptable, and I love them too much to fall out of favour with them.
July 2002. I was out walking one night with Ellen. We were talking about deep stuff. I realised that I had never in my life said those two words: “I’m gay.” She had known for two years, but it still took about half an hour for me to build up the courage to tell her. “I’m gay,” I said for the first time ever.
And it felt good.
Coming out, What's after it? Only two weeks ago i come out, well to my mum anyway. I had had a big week with lots of partying and drinking. And this one Thursday night, i was drunk, and knew that the next day i had to go and visit my mum. I kept telling myself (whilst drunk) that i had to tell my mum i was gay. But this was becoming a common occurrence when i was drunk and when i sobered up, i would not feel the same and did not wanna tell her. But this day was different, i woke up in the morning and still felt that i had to tell her. On the way everything went through my mind, what if she tells me she doesn't love me?, what happens if i am told im evil and a disgrace to the family? and in some ways i was prepared to give up my family just so they could know the 'real' me! I was so nervous when i arrived, because everything was going as planned my mum was the only one home, so i had the perfect opportunity to tell her within the first 20 minutes of my arrival. Standing in front of the fire, i was thinking how the hell am i gonna do this? Then my phone beeped , i went to my mobile to read a text message i had received. It was from a girl at work telling me she had to tell me that she has a huge crush on me, and couldn't keep it hidden anymore, i just blushed and said 'Oh My God', my mum looked at me and asked what i was talking about, i went up and showed her the message, and she said "well do you like her" and i replied with "No" mum asked why and i just said "because i dont, ok" She then looked at me very weirdly and said "why not.... dont you like girls" i knew it was here i just had to say "No... im gay mum" and that i did. She was really good with it, she said she had kinda guessed and that i was still her son no matter what. and lets face it I am, no matter what!
This is part one of a two part article I am writing on my coming out as a gay man - its intended to feed back advice to young people just embarking on that particular life journey. Part 1 deals with accepting myself as a gay man, Part 2 with coming out to others.
1. Finding out for myself
First inklings
New school, puberty, adolescence, wanting to be independent from your parents, first crushes, wet dreams, periods, GCSEs, embarrassment, spots, a need to belong. It all happens to you in a few years and starts when we were still a kid and it's a lot to deal with.
Just to make it a whole lot easier your parents load you with their expectations and society expects you to grow through all this to become responsible young man or woman. You need to learn and pass exams and not get in too much bother. You may be expected to be good at sports or find a part time job or look after younger brothers and sisters.
Suddenly things are a whole lot different. And there's always someone ramming it down your throat that these are the best days of your life! I sucks, doesn't it?
Everyone goes through it, bar none. But that's not helping you, right? It didn't help me!
We want to believe we are normal. That there's nothing embarrassing that makes us look stupid or weird or different from all the others. And now when you see that someone is different, they seem more different than they did when you were just a kid, more frightening. You can understand it. So much is changing. There must be something normal to cling to!
The chances are that at school, in the playground, you are constantly hearing shouted insults and many of them will be about sex and sexuality. Either she's a bitch, a slut, a lesbo or he's a wanker, a bum boy, a queer. You may well throw these insults about yourself. You're just trying to fit in. These taunts are expressions of the fear of the unknown we all feel when we are young.
The chances are that the reason you surfed into this web site and are reading this is that you are thinking about your sexuality or maybe a brother's, a sister's or friend's. That's fine. That's why I wrote this. To help you understand.
So who the hell am I? Well I certainly ain't a sociologist or psychologist. Actually I trained as an engineer. But that's nothing to do with it really. The reason I'm writing this it because I'm a human being who's gay, I grew up gay and thought a few words might help some other guys and girls going through what I went through. I really believe its important for you to know for sure that's it's OK to be gay! It took me far too long to realise that.
I was twelve years old when I was standing in the playground at school and noticed another boy. Nothing earth shattering about that? Well, no, not unless I add that when I noticed him I noticed something about him that I had never seen before, never even thought about before. I noticed he was really good looking - I found him very attractive. I was attracted to look again, and again, and again. And each time I looked I felt like I was more and more attracted to him. Lets face it - I fancied him to bits! Actually he made me feel wonderful…
… and scared shitless! I was a boy. He was a boy. That means… ummmm… you know…. Doesn't it?
I couldn't tell a soul. That I knew for sure. Least of all the object of my attractions. The main thing I needed was a way of hiding how I felt about this boy. After all it's only one boy out of hundreds at the school, I reasoned, and I don't fancy anyone else. It will probably pass. I can hide it 'til I fancy a girl.
Within a few days I had constructed my closet. Gay men and women talk about the closet as the place within themselves they hide to protect themselves from their homophobic surroundings. Almost every gay person has constructed a closet of some description. For some, like me, the closet is built to hide feelings I knew about from the outside world. I knew I was having sexual feelings about a boy - my closet was there to stop other people knowing. For others, the closet excludes even themselves. I mean they use it to hide their sexuality from themselves usually because they are too frightened or shocked to accept what they have suddenly discovered about themselves.
As the months passed, liking boys didn't pass. I just started living within a closet. I fancied other boys. Not many. Some boys just had that effect on me.
Feeling Gay
Slowly my friends started to talk more and more about girls. And I joined in! I had never looked at a girls like they had, I had never felt a need to… but the feelings I had for those few boys I fancied seemed to be the similar…so I could easily simulate an interest in girls without ever having to date a girl. By the way, very many young gay people do date the opposite sex during their teens. Its all part of getting to know who you are… and that was never an easy path to follow.
Its also important to say that some straight people have sexual experiences with partners of the same sex during their teens. Again its all part and parcel of the same journey. But I am not really talking about sex. Its more about an emotional attraction, more about feeling more natural, more comfortable, more right. Gay people learn that they connect emotionally, feel a natural attraction and love for some members of the same sex. Straight people learn the same things about the opposite sex. When I saw a good looking girl, I saw a good looking girl. When I saw a good looking boy, its clicked emotionally.
Coming out as a gay person starts with working out this first thing about attraction. Ask yourself, when you feel most comfortable with an attraction, is it usually someone of the same sex as you or someone of the opposite sex? I was lucky. I could answer this question right from that first crush. I was emotionally and physically attracted to a few members of the same sex and not at all to members of the opposite sex.
But did I know then that its OK to be gay?
The trouble with being gay
The answer is a very big: NO! I had got as far as accepting that I was homosexual, but I made a distinction between that and being gay. Being homosexual was a convenient scientific word that described me finding members of the same sex sexually attractive. Being gay would mean a whole lot more. It would mean identifying myself as something other than "normal". It would mean identifying with a whole life style. And I knew absolutely nothing about what it meant to be gay. I was very frightened of that little word.
I had been taught that gay was definitely not "normal" and that "normal" people were disgusted by gay people. And I kind of believed it. But what I was dreaming about was the opposite of disgusting - to me, an entirely normal young man, the romantic and physical dreams I had about young men were absolutely beautiful. They could be clinically homo but not disgustingly gay.
So I remained in my closet, comfortably hiding my sexuality from the outside world. It became convenient and I found ways of blocking out the guilt I felt because I was telling lies.
My mum seemed to be as frightened of homosexuality as the next person. And the teachers at school were petrified of it. Homosexuality was only ever the subject of pathetic playground banter. No one ever dealt with the subject.
Getting physical
It is so important to be informed about the physical side of sexuality. In many countries adults are very frightened about dealing with the sex issue with their sons and daughters. The chances are that if you have received any formal sex education at all it has been exclusively about men and women doing what they do to have babies. That's pretty damned important since that's where we all came from. For those of us learning about our gay sexuality it may be interesting but its about as much use as a candle in a storm. When loving partnerships form the partners express their love in loads of ways only one of which is sex. And this is as true for gay couples as it is for straight couples.
I'm really sorry for the girls out there! This bit is really for the boys…
When I first found out that anal sex happened between to guys I was quite shocked and frightened. I could deal with other stuff quite without a blink, but anal was a complete no, no for some years. And its important to say that many gay men never want to have anal sex and that that is perfectly fine. But then many gay men do want and enjoy anal sex.
Don't worry about sex! Don't worry whether you will be good at it or bad at it. You don't need to know until the time is right for you to know. And that is probably a while away yet.
We must all be responsible when we are having sex. That goes for straight sex as well as gay sex - and for the first time as much as any other time. There is no question that unprotected anal sex is one of the most efficient ways of transmitting sexually transmitted diseased (STDs). There is lots of safe sex advice else where on the net. For now I'll just say that whenever you have anal sex you must make sure that the partner who is entering is using a condom with plenty of water based lubricant like KY. Don't be embarrassed in the chemist or supermarket - you will likely be the hundredth person to buy condoms in the last few days! The shop assistant will handle the little boxes with as much interest as they handle a packet of sugar.
Edging out
By the time I reached sixteen gay men were becoming more visible. AIDS forced gays centre stage. A deadly sexually transmitted disease forced opened society's eyes as it began to assimilate the tragedy unfolding everywhere and for the first time gay men and women were the leaders and shakers. They carefully peeled off many of the prudish misconceptions straight people held true of gay people. Gay men and women emerged as caring and vulnerable, able to lead and able to make a difference.
In the compassionless world of the school playground AIDS became "anally injected death sentence". Thus the love making of two men was not only buggery to the straight world, it was also now a potent and much deserved journey of death. But AIDS did elicit sympathy from a wider community of concerned non-gay people. And in a terrible twist AIDS began to thaw the divide between the gay and straight world.
In parallel with AIDS my own self-confidence grew. I left school to pursue an alternative, self-determined path to somewhere that turned out to be university and an engineering degree. College was a wonderful personal experience. At sixteen I had been a careful, nervous, sensitive boy with no idea of what I was capable. In the next two years I had matured a great deal, been challenged, challenged myself and slowly, ever so slowly and slightly my closet began to corrode.
I began to wonder about coming out, about what it must be like for the growing number of men and women who were doing just that. Gay Pride marches started to appear around the world. But no one I knew had anything to do with being gay. There was still no one to talk to. And I still hadn't really allowed that tag for myself: gay.
University was a curious mix of more education with which I was rather bored and tremendous friendships which I treasure still. Gay people were more and more visible laying down a silent challenge to me. Gay people were saying out loud: we're not normal, normal is boring, we're what we are, we are proud, we are sexy, we are responsible. And the message still flew in the face of my own self image. I was still a normal guy. I was not an activist, I did not think much of the promiscuous lifestyles that I reasoned had exacerbated the AIDS crisis if they had not caused it in the process.
I went on fancying guys!
By the final year I was becoming depressed. Partly with education and partly by my closet.
Could I now fit the tag "gay" to who I was? I had known now for nearly ten years that I fancied guys and not girls. Even with all the struggle I still felt right being homosexual. I had worked out that it must be possible to have a loving, mutually supportive relationship with another man even if the possibility of the becoming a reality for me was still distant and frightening. I was twenty one and had a lot of pent up love to give.
One evening toward the end of my final university year I went out for a walk. I must have been thinking deeply and probably a bit desperately by then about my sexuality and all of a sudden I muttered to myself: I am a gay man. I repeated it over and over. It was a profound expression and acceptance and meant so much to me. At last I knew who I am. I am a gay man.
It had taken me a whole decade to get to that point. Ten years to say ever so quietly to myself "I am a gay man". And I could only do that then because I had at last convinced myself that I felt it was "OK to be gay".
Just remember that millions of men and women just like you and me have taken that journey and come to that same conclusion: its OK to be gay.
If you or a friend or a brother or sister or son or daughter are just now embarking on that journey I know you/they will likely reach the same conclusion. It maybe an interesting ride, it may be painful. The best thing is to get it over with as quickly as possible.
Malcolm Stephenson.
It was only recently that I found the courage to finally come out of the closet and tell my friends and family whom I trust and care deeply for that I was gay and I really feel good now I’ve done so. I saw this website while my parents were away on holiday and after thinking long and hard I thought “Right, now’s the time to be true to myself and to my friends” I knew I felt different since I was about 13 (I’m 17 now) but due to a lack of information (thanks to clause 28!) it took me quite a while to work out what my feelings meant.
The first friend you tell is always the most difficult but he was fine with who I was and gave me confidence saying that the group we hang out with wouldn’t have a problem either. Family is another planet altogether. I decided to tell grandma first because she’s one of these people you meet that never has a problem with anyone or saying a bad word about anything. She’s been supportive ever since and even gave me a switchboard number to phone. When it got to my parents I was worried how they’d react. I had a simple strategy; I left a note lying around saying that I needed to talk to them otherwise I knew I’d probably never get the confidence to tell them at all. So, late evening we sat down (I had my jacket with £20 and my mobile if things got ugly) but unknown to me Mum already knew because some idiot (namely myself) left a personal poem called “letting go” lying around. “Letting go” by the way is on Jason’s poetry corner. But anyway we had a long talk and my parents are fine with it with my Mum saying that she’s glad that I trusted her. There are some people who I won’t tell including my sisters with one being to young to understand and the other unable to keep any secret and having everyone at an all boys school knowing that I’m gay might be problematic.
Anyway, with only a few friends left to tell things have gone all right so far but not having second sight I don’t know what the near future will be like but I look forward with optimism and feeling good about the fact that I’m not alone anymore. Thanks Jason and all my friends out there for being cool about who I am.
I came out to a friend at 14, someone I trusted, and a choice that turned out to be the right one! You see, having told just one person I instantly had someone who I could share my worries and anxieties with, and she could do the same with me - it was mutually beneficial. Apart from her it was a secret though. It was when I was 16 I told a few more friends, and during the last couple of years (I am now 18) I truly 'came out'.
What is 'truly' coming out though? Well, I wasn't in your face about it, I just made sure all the important people in my life knew, including my Mum, Dad, brothers and sisters, Gran and the remaining close friends I hadn't told... in my case, once the shock had subsided, people were fine with me, in fact it even made me feel closer to some people.
But my fortunate story wouldn't apply to all closeted gay men and women because in some cases people don't react well. I would look upon it in this way; once you've told them, it's off your shoulders, and their coming to terms with it is their problem. Tell them and then carry on as normal and they'll eventually realise you're the same old person (give them a chance to come to terms with it before you start having orgies on their kitchen table though).
It's no easy task, and it's bloody unfair that people around us assume we're straight by default, but in my case correcting them has done me (and them) the world of good.
It was when I came out to my mum. I was too scared to tell her myself so I left 'Beautiful Thing' the film round my parents house with a letter inside that said on the front "Read after seeing the film". I then went on holiday for a week. When I came back I was petrified of the reaction I would get when I collected my video.
I went round and I said to my mum "what did you think of the film?" to which she replied "I haven't got round to watching it yet!" Bearing in mind how on edge I was I went into the kitchen on my own and started to cry. When my mum came in she said "what's the matter?" All I could say was "I really needed you to watch that video it was really important to me! (Sob Sob)" to which she replied very calmly "I don't need to watch any video to tell me what I already know about my own son!
At this point I cried a bit more and said "But you don't understand....You will never have grand children by me.....will you treat my partner like a son-in-law?" Her only answer was "You are my son, I love you no matter what and any partner of yours will be welcome at our dinner table to sit where they belong with the rest of the family."
From that day to this I have never looked back and whenever my Mum ask's me how I am I know she is asking me how things are in my relationship to which I always answer "Fine thanks Mum....but then you know that 'cause you spoke to him last week on the phone!"
Now, this isn't really a coming out story, and no, my mother is not a lesbian. The letter below reveals some thoughts from the mum on her gay kid (me), a different perspective.
"Firstly I would like to congratulate Jason on starting this website, and to tell him how very proud I am of him!
Secondly I am completely computer illiterate so Jason will (if he agrees) be entering this himself. So no editing to your own advantage please.
I have known that Jason was gay since he was 13 or 14. I can still see him sitting cross-legged on the armchair in the living room.
He and I had been watching a film together. Probably an old black and white horror video'd from the night before, you know the kind of thing, rubber bats and moving scenery, we liked to have a good laugh.
He had been a bit quieter than usual so I knew he had something to say. (he would tell me when he was ready)
When the film finished his words were: "Mum if I didn't turn out quite as you expected, would you still love me!"
I knew before he uttered a single word what he was going to say.
Call it mothers intuition if you like. Of course I reassured him and told him I loved him no matter what.
I can't deny that I have been worried about at times. You hear so many horror stories about gay people being attacked and bombs being set off in gay clubs/pubs. But the people who commit these atrocities are the ones with the problems no gay folk.
I'm not saying that all gay people are wonderful. But you get good and bad whether you are straight or gay.
I have always said that: Life is too short not to have someone in your life to love you and to love in return. If that person happens to be of the same sex as yourself so what!
Love Thelma (Jason's Mum)."
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