: : : bgiok : : :

Alan

Hi guys and gals, this is a story that has not quite reached its conclusion so stay tuned for further installments

The story begins in my 3rd year of high school.I had known I was attracted to guys for as long as I could remember, but was still locked in denial. So I began dating a girl in my year, and as far as I was concerned this was my lifestyle.

We had been dating for about a month when our relationship began to get 'serious'. I won't go into the gory details but I physically could not bring myself to do it. It was then I had a realisation. I was gay, not bi, gay.

I was comfortable with this fact but I was not yet ready for other people in my life to know. I stayed in the closet until earlier this year.

Me and one of my best freinds were playing poker, as cliche as it sounds and she had recently come out as being bi so I thought she would be a good starting point. I was right. She was very cool about it and we talked long into the night about guys, a conversation genre I was forign to at the time.

I then told one other person, a straight girl. I was building up to what I thought was the biggest hurdle in coming out. Telling your straight guy best freind.

I thought for a long time about it and finally resolved to tell him after school when we were walking home alone. I turned to him and said bluntly, "I'm Gay." The reaction was surprising, no over reaction, no freaking out, just a handshake and good comments.

My family are very homophobic, so i'm still closeted in that respect but I'm happy with my life now.

Finally, if you don't take the advice from this website, take it from me. The closet, your better off out of it.

Love and hugs xx

Brittney

I was eleven when I decided that I liked girls. I never said anything, because I always figured that I was just confused, and would get over it with time. I'm 16 now, and have come to terms with my homosexuality.

Back in August, my brother and I were in his car on our way back home from visiting our dad. He mentioned that some things were found in my old room at my aunt's house. As in pamphlets on coming out etc. Also some poetry written by some of my gay friends. I denied that it was mine, but he kept talking about it, and finally I turned to him and said "I like girls."

He damn near crashed the car because he was laughing so hard. I burst into tears, because I was sure he thought I was lying to him. He finally stopped laughing and told me it was cool, and that he had no problem with it. I made him swear not to tell anyone, and after that we didn't mention it.

A few weeks ago, I asked him to drop me at the mall. He asked why and I told him that I had a date with a girl. He flipped out, and started yelling about how he thought it was just a phase, and I just needed a boyfriend to make me 'normal' again. I kept my mouth shut.

I went to the mall, and had my very first date with a girl. It didn't work out. But I was upset the next day, and told my bestfriend everything. He understood because he's bisexual. He told me everything would be okay. The next day, he bought me a gay-pride pin, which is now on my purse. With his help, I came out to my closest friends, who turned out to be really supportive.

Lately, I've been trying to get comfortable enough to let everyone at school know. I'm pretty sure they'll figure it out when I share my report about gay-marriage, but I'd feel better if they came to their own conclusion.

My family still doesn't know. I'm terrified of their reaction, especially since one side is strictly Catholic, and the other side frequently calls anything and everything 'gay'. I intend to tell them before I leave for college next year, but it's still hard to know that I'm lying to everyone.

That's it. Check back in though, maybe I'll let you know what happens when I tell my family. :)

Zoe

I'm Zoe and i'm 15. I have known i'm a lesbian ever since i was 11, and i always kinda accepted it and embraced it happily. For some reason i just didn't think it was such a big deal. Though i kept it hidden all the same. I was afraid of peoples reactions and afraid of society if they knew.

For four years i kept it bottled up inside. I went through crush after crush on different girls, and it seemed kinda normal to me, even though all my friends spoke very harshly of it. It was also frustrating, because i liked so many different girls, but i knew i would never be able to be with them. Even if they were gay as well, asking them out would mean coming out and i was afraid of that.

Just last month, i decided to finally tell my best friend. I was exploding inside from hiding it and i thought i could trust her and that she would understand. After all, she was my best friend. I was very wrong.

She totally freaked out and turned her back on me, leaving me devastated. Not only did she turn on me, she told my sister that i am a lesbian, as well as her parents. Then my sister freaked and told my dads girlfriend, then she told dad. And now my dad is devastated and is blaming it all on himself. And it gets worse...

My dads side of the family are all Christians, which means that to them, homosexuality is a big NO NO. My sister came to me one night and told me that i have a demon inside of me, and that she was going to find someone "trained" to get it out of me, and that it could be pretty nasty. Then she proceeded to tell my little sister that i have a demon and told her stories of how men were possessed and the demons controlled them to kill themselves. That scared her aswell.

It has all gone too far and i wasn't intending on telling my family for a long time, as i knew that their reactions would be somewhat similar to how it is right now.

Dad believes that maybe if he is more affectionate to me, ill change. But him being all touchy feely is making me feel uncomfortable.

Another thing: I have a girlfriend. But she lives 3 hours away from me..and my dad has found out about us (thanks to my best friend..or should i say ex-best friend) and now he is tearing me away from her. And this is tearing me from limb to limb knowing i can't see her. At the moment im really depressed and crying myself to sleep at night. But my family already think i have depression so i can't show it.

Then, as all this was happening, i realised i had an alternative. My mother. She hadn't heard anything about me being gay, so i decided to risk telling her, as i had no one else to turn to. It was the hardest thing, trying to get the words out, and my mum got really worried, seeing that i was really stressed. When i finally did tell her, she just laughed! She told me she had her suspicions anyway and it was no big deal. I felt so relieved and even told her about my girlfriend. And she is fine with all of it. THANK GOODNESS.

So things got a little better, now that my mum was supporting me. I'm out to the entire family now, but i'm still not out to my friends. After my best friends betrayal, i am really paranoid about telling them. It would kill me to lose more friendships, so I’m taking it one step at a time and seeking people who i can trust.

What worries me most is i live in a small town, and word gets around fast. Pretty soon everyone will know, whether i tell them or not. But i want to be the one to tell them. It was ME who wanted to tell my family later down the track, but that chance got taken away from me. And it was hard. Really hard. I'm slowly pulling through with my family..and hopefully when my friends do find out, they will be ok with it.

Until then, i embrace my homosexuality with pride, i hold my head high and let my dads side know that i'm not going to change. I'm halfway out of the closet.

There you go. Things weren’t exactly easy for me, but i knew from the beginning that it would be hard. To me, being gay is a gift. We should all accept it.

And in a later email:

Hey again.

Last time I wrote about coming out, I was focusing on my family and the conflicts with them. I was half-way out the closet. I mentioned that I was too scared to tell my school friends.

Well, over the last few weeks I have been slowly coming out to all of them, one by one. Turns out all of them are completely fine with it, and some even like asking me questions about the whole matter, to ease their curiosity.

What makes it even better is that they all treat the topic like normal everyday conversation. We can all just start having a conversation about when I am going to see my girlfriend next and what I'm going to get her for Valentines Day and things like that. It's great. I have also moved back in with my mother. Good choice. Mum says once she meets my girlfriend's parents, she will let me stay with her on weekends WOOT!

My whole school knows that I am a lesbian now. Due to a certain thing called "gossip". Hehe but it's fine. I don't get any crap from anyone. And if I do, my friends put a stop to it. I'm so much happier now that everyone knows. I can discuss my feelings openly now. I don't have to keep everything bottled up inside. I am now COMPLETELY out of the closet.

.:Zoe:.

Kate

Hi guys here's my story:

I used 2 walk 2 school with my homophobic best friend. On the way 2 school I saw this hot girl who I passed almost every day. I happened to know she was gay and had a girlfriend so I didn't do anything about it - only told my mum who was fine with it. Anyway. That was about a year ago and since then I found out the girl I liked was single - only problem was I didn’t no anything about her except I knew a friend of her sisters so i got talking to her and eventually got her sisters mobile number. So I started texting her (dropping subtle hints here and there!) and one day asked if she wanted to meet up. 4days later she asked me out - yay! Luckily my best mate had left school by then but she still found out coz I live in a small town and word got round...

At the time we started going out it was a long wkend, and so I was pretty nervous and excited coz i psyched myself up 2 tell my (new) best mate. B4 I'd wanted 2 tell ppl but was way 2 scared so that I'd leave it 4 a while - but now that I had a girlfriend that now’s as good a time as any! But when I got 2 school my mate came up 2 me and said "I got a strange text msg at the wkend!" It said "I've got big news 4 u. Kate is a lesbian" ---and as the week went on I found out my ex-best mate had texted basically anyone and everyone so my whole yr new b4 id even got 2 school practically! What’s worst is my mum died recently and yet my best mate is that much of a homophobic she didn’t care how much I was already hurting...

Luckily not every one is as pathetic as her and I’ve had not one single homophobic comment etc since! And it is much better now that I’ve come out. I walk around with my head held high - no one takes any notice of homophobics anyway

:-)

Matthew

My story is a little different then the others.

you see, it has never occured to me before that i may be gay until i was 16. i was just an ordinary teenager with ordinary problems. I had had three failed relationships with girls, but at that age, i guess it is to be expected.

I cannot honestly remember when i first realised, but over time, i realised that i was finding males more and more attractive. Now, at this stage, i was now 17 and was in my first year of tertiary studies. One day, the confusion just got so great that i decided to confide in one of my female friends about my problem. So i told her straight out "i think i may be gay". of course, she asked all the obvious questions, but the most important thing she said to me was "matt, it is ok. i will always love you for who you are, no matter what your sexual preferences are".

This was a big wake up call for me. i realised that, no matter what decision i made, that i had one person who loved me. So, over time, i slowly started to embrace and except my sexuality and i must say, it felt great. I found that i was able to talk openly to her about it and she offered great advice. But as i had never really done anything physical (Other then holding hands and kissing) with a girl, i was still a little confused about it all. So, on a mutual agreement, we decided that we would have sex. Now i know this may seem bizarre (believe me, it was) but i just wanted to try it; just once, to see what it was like. Afterwards, it became really apparent that this was not me; i was so uncomfortable and awkward and i felt so out-of-place it wasnt funny. We talked about it afterwards and she simply said "matt, its ok to be gay". i know this seems a rather weird way to go about confirming my sexuality, but at least now i know for sure.

However, i still felt like i was hiding, so, slowly but surely, i told all my mates. And this is where i truly learnt the value of friendship; every single one of my mates i told said that they didn't care. Of course, there were few that said "i always knew" and "well, nothing has changed, just please dont fall for me" as jokes, but i other then that, everyone was great. I have been talking to some other gay people on the net, and there is a guy that i really like and hope to meet him one day, but for now, i am just embracing my new-found self and am having so much fun.

however, i still feel like i am hiding; there is a group of people i havent told yet; the family. It took so much guts to come out to my mates and tell them that i was gay, i am not sure if i can tell my family. i have to live with them and i am very scared about what they would think of me.

Two months have passed since i have told all of my mates and i feel so much better. I am simply waiting for the day when i can turn to my family and say "guys, i am gay". although i have not told my family that i am gay, it hasnt stopped me from going out and having so much fun with guys. I know it may sound like i am living a double life, but in a way i am not; i am still myself, but i just dont bring guys home to meet my family. i will one day, but the way i see it, there is no rush.

thanks for reading everyone (sorry if it was too long),

also, my email is mhk04@hotmail.com if you ever want to email me.

- Matthew

well my coming out story is pritty confusing.. i was about 15 when i realised i had feeling for girls.. but i was still in school and it was really hard to tell anyone so i just kept my self in denile as i was quiet scared...

then i left school at 16 and started college and met new people and started to have feelings and thoughts about a certain friend of mine we wernt really that close but she was hot..

but still i didnt think i could tell anyone so i kept it to my self a year went by me feeling like i was lost... i met this guy on teh net and decided to meet him i had other realtionships with guys inbetween this but i didn't have feeling for them and the thought of havin sex with a guy made me feel quiet sick...

so met this guy and he was really canny, but wasn't for me then i told him a few days later i thought i might be a lesbian and he was totally cool with it well actually i told him i thought i was bi-sexual..

because he was totally fine with it i told my best friend and she was like 'yeh thought u were, i was just waitin for you to tell me' so that was really cool, then i started telling more of my friends and they all were fine with it..

then about 4 months after i came out in my self i met a girl n we went out for a drink and ended up kissing *my first kiss from a lass* i thought i was in heaven... we kissed quiet a lot after that just when we were out on a friday nite... from then ive definatly new i was a lesbian and have never looked at a guy twice..

so when i defenatly new i was a gay i decided my parents should no so i told my mam it was pritty funny the way i told her but shes totally fine with it but she told me not to tell my dad as he would kick off and maybe chuck me out of my house...

so i havent still yet told my dad and im pritty scared incase he disowns me or somethin.. but i am a strong indiviual and wouldn't change who i am for any one...

I was at a party with a bunch of my close friends we had all been drinking and we were all sitting up in my friends room talking and then I went over to my friends walk-in closet and said okay guys this is important, i had their full attention. I walked into the closet stood inside for about a minute thinking about what i was about to do. Then i opened the door and came out "Guys you are all very important to me and that is why im doing this...im bisexual" It felt so good to say the words outloud. It literally felt like a big rock was lifted off my chest. But the i was immediatly scared "What did i just do???" It ended up not that bad everyone was like are you serious thats kewl and i got questions all night. Im not normally the kind of person to drink but im glad that i did other wise i would not be going down the road of self-acceptance liek i am now.

So now all my close friends knew and it was a relief. But there were still my other friends that i wanted to tell. I wasnt trying to be flamboyant about it but it was just something that i had to do to continue on the path of self-acceptance. I colored a piece of computor paper liek a rainbow wrote the word "PROUD" on it and hung it up on the outside of my locker. No one has said anything mean to me about it yet. Im hoping they dont. People around me have stopped using the words gay, fag, etc when around me..even the jocks! Ive had people write things on my locker sign liek you are so brave, or i respect you so much. When i saw those things wrote on my locker sign i almost started to cry. It made me fell so good about myself that now people are kinda looking up to me and im glad i made the decision to come out. Theres only one problem i still have to tell my parents and im scared to death but maybe one day soon i can add on to here Comming out #3

Hi I'm Ellie,well I've known that I've been attracted to girls since I was in secondary school but never really admitted it to myself.I managed to block it out of my mind until I met my first gay friend when I was 16 and working in Tesco (yeh tesco..niiice!).

His name is Malcolm and i met his friend Peter and they decided to take me to the Granby (the local gay club), where, first of all, i was the new faghag in town but then it started niggling away at me that i was finding more and more girls attractive and wanting a relationship with them.

One day at the Granby I ended up gettin really drunk and confessed what i felt to a gorgeous girl that was there and we ended up kissing (my 1st girly kiss awww). All my friends and the close knit community (gossips lol) at the granby saw us and they all stood there shocked so i looked around and shouted out, "I'M GAY alrite?!" (which was probably not the best way to go about it!) Sooo, news travels fast and i was out to all my gay friends and joined an LGBT group called Reachout.

A few years down the line after a couple of relationships with girls I made a gaydargirls profile but i didnt delete the history on the computer so my dad decided to have a nose around, he found my profile, which was just a little bit rude, *red face* and he told my mum. When i got home they both started screamin at me and my dad held me in a room until i managed 2 get out and go and stay with one of my gay friends for a few days. So I stayed there and then when i went home my mum didnt mention it again but my dad was ok with it and was asking me all sorts of questions. So my story isn't all rainbows and butterflies but it's ok now and i'm moving into my own place in 2 weeks so can have any girls i want around at anytime! Yay!Xx

Well iv known I was gay for a very long time now, I knew when I was about 10/11, actually just as I started high school (I was the youngest in my year), as you may imagine that was a bit of a shock……hell it was a massive shock!! I did the worst possible thing that I could have done which was to complexly burry my feelings to try to fool those around me and worst of all my self. This went on for about 5 years and I was so unhappy, depressed and at points suicidal. I was so unhappy and shy that I had very few friends that I felt comfortable with, and they were all girls. As my exams approached I got study time off so was at home a lot more this gave me time to reflect on who I was. One day while I was watching day time TV “Trisha” came on it was a story about how 2 parents were devastated because there son had killed him self because he was gay and felt as though if he came out to his family they would hate him. Well it was sort of a kick up the arse…. i sat thinking holy Christ I could end up like this. I thought for ages and finely came to terms with it, was I dying? Did I kill someone? Did I get someone pregnant/ was I into drugs/ no! To all of them I was gay so it sort of put things into perspective

I did all my exams and started the summer holidays, in the first week I told my best friend and she was so great about it, without her I would never have got to this point. I went on through the holidays and went away for the weekend with my mum, I told her and she said that she had already known, for ages. I talked to her for hours and we both ended hugging each other and promising that what ever I never had to hide myself to my mum and dad, as they love me for who I am. So I came home and told dad and my bro who both were very very very shocked, but supportive of me.

I started collage a few weeks ago and every thing was going well, one lunch time I was just so fed up of lying that I told all my friends who were all shocked as hell but have said that im still me the same me I was before and that they were friend because of me being me!
Iv sort of had the “perfect come out” if there is one and have not yet come up against someone who has hated me for it….not to say I won’t but il tackle that when I come to it!!!
Well I think you should all know that I am so much happier now after coming out and that its like being free from a cage its really great, thank you for reading this and please remember that for every bad person that tries to put you down there’s always one who will help you back up!

Since I was about ten or eleven years old, I knew I was different from other boys. I never knew what it was that was different, but I knew I enjoyed girls company more - they talked about better things, I didn't like the sports/games they played - I'd rather sit and gossip, and there was just something more relaxing about girls company. I ignored it, figured I'd grow out of it in a few years.

When I was about 12 or 13, I started to find boys quite attractive. This scared the crap outta me, and I never said a word to anyone. I was terrified of what they'd think if I was one of those, you know, queers. I got myself a girlfriend and convinced myself that was what I wanted. That lasted a year and a half, somewhere in the middle of that coming out as bisexual with some of my friends, because I honestly believed I was.

After we split up, as most 14/15 year old couples do, I was single for a while. I kept trying to like girls, but it just didn't work for me. I got a boyfriend, and it just seemed to fit. Everything fell into place. I realised I was totally gay, and cried. I cried for so many reasons, I was scared of what others would say, I was shocked - I always thought I'd be 'normal', I was depressed because I thought it meant my life was over, gay people don't live happily ever after. I talked to an online friend who lived on a whole other continent, because I felt they could be trusted - no mutual friends and it's not like I had to see them at school/work every day. They were so ok with it I cried. I felt so accepted and normal. I began to feel that maybe I wasn't that much of a freak.
So I told some of my closest friends offline. Some were a bit weird, and took a while to get used to it, but came round eventually. One friend, when I told her I only liked boys said, and I quote, "Cool. Did you watch Friends last night? It was hilarious...." I just blinked. It was as if I'd told her I was wearing a blue jumper. It didn't bother her at all.

After I had a major party at my house, my parents started snooping around my room and stuff, and one day my mother found my diary. It said I was gay in it. That diary was the first place I'd ever actually said, "I'm gay." It seemed the hardest thing in the world to say. Before, I always said I liked boys, I didn't want a girlfriend, I'm not actually bisexual etc. It was easier. Well, she sat me down and said, "I've got something to ask you."

I freaked. I had no idea what she wanted to say. "I know your friend Isla likes boys and girls. Are you the same?" I shook my head, welling up with tears. "So you have a preference?" I nodded, tears streaming down my face by now. "Which?" I took a deep breath, and said the hardest thing I've ever had to say in my life.

"Boys."

Then the floodgates were opened. I couldn't stop crying. It was such a relief to tell her, but at the same time I was scared. Coming out to her was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But the hardest was coming out to myself.

--Liam x

I have just started to come out to my friends at work and have found it to be a very emotional time for me. 3 people now know after keeping it a secret that I was gay for 15 years, the funny thing was they suspected I was long ago but did not want to ask me. I cried in front of my boss after she spoke to me, but it was tears of happiness and relief that I had finally told someone after keeping it a secret for so long. There are people at work I would not tell, as I feel they would not handle it well, but most I think will be fine and ok with it. The 3 who know have been just wonderful, making me think, why did I not come out sooner. My parents will not take it so well, and as I still live at home, I will wait until I move out later this year or very early next year. I feel I can now breath and feel so liberated and free!! - I can now be myself for the first time in 15years!!!

So I did it, after a good few years spent in utter confusion, I'd decided enough was enough. Straight relationships where I wasn't nearly as emotionally or physically invested left me with some pretty deep-seated regrets and feelings of utter shame. Hours spent scribbling in my diary how tired I was of censoring everything, paranoid in case I was ever 'discovered'. Without meaning to come across completely sorry for myself, it all took its toll.

So I decided, it was time to stop the lies. Stop all the feelings of being completely out-of-place. Stop trying to force myself into the background, hoping nobody would notice me. I was going to do it, I was going to come out of the closet. So I did, gradually. I told a couple of my best friends, then a couple more, a few more found out through them, and it was all set in motion. I know I was lucky because in terms of people's responses, it was all relatively painless.

So that was it, I was out. Admittedly the whole school didn't know about it but the people I cared about did. I could finally live my life comfortably as a gay man and not try to conform to any norm or deceive myself into thinking I could 'turn' myself straight. This was it.

Weeks passed and the initial novelty wore off and the whole subject was thankfully left alone. I had naive ideas that perhaps me being the first person to actually come out in the year could inspire one of my friends to do the same. I wasn't interested in a relationship, I needed time on my own to sort things out in my own head first, and I didn't think it was fair to have a boyfriend without coming out to my parents first. Sadly, no-one said "me too" like I'd hoped. It got me to thinking, perhaps I really was the only one...

At first that idea was appealing, but after a while, it just ended up being lonely. I ended up having a stupidly huge crush on someone in my year. It was right around that time when i started questioning whether coming out had done me any good at all. I was feeling pretty low, thinking that I was being stupidly weak by letting a crush get me so down. It took me 11 months to get over it. While it seems a petty teenage crush, I sometimes look back over my diary entries and it makes me cry to think just how low and depressed I was. There was no-one else around that I could talk to. The few friends I confided in just laughed and teased me or made a blatant subject change because they had nothing to say on the subject.

So coming out had left me feeling more lonely than ever. I still have the label of being the openly gay boy in the year and i think in the school. But what good is that if you don't have someone else to share it all with, no-one that's in any position to give you any advice (with the exception of bgiok). This site helped me through some of the lowest points of my life. I realise now that I'm not the only one in the world who is gay, not the only one who feels like there's no-one that can possibly ever understand them, I think that's pretty much felt by everyone at some time in their lives. But ultimately, it would be nice to have that someone to say "me too".

There aren't any youth groups near me, and I guess I just don't feel comfortable with chatting online with people I don't know (there's that and paranoia again lol). But I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I've begun to stop resenting the fact that I've came out and started realising that it was a positive thing to go through. I didn't encounter any homophobia at all thinking back. I finally got the chance to be honest with who I am. I didn't have to be so shy and reserved and am now much more confident with the people around me. It has changed my life for the better. And so I don't have a boyfriend. I've stopped caring, I don't need a relationship so I can live without them for the moment. And while at times it does get lonely realising that I'm still the only one, I do have hope. I know that someday someone is going to say the words "me too" and at least I'll have someone who I can talk to and who I can help through this. Whenever I feel lonely now, I just concentrate on that thought, the idea that perhaps because I've been through this largely on my own, I can be there to help one of my friends if ever they fell they have to go through the same thing. For me, that's the ultimate reason for me to be proud that I took the plunge and shut the closet door behind me.

Sorry to have gone on for sooooo long, but there have been a lot of things which i have needed to get off my chest for a while. As a final thought though, I will say this. If you have come out and feel like you are the only one in the world who understands what it's like, remember that there are people out there who are going through exactly the same thing as you. They may be closer to you than you think, and although you may not have found them yet, they are out there somewhere. Nobody should feel completely alone forever and although I didn't used to believe this a couple of months ago, it does get better.

My names David, I’m 16 and I’ve recently come out to my family. I expected them to be hostile and angry with me but it was quite the reverse. I’ve known that I was gay as far back as 5 years old!!!! I now go to an all boy’s school and since then my life has become increasingly worse…

The biggest insults a school was the classic “queer” and “faggot” which were mainly directed towards me. I felt very alone and depressed and I felt that the way I was feeling was wrong. I started to harm myself and I contemplated suicide so many times that I’ve lost count. My parents were like “Look at that poof on TV Dave!” after which I would retire to my room and blast my brains with Judas Priest for several hours feeling guilty, upset and alone. I sought help in the form of a councilor at school, but I never really told her the “real” reason for my depression.

Recently things have changed for the better, in a very unexpected way! One of my friends Adam is so homophobic it’s unreal. Me and my friend Martin started to annoy him by hugging each other and kissing in a playful way (which disgusted him!!!). I had to ask Martin if he was gay. My friends are always around us so I wrote it on my hand. He said yes and even more astonishingly he said he loved me!!!! I was so happy I wanted to scream! After three years of torment I had now not only found a confidence but a boyfriend! I only wished he’d told me sooner!

We have now been going out for two months and we’re very happy. I know that many people feel uncomfortable about portraying their feelings in a public place, but I’ve decided that Martin and I are the only people that matter. We hold hands in the street and we kiss each other in the park which I think is really nice. I feel like I’m finally normal and that I can get on with my life for once. I’ve come to the point where I don’t care what other people think and I’ve contemplated coming out at school. If people can’t accept me for who I am then that shows how immature and ignorant they really are not what’s wrong with me!!!!!!

Well It was weird to say the least. I mean I've known since I was, well I don't even remember when I found out. Anyway not long ago I told both my parents. The trippy thang is that when I talked to my dad I could tell he thought it was a faze. That just surprised the f**k outta me. So I got in my car and drove to my boyfriend's house, we talked and I felt better. To make a long story short I went to my moms house (my parents are divorced if that doesn't make sense) and left her a note, the next day she said (and i quote) "I just want to confirm that i read your letter, We have much to talk about" I could tell she was trying very hard not to offend me. Then I just said "no we don't, that's just how it is" and she just smirked at me (Californians are spiteful people) and said "Fine i don't even care." And it was done.

Coming out for me was very slow at first, and it was only a few years ago that I told most people. I first realised that I liked the idea of being with a man at the tender age of 11. I didn't actually know what being gay was, and was therefore unaware of the prejudice I would face. The first person I came out to was a friend at school when I was in Year 9, and for a fair while, he was the only person I ever told, and I feared anyone else ever knowing. It was only 3 or 4 years ago that I finally told my parents. Being Christian, they were both a little upset and some things still aren't as easy as they could be, but am I glad I did tell them? Absolutely. My brother had already figured things out, but I wasn't to know this until several months later. Coming out is the best thing in the world. Yes, it is horribly scary, can even be risky but don't ever let that put you off. If you think you are at risk, make sure you have somewhere safe to go before you tell the person, but remember its your life and time isn't going to stop for you. At 21, I am now only starting to discover who I am, what my interests are, what my beliefs are etc., all things that my straight friends have already found out about themselves. Because I was in the closet, I couldn't relax and be myself, and therefore my growth as a person and individual was halted because it wasn't allowed free reign. If I'd known the reactions I've had now, I would have come out earlier, so if you think it'll be OK, then go for it, please!!

You can say that I have always known that I was gay from a very early age, boys in the pe changing rooms and all that, plus that fact that all of my friends in primary school were females bar one or two. So yes I knew I was gay from the start but never came out as being gay till I experienced the death of my mum when I was 17 years old., as you can expect it woke me up pretty badly in the area of 'lifes to kool to waste'. Well after that happened I became the person that I had always wanted to be - Stuart the gay man, and I'm happy to say that I'm now that person and very happy with him. I found that most of my friends loved the idea, including the ex girlfriend and college teachers. After leaving college I decided to take a few years out till going back to university and in that time I found a job in the Ku Bar in central London, if you have ever been there you know how kool it is and I had the honour of working there. I have made some of the best of friends there and thank god they were there to help me through the stages of 'becoming gay in life', thank god they were there to help me get over my first love too, an event which nearly killed me.

I hate to say it but the death of my mum gave me the ability to become the person I am now, a man I'm happy to be known as, I love my self and the life I am living now. Think that I have lost the plot in this story near the beginning so will let you decide.

In retrospect, I should've known all along that I was a poof. All the signs seemed to be neon and flashing: I was always best mates with the chicks of whatever new school my parents had plonked me in. As a kid, I loved to get up in my mum's gear for a good laugh, and still indulge in my moments of melodrama in the performing arts. I was never the sporty type, possessing the hand-eye coordination of your average shellfish. And ooh, ooh, I also had a lack of decent father figures! Doesn't that make for your typical teen poof requirements? Or was I just born into a life of made-for-TV-movie cliches?

Either way, it took a long time for everything to click, because despite my alleged status as an intellectual, I was quite the oblivious Brady child. I grew up in between various cities and towns in central China, and the first and only mention of homosexuality I encountered there was from a gossip session between my mother and one of her mates as I was heading off for bed. I remember drifting off to sleep trying to decipher this strange term that literally translates as "same-sex love"; but when morning came, I had shuffled the question into a closet wedged at the corners of my mind, too busy preparing for another round of "I'll touch yours if you touch mine" with the guys at kindy nap-time.

I moved to Australia in late 1994, when I was "eight-and-three-quarters", leaving behind a world of naïve wonder and domestic fury. A marriage and a baby later, my brand spanking new family shuttled between Sydney and Perth for my step-dad's job, before finally settling our sights on America. We emigrated in early 1996, and I found ample opportunity to perfect my blocky English as we toured southern cities like Atlanta, Greenville, and Savannah. By the time my "dad" invested in a laptop in January of 1997, I had discovered an avid love for reading and a knack for the English language, which enabled me to dive straight into the seedy underbelly of the Net and discover all those "silly" sites my parents had warned me away from. Even as I fulfilled my testosterone and gay porn quota, I never thought that I might not end up raising two to three kids and a dog with a nice girl in the suburbs; sure guys are hot, but doesn't everyone marry into heterosexual suburbia as some sort of established social ritual?

All through this time, I was never accused of being gay; quirky or odd, yes (depending on your level of tact), but never gay. There was that one time, my first day at school in Oz, when the two eight-year-old girls assigned to teach me simple phrases amused themselves by getting me to write, "My name is Philip and I am gay." Their giggling gave their game away - I was illiterate, but not dumb - and I copied the word "gay" into my palm, asking my desk buddy what it meant. He got a strange look and went over to have a chat with the teacher in regards to the two girls, leaving me to hyperventilate until I managed to bolt home after school and ask my mum (yes, I was a big-time mamma's boy). She laughed merrily and repeated that same phrase which I had heard years ago, but it wasn't enough for me; I pulled out my Chinese-English dictionary and looked it up: the dictionary only mimicked my mum.

In America, I hung in-between the popular guys' group, which sympathised for the culturally-illiterate Chinese kid, and the quirky loners, who found me oddly endearing. I was still too self-aware to fully trust the intentions of the former group, but fraternising with the latter complemented what I had already learnt from my mum, about valuing your own self-worth and understanding what's important, bugger what anyone else thinks. So I held my head high and ignored the titters at my numerous social faux passes, learning to close out the world more with each day. Mixed with this was a growing sense of self-consciousness and awareness of social mores - I may not have been Rambo material, but gone were the days where I would happily allow teachers to cast me as the female lead in primary school theatre productions.

Despite that, however, my acculturation process was taking far too long for my liking, and I became sullen and withdrawn, obsessed with my own social inadequacies and my status as a fish out of water, caught between wanting to grow and being unable to leave behind the past - the only solid ground in my family's constant travels. In mid-1997, I returned to Oz in a calm of depression and insinuated myself into the oddball group at my new suburban Melbourne school, which quickly replaced my gloom with anime-nerdism and quirky banters. I continued to segregate my browsing of hot men and my expectations of a hetero future, never even questioning whether I needed to confront myself; as they say, denial works in mysterious ways, although for me, it probably was unadulterated obliviousness.

This routine continued until one afternoon in late 1999, when - after a further relocation to Sydney - my mum walked in on me checking out a badly doctored pic of a very nude Jean Claude van Damme. I didn't even like the guy's movies that much, but on no, mum wouldn't listen - she freaked, big time. Now while we make our way to the scene when my dad comes home to a hysterical wife, allow me to declare that my childhood bond with my mum had long began to tear - whether by my complete submersion in a culture that she could not understand or by some adolescent phenomenon - so a lack of clichéd Hallmark sentiments was understandable. I knew I was in trouble, but by god, I didn't expect so much ear-splitting wailing and thinly-veiled homophobia passing as reasoned discussion (mum and dad respectively). So began the precedence for my family feuds - or at least it seems that way - and I stormed off to bed, vowing to talk to some understanding soul the next day, lest my heart should burst.

I escaped home early the next day, despite that morning's teachers' strike. I suffered through a whole morning of boredom, stuck in a classroom with two friends-of-friends' - one chubby guy in need of a good shave and the school's confirmed peroxide poof, neither of whom I felt like sharing much with. So with my trusty sense of time management, I cornered my best straight-female-friend (who was my girlfriend-in-waiting at the time, according to the rest of the student body) at the end of lunch, with not a word planned. After a few impatient threats from her, I finally burst out with, "Imagine we're in 'Dawson's Creek' - you're Joey, and I'm, um, Jack. By the way, did you know we're late for a math test? Gotta run!"

Things kind of went from there: First my best guy mates (the three stooges, as I know them) burst out laughing at my desperate attempt to disperse those rumours of engagement plans with my best straight-female-friend. Then after I convinced them that it was for real, they told everyone because they found it amusingly harmless and goss-worthy (whoever says men don't gossip is full of it). Then the tiny, claustrophobic school became the site of regular rounds of Twenty Questions from curious 14-year-olds and the on-going taunts of my year's homophobic ruling elite and their groupies.

To make matters worse, I had booked myself into an intense puppy love obsession with one of the boys-next-door in my year. Thank god then, that I had my mates, who - though they were somewhat scared to take a stand - ultimately backed me up. It was with a mixture of sadness and relief then, when my parents announced another move across the city, which would require a transfer to a more geographically-convenient school. I made new friends here, began to become more critical and self-aware, and this time - though it was still difficult - the coming-out routine worked much better. Most of my grade barely batted an eye. Some of my new mates staring up from their greasy, canteen-bought lunches with, "You're having a melodramatic speech moment because…?" or "Oh, we already knew - we were just waiting for you to come to terms with it."

I was elated, and what few murmurs of discontentment with a fag among the ranks were either ignored or squashed by the sheer power of peer pressure. Life was great - I finally felt like I belonged somewhere, not because of my peers' acceptance of my homo-status, but because I finally understood where I fitted in the big social picture, with a map to the top in my hand; I felt like the king of the world.

Then one day, as I flirted with my long-time hetero-mate-crush, I was dragged down to the school counsellor's. Apparently I was making headlines in the teachers' lounge after my attempt to start a GLBT youth club at school, and there were a few concerned staff members who wanted to make sure that I was "comfortable with my sexuality". I ended up avoiding a rather dull English lesson, had a great chat with the counsellor, and got the number of a local gay youth club. Once again I'll interrupt the chronology to divulge that though I'd been out for over a year at this time, and have been hot and bothered about guys since kindy, I'd somehow failed to start looking for other gay kids, preferring to sit on my arse and whinge about my latest hetero crush with my mates. So number in hand, I decide to head off to the club, which shall remain nameless, because after a few visits, I began to realise that it was just a rather dull biweekly meeting of mostly 20somethings. At this point, school, friends, family, work, air force cadets and community commitments began taking up all of my time; thus I ended my forays into the gay youth scene, which seemed to consist of one too many bottle-blond himbo / overtly-camp manwhore clichés anyway.

My attitude was that life was good the way it was, so why try to seek out the infamous Scene when I can be with my mates, regardless of their sexuality? I think I pushed this argument for too long though, and in part, I was just nervous about diving into what seemed a new world of new rules and codes. I walked to the beat of my own drum, but it was always to the faint background noises of, "I'll make an effort to meet interesting non-hetero people one of these days." I was mostly content, but a part of me still needed more affirmation that I wasn't fighting some big social crusade all by myself; that sometimes it's not about politics and taking a stand. I needed to know that there are people who are like my mates, who I can chill with - only gay. But one thing or other would always turn up when I had plans to visit gay youth venues or events. The most thrilling thing that I managed was to drip an over-priced snow cone on my T-shirt as I got bored at the Mardi Gras' Fair Day, with all my mates unable to or uninterested in tagging along. At least that was how life went back in early 2002.

And now? Now, I've moved yet again - this time for a year-long hiatus in Saudi Arabia, all the way across the Indian Ocean and the Persian Gulf. While chatting online recently, an old mate from Sydney came out to me and recommended a little site called Mogenic <www.mogenic.com>, something I had obviously failed to find in my previous once-overs at bland gay youth sites whinging about the traumas of being a newbie closet case. My discovery of this new breed of cool gay youth sites has since expanded to include bgiok, AlterHéros <www.alterheros.com> and the QueerYouth boards <www.queeryouth.org.uk>. I've been meeting lots of interesting people, and they're just as quirky, irreverent, "normal", and - dare I use 70's slang? - groovy as my mates in America, Oz and now Saudi.

The path before me stretches in many directions, each begging to be explored. I don't know if I'll remain in Saudi, return to Oz, or relocate elsewhere; I don't know what marks I'll get for my Year 12 finals, what university I'll attend, or even what career I'll choose; I don't know what will be. But wherever I go, whatever happens, experience tells me that new journeys and adventures await around each and every corner. And as long as I know who I am, what I'm worth - as long as I have hope - I'll be okay.

I started out a happy-go-lucky kid with a Pollyanna outlook on life, morphed into a sullen, misunderstood genius/geek, and am now a strange hybrid of attention-seeking egotist and brooding romantic. I have experienced and grown more than my childhood alter ego could have ever imagined; but like him, I'm still wide-eyed at the wonders of this life - reaching for those lucky stars, chasing my dreams, and falling in love with my family all over again. Yep, things seem to have come a somewhat loosely-defined circle - and I couldn't be happier.

Hey Jason I check out your site regularly and i think it's great what u do I wanted to share my coming out story with you

right im am a 17 year lesbian and first brought it to the front of my mind when I was around 14 years old i had incredibly strong feeling for another girl in some of my classes I didn't know what to think I have nether felt like this before for any of my boyfriends ever, she made to go weak I had butterflies in my stomach every time i saw her.

Anyways I was out one night with one of my friends drinking then out of no were we just ended up kissing things went fetherand to cut a very long story short we ended we ended up dating for 2years we are still friends now, but she decided that other women was just not for her. From that point onwards I started to get really confused and upset about the whole idea of being gay I have always sum one else to talk to about my problems and share them with then suddenly I was on my own my feelings for other females had just stronger loads of things were running though my mind especially the worry about not having children as I love them, I was ashamed of my self and worried about what other people would think of me people started to notice that I wasn't dating anymore so i started again but id just sleep with the lads hoping that they would go away after it usually worked I started brother o the girl that I used to admire at school the usually sleep with them then they go away didn't work he really cared fro me but the feeling wasn't mutual I loved him as a friend I buckted up my courage and told him the truth he was very sweet and said u and mi sister would make a good couple and laughs.

Couldn't believe it Amy was also feeling the same as me over time we got closer and ended up in a relationship.

ino longer doubted the fact that I was a lesbian and began to come to terms with the fact but I wasn't ready to come out

I keep asking my self what if im not a lesbian and its just her that makes, me feel this way, if I tell people I then I change my mind, what if ? I just kept on questioning my self ,

Anyways me and Amy just wasn't meant to be but we are great friends been single for a while now its made me realize the real truth and what I really am

Its not easy coming to turns with who and what u are but once u do it felt great and im now proud to say im a lesabin

We went out a while ago and One friend asked me if I was lesbian and I just answered yes I couldn't believe what I had just said i felt quite scared but excited and proud, to my surprise she just smiled and said thought so and then just carried on with the conversation we were perversely having I couldn't believe it ,all that worry for nothing to be honest i actually wanted to talk about it after that but didn't say so.

if am at sixth form studding health and social care and we got on talking about homophobia these girls started to be bitchers saying that they don't like lesbians but don't mind gays it didn't bother me because everyone in entitled to their own opinion but they stared to get really harsh i shouted it out about me in an argument (not the perfect way to come out I know ) I got really up set they came over apologized and told me that they didn't have a problem with homosexuals they did but I was surprised o find out that i didn't care what other people thought about me im me and my sexually doesn't change im still the same person im still me i didn't tell people that i wasn't close to because i didn't fell the need for them to now.

But my parents ere another thing I was really thought they were homophobic I was terrified to tell them but really wanted to tell my mum I was fed up of lying and covering up.

At work one day one of my mums mates asked me and I told the truth the next day it was all around work I had no choice i had to tell mi mum before someone else did I went home from work followed her around like I usually do when I have got something I wont to tell her then i just spat it out "mum im a lesbian she just shrugged her shoulders and said so what and gave me a love, I couldn't believe it it couldn't be a s easy as that leave it a week I though to sink in then shell say something to me she just said u love children I said mum i still want children im just going to take it one day at a time im fed up of worrying i won't a break she just laughed and that was it all that worry confusion for nothing now im a out and proud lesbian with great plans for the future sorry for blabbering on

Thanks for reading and I hope other people experience is a easy as mine and remember coming out can be a little exciting as well