Problem page archive entries: January 2013

Name [Tom] Age [20] Gender [M]

Hi Jason,

My name is Tom. I'm 20 and I first found this website when I was about 15, I got in contact with you then and while your advice was very helpful I was very confused and live in a town that is very against gay people and because of my problems I basically ended up putting this issue out of my mind and trying to forget about it. I have recently found a guy who I have been friends with for a few years, we talked about how we both have feelings towards men and each other, we kissed and laughed and had a great night, the only problem being that after this night things have been a bit awkward, we haven't spoken much and when we have he seems to be avoiding the subject of that night. I could really use a bit of advice or help as my parents and friends still have no idea that I'm bisexual, I appreciate you will be quite busy and this isn't exactly an urgent matter but if you could just just take a couple of minutes to be as helpful to me as you were years ago I would be very happy.

Many thanks,

Tom

Reply

Hi Tom,

Thank you for your message. I'm glad my advice helped you in the past.

I suspect that this guy isn't as comfortable with his sexuality as you and he may be afraid of other people finding out. It's a real shame, but you can't hurry someone along the path to self acceptance; it's something he'll have to work through on his own.

You shared a good night together, filled with honesty and a degree of intimacy, only to be given a chilly reception since. It's not fair on you to be treated this way, and it's okay to look out for yourself. He may be scared or not ready to come out as someone who likes guys but that's no excuse for not explaining that to you and making sure you didn't feel bad. This is about his issues - not yours.

By all means, let him know that you had a good time that night and would like to do it again. Let him know he has a friend in you and that he can trust you. You're not going to tell anyone and you're there if he wants someone to talk to.

But don't fall into a habit of having these occasional intimite nights together only for it to be an uncomfortable secret the next day. It's not what good friendships are made of and it's not a good basis for a romantic relationship.

Name [Jessica] Age [22] Gender [F]

Hi Jason,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years and I am extremely happy with our relationship. I consider him to be my best friend and am still very much romantically attracted to him. However, in the past couple months I have finally become certain that I am also very much attracted to women. It is something I've wondered about for a long time but am just now sure of it.

Since my boyfriend and I have been dating and monogamous since we were 18, I never experimented with women and have come to the conclusion that I'm bisexual without any actual sexual experience. Although I would love to have sexual experience with women, I am deeply committed to my boyfriend and don't want to compromise our relationship. I guess I just feel like I want to tell him that I am bisexual because I feel very uncomfortable hiding something so important about myself from someone I'm so close to. I haven't told anyone else about this and I just would really appreciate some advice on how to tell my boyfriend about this. Should I share it with someone else (e.g. friend, mom etc) first? My boyfriend, close friends and parents all very accepting of LGBT people. I just feel incredibly uncomfortable approaching the subject when I'm in this serious relationship.

Thanks so much,

Jessica

Reply

Hi Jessica,

It may send some people into panic to discover that their partner is bisexual, but the reality is that simply because someone is attracted to both sexes doesn't mean that they can't be happy, satisfied and monogamous in their current relationship. Being attracted to women as well as men doesn't mean you can't be happy with your boyfriend. Merely letting people know that you are bisexual is not a statement of your desire to stray. It's not quite the same, but it is similar to a heterosexual woman in a heterosexual relationship admitting that she finds other men attractive. So what? Most of us, even when very happy with our partners, notice other attractive people. It's not disloyal or a precursor to adultery, it's simply human and natural. So you notice women - your boyfriend likely does too! Of course you know all this, but it may be useful to stress it to those you come out to, if the need arises. People aren't always as open-minded and broad in thinking as we'd like so be calm and patient in the face of the odd silly misconception.

It's of course important to you to be open and honest with the closest person/people to you and it's understandable that you might feel somewhat deceptive by keeping your sexuality hidden. I think an important part of coming out would be to reassure your partner that you love and fancy him and that your coming out isn't about losing interest in what you have. I can't predict how anyone will react to the coming out of a loved one but, in theory, nothing need change for you and your relationship apart from a sense of relief and peace that comes from being honest and sharing yourself totally with the man you love. To keep the news hidden is no big betrayal, since you are happy with your boyfriend and liking girls doesn't change what you have, but it's clear that you want to be open about it. It seems a healthy attitude to have and means it won't come back to haunt you later on.

I do have to play devil's advocate for a moment though and prompt you to ask yourself whether you are completely happy and if you're okay with your sexual desires and curiosities toward women going unsatisfied for life, assuming things work out with your man and you grow old together. Bisexuality doesn't mean you're any less capable of a loving and monogamous relationship as anyone else, but it does raise issues if you feel frustrated and limited. You may be happy enough to leave that side of yourself unsated. Just be sure to be honest with yourself about what you want and what you are comfortable sacrificing.

Name [Darren] Age [19] Gender [M]

Hi Jason,

Where to start.... Well To be honest I stumbled onto this page and im glad I did this will let me get some things off my chest.

I'm quite a shy guy. Which makes it very hard for me to talk to people about this. I feel attracted to older men like 40 plus. Im not sure why this is and it worries me greatly. I feel more connected to them in a way I never feel with guys my own age. If that makes any sense.

There is a certain older man I cant seem to stop thinking about. One of my Lecturers in fact. From the day I seen him I was attracted to him, this made a very uncomfortable situation for me.. like I said im very shy at the best of times.. so over the two years with him being my lecturer I began to get closer and closer to him. In a friendship way we had a lot of problems but we supported each other through it. Now I have finished the course I continue to speak with this Man. My feelings for him are still there and to be honest there has been times where I know for definite that he likes me.. I may of been getting ahead of myself but im certain there is something there. His flirting with me, body language and even the way we spoke when it was just us two.

Am I just swept of my feet with a crush or does this sound like I actually have feeling for him. The main problems are he doesn't know i'm gay, he is 40 years older than me, he is married and he has children who are 10 - 15 years older than me. But I think he could be a closeted gay as growing up in a time where being gay was frowned on he married and had kids sort of thing. But this is all assuming as i'd be too scared to even bring that type of thing up with him.

I would like to know if I should tell him straight I like him or not.. We became so close over this year especially and I don't want to lose him.

I hope you can help.

Reply

Hi Darren,

It's a shame that you haven't felt able to come out to this chap, though you say you are close friends. Why do you think that is?

Not all universities have a policy on student-teacher romantic relationships, but obviously it is a potentially contentious issue if it's felt there is a conflict of interests i.e. a student sleeping with a tutor in order to secure better grades, or a tutor using his or her position to pressure students into sex. But you're not breaking any laws if you were to become a couple; you're both adults, and it sounds as though you may no longer be studying at the institution where you met anyway.

The age difference is your business. It's unusual to see a couple of any gender mix with 40 years between them and I'd be lying if I said nobody will take notice or pass comment. What matters is how two people feel about each other. If there's an attraction - a connection - then I don't see what relevance age has.

Before you worry about logistics you need to know if this man is even interested in you romantically. You're going to have to be a lot more direct with him if you're going to get anywhere. Clearly the truth isn't going to come out without a more proactive and forthcoming approach, since you say you are already friends and it sounds as if you've spent some time together. Perhaps it's not just you who is shy and you might have to be the brave one in order to get things moving.

Coming out to him may be adequate encouragement for him to be more open with you. Of course there may be nothing for him to confess and you should prepare yourself for that possibility too.

There's no more advice I can give you, and you could end up speculating forever if you don't push yourself a little bit. Coming out to this man may be no more than a gesture of openness and honesty that strengthens the friendship, or it could be the beginning of much more. Only one way to find out.

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