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heya my name is chantell and i am 15 years old i still go to school i have had sex with my girlfriend i have been with for a while now (12 months) and i really love her it was our first time for both of us but when we got into it was ok we haven’t done it since

but now i think i have feelings for my best friend sam i have known her since i was seven i have never seen someone so nice before she makes me want to touch myself when i am next to her she fell asleep and i felt myself ontop of her and then things sort of developed from there i dont think that she has feelings for me and we haven’t talked since that night and all i can do is think about her i try and look at her but she wont have eye contact with me now when i am drunk i through myself onto her and she just pushes me away i just want to rip open her pants and well you know maybe i should become bisexual what do you think please write back because i really need answers to my problems

chantell xx

Hi Chantell,

Remember that sex between anyone under 16 is illegal in the United Kingdom.

Now, you can’t simply decide to become bisexual. I think you have enough to think about with girls at the moment J

Sexual feelings are very powerful and it’s easy to get swept away by them, even when our rational selves know we should be more cautious. Starting sexual activity with someone who is asleep is just not right, Chantell, and it’s certainly not the way to woo a potential girlfriend. I expect Sam is very embarrassed about the whole thing and needs time to decide how you fit (or possibly don’t) into her life now this has happened. Even if she woke up and allowed things to continue, she may well be at a different stage in her acceptance of her sexuality than you are, and she’s just not ready to be openly gay or bisexual and to consider a same-sex relationship. I think you should give her space and just be a little less pushy. You could send her an email and let her know how you’re feeling. That way, you get your point across but don’t put her under the pressure she feels when she sees you face-to-face.

You need to decide whether you want to be with your girlfriend or not. It’s not fair to stay with someone just because you can’t have Sam. It would be better to be single and eventually meet someone who you truly want to be with. Give the relationship some serious consideration and think about what you really want.

Hi Jason,

I've been very depressed lately, last year, me and my x Tom split due to circumstances on his behalf, the thing is i still love him but i cant trust him anymore. We've been together for 2 years and when were together we're like Beethoven's Violin Concerto.

If i ask my heart what i want then it's him, but my friends and my head tell me not to trust him, i'm so confused, i've tried to date again but i always say i'm taken. What's up with me?

Can you help?

Hi Xander,

It’s not clear from your email whether you and Tom are currently together. You say you broke up, and then say you’ve been together for two years, and then talk about dating! So I’ll do my best.

It’s always really hard to move on when we’ve been so close to someone. When we are in love and trust someone, we share all sorts of things that we wouldn’t usually share and reveal parts of ourselves (emotionally and physically) that are very private. We make ourselves deeply vulnerable. But in order to have a really good relationship you have to give yourself like this, and not hold back. But of course, it hurts like hell when it turns out that our love and trust may have been misplaced, not truly reciprocated, or that the things we shared weren’t appreciated as we thought they were. I don’t know why Tom broke things off, but I might guess that he cheated on you or did something to make you feel you can’t trust him. In order for you and him to get back together, you have to believe – as much as is possible – that he has changed and won’t repeat his mistakes. You have to accept his apology, and then give your all to the relationship. If you are watching his every move, are suspicious and scared, then it’s not good for you to be with him and the relationship would fail. Of course you will have your doubts and pangs of worry, and it’s his job to reassure you. If he wants you back, then he has some work to do. If he’s not up to it, then he’s not the one for you.

If you are not thinking of getting back together with Tom, then I think you should avoid dating at the moment. You’re not over Tom, and all the time you’re thinking about him then no guy – no matter how amazing – is going to win you over. Be single for a while, have fun with friends and do the things you like to do. Get back to Xander, and what makes him tick. Once you have moved on a little emotionally from Tom, then you will be able to welcome a new man into your life and give a new relationship the energy and enthusiasm it deserves. It’s important to give every new man a clean slate and not assume they will behave the same way as Tom. Don’t sabotage future happiness because of the mistakes of one partner.

Hi

Im not out of the closet, not even to my closest friends. Im 99% sure that im gay but i don’t want to come to the point of realisation.  I dont want to throw away the chance of having a kid when im older.  I want to be a dad but gay dads kids always get bullied so it would be unfair on the chid.

I haven’t got a dad, never had, so if i came out to my sister and my mum it would be simple coz i know they would love me still, but im still too scared.  Same goes to my friends, one of them (a girl) slipped me a note in a pocket saying that she thinks i am gay and will support me.  When she asked if i got the note i said my jeans accidently went in the wash before i read it, obviously i read it and thought that i should tell her but whenever i get the chance to i shy out of it...help

Hi Mitch,

It sounds like you have a supportive friend there, just waiting for the chance to listen and help you. She knows how hard it can be to come out, and thoughtfully passed a note to make it easier on you. She’s clearly not the type of person to shout delicate information from the hilltops. Go on, tell her that you are gay. I’m sure she will understand why you initially said the note had been destroyed. Having someone to talk to about all this stuff will make you feel so much better and help clarify your thoughts and what you want to do.

It also sounds as though you already know your family will be fine with the news. Perhaps once you have gained a little courage from coming out to your friend then it’s time to take the next step and tell your Mum and Sis. You’d then have a lovely support network, people to talk to and share your troubles with, not to mention people to be happy for you when you meet someone.

You won’t throw away the chance of being a Dad by admitting that you are gay. The chance of having your own children biologically is gone, unless you donate your sperm, but the chance of being a father is still there. Things are changing and the idea of having same-sex parents is more common. There’s no reason why you and a partner couldn’t foster or adopt within a stable and loving relationship. You can’t simply decide not to admit you are gay and then fool some poor girl into thinking you’re straight and bearing a child to you – you have to be realistic about who you and what that means. Beside the children thing, there’s nothing you can’t have with a man that you could have with a woman, so it’s important not to see being gay as a poor second. The feelings are the same, the sex is still great, you can still couple up and walk into the sunset.

Hey, i don’t know if this one is as important as other people but i think i may be "Bisexual" but im afraid to tell anyone, i don’t think my friends would even speak to me anymore, im not really sure what to say but it feels like im the only one out there.. I seen this page and i know that is not the case but still feeling helpless, and angry because my family is really against it.. but maybe its just a phase or something most teens go through.

Hi Colin,

A lot of people talk about ‘phases’ that teenagers go through, and it’s seems to be the standard agony aunt reply to anyone confused about their sexuality. It’s true that a lot of people have had same-sex experiences in their youth, and not all of these people go on to identify themselves as gay or bisexual. But you often find that people in their mid-teens who experience same-sex attraction will feel this way throughout their lives. A lot of people know that they are gay or bi from a young age, but get confused because they are told it’s a passing phase. So you end up with lots of 18 year olds waiting for their homosexuality or bisexuality to evaporate overnight. It just doesn’t happen.

A healthier approach to sexuality is to deal with how you feel today, how you can come to terms with it and make the best of the situation. If you really feel that your family and friends will be hostile, then don’t tell them. Coming out is entirely down to you: how you do it, when you do it and even whether you want to do it at all. But do have a careful think about the people around you: perhaps there’s a friend or relative who has been more open minded and supportive in the past. Or perhaps there’s a school/college counsellor or someone else you could talk to. It’s sometimes easier to talk to someone who isn’t in your immediate circle of friends and won’t discuss matters outside of your conversations.

Is there someone you like who you want a relationship with, male or female? Is this something you could explore? Think about what it is you want and how you might make that happen. Perhaps you don’t want to get into anything with anyone right now, and that’s okay too. It’s not a written rule that any teenager must be running around with boyfriends and girlfriends, so do things at your own pace.

Please check out the forum on this site where you can chat to other under 25s who are in a similar situation to yourself. It offers a way of talking about how you feel without coming out to those around you.