Problem page archive: April 2009

Hi Alun,

It’s not stalkerish to like someone a lot, and often these feelings seem to be more intense when you know you can’t be together. But that’s the bottom line here: you can’t be together. I know it’s tough when you like someone who isn’t interested back, but it’s part of life. It’s not just a gay problem either; a lot of straight and gay people will experience feelings for someone who simply isn’t interested in that way. In your case, falling for straight guys will always take you to the same place, where you’re feeling fed up and lonely. You need to meet other gay guys. If part of your social life exposes you to other gay people, there’s more likelihood of you meeting someone who is interested in you too.

Does the uni have an LGB (lesbian/gay/bisexual) group? Do you know any gay people you could spend time with? Have you looked at the students’ union website and forums – perhaps there’s a LGB section there where you could chat and make connections. Have you tried meeting local guys through a website like www.outintheuk.com?

Meeting other gay people doesn’t automatically mean you’ll find a partner, but it raises the chances significantly. It tends to be that you’ll meet more people through people, after you get the ball rolling. Be wary of latching onto the first gay guy who comes along and seems okay. It’s a mistake a lot of gay people make. Try to hold back a little and get involved only if you’re genuinely interested in that person, and not because you’re lonely or looking for a way to get over a straight friend.

Expanding your social network will mean a more balanced outlook, and the ability to enjoy the friendships with your straight housemates without the intensity of romantic feelings getting in the way. Remember, friendship with these guys isn’t a dodgy runner-up prize to a relationship – it’s a wonderful thing that you can carry on enjoying. It sounds like they’re a nice bunch of lads who accept you, so focus on what they offer and not what they can’t.

Hi Amber,

The simply – and sad - fact is that you can’t force someone to see things from your point of view, even if your point of view is the right one.

You know that being gay is a part of you and that it is neither good nor bad – it just is. You know that you can’t change and shouldn’t have to. You know that loving a same-sex partner is a wonderful thing and no better or worse than loving an opposite-sex partner. But by certain religious beliefs, same-sex relationships are seen as wrong.

As far as your parents are concerned, they are being asked to make a choice: embrace all aspects of their daughter, including her sexuality, or stick to their traditional beliefs, even the anti-gay ones. Also, beliefs and traditions are hard to alter, even as the world around us adjusts and shifts with time.

You have told your parents how you feel and they have done the same back, so you’re in a bit of a stalemate. I’d suggest that you don’t push this topic with them any further at the moment. I think the next time it needs to be raised is when you find a partner that you want to commit to, and perhaps live with. At the moment your being gay is a bit of an abstract concept for your parents. Here’s their daughter telling them something big, but she doesn’t look any different, and nothing’s really changed - what does it all really mean? Living with a partner makes the whole thing suddenly vivid and real and may well kick start some changes of attitude from your parents. I’m not suggesting you should rush out and start home-hunting with someone you barely know. Just live your life and see what happens. There will come a time when your sexuality will be something they can’t ignore, but in the meantime don’t waste time trying to make your parents see sense. Don’t let their outdated views hold you back from enjoying your life.

Hi Tom,

It’s important not to compare yourself to your brother and use him as a measure of how good or bad, successful or unsuccessful you are. We’re all different from each other. It sounds to me like you’re a very sensitive, thoughtful guy who has experiences some hurt and disappointment and you’ve handled this in your own way, while I’m sure your brother has had different experiences and handled them in a way that felt right to him. If you can break this feeling of being not as good as other people, and beating yourself up for feeling a certain way, then you’ll be in a good position to really start moving forward and improving your life.

I’m sure your brother hasn’t had a smooth ride all his life, so why not speak to him and ask how he’s handled the bad times? Ask how he found his confidence; learn from him rather than feel inferior to him. It might inspire you or make you look at things differently.

If you were working your confidence and sense of self worth would improve. Are you having no luck getting a job or are you not looking? What about doing some voluntary work while you’re unemployed? You’ll meet new people and make connections, which at the very least will make you feel happier and more confident, and may even lead to paid employment or other paths that you hadn’t even considered. Why not go back into education to improve your employability? Study something that interests you, and you’ll meet other people who feel the same. You might decide not to study full time, but perhaps do a correspondence course which would allow you to study from home, while perhaps working part-time. Check out the Open University and Learn Direct websites for ideas.

If you feel friends have let you down, spend time with those you know you can trust instead, or branch out and expand your social network. Dust off those old phone numbers and get in touch with friends you haven’t seen for a while. Go out and enjoy yourself – take your mind off your worries. You don’t have to get drunk to enjoy yourself. Friends are more likely to be able to help you if you’re sober.

I do think the best place to start is by working on yourself. Once you feel happier with your life in general, then you’ll be in a healthier position to make decisions about your love and sex life.

Hi Ralf,

It’s really sad that your mum – even before you come out – is warning you of her feelings about gay people and how she’d behave if you turned out to be gay. It sounds like you live in a home that’s very hostile to gay people. I think perhaps that deep down your mum suspects that you may be gay, which is why she made that horrible threat in the first place. By voicing her worries in this way she’s attempting to ward them off, like someone who’s seen something that upsets them but closes their eyes and pretends it isn’t there. If your mum said this to you in general conversation, that’s harder for me to understand and would seem to mean that homosexuality bothers her enough that it’s on her mind quite often – which is a bit odd, to be honest with you.

I don’t think you should come out at the moment. I think you should wait until you are independent. This means you have your own money and somewhere else to live. I’m not suggesting you rush out on your own or turn your back on the family – not at all. But I am saying that I think coming out while you need the support of your family is risky. If your mum is going to react in a hostile way, this will create problems for you. A lot of people choose to wait to come out until they are independent. This means that if coming out doesn’t go very well and your family react badly, then you have a safe environment to return to and you aren’t worried about not having any money.

I know it’s sad that you have to consider these things, but it seems sensible in your situation. Your mum has left little doubt about how she’ll behave if you come out. If you want to come out to your family, you have no choice but to take her words seriously and to protect yourself by doing it only once you are independent. This doesn’t mean you can’t come out to friends though and start to build a life as an out gay man.

Hi Miles,

It sounds as though you have a similar problem to Ralf, in that I think your mother suspects that you are gay and is trying to address it in quite a confrontational and even hostile way, no doubt hoping that she’ll somehow make a problem for her go away. In both cases, it’s your parent who has the issues here, not you: you haven’t done anything wrong. You are trying to be happy and enjoy your life in an environment that is intolerant to homosexuality. This is making you feel depressed and unsure how things can improve.

Again, in your case I would suggest that you don’t come out at this time. There is evidence here to strongly suggest that life would become harder if those around you knew that you are gay. Not coming out doesn’t mean you have to be unhappy. You know inside that you are okay, that being gay is okay, and that life won’t always be like this. You won’t always be 14 and reliant on your family. You can break away and build a life of your own. This doesn’t mean that you should run away once you are a little older, but if does mean that with age comes independence and power. You can move away from the clan lifestyle if it isn’t compatible with who you are, have your own home and money and the freedom to have a partner, and the control over how much contact you have with the clan and what information you give it about your life.

Make plans for the future and think beyond the problems of today. They’ll become obsolete far sooner than it might feel right now. What do you want to be? Where do you want to go? What hobbies and interests would you like to explore further? Any talents you want to make a career from? What college or university appeal to you? What sort of people do you want to meet? What sort of partner do you imagine being happy with?

The hardest thing is to be yourself and stand up in the face of criticism, but it’s an enriching thing to do. So what if people don’t like Sonic and you do? You carry on enjoying the things you like and tell people to mind their own business. We’re all different and like different things. To be happy we have to be strong enough to do what we want and follow our own dreams and plans, even when other people are critical or negative about them. You can practice being assertive and more confident starting today, without having to come out.

I think my mental health section will help you to feel more positive, and my religion page might interest you too.

Be strong, Miles, and find strength in your plans for the future.

Hi Chris,

Your problem isn’t that uncommon, and people use various ways of hiding their sexuality. However, anyone who reads regularly will know I tend to give a hard time to people who use others to hide their sexuality i.e. by having a girlfriend. It’s very unfair to mislead someone into thinking you are interested in them when you’re not. Even though I understand why you did it, you could really have hurt this girl if she’d likes you too.

Anyway, looking to the future, I don’t think she’ll think you’re weird. If your friendship is good, I’m sure she can understand the fears behind your actions and forgive them. It sounds to me as though she might find out eventually anyway, since you’ve told all your other friends. I think it’s best to take a deep breath, be brave, and tell her before she hears it on the grapevine and is offended that you didn’t feel she was trustworthy enough or close to you enough to hear the news direct.

Hi Iain,

You are certainly a real worrier and I think you need to work on calming down a bit and looking at things in a very rational way with a calmer head on. Some people are just worriers by nature or prone to anxiety, but this doesn’t mean you have to lead the life of a stresshead!

Let’s talk about your Mum. You’re really worried about coming out to her, but you haven’t really given me any evidence here to suggest she’ll react badly. She’s already seen texts from a guy to you and even though you told her it didn’t mean anything, she no doubt has her suspicions that her son is gay. Has she behaved any differently since that incident? Think about it for a moment: what real evidence do you have to support the idea that she’ll react badly to your coming out and even stop loving you? Is she openly homophobic? Does she say horrible things about gay people? What kind of Mum is she? Is she loving and supportive? You may find that you are creating issues to worry about, when the actual truth of the matter is much easier to deal with.

Stress, worry and anxiety affects people in different ways. I used to overeat or avoid food altogether when I was unhappy, while some people find it hard to sleep or even develop illness as a result of stress. It’s a good idea to look at your lifestyle. Make sure you get enough sleep, eat the meals prepared for you and not more (though healthy snacks like fruit between meals is fine), make sure you always have something for breakfast (never skip it!), and get some exercise (even just going for a walk regularly is very good for you). Unwind with a book or hobby. This takes your mind off your worries and gives your head a rest. Spend time with friends and have fun. If you find yourself worrying about things, make sure you take a step back and look at the reality of the thing you’re worrying about. Is it really the end of the world? What evidence do you have to support your worries? Are you creating worries for yourself? Try to react to things that happen, and not react to things you worry might happen. Be kinder to yourself and try to relax.

It sounds like you already have, but read my mental health section. I also think my coming out section will help you decide how to approach coming out to your Mum.

Hi Billy,

Your situation is shared by many and I know it’s really hard.

People often user terms like “That’s so gay” here in the UK too, and I don’t think most of the time it’s actually used in a homophobic (anti-gay) context. It’s just a popular way of mocking something or someone, and is often used in good humour. I’m sure it’ll be replaced by something else soon enough – nobody said it while I was in school.

It sounds like you have a good idea why your Dad might react badly to your coming out and that your Mum will be accepting, but not why other people might do the same. Do you really think most people will have a problem with it? Remember, there’s no rush to come out and any pressure to do so is coming from yourself. You don’t have to pretend to be straight, but you don’t have to come out either. You might take the approach that when someone asks you about it, you tell them. This means you’re being honest and true to yourself, but keeping the coming out to a pace you can handle. You should also consider that you are a very young man at 13, and your feelings n these issues will change quite a bit as you get a little older. Also, with age comes the option of independence and leaving home – a good thing to have if things don’t go well when coming out at home.

Please read my coming out section for more information.

Hi Alondra,

Have you spoken to a school counsellor or doctor about your self harm? It’s important that you talk to someone as this is a dangerous and harmful way of dealing with your emotions. I will be writing a section on self harm soon, but in the meantime, please see the self harm links and other mental health links here.

You know what? I think you already answered your own questions when it comes to dating. It sounds to me as though you’re fairly comfortable with your sexuality, but there’s still work to be done. It’s okay not to want to get involved in dating – there’s no rule that says you have to. I think you’re right that you should wait until you meet someone you feel very comfortable and happy with and then give dating a try. But be sure not to let nerves put you off dating forever. It’ll always be a bit scary when first dating anyone - even for people much older than yourself - but getting to know someone and developing a relationship is one of the best things in life. It’s really not worth saying yes to girls you aren’t really interested in. It’s not fair on them and you could end up spoiling potential friendships. Give yourself some time and things will slot into place.

Hi Marie,

Well, everyone needs to start somewhere. There’s no reason to suspect that because this is your girlfriends first same-sex relationship that she doesn’t know what she wants or might suddenly decide against it. At 17 years old, you know that you are a lesbian and are comfortable with it. Your girlfriend seems to feel the same way. Some people have their first same-sex experience much later. Lots of factors effect someone’s coming out age or the age at which they become involved with someone. A gay person coming out at 25 and falling in love shouldn’t be dismissed because they haven’t been out and same-sex dating since their teens.

There’s a danger here that if you don’t accept what your girlfriend is telling you – that she loves you and is happy – then you’ll end up driving her away. You won’t be letting her get as close to you as she could be if you are holding back.

Yes, you risk getting hurt if you let your girlfriend get close, but you won’t be giving the relationship a real chance – or enjoying your time together as much as you could - if you don’t. Listen to what she’s saying and enjoy the relationship.

Hi Elliot,

Essays are no problem here :-)

Coming out isn’t something bad a person does to someone else. I can see that your family would have been upset and worried when they discovered that you were using drugs, because it’s illegal and harmful to your health. But being gay is not something you’re actively ‘doing’ that you shouldn’t be. It would be like getting into trouble for having brown eyes or a good sense of humour; these are parts of a person’s ‘being’ and shouldn’t be apologised for or hidden to gain acceptance. It’s the same with sexuality. Still, a lot of people don’t see it that way, and think being gay is something bad or harmful that a person wilfully chooses as a way of life. Sometimes you just have to accept that people hold these bigoted views and then decide to come out anyway.

Your situation boils down to these options:

• Stay in the closet and continue to pretend to be straight. This means that in the immediate future you can maintain the same relationships with your family and friends as you’ve had for years, without fear of rejection based on sexuality. The downside is that you are hiding who you really are, constantly monitoring and adjusting your behaviour, frequently lying to those close to you, and making it very hard for you to be able to find a partner. Anyone you got involved with would have to live by your rules in terms of secrecy and how they should behave if they were to bump into anyone you know. This isn’t fair on you or a partner and isn’t a good foundation to allow a relationship to flourish and give it a proper chance to work out. How would you one day move in with a boyfriend if you aren’t out? Pretend he’s a flatmate? What about the double bed? As time goes by lies will be replaced by bigger lies, and I doubt you can keep people from speculating about your sexuality as you continue to show no interest in females. I think you already know how unfair it is to have a cover-story girlfriend who you feel nothing for. It's a terribly unfair way to treat someone.
• Come out. You either do this straight away, telling one person after another, or just tell people when you feel you need to i.e. when you find a partner, or simply when someone asks you about your love life. The benefits of coming out are that you can be yourself or learn who you really are – maybe for the first time - without the acting or front of pretending you’re something else. It’ll be easier to find a partner because you’re not hiding away or expecting him to. Coming out means potentially you’ll be a lot happier and more confident - it takes courage to be yourself - but the down side is that it may change the friendships you value so much. Sometimes this change can be for the better, bringing a deeper and more honest quality to the friendship, but it’s also possible that some people might not react well at all or that you might even lose friendships completely. It may be easy for someone else to tell you that you don't need friends who don't accept you, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt to lose them.

My Coming out section goes into much more detail about the pros and cons of coming out, how you might go about coming out and how to deal with things if they don’t go as you’d have liked.

I personally believe and have experienced first hand, that the way to be truly happy - or at least to start moving toward it - is to embrace who you are and seek out the things that make you happy. While in the short term it may be safe and comfortable to pretend to be something else, it’s a tough option in the long term. I hate to think of anyone going through life being governed by the self-imposed rule that they must satisfy the expectations of other people, at whatever cost. It requires courage and conviction go against the grain, but it can reap happiness.

Hi Gary,

I think it’s important to get some perspective here first. Although you could be described as a ‘late starter’ by some people’s standards, you are hardly past it in terms of relationships and sex, as well as pretty much everything else you'd like to do with your life. You have plenty of time to meet someone for a relationship.

Gaydar is quite well known as a place where gay men get in touch to arrange casual sex. Though it is possible to meet someone on there who’s interested in more, I think it’s important to have realistic expectations of Gaydar and work on your ability to get a feel for someone’s intensions before you go to the trouble of meeting up. Rushed meetings often lead to disappointment for those wanting more than a one-off. You might want to give www.outintheuk.com a try, with it’s greater emphasis on friendships and relationships, rather than just casual sex.

When first starting out it's natural to put all your hopes on the first guy you seem to get on with, but try to be a little more restrained and protective of your feelings.

It sounds to me as though you haven’t just lost of the love of your life. It sounds as though you got on with each other well enough, but you weren’t exactly soul mates. Connections like this tend to come and go, especially if after the sex is over you find you don’t really have much to talk about. I think if you want something deeper from a guy, don’t have sex the first time you meet (or even the second or third – shock horror ;-). Hold back a little. If a guy is interested in more than sex, he’ll be happy to go on dates and spend time getting to know you. This time together will give you both the opportunity to see if there’s more between you than just physical attraction, and prevent you investing too much in something that isn’t going to go anywhere.

It sounds like you had an awkward sexual moment with this guy from Gaydar, but if there was more of a connection between you this wouldn’t have meant the end of the relationship. The way this guy has all but vanished speaks volumes about the lack of real connection between you two and the possibility of a meaningful, lasting relationship developing. Besides, sex has to be about both partners, not just one wanting it and the other trying to do all the expected moves.

I’d put this down to experience and move on. Keep my advice in mind the next time you meet someone.

Hi Vivian,

Email is an acceptable way to come out, especially if you are particularly worried about how your Mum will react, or fear that you’ll be too nervous to express yourself properly in person. This also gives you time to prepare for the conversation that will follow, and it gives your Mum time to digest the information without being directly confronted.

I would avoid using text as a means to come out to anyone. You don’t have the room to express yourself properly in a text message, and there’s something a bit flippant and impersonal about it, which is only compounded by the use of lazy abbreviations that not everyone understands.

Read my Coming out section for in-depth advice.

Hi Stephen,

There’s no way to guarantee that things will end well and leave you in a position to resume a friendship, simply because you can’t guarantee how your girlfriend will react to your news. Breaking up is going to be painful for her, but there’s also your long-term dishonesty on top of that for her to try to come to terms with. She may feel used and betrayed, and I can’t lie to you and say that she wouldn't be justified in that.

However, you can conduct yourself in the best way possible to minimise the damage. Do not tell your mutual friend first. Your girlfriend deserves utmost respect here, and you must tell her first, and as soon as possible. Don’t pretend things are okay until May – that’s a terrible deceit. Set aside a time to talk to her on the phone and tell her everything. She’ll likely be shocked and hurt and have many questions, but you can follow up the phone call with emails back and forth as you try to help her understand. Getting over someone is far harder when you don’t understand why you broke up. Make sure she knows she didn’t do anything wrong. Explain to her that you care deeply for her and really thought this was what you wanted, but that you can’t help who you are. She might not see it at first, but breaking up with her is the right and fair thing to do. Carrying on with her because you worry she won’t find another guy with her current schooling arrangements is a crazy reason to string her along. Having a long distance gay boyfriend is her biggest problem right now!

Breaking up is going to be painful for both of you and you might both need some space before (and if) you’re able to be friends. Be patient with her and respectful of her feelings and wishes.

Being gay isn’t wrong, but using and misleading someone is. The fact that your original intensions were good might soften the blow a bit but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re not doing right by your girlfriend right now.