Problem page archive: August 2009

Hi Bigman,

It sounds to me as though you are not confused about your sexuality, and it’s actually the fear of embracing who you are that is stopping you enjoying life more. It sounds as though you are bisexual, but tend to lean more toward men, though perhaps you are completely gay but your fear of that reality makes you consider getting involved with women.

You have to listen to what your feelings are telling you. You can’t change your sexuality, and despite what society tells us, being married with kids is not ‘better’ than being in a same-sex relationship, it’s just different. It can be just as wonderful (or as awful!) as a straight relationship. It’s the people in it that make it worthwhile, not their sex.

It’s a natural part of life that friends get into relationships and drift away. But you don’t have to sit on your own every night and think about the past – you can work at making a new social life.

• Accept who you are. You can’t change it and your life is on hold as long as you feel bad about it and do nothing.
• Stop thinking about the past and missed opportunities. Think positively and make plans for the future. Make sure the next time someone you like is in your sights, don’t let them get away without telling them how you feel. You have nothing to lose and masses to gain.
• Think about how you can build a social life for yourself. Join a club, group or take up and evening class. Meet guys online (and girls too if you really want to and not just because you think you should). www.outintheuk.com is a good place to start.
• Just because friends have married and had children doesn’t mean they aren’t interested in maintaining a friendship with you. They’re just busy and naturally have new priorities. Make some phone calls, arrange some visits.

A big dose of positive thinking and motivation is what you need, and you can make your life a rich and rewarding experience.

Hi Matthew,

There’s no rule against you having a boyfriend, and kissing passionately, but it is against the law (UK) for people under 16 to have sex (homo or heterosexual). If this guy you’re seeing hasn’t been through puberty yet, then that’s an added reminder that he is a child and that entering into a sexual relationship with him is off-limits. He may be keen to start having sex, but his body is saying, “Not ready yet, come back in a few years”, as is the law. The fact that he’s seeing you and a girl at the same time suggests to me he’s in a rush and wants a piece of everything at once. He need time to grow up.

I know that a lot of people do have sex before they reach 16, and that some people mature earlier and feel they are ready for sex. The law can’t even begin to regulate it or control what people get up to behind closed doors. Still, you have shown that you are a mature and considerate guy, and haven’t just thought about your own needs and jumped into bed with your boyfriend, and I applaud that.

Carry on seeing him if it’s what you want, but I suggest continuing to hold back. If you are meant to be together, he’ll wait for sex do the right thing by his girlfriend.

Hi DR,

It sounds like you already have the answers you are looking for. You like both men and women sexually and want to explore the gay part of yourself. There is a gay bar in the area, which could give you opportunities to meet gay and bisexual men for friendship, sex or more. So what are you waiting for?

It’s normal to feel uneasy about the gay side of yourself, because generally speaking we’re not raised to think that homosexuality is a valid way to be, and often the possibility of being gay isn’t entertained in the family home. But you are 20, and you know yourself well enough and know what turns you on, and it’s up to you to explore that.

If it was a push out the door you needed, then consider yourself pushed!

Hi Jamie,

Why do you think that you could only have a deep romantic, emotional connection with a woman and not a man? If you’re surrounded by straight, matcho-acting guys at school then perhaps you have come to believe that all guys are like that, and hard to get close to. This isn’t the case. Two men can share the same connection as a straight couple can, and I speak from experience.

I think you’re a little afraid to admit that you are gay, or at least that you prefer men. Do you really believe that if you were in a mixed school you’d feel a lot ‘straighter’ and have relationships with girls? Or do you think perhaps that no matter how many girls are around, you’ll have your eye on that guy you have feelings for?

At the very least I can tell you that you aren’t straight. You are sexually attracted to guys. A straight guy doesn’t fancy other guys, even if there are no women around. Gay or bisexual guys do. Simple.

I think that, like a lot of emails I’ve replied to in the last few days, you are creating obstacles and problems that can be brushed aside.

The obstacles that are blocking you from feeling better are:

• You worry that you can’t have the level of emotional connection with a guy that you can with girls. I say you can. You can have both the sex and the emotional connection with the right person.
• You think that being separated from females is somehow bringing out the gay in you and that being around girls would balance you out. I say this isn’t correct. You could put me in a room with 100 naked women for 6 months and I’d be as gay when I walked out as when I walked in. Sexuality doesn’t change based on who’s around you during term time.
• You feel that happiness in the future is very much about having a ‘normal’ family; being married to a woman and having children. I say you can be very happy and have a wonderful relationship with a man, and that a different family type is just as valid.

Try to see through these obstacles and concentrate on how you truly feel and what your heart tells you.

Hi Taylah,

I know it’s probably not what you want to hear, but try to see things from the perspective of those who care about you; your family and friends. They love you and want you to be safe and happy. I’d be worried if a parent wasn’t concerned if their 14 year old daughter announced being in love with someone they haven’t met in the flesh, and had even planned to become engaged. Do you not think, deep down, that it would be better to see each other at least a few times before making such big plans for the future?

It sounds like your girlfriend’s Mum is very sensible in that she won’t pack her daughter off for Manchester without knowing she has somewhere to stay and that the person she’s going to visit has a family that are fully aware of the situation. It all sounds very responsible to me. After all, webcam or not, you can never be 100 percent sure when meeting someone for the first time, and is potentially dangerous.

So my advice is to put the brakes on. Why the rush to get rings on each other’s fingers before your first date? Slow down. Continue to get to know each other. Think about coming out and being honest with those closest to you before your girlfriend comes to visit. It’s not fair for her to travel so far and then have to sneak around. Be sensible and think things through before making big jumps that can change your life.

Hi Lee,

The people who tell you about finding someone at uni are right. At the moment your world is quite small. This isn’t a bad thing as such, but when you live with family and your life is school and a part time job, it can be limiting, especially as a gay person wanting to meet others. We all start off like this, as young people, before ‘flying the nest’. Universities often have gay groups or societies and various other clubs to get involved in and where you can meet people who share your interests. You also find that people are a bit more grown up at university and more open minded. Being away from home means you can explore aspects of your personality that you’d perhaps hidden away while living with your folks.

Just because you met someone online and perhaps never met up in ‘real life’ doesn’t make the feelings you had for him any less real to you, and it’s normal to hurt over the relationship ending. It’s also completely normal to feel shaken once you find someone has moved on quicker than you and found someone else. So you’ve acknowledged that you don’t feel too great, but it’s time to move on. Your life is about to get a lot more interesting with uni. With time you will stop hurting about the internet relationship, and you have every chance of meeting someone wonderful at university and beyond. Much better to wait for the right guy than think about guys you can’t stand, or feel frustrated by being close to a straight guy.

I think a little patience and simply enjoying the friendships you have for what they are will see you through until life provides you with more options. Remember, you have as much chance as anyone else for happiness and love.

Hi Mark,

It worries me that you’ve been visiting a psychologist – is this at your parents request because you are gay? If it’s for other reasons, fine, but seeing someone trained in mental illness because you are gay isn’t right. You aren’t mentally ill, you are gay.

Counselling, on the other hand, can be very useful in dealing with many problems and worries, and certainly isn’t just for people with diagnosed mental health problems. I think it says something very good about your parents that they’d arrange this and attend with you, presumably in order to improve the family communication. Still, you say they don’t make any effort, so this sends mixed messages about how they feel and how ready they are to accept their gay son.

You are right, Mark, when you say about figuring it out on your own. Most gay people do. But there is information and support out there. I would suggest you and your parents read my Advice for parents and friends section. Also have a look at links, Support for parents of gay people.

I think the best immediate action is to take a step back, don’t force the issue, and give your parents time to think about things. Sometimes pushing the issue can just cause angry reactions and won’t help them warm to the idea. You may find that your parents chill out with time, and when you meet someone and perhaps even want to live with a man, then the issue can be bought up again.

Ultimately, you are gay and can’t change. If your parents want to have a good relationship with you and be part of your life then they have to accept this, and learn to see past it if they can’t embrace it. Otherwise, they’ll really miss out. After all, being gay is only one part of what makes you the person that you are, and it’s not something they should be pinning so much importance on.

Do you have any friends you can talk to? You’ve already done what is often considered the hardest part of coming out, so why not open up to a friend? It will help a lot having someone on your side who is outside of the family home.

Hi Glitter,

It’s true that some people have same-sex experiences when they are very young, but go on to be straight later in life. It works the other way though, and you may well go on to be lesbian after enjoying an experience with a male or both male and females. Sexuality is much more fixed as you become an adult, and generally people become more sure of themselves and what they want. I have never heard of a gay person come out and discover that they are actually 100% heterosexual some years later. I expect the truth of the matter is that a lot of people are very confused about their sexuality, are desperate to put a definitive label on it, and put all kinds of obstacles and worries between themselves and their feelings, preventing them from seeing things – if you’ll forgive the word – straight.

You know you like girls, and you know that as time has gone by these same-sex attractions have increased, and your interest in males has decreased. So you have the answers right in front of you and only need me to point it out. I doubt very, very much that you’ll suddenly get the hots for the local football team and run off to boys town, shunning woman forever! It might be the case that you find some men attractive through your life, but I think if you are bisexual, it’s only a relatively small part of you that leans toward men, to the extent that you feel you may be completely lesbian. However small a facets of your sexuality is though, don't ignore it, but also don't feel pressure to jump on it. Rather, see how you feel as you meet new people and become romantically and/or sexually interested. It sounds cheesy, but just follow your heart.

If your sexuality changes, it’ll be in subtle ways, as it develops – people don’t suddenly wake up with different sexualities, so stop worrying. Listen to what your feelings are telling you and enjoy life. It’s when we feel bad about and deny what we’re feeling that we become unhappy.

Hi Rose,

The major problem your budding relationship faces isn’t sexuality – it’s the geographical distance between you and the girl you like. And there’s no easy answer to that. I’m sure your parents would worry if you went off to Essex to meet someone you haven’t met before, and I’d be worried if they weren’t. The distance is such that doing a day trip isn’t practical, so you’d have to stay over, which understandably raises more alarm bells for the people who care about you.

I think unless one of you were to live closer, there’s a tricky future for any relationship. Also, having only known this girl for a few weeks it’s madness to start making plans with your future based around being close to her i.e. picking a college in Essex rather than a college that’s best for you, or moving to Essex without a job to go to.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. If there’s a future for the two of you, you’ll be able to work something out. See how things go with this girl. Email and talk on the phone often. Get to know her as much as possible. If you really connect with each other, then think about planning a visit somewhere in the middle between Cardiff and Essex, like Reading (Berkshire). I have travelled from Reading to Cardiff myself, and it’s only 2 hours, and would be similar from Essex to Reading. It’s a big town with lots to do, and a decent place for a first date. You could also go home on the same day and not worry about sleeping over anywhere. This way you both travel equal distance, give or take, share the expense and reduce travel time. Also worth remembering that you’re nearly 18: an adult. So you’d expect more freedom to make your own decisions and make bigger trips like that.

If it’s meant to be, you’ll find a way, but don’t rush into anything.

Hi Martyn,

Stop playing games with yourself and other people. It’s really okay to just say how you’re feeling and be up front with others. A relationship is doomed from the beginning if you think he’ll cheat on you. Going to the trouble of making a fake dating profile and setting a trap for your man is not a healthy way to behave, and the damage you do will hurt you more than anyone else.

If you are with someone who gives you reason to think they sleep around, then walk away. If you have no reason to think these things, then learn how to deal with insecurity and jealousy. Challenge that annoying voice in your head that tells you he’s cheating when there’s no real reason to think that. Separate the nonsense from the reality. I suggest reading my Looking after your mental health section for advice on thinking in a more positive way and getting out of negative thought patterns that can hinder both friendships and relationships and make you miserable. Also check out my tips and advice for successful relationships.

I think your sister is right: some time as a single man is a good idea. Take control and use this time to challenge the way your mind works, the thinking patterns and negative cycles you have fallen into. Only then will you be in a good position to enter into a relationship and really give it the chance it deserves. Otherwise I fear you’ll prevent even the nicest guy from truly getting really close to you and allowing you to trust him. Drama and games don’t make a good, lasting relationship so it’s time for a real change.

Hi Tamsyn,

Simply, you know you are over someone when thinking about them no longer hurts.

Often when you have had a deep connection with someone and once been very in love with them, that person may always make you feel differently than when bumping into a friend for example, but the pain you feel when you break up doesn’t last.

Getting over the loss of a relationship and the closeness you shared with someone takes different people different amounts of time, depends on how sensitive they are, and on how a person handles the time right after. Sitting around obsessing about someone and avoiding other parts of life makes getting over someone very difficult, while spending time with friends and making positive plans will help you move on much more quickly.

It sounds to me as though the intensity of your feelings has lessoned and you are starting to move on. Be active and think positively and you’ll feel better as time goes by. Getting over someone is a natural mourning process that everyone goes through when a break-up occurs.

Hi Mike,

I think you’re getting frustrated because things aren’t happening as quickly as you’d like. It would be ideal if you could walk into any club, bar, group etc. and find an instant and perfect fit for what you’re looking for, and even better, that the people you latch onto want to spend time with you too. But life isn’t like that, and there are no guarantees that you’ll like any particular person and that they’ll like you. Going to a gay group only garantees one thing: that most of the people there are gay. The rest is down to luck and the effort you put in.

You sound as though you think you’ll be arrested as a paedophile for hanging out with people 3 years younger than you! and you also seem to dismiss them very quickly as potential friends. Think about it differently: if you met one of these guys when he was 30 and you were 33, would you dismiss the possibility of friendship? You say they are nice people, so give them a chance.

It’s not using someone if part of why you have befriended him or her is because you hope it will open up other social opportunities for you and introduce you to other potential friends. That’s the way life works. I’ve met people through other people before and as time goes by find that the original friend and myself haven’t been in touch for years! Some friendships come and go, while some are for keeps. You don’t know what people fall into what type of friendship until you’re in it and just seeing how things go. I went to a gay youth group when I was 19 and enjoyed years of friendship with people several years younger than me.

You might also try meeting guys your age online, using a site like www.outintheuk.com

I think you did a really brave thing by going to that group, and I know first hand what it’s like to attend a gay youth group on your own. Don’t lose this positive thing you’ve started. Be open minded, be patient and give people a chance. I think you’re at the beginning of a potential explosion in your social life, but Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Hi Alberto,

I think telling your friend that you feel he acts artificially around you is something you might want to do. But I also think you have to accept that he is a heterosexual man and has a girlfriend now. Whether he still has feelings for men isn’t the issue here, and it’s not your job to try to liberate him. Same-sex experiences in the past don’t mean he isn’t straight now, and he certainly isn’t the first straight man to have had sexual contact with other boys when young. You really can’t know what’s going on in his head, and I expect you’re spending far too much time and energy trying to do just that.

He is embarrassed about the past and doesn’t want to send out confusing signals to you that might suggest he is interested sexually. To you it might seem that he is being cold physically, but for him it just feels right not to be affectionate with a man he used to have sex with and to keep a certain distance from someone that reminds him of his past.

Whether this kind of friendship is good enough for you or not is your decision, but I think perhaps the two of you will never share the type of closeness you desire. If the friendship is strong and worthwhile, then he’ll be open to a conversation about how you are feeling, and perhaps you can come to an understanding and move forward. But you might have to accept things the way they are and find the closeness you want in other friends or a partner in the future.

Hi Kit,

It sounds like you have a lot going for you: friends you can come out to and who offer support, and an open, liberal-minded household where people are dropping hints to make coming out easier for you. The only thing stopping you coming out is the absence of courage needed to just do it. I personally think you should take a deep breath and tell your family.

When it comes to this teacher you have feelings for, I think you have the answers already. You know he’s married and a lot older than you. And even if he was gay and in his twenties, teacher-pupil relationships are strictly off the syllabus. Indeed, a teacher’s job would be at risk if it was found out that he or she was having a relationship with a pupil, and with something like that on their record their whole career would be compromised. I think telling everyone how you feel about this teacher and created an issue of it to others is a mistake, and indeed, if the news travelled in certain directions his conduct could be put under the spotlight. If your parents were to react to your coming out in a negative way – though it doesn’t sound like they will - the connection to your teacher could land him in trouble.

I had an email from a girl a while back who had a major crush on one of her teachers. She had told people about her feelings and the news had got back to the teacher herself. They were both then dragged into various meetings and the girl had to switch class and was told not to speak to the teacher again, even in the corridor between classes. Obviously it made life harder and uncomfortable for both of them and caused upset that could have easily been avoided.

Acknowledge your feelings for this man, talk to one or two trusted people about it if you need to, but work on moving on. Be level-headed and sensible about it. You enjoy the classes and you like spending time with this man, and there’s no reason you can’t carry on doing just that, but with it in your mind at all times that you are a pupil, and that he’s there to teach you.

I know your feelings are strong and you want recognition, but absolutely nothing worthwhile can come out of him knowing how you feel. Indeed, you might find yourself in a different class and the teacher avoiding you like the plague for fear of people thinking he’s led you on in some way.

You will get over it and you will find someone who’s not only available, but wants you as much as you want him. Draw strength from the wonderful people around you.

Hi Barry,

It’s not at all right to date someone simply because you think your friends will approve. If you get involved with someone romantically, it must be for the right reasons: you think he or she is wonderful and you want to be with them.

The hardest thing in life is to find the courage to be who you really are and to allow the people around you to love or hate you, based on what they see.

It sounds like you have one supportive friend, and she seems to think other friends will come around. Perhaps she’s right?

At the moment you are at a crossroads and you have only two options: you come out and deal with the aftermath, or you stay in the closet and try to keep your romantic/sexual life separate from these work friends. I know some very private people at my workplace who keep their private lives very much out of the office, and I haven’t a clue whether they are straight or gay or anything else. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends and enjoy working together. You have every right to your privacy, even if at times juggling a private life with work colleagues might be tricky.

Also, remember there are laws to protect people in the workplace from bullying and discrimination. Your sexuality is not a reason for colleagues to make you unhappy or unable to perform your role properly (see my page here for more).

It’s easier to handle this whole situation as a single man, but if you get a boyfriend then these issues will be pushed to the fore. It’s not fair to expect a partner to sneak around, hiding away from and deceiving your friends. If you were to live with a same-sex partner, hiding your sexuality becomes even tougher.

It’s up to you to decide how to live your life, but I know that being true to yourself is the best way to be happy and to allow your real friends to shine through.

Hi Ben,

There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin at 25. Some people have sex far too young. They don’t enjoy it, and regret it. Some wait for the right person to come into their lives. Some just feel confused about their sexuality and need a bit longer for that side of their lives to begin.

It sounds to me as though you know that you find men sexually attractive, and that you’d like to explore this further. You could try visiting a gay pub or bar with a friend. This will help you build your confidence and feel more at ease with the idea of being gay. You could try forming friendships (and maybe more) with men on a website like www.outintheuk.com and do some research into what’s available in your area, or perhaps Cardiff (gay groups and social events etc.).

You say you like the guy that cuts your hair but you don’t know if he’s gay. Try dropping hints the next time you see him. Ask him what he did at the weekend, what places he hangs out etc. If he spends most of his time at the roughest pub in town getting into fights, then you know you’re barking up the wrong tree! On the other hand, if he perhaps mentions a favourite gay bar, then you have a pretty good clue! Of course, a lot of gay people don’t go to gay venues, so you might have to dig a little deeper to find out what you want. Still, if there’s a connection between you both, then a bit of gentle flirting will help move things along.

I think you need to be a bit bolder, Ben. Reach out a bit further than you have been and spice up your life a little.

Hi Paul,

I think that it’s wonderful that you want to help people less fortunate than yourself, and there’s certainly a lot young gay people who need help, advice and support.

Your best bet is to do some research. Firstly, think about how far you can travel. If you can only go maybe 10 miles from home due to money issues etc., then you have a big chunk of local area to start investigating. See if there are any gay youth groups in that area, or organisations/charities. I found this - http://www.lgbyouthyork.org.uk/ - after a few seconds of searching on Google with, ‘gay youth group, york’. ‘Young volunteers’ also bought up a range of websites. Try some of search terms and see what you can find.

You may well find that even if an organisation doesn’t need help at the moment, they may be able to direct you to someone else who does and give you advice on getting involved in various projects they know of.

If you are going to college or university, they will very likely have a gay group or society and will welcome help with its organisation and fund raising, as well as new ideas and input you can provide.

If nothing comes up, broaden your search to perhaps include other types of organisations and charities (i.e. support for young people generally, not just those with sexuality concerns).

There are definitely outlets for your enthusiasm Paul. Don’t be downhearted if you don’t find something straight away.

Hi Nicholas,

And sorry for taking a while to reply. I've been moving house.

I know it's tough, and you sound very deeply in love with Oliver, but in order to gain control of your life and start to feel happier, you have to get some distance between you; some space to sort your head out.

Don't make excuses for him not to sleep over - tell him he can't! If he's lying next to you every night and holding you, how on earth can you start to get your head straight? It would be just as hard if you had had a relationship with someone but were still sleeping together - it just doesn't work. You don't have to stop being friends with him, but you do absolutely need some space, and the privacy and peace of your own bed.

I don't think Oliver is gay, and perhaps not even bisexual. It's certain that even if he likes guys, it's a tiny part of him and not even big enough that he'd have a sexual relationship with his closest male friend. So there's no point waiting for him to decide he wants a relationship - I think you know that already.

He gets something from your hugs and intimacy, just like you do. In his case he perhaps feels safe, loved, and is in the company of someone who makes him feel attractive, wanted, desired etc. and these feelings are what keeps him coming back. Perhaps he finds it hard to back off from you, but because of different needs. In your case, you love his friendship and you love him, and you ache for more. You will always ache for more unless you break away a little bit. Sexual feelings alone are very powerful, and all your physical buttons are being pushed when you have your head on his chest at night, and I know from experience that this is bloody maddening! And then emotionally your head is completely filled with him, and you probably think of most things in your life via him in some way i.e. you think about your plans in terms of how it involves or affects him.

All the time you're stuck like this, you're missing out on guys who are gay and available, and can offer you what you want. It's natural to feel anger toward Oliver, but it's you who is the one in control and it's you who can start to grab some of the control of your life back.

So start today! Tell him that it's hard to have him in your bed and you need a little space. Spend time with other friends. Spend time doing something you enjoy that you've neglected. Think about the happy, carefree person you were 4 years ago and think about what's changed, and how you might get back to that happier time. Distract yourself: indulge an interest, do something new, call up a friend you haven't spoken to for a while, and see less of Oliver. When you do see him, try to do it outside of your home and your bedroom, so that intimacy is somewhat reduced.

Take control and get your life back. You are in control and can make changes.

Good luck!