Problem page archive: December 2009

Hi James,

Forget this guy. I think you’ve been plenty patient enough already and he’s messing you around. It’s amazing what we’ll put up with from those we care about, and I think you’ve put up with enough. I think it’s clear that right now this guy is not able to be in a healthy relationship where two people communicate and treat each other with respect.

This guy clearly has problems with being close to guys he is attracted to, and this may be because he’s not completely at ease with his sexuality or because of other emotional problems. Perhaps he has trouble trusting people, or has low self esteem and finds it hard to let others care for him. Perhaps he’s simply not very courageous and can’t face up to what he is and what he wants, and prefers to run away. Whatever his reasons, they aren’t your problem.

You have shown him very clearly that you like him and would like to get closer to him. He needs to decide if he wants to put the effort into dealing with his problems so that he can be with you. If he chooses to run away from his problems and you at this time, then he’ll just face them again the next time he likes a guy.

You’ve done nothing wrong here, James. You deserve to meet someone who’s as peace with who they are and can treat you with love and respect. Please don’t waste months or even years pining after this guy who doesn’t seem emotionally equipped or mature enough to handle getting close to you.

Hi Tamsyn,

I remember your letters from quite some time ago, and I really feel this situation has gone on for far too long. I know it’s painful when you love someone who isn’t interested, but ultimately it’s your responsibility to get your head in order and begin to move on. I don’t have any new answers for you since the last time, and you have to help yourself.

This above may sound harsh, but I do know how you feel. I’ve been there. I was once crazy about a straight friend, pretty much obsessive, to the point where there was little else I thought about. I was very down about it, and was no doubt a wretched person to be around for my other friends. I used to behave terribly to try to manipulate him and to provoke him to either show that he cared for me, or to ditch me completely. All terribly unhealthy stuff that destroys friendships and messes your head up. Obsessing about this guy was part nature, and part choice. I could have got my act together, been rational and pulled my life into order, but I chose to sink into my feelings for him, ruining the friendship and losing one of the best friends I’ve ever had. That was 7 years ago, and I still have moments where I think on it and regret my behaviour, and frankly I’m blushing with embarrassment as I remember.

If I had the time over again I’d have faced the fact that he was straight and could never fully understand where I was coming from. I’d have focussed on the fact that I had a great friend, who cared about me and wanted to be in my company. I may never have been able to be as close to him as I’d have liked, but the friendship was worth so much and should have been treasured. Having a best friend is not a poor second place to having a partner. I knew all this at the time but chose to be irrational and jealous. I should have been sensible and spent less time with him – but not backed off completely or been cold - while I was dealing with my feelings, and spent more time with other friends or time enjoying other activities (hobbies, interests) to take my mind off him and get a sense of perspective and balance in my life. With time, and a positive and healthy attitude, I’d have been able to move on and find someone who could love me, while being able to continue to enjoy that great friendship with the straight friend. He need never have known how I felt or been put in difficult and uncomfortable situations because of it, and I need never have hurt him. After all, he did nothing wrong.

I would also have reminded myself, had I not been so impulsive and destructive, that liking someone who isn’t interested isn’t a ‘gay curse’, destined to forever leave me lonely and miserable, but simply part of life. Straight people fall for people they can’t have. Gay people fall for other gay people who aren’t interested. Romantic love is complex, and it’s a fortunate person who finds someone they love who feels the same in return. Unrequited love is a painful reality for most people at some stage in their lives, and dealing with it with dignity is a valuable skill.

How much do you value the friendship you have with this girl? Forget love and longing – I’m talking about friendship, without strings or conditions. If you’d like to get past this and just enjoy a healthy friendship, then it’s time to make some changes, Tamsyn. I think that being separated from this girl when you leave school is a good thing. It’ll give you a chance to get things into perspective. Not only is she straight, but she won’t be physically present: two very good reasons why a romantic relationship will never happy, and why it’s a very good idea to start focussing on other things and to move on. I imagine she will move on too, making new friends, meeting a guy, falling in love. There will only be a place for you in her life if you are that friend she values. She won’t have room for a pining hanger-on, who’s emailing and texting ever day, clinging to the past and still waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.

Please start to move on. Think of what you want, not how your life should shift according to this girls plans. Where do you want to be? What do you want for your future? How can you meet new people and a partner? What interests do you want to explore further? Are there any old friends you haven’t spoken to for a while you could call up? Start living instead of waiting. Only then can you enjoy a friendship with this girl without the hangover.

I wish I’d had this email sent to me 7 years ago and I would still have my best friend in my life.

Hi Ansh,

Please see my Gay myths and stereotypes page here, which goes into more detail about this topic.

HIV and AIDS are not caused by sexuality or brought into being from nothing by a sexual act seen by some as deviant or wrong. HIV is a virus that is carried in bodily fluids, that can be passed onto another person via unprotected (no condom) penetrative sex (anal or vaginal). You cannot catch HIV from sex with someone who doesn’t have the virus. You cannot catch HIV from touching or kissing someone who does have the virus.

At the stage of becoming infected, a person is said to have become  HIV positive (HIV+). HIV is the virus that leads to AIDS, which is a fatal disease.

HIV can be contracted by anybody who is exposed to the virus.  Sexuality is irrelevant. Religious or moral notions of whether a person is dirty, bad or deserves the virus are not relevant. HIV does not discriminate between gay or straight people.

However, unprotected anal sex is considered to be an especially high risk activity, which is why gay men who take part in this activity  need to be especially careful.

Protect yourself from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections by using condoms. Find out more about HIV, AIDS and other sexually transmitted infections at Avert’s website, here.

Hi Robin,

I think you are a very brave woman and you’ve clearly been through a lot. However, it seems that in some ways you are holding yourself back and making life harder for yourself. The biggest hurdle you currently face is not in dealing with the outside world or seeking its acceptance, but in your own ability to accept yourself.

Ask yourself why you can’t accept yourself as a lesbian. Do you think that if you could wake up straight tomorrow, that life would be perfect and everything would be fine? It wouldn’t. Being straight would come with its own problems, and I imagine being married and having children would put a great deal of strain on you, when you’ve clearly got work to do on yourself and hurt from the past to deal with. The first step is to stop seeing being gay as the enemy here, and the idea of not being gay as a way to make life easier. If you can’t bring yourself to accept yourself right now, then at least accept that sexuality cannot be changed (much as certain segments of the church would like you to think), so like everyone, you have to make the most of the cards you’ve been dealt in life. You can be a happy gay woman, but it won’t happen overnight.

I’ve said it on the website many times, but I truly believe that the only way to be really happy in life is to be at peace with what you are. Many people spend their lives trying to be something else, trying to please others by altering their behaviour and plans. We only get one shot at this, so if your put on this planet to fall in love with a woman, then there’s no point spending 70 years trying not to. Nobody will thank you at the end of it and you’ll have plenty of regrets.

You say you can’t say out loud that you are gay, but you’re talking to a therapist about and you’ve written me an email explaining how you feel. Unlike some people who sweep problems and worried under the carpet completely, you’ve acknowledged that you need help and that things need to change, and you’re reaching out for support. I think you’ve achieved more than you realise; the proof is on the screen in front of you.

A childhood of being told by the church that anything-but-straight is wrong, and an abusive time at home have left you with doubts, low self esteem and bruises that won’t heal overnight. I think you are on the right track now. Here’s what I’d suggest as next steps:

• Keep seeing your therapist. It sounds like she’s giving you good advice and support. Simply talking about how you feel can do wonders. I’ve seen a therapist in the past and I remember how uplifted I felt after each session, gaining a sense of clarity in my thoughts and feeling stronger and more confident about facing the week ahead.
• Think about coming out to a close friend. I think saying out loud to someone that you are gay will be a massive, hugely positive step for you. It’s about self acceptance, finding new confidence and strength, and it’s about letting people in rather than hiding a big part of yourself. People often find that just having one person who knows makes them feel less isolated, and gives them someone to talk to. Gay people who come out also often find that coming out to one person gives them a confidence boost and the momentum to come out to others and take bigger steps (like seeking a partner). You’ll begin to see possibilities and opportunities when you embrace life, and just as importantly, let it embrace you. Please read my coming out section for more advice.
• Make sure you look after yourself. I suspect that you are likely a little depressed, and perhaps you find yourself worrying and feeling stressed out (anxiety). It’s really important to eat well, get enough sleep (7-8 hours a night), avoid the booze, get some exercise 3 or 4 times a week. I know from experience the positive difference it makes to mental health when you take care of the body. Just recently I hadn’t been cycling for a month (I usually do 4 miles, 3 times a week), and was getting lazy by taking the bus to work. I was also eating junk food instead of cooking properly. I definitely felt more stressed out and down, lacking in energy, as well as gaining a few pounds. I’ve turned it around now and feel much better. Please see my Looking after your mental health section which I think you'll find useful.

You’re doing brilliantly. You clearly want life to be better, and you’re going the right way about it.

Hi Ammad,

I find it very odd that some people, upon hearing that someone is gay, suggest that that person can’t be totally sure of their sexuality without ‘trying’ a straight encounter first. In return I would ask that person how they could be so certain of their own heterosexuality since they have never tried having sex with someone of their own gender. Of course, I’d be being sarcastic, because to suggest that someone who is attracted to women, go against their nature and innate desires and have sex with a man, shows a lack of respect for what that person is, and benefits nobody. Not to mention that fact that somewhere in all this a woman is used as an experiment, led into a sexual encounter that will likely leave two people unsatisfied and rather embarrassed.

I knew I was gay when I was 14. I have never been sexually attracted to women. I know that women do nothing for me sexually, without having to climb into bed with one. Guys turn me on, women don’t, so why would I ever get into a sexual situation with a women? It would be unfair on her and myself. I dare say I could perform the act, but my heart wouldn’t be in it, and my mind would be a million miles away. I’d be deceiving myself and her.

If I never had sex again, I’d still be gay. You don’t have to have sex at all, ever, to know that you are gay or straight.

Being gay isn’t something that happens because the individual hasn’t tried being straight. Sexuality simply is. You know how you feel, Ammad, and you know what you want. Don’t be confused by daft ideas like the one being presented to you by your family. They need time to adjust, but they also need to respect you and truly listen to what you are telling them. Pushing women on you shows a lack of willingness to accept the facts.

Be assertive. You know your mind better than your family does.

Hi Seth,

Coming out is often anticlimatic for many. Straight people don’t have a big moment of declaration, they just kind of ‘are’. They get on with their lives, taking things at their own pace, getting their first boy or girlfriend when the time feels right (not that straight people don't ever feel pressured or pushed to do things before they're ready). Gay people can end up sitting in the shadows, putting life on hold, until the big day when they come out. At this point, we expect life to truly start, with its relationships and sex and people embracing us for who we really are instead of some quiet thing in the corner. It's when we are welcomed into the big gay family and find our place in the world. But often, coming out just means that some people know that we are gay… no Mr Right knocking at the front door, sex is still this mysterious scary thing that you have to go out and find, friendships can take on new complications, and then you discover that that big gay world family doesn't really exist, that gay people are as coy and selective in the people they let into their lives as straight people are. Coming out is a statement of intent and it’s different for everyone. How things go after the reveal is down to you. Is it the beginning of period of change and exciting new things in your life, or is coming out just a desire to come clean and be honest about yourself with those close to you? Coming out is not a magic wand waved over a life with holes, problems and a need for fulfillment. It can raise confidence and instill a new sense of self, but sometimes people’s reactions can disappoint and we’re left feeling a bit deflated by the whole thing.

Like a lot of people coming out, you’re finding that the people closest to you have their own – often deeply flawed - ideas about what it means to be gay, and selfishly, how it will affect them. Your parents seem embarrassed as they face the prospect of ‘coming out’ to friends and other family members as having produced a gay son. Will other people judge them or think they did something wrong as parents? It might help you get an insight into what’s going through their minds if you read the Advice for parents and friends page and especially, the Adjusting your expectations of your son or daughter part. But that doesn’t mean I’m saying they’re not being selfish and worrying about petty friends and family politics, because they are.

“Our son is gay. We don’t understand it fully, but we love him and just want him to be who he is, and therefore, happy.” That’s what they should be saying to anyone who asks about you – because they don’t have to announce it before each dinner party anyway – but perhaps they just need time and a dose of courage. I would advise you not to look to them for relationship advice. I think their awkward response and possible twisting of any issue back to their needs and feelings would leave you feeling hurt. They’re clearly not ready, but that's not to say that they won't be ready one day. I think you need to look elsewhere for support. More on that later.

Your sister’s attitude about how she feels you should act is narrow minded; what do gay people act like exactly? and what pointers would she offer you to help you avoid the pitfalls? Of course, you mustn’t act like anything or anybody, but simply allow yourself to freedom to be who you naturally are. Acting is for movies and plays and for manipulating people into feeling a certain way about you. At least in theory, the people closest to you should want nothing more than the truth of who you are. If people want us to change to suit their own ends, then they don’t value us for who we are and it’s simply not healthy to bow to these expectations, both in terms of mental health and emotional wellbeing.

I could write a whole separate entry about the Muslim outlook on homosexuality, as well as various other faiths that do atrocious things to anyone under its umbrella who doesn’t adhere to certain strict expectations. But this harks back to my earlier point about being allowed to be who you are. Anybody asking you to change to suit their beliefs isn’t good for you, and in my view has little to do with any god. I was reading an email yesterday about gay people who ‘convert’ and get married to stay on the right side of their church. They freely admit that they still desire same-sex relations, but they value the acceptance of the church more than being true to themselves. There’s no cure for homosexuality, so we either embrace who we are and reach for happiness, or we hide it, bury it and brainwash ourselves for the acceptance of a group of people who’s opinions we value far too highly. But I’m straying a bit here. Some of your fellow students may well have picked up on the fact that you are gay (some just have a sense for it) or perhaps just feel that you are different in some way, and that this is just reason for bullying you. I won’t try to dissect their motives or throw words around like ‘insecure’ and suggest they might be struggling with their own identities. These are clichés that get in the way of the fact that you’re being made a victim here. You’re an intelligent, self-aware guy who knows that bullying is wrong, and I urge you to tell someone about it and seek help. If you feel that the one boy you mention if the biggest culprit, then start with him. It may well give the other, less determined bullies pause for thought. Please read the How to deal with bullying section.

You know this guy you like is off-limits, and you know the relationship you had before is over and in the past. Both may be painful facts, but no less or more than many straight people deal with, so don't fall into the trap of seeing yourself as a victim of your sexuality. You're fixating on this one guy because your emotions and sexual urges need an outlet (like everyone else) and their options are limited. In time, as you meet new people, these feelings can be directed toward someone who reciprocates. It’s easy to get stuck in a corner here, not sure how to move forward, which seems to be where you are at the moment. I think you need someone to talk to. You say that the girl who’s going out with the guy you like is one of your best friends, so why haven’t you come out to her, or one of the others? You need support, someone to vent to, someone to explore ideas with. Perhaps in your case, coming out wasn’t enough – it’s coming out to the right person/people that will make the difference here. You’ve been met with a fairly flat reception at home, and I think you need to look to your friends. I think your life may start to move forward if you let friends help, and you’ll find your confidence grow.

At 18, you’ll soon be making big decisions about where you want to be and what you want to do, and the selection of straight or closeted males that surround you now will seem like a distant memory. There’s a lot out there to get excited about (university, career ideas, meeting guys) so try to look beyond living at home and going to school.

Be patient but firm with your family, seek help over the bullying, and take the step to come out to a close friend.

Hi John,

I find it very hard to understand how your lesbian mother is struggling to accept her gay son. That’s frankly ridiculous. Either she came out later in life after leading a ‘straight’ life (which must have taken incredible courage) or she’s always been openly lesbian and had children by other means. Either way, she should know, better than anyone, how hard it is to be openly gay and to get on with your life despite the negativity and disapproval of some people. Have you tried talking to her? You may well find that she feels very differently from how you think she feels. I’m frankly baffled that a lesbian mother not only struggles to accept a gay son, but also allows communication between you both to be so limited that you’re seeking support on the internet.

John, you are a very brave man. Like a lot of young people, you thought the only option was to fit in and pretend to be like straight people. You can bet that some of the people around you in school, and maybe even some of your friends, have also struggled with same-sex attraction. Roughly 1 person in every 10 is gay, with more than that who are bisexual or perhaps have some same-sex feelings sometimes (it’s hard to really say how many gay people there are in the world because many hide it). We all try so hard to be like everyone else, but actually sometimes that ‘everyone else’ we emulate is feeling exactly the same as we are. It sounds like you are a masculine, athletic guy, and have used your physical prowess to fit into this macho thug (as you say) attitude, to run away from who you really are. A lot of people just keep on running and have a cowardly and unfulfilled life, but you’ve faced your fears and just want to be who you are and enjoy life. You’ve done an amazing thing.

Your family have some adjusting to do. For years you pretended to be someone and something else, and now you’ve come out and they have to get to know you all over again. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you or won’t eventually accept you, but this is a time of adjustment for them too. I think you need to talk about how you feel, to your Mum especially, and begin to build a new relationship with your family, but this time in a completely honest way.

Don’t ever feel ashamed John, you’re a very brave guy. Give your family time, do lots of talking (and listening) with them, and start to think about coming out to a close friend and moving your life further forward.

Hi ‘Me’,

Gay people in California are as diverse a group as anywhere else in the world. Perhaps the visible ones that you tend to notice the most are older, overweight guys, but you can bet that there are some real hunks around too. Besides, getting too hung up on looks is a mistake. Do you think that older and fatter means being single and miserable? Of course not. You can be single and miserable if you’re gorgeous, just as easily. How someone lives their lives isn’t dependent on how they look, and you should try to be more open minded on the issue. Still, it’s completely normal for a young guy to want to be with someone attractive of his own age. We’re all programmed to find certain things attractive and there’s no shame in that.

I think perhaps you lack confidence in yourself and worry about how you look and where you fit in the gay world. This would explain your general discomfort around others, your unease when seeing older gay couples or those that don’t fit into your ideas about physical attractiveness and how you’d like others to view you. Perhaps you worry that people will pigeonhole you based on what they see of other gay men.

You mention the type of guys you see in gay porn. These men are chosen because they look a certain way; they represent some ideal, and obviously they are chosen because of the size of their penises. So in a lot of porn you have muscular, attractive men with large equipment! Porn is fantasy – it’s not real. When we indulge in fantasy we want to see amazing looking guys with their clothes off, and imagine being with such a hunk. Nobody wants to watch porn with ugly people flopping about! But I can tell you that at nearly 34 years old, having had relationships with some real hunks and some average looking guys with bellies, it all boils down to the same thing: what sort of person he is, what sort of person you are, and if you can make the relationship work. I’ve had relationships with very attractive guys go just as horribly wrong as the ones with Mr average-looking. Personality really is what counts if you want more than a fling.

Don’t get caught up in some ideal of what a guy should be. Gay men are as diverse a bunch as straight: old and young, fat and thin, stunning or plain. It’s also worth remembering that what someone finds attractive, someone else may have no interest in. Personally, some of these porn hunks do nothing for me – I’d rather have someone more ‘real’ with body hair and a belly!

I think maybe you have some hazy, romantic idea about a beautiful boy who’s going to make you feel good about everything and who you’ll feel comfortable holding hands in public with because you ‘look right’ together - but I think you need to do some work on yourself first. Try to be open minded about the way you and other people look, and work on valuing yourself and your uniqueness. There are guys out there who will really desire you, and you don’t need to look like a porn star to meet someone, fall in love and have an amazing time. When you meet the right person he won’t have a tick list of things he expects from you physically – anyone who does is terribly shallow and will struggle to find love and happiness. Part of being close to someone is discovering and accepting their flaws, both physically and in their personality, because the one thing we all have in common is that we all have flaws (even porn stars!).

Hi Ian,

It sounds like there’s a lot going on in your head, but we can boil everything down to these simple facts: (a) you are in love with this guy and (b) would like to get into a relationship with him.

I’m glad you read my advice about finding out if someone is interested, and it sounds like you’ve tried a few ideas or at least given them some thought. I think the biggest factor in all this is that you’ve already told him that you think you are gay and that you have feelings for him. He reacted well, even telling you he had a same-sex crush once, and you had a nice chat about it. But now it’s some months later and it doesn’t sound as though he has responded to that information you gave him in the way you’d like. He knows you like him and therefore must have assumed that you’d jump at the chance to get involved with him, and he seems to be comfortable with the idea of homosexual relationships. But still, he doesn’t seem to be in any rush to get into something with you.

Since you know he’s okay to talk to about this stuff, I think you should just go for it and tell him how you feel. He already knows you like him, so why not just ask him out? It sounds like he’s the sort of nice guy who’ll be really sweet about it even if he’s not interested. Perhaps he’s just shy and needs a push, or perhaps he’s just not interested in you in that way, or maybe he’s straight, or simply not interested in relationships at all at the moment. It sounds to me as though you won’t find out unless you speak to him. Otherwise you could go on guessing for another year and regret not making a move. If you discover that he’s not interested in a relationship, you can at least get on with being good friends instead of wondering where you stand.

Hi Simon,

Sadly, although police and the justice system now take homophobic hate crime more seriously, it’s true that it is on the rise in towns and cities in the UK. According to Stonewall (lesbian, gay and bisexual charity) 1 in 5 lesbian woman and gay men have experienced a hate incident in the last 3 years, with 3 in 4 not reporting it. You can read more about Stonewall’s research into hate crime in the UK here.

But many people go out on the gay scene regularly and don’t experience homophobic hate crime, so don’t be frightened into not going out and living your life.

The advice I’d give for staying safe would be the same advice I’d give to anyone going out after dark, whetever age they might be:

• Take it easy with the booze. There’s no need to get so drunk that you can barely stand. It’s dangerous in terms of health and makes you an easy target for someone looking for trouble. We have a real drinking culture in the UK, where people go out at the weekend with the intension of being so drunk that they can’t remember what happened the next day. It’s really stupid when you think about it. If you switch to soft drinks before you get to the point you feel unwell, you’ll have a better and safer night out. Better still, alternate a soft drink with each alcoholic drink you have, rather than taking in a lot of alcohol quickly. It doesn’t mean you can’t get a bit drunk and have a laugh, but there’s a line people cross where they are in danger in terms of their health and personal safety. Stay on the right side of consciousness and you can make better decisions, be more alert and be better able to protect yourself if the need arises.
• When travelling to a venue and leaving at the end of the night (especially on these dark autumn and winter nights) go with at least one other person. A group is ever better. If you have to travel alone, consider a taxi. Avoid dark alleys and shortcuts. Stick to well-lit main routes where there are invariably other people around, a police presence and CCTV cameras. If you think you’re being followed, head back to a busy area and grab a taxi or call someone to pick you up. When you walk home, have your house keys ready in a pocket so that you don’t have to rummage in bags for ages when you get near your front door.
• Don’t walk about with iPhones and other expensive portable devices being waved around. Be discrete with them and keep them in your pocket when not in use. Don’t listen to portable music players when travelling to and from the pub/club. You won’t be able to hear what’s going on around you and if someone is approaching.
• If you feel in danger, if someone is threatening you or your friends, or if you’ve experienced hate crime, call the police. It might not always be possible to grab your phone and make a call when in danger, so shout for help and try to attract attension.
• Above all, don’t be clueless! Use common sense and go with your instincts. Being drunk, stumbling around alone in the street and forgetting where you’ve put your house keys make you an easy target for someone with a chip on their shoulder. Stay in control, stay in a group, be alert and aware of what’s happening around you. Look out for your friends who’ve perhaps had a few too many. Though it’s not always possible to avoid trouble if some homophobic idiot is determined enough to find it, try to do everything you can to ensure that you’re not in a dangerous situation in the first place.

Most people are just looking to have a good, hassle-free night out, just like you. But clearly there are people who think it’s acceptable to verbally and physically attack gay people, so it’s important to take care of yourself.

Hi Matt,

Statistically, roughly 250 (10%) of your 2,500 students are gay, with more on top of that who are bisexual, and then more on top of that who occasionally have same-sex relationships etc. So although it may feel like it sometimes, you are far from being alone in your sexuality. But not everyone is as open about it, as comfortable and at peace with it as you are, or feels the need to make it known to the masses. Indeed, much like you in school, when I walk down the street on my way to work I really have no idea about the lives of anyone I see. People don’t usually wear an “I am gay” t-shirts, just as they wouldn’t wear “I’m a single mother who enjoy the piano” or “I like video games but worry a lot about my parents marriage” or “my gran’s unwell again, and I have debt problems” etc. But everyone’s got their worries and issues, and a good number of them have sexuality stuff going on.

Your desire to have a partner is completely normal, as is that little sting of loneliness when you see a guy you like that you know you can’t be close to. It’s crappy, but it’s life. But you know, it’s not straightforward for most people to find a partner who’s right for them. I know it must seem as though straight people have it easy and just pair up with someone like it’s a birth right, but finding a soulmate, someone you really connect with and can have a loving, long-term relationship with is a precious and rarer thing than you might think. A lot of people get into relationships with people who aren’t right for them because they don’t want to be alone. Look at how many marriages don’t work out (I think it’s 40-50% marriage breakup in the US with similarly depressing statistics here in the UK), so it’s important to choose your partner wisely and not rush into something because you’re lonely. Gay or straight, good relationships don’t grow on trees, but they are out there.

You can’t really ‘go looking’ as such. If your school doesn’t have a gay social group, and as so few people are openly gay, you’d need to be a real detective to find a gay person, never mind one that you’d get along with. I’ve been told that the best way to find someone is to simply not look. If you are hungry to find someone and look too hard, that’s when you tent to settle for just anyone who comes along and seems half nice. Better to spend time with friends, do the things you like doing, enjoy life and see what and who comes into it. Having a positive attitude, embracing social opportunities (parties, days out, school clubs etc.) and just showing how wonderful you are to the world is a great way to attract good people into your life; new friends and potential partners. If you plan on college or university, you’ll likely find that they have a gay social group, fund raising or organisation, so you could meet gay people through that.

I know it’s hard to be patient when you’d like to be with someone, but the right man is worth the wait. The more you embrace life and the opportunities it presents, the more likely you are to stumble upon someone who has the same good attitude and similar interests to yourself.

Hi Tom,

It is illegal in the UK to have sex under the age of 16, heterosexual and homosexual. The law is there to protect young people from sexual relationships before they are ready or can make informed, adult decisons about their own wellbeing. I have to say that your email has left me very concerned for you.

• Where are your parents in all this? Do they know you are living with a 25 year old man and have a romantic, possibly sexual relationship with him? I know for a fact that my parents would have called the police if it was me at your age, deeply concerned for my safety and wellbeing. This would be a completely acceptable and understandable reaction for a responsible parent to have, and I’d have thanked them when I was old enough to understand.
• Officially, your boyfriend is a paedophile, whether you have had sexual contact with him or not. He’s a 25 year old man who wants to have sex with a 12 year old child, presumably in an ongoing basis as you live together. He could be arrested and even go to prison.
• I’m wondering how the two of you even met in the first place, since I image that you mix with other children in and out of school, and 25 year olds usually seek the company of people of the same age because they are similarly mature and have a similar outlook. The fact that you were both situated to start a relationship in the first place is unusual and odd, and I wonder how the people around you (parents, teachers etc.) failed to notice the company you were keeping, how they reacted or didn’t, and how they failed to at least talk to you about it and offer you guidance. As I said earlier, I'd be surprised if any good parent didn't do a heck of a lot more than talk to you.
• Perhaps you are in love with him, but you must understand that it’s very strange for a 25 year old man to pursue a child romantically and sexually and invite him to share a home. Whether you have been through puberty and feel like a young man, ready for adult relationships or not isn’t the point - this situation is not emotionally, mentally or physically right for you.
• Does your boyfriend openly introduce you to his friends and family as his partner (and what do these adults say?), or are there lies in place to explain your presence? Lies and secrecy aren’t a good basis for a healthy relationship and should tell you that something is very wrong here.

For goodness sake, make contact with your parents and go home. If relations with them aren’t so good, speak to a teacher, stay with a friend or relative. You need time away from this grown man who’s asking you for sex. Please don’t make the mistake of going along with what he wants in order to please him or in hope of keeping him interested. Perhaps when you're older - when you are no longer a child - he'll lose interest and want another child to replace you? The fact that you've written to me shows that you have doubts, so slow down and look deeply at your situation and at this guy. Think about what you want and need.

He’s a man with life experience; supposed mental and emotional maturity that you’ve yet to gain. No matter how he feels about you he should have done the right thing and left well alone. It's simply not acceptable for him to indulge the urges he seems to have.

If he’s the one for you, he’ll wait until you are older. I can’t say whether he’ll lose interest if there’s no sex on offer, but it’s a sure way to find out if he’s really captivated by you specifically as a person, and that you’re both simply victims of very bad timing.

The whole thing rings loud alarm bells in my head and I urge you to talk to an adult and get some advice and support today, not to mention somewhere to stay without the sexual advances of a grown man.