Problem page archive: January 2010

Hi Matt,

Going through puberty quite earlier must be really tough. Your body changing and powerful sexual feelings to deal with, when a lot of people around you haven’t started changing yet. Although your body is in a rush to grow up, it doesn’t mean that you have to handle every dilemma and adult problem today. There’s no rush to come out (tell people that you are gay), so calm down, don’t panic and think about the facts:

• You find men sexually attractive, and you have already accepted that you are gay. This is a big step and you’ve actually handled it very well, even if you feel scared.
• It’s sad that your parents think gay people are sick weirdos. They are wrong. Most gay people are just like you: regular nice people who just happen to find members of their own sex attractive instead of people of the opposite sex. It’s actually not really all that different, and it’s usually the people who aren’t gay (or the ones who can’t accept it) who make life tougher for gay people who just want to get on with their lives peacefully. There’s no rush to come out you your parents, especially if this is the sort of attitude they have.
• You can’t change your sexuality. A lot of young gay people might try to find people of the opposite sex attractive, but it’s not something you can make happen. You’re either straight or bisexual, and therefore capable of getting turned on by woman, or you are gay. It’s much better to learn to accept who you are instead of trying to be something else.
• I think the best way anyone can be happy in the time they have is to like who they are and be proud of it, even if some people they meet might tell us that we’re bad or wrong. There are a lot of people out there who will love you for who you are and not thank you for pretending to be something else.
• Your brother was right when he said it was bad to cover up your emotions. Do you have someone to talk to? A good friend? Maybe a relative or teacher you can trust? It usually helps to talk to someone about your feelings and worries and work out ways you might make things better. You may also like to chat on the forum here where you’ll find other people of your age who are in similar situations, or have already been through a lot of what you’re facing.

Take one day at a time, Matt, and don’t be too hard on yourself. I think you’re doing fine, and things will make more sense as time goes by. Remember, this time of life is tough for everyone, even straight kids, with a lot of powerful emotion, new sexual feelings, and rapid bodily changes. You are far from being alone, though it might feel a bit lonely because people often don’t talk about the tough things they’re going through.

Hi James,

There’s certainly nothing wrong with being different. At school, people naturally want to fit in and sometimes this can mean that they end up copying the behaviour of people they feel are popular or cool. This isn’t always a good thing, since other people might be bullies or behave badly in some way. Being brave enough to be different, even if it means that you don’t always fit in, is a good thing. And remember, avoiding violence and being a peace maker doesn’t mark you out as being gay. It marks you out as being a decent, thoughtful person.

I think maybe your Gran suspects that you might be gay, or she wouldn’t have mentioned that she’d be supportive if you were. I think it’s wonderful that she’s extended her support like this, and I think that in a way she was also telling you that it’s okay to confide in her and talk if you need to, but she clearly wanted you do talk when you felt ready. Perhaps you should open up to her and tell her the things you’re telling me, or maybe talk to your Mum. It really helps to have someone to talk to about your worries and to find solutions to problems.

Try not to worry too much about how your Dad will handle it. Nobody is telling you to tell the world about your sexuality, so you can leave that worry for another day. Start by confiding in people who you know will be supportive, and build up your confidence from there.

Hi Em,

I think being drunk allowed you to find the confidence to open up about your sexuality, and I think that deep down you wanted to tell people and seek their acceptance. Getting drunk isn’t a good thing to do from a health and safety point of view, but the whole ‘the drink made me do it!’ thing that a lot of people use is a bit of a myth. More realistically, drink allows our secrets and repressed desires to come out much more easily. I’m pleased it worked out for you, but it’s best to be sober when talking about anything important and personal.

When it comes to bisexuality, it’s true that some people are suspicious. In the gay community some people feel that ‘bisexual’ is a convenient term for someone who is cowardly about coming out as gay. People often say that coming out as bisexual isn’t as difficult as coming out as gay, since the parents can still hold onto the hope of grandchildren and can tell themselves that their son or daughter may ‘still be normal’ in the end. A bisexual man  or woman may be treated with caution because the gay people they date may worry that they’ll be used for a bit of fun before he or she goes off to find an opposite-sex partner and settle down conform and make babies, leaving them stranded after given them perhaps years of their lives. These are stereotypes held by some, but certainly not all.

The facts are that few bisexual people say they feel attracted to both sexes equally, so this idea of them wanting everyone they see in the street just isn’t true. Often you find that a bisexual person is more drawn to one sex than another, though this can change as time does by, and depending on the people who come into your life and whether they push your buttons or not. Also, if you are in a relationship with a bisexual person, it’s the same as being with a straight or gay person when it comes to loyalty. If the bisexual partner is committed to you, then it doesn’t matter who they think is attractive in a nightclub. Bisexual people aren’t more likely to be cheaters. Loyalty and trust are in a person’s personality, not their sexuality.

Your boyfriend’s attitude about the threesome highlights another stereotype, that bisexual people are sexually a bit wild and up for anything, or even ‘greedy’ sexually, wanting both sexes. This is rubbish. Clearly you’re with this man because you want to be with him and nobody else, and he was deeply insensitive to suggest inviting someone else into the bedroom. So yes, it’s completely understandable that you were angry with him. The saying goes, ‘many a true word is said in jest’ meaning a lot of people’s true feelings are hidden by humour. Perhaps his remark was more about what he wants sexually than about making you more fulfilled. Then again, it may well have been the childish remark of someone who’s trying to get his head round the sexuality issue that has been raised. Perhaps he’s worried about losing you, which links back to the stereotype of the unfaithful bisexual. Have a good chat to him, and bring into it some of what I’ve discussed here.

Bisexuality is a bit misunderstood, even by some gay people, but there’s a hell of a lot of people out there who have feelings for both sexes to one extent or another, whether it’s the occasional same-sex crush or a more regular thing. It’s definitely a topic I’ll be covering more deeply on the site this year.

Hi Ron,

In fact you already have the answer you need here. You’ve said that you aren’t physically attracted to these girls you like, and indeed girls generally. Guys push your buttons physically (sexually) and girls don’t. So you are gay, Ron, and coming out to your friend seems to have been the right thing to do.

A lot of people write to me saying that they aren’t sure if they are gay or not, but then also tell me that they have no sexual interest in the opposite sex. I think people have a tendency to over analyse their thoughts and feelings, when the truth is right there in front of them. Liking girls (i.e. friendship, close or otherwise) is not the same thing as lusting after and falling in love with a man. You know how you feel. I think we can all do ourselves a favour at times and just listen to the very plain and obvious information our minds and bodies are giving us and not ignore or look around it, as if we're expecting some other truth to be hidden somewhere. If you were attracted physically/sexually to woman as well as men, you’d know about it.

Hi Musicalrockfairy,

I think what you’re describing – in terms of your feelings and attractions changing over time - is completely normal. Even for someone who isn’t bisexual, interest in different people comes and goes. You might think one person is amazing, but then as time goes by you may lose interest and find your attention drawn in new directions. I think it’s our way of coping with the fact that a lot of people we see around and find attractive, we can’t actually be with. So our emotions (and let’s face it, sexual interest) latches onto different people, in the hope that eventually we’ll spot someone who likes us in return, at which point those feelings focus on that one person and become more settled (though not for everyone!).

In your case there’s a bit more going on. It's not unusual for bisexuals to feel more attracted to one sex than another, but you seem very keen to want to like guys, though clearly the bigger part of you is drawn toward woman. Of course I believe you when you say that sometimes you meet guys that you find attractive – or at least appealing in some way - but it sounds as though you’re almost trying to feel something for guys because you don’t want to be a lesbian, and that you’re confusing the relief and happiness of meeting a nice guy with stronger, more romantic feelings – a kind of “Thank god, I quite like this guy! I’m not really a lesbian,” reaction.

You really can’t change your sexuality, and certainly can’t force yourself to be interested in someone who you don’t feel anything real for.

I think the best thing to do is not obsess about this. As I was saying in another letter this week, we can tend to over analyse our feelings and second-guess very plain and obvious information our minds and bodies are giving us. If you feel sexually and romantically drawn toward both men and women, then great, but if women push your buttons and guys are just kind of nice, then don’t try to force yourself in a direction that isn’t working for you.

You have to work as seeing that being with a man or woman are equally neutral (i.e. neither is good or bad in itself), and either can make a person happy. With that acceptance, you can then listen to your feelings and go in the direction they’re pulling you. Unless you see either option as valid, you’re going to try to make decisions around your sexuality that aren’t completely honest and true to yourself.

Hi Dylan,

Not everyone is as comfortable with their sexuality and who they are as you are, and also it’s worth pointing out that not everyone is sure of their sexuality as such a young age. The body, sexual awareness and emotional maturity, develop at different times, and it seems that this friend of yours is simply not at the same stage as you are and needs more time to work out what he is and what he wants.

Perhaps he isn’t gay, and was just unsure in the past when you 'experimented', or perhaps he is gay and just not ready to come out as such. Maybe his family are very anti-gay, or perhaps he isn’t as confident as you are. There could be many reasons he’s choosing to brush you off on the topic. Nobody has the right to force someone else out of the closet (to reveal their sexuality to others), so I think you need to back off a little and drop the subject for now. You may be in danger of losing the friendship if he feels he’s being pushed. The best thing you can do is be an inspiration to him as a happy, confident young gay man who's a good friend. If and when he needs to talk about his sexuality, he’ll do so, but in his own time. I know you must feel a bit lonely and would love him to be completely on your side, but you have to be patient.

It’s a shame that your other friend laughed when you told her about your crush, but again, at 13, some of your classmates aren’t going to be as mature as you. I know when I was 14 and some people at school found out I was gay, it was generally a topic used for laughs because people didn't understand homosexuality or had even met a gay person before. They were both fascinated and embarrassed about it. Be patient with people and explain that you find it a hurtful when they laugh about your feelings.

I understand that you must feel frustrated and wish everyone would just grow up and meet you at your level, but there’s no rush, Dylan. Enjoy the friends you have and be forgiving of their faults. It’s also important to remember that there’s much more to life than your sexuality. Don’t let it define you or prompt all the decisions you make and drive everything you do. It’s only a part of your life.

Hi David,

I think probably both your Mum and Dad would be fine with you coming out, as they’ve already both said as much.

But I can understand why you might be confused by the mixed messages your Mum sometimes gives. Even people who have nothing against gay people, still tend to feel that being heterosexual is the preferred way to be, that it offers the least complicated lifestyle that more likely guarantees happiness and success. Of course, gay people can be happy and successful, and it tends to be the actions of others that can make life hard for homosexual people. Your Mum lost a gay friend to AIDS, so she may be worried about the safety and health of a gay child of hers. You can read more about HIV and AIDS here but I will say that it’s not a gay disease, and it’s something everyone is able to protect themselves from by practising safe sex.

I think when you decide to come out, it would be a good idea to be well prepared for a big discussion with your Mum where she’ll have the opportunity to say how she truly feels and what her worries are. Use the website to help with answers. I think she needs to know that even though you are gay, you are happy, and in no more danger than anyone else, and that you’ll be careful and sensible when you decide to have a physical relationship one day.

Hi Andrei,

I don’t think you need to worry about your photo on a gay dating website. I say this for the simple reason that anyone seeing you on such a website is gay too and likely just as worried about being exposed, possibly even more so depending on their situation. Also, many thousands of people sign up to these sites from all over the world, and there may only be a handful that are very local to you. Also, generally only members can see your profile on dating-type sites (or there are settings to ensure so), which further protects your details from being casually browsed. The chances of someone finding your profile who lives nearby are reasonably high if they do a search, but the chances of a gay man recognising you in the street and shouting out about it are incredible slim. Besides, the whole point of such websites is that they allow you to meet guys who live within sensible travelling distance, so you really can’t use the site to its fullest while withholding vital information and photos from someone who might be interested if they knew more about you.

I think most people on these sites value the sort of privacy and discretion that you do and don’t want their private lives being made public. It would be a shame if you didn’t meet someone nice because you’d been afraid of something that very likely won’t happen.

Hi David,

I think for now you need to be a little patient with your boyfriend, and it sounds like you already are. Maybe he isn’t as brave as you, or perhaps his family and friends are less understanding than yours etc. He obviously has reasons to delay coming out at this time. It’s also worth remembering that not everyone is comfortable with public displays of affection, even if that person is out and comfortable being gay. So don’t use holding hands as any kind of real measure of your boyfriend’s feelings toward you.

However, looking to the long term, it is important that you hold onto your standards and receive the respect that you deserve.

If you’re having to lie to his friends and family to cover the relationship up, or having to pretend that you aren’t a couple when you’re around certain people, then this may prove very wearing and too high a price to pay in the long term. I’m not saying your man is treating you badly, but someone has to be pretty special to want to compromise yourself quite a bit for. Perhaps one day you’ll live together, and then do you tell everyone that he’s your flatmate? What happens when his family visit and there’s only one double bed? Do you decorate a fake extra bedroom to throw them off the scent? What about photos of you together on the shelf, letters addressed to Mr and Mr lying on the kitchen table, tell-tale signs of two people in love? Would you hide them from people when they come round? Make them wait at the front door while you hide everything? What do you say when someone asks if you are a couple? Do you tell your friends the truth, but hide it from his? How do you stop the two sets of friends from talking to each other, maybe just bumping into each other in town and chatting about you both? It’s worth taking a glimpse into the future and thinking about what’s acceptable in your life and where you would draw the line. As long as you are happy, then great. If you start to feel as if your feelings and needs are coming in at second place, then it’s time to raise the issue.

Support him, be patient and gentle, and hopefully he’ll find the courage he needs to come out, making your life together much easier and the relationship more likely to last. But make sure you don’t end up ignoring your own needs in order to keep his secret.

Hi Ben,

I can put your mind at ease by saying that I doubt very much that parents sit around at home imagining what their son or daughter gets up to in bed, no matter whether their child is straight or gay.

Imagine how you feel when you think about your Mum and Dad getting it on – it probably makes you say “Eek!” and feel a bit grossed out. It’s the same for them. Parents are protective of their children and it can be hard for a parent to think of their child as a sexually active adult, but this is an adjustment that parents have to go through as their kids get older and get into relationships.

When you come out to your family, they may have questions and concerns, but I doubt very much that the first thing that springs into their minds is graphic visions of you getting intimate with a man and the various technicalities of male same-sex sex!

For advice on coming out, please see my Coming out section.

Hi Someone,

Firstly, being gay is not the problem here. The problem is how a group of people feel it’s acceptable to bully you because they feel you are different in some way. Another problem is your lack of confidence and self-worth because of the way you are treated by these bullies. Being gay would never be a problem again for any gay person on this planet if other people stopped being bullies and bigots. I truly believe that if we all woke up straight tomorrow, it would create more upset and confusion than working to make life better as we are. I do think it’s an important first step to realise that being gay isn’t this awful curse that makes life terrible; it’s how other people react to it that can be the problem. You’ve seen that some gay guys in school are open about it and happy with who they are, but they’re actually no different to you: young gay men wanting to be accepted, find love and be happy. It’s just that some people are more confident and sure of themselves than others, and of course, some people simply don’t get targeted by bullies and have no idea what it’s like to feel victimised on a daily basis.

Please don’t think that no other gay person has problems because of their sexuality. This website and many others exist because people have problems like the ones you’ve described. Read other letters on the problem page and you’ll see that you certainly aren’t alone and your problems aren’t unusual.

When you’re feeling very low it’s hard to even work out a first step toward feeling better, but I think you know that things have to change.

You are clearly depressed and also seem to be developing an eating disorder. These are two medical problems that you need advice, support and treatment for. You can’t hide these problems away and hope they will get better on their own.

You mentioned a school counsellor and say that you know her very well. I really think you need to talk to her. You also say that you think your family would actually be okay about you being gay and that they have gay friends. I suspect that if you reach out for support from the counsellor and your parents you would completely transform your situation.

I know it’s hard to open up for the first time, but I guarantee that you’ll start feeling better the moment that you do. Let the people who care about you help you. I bet your family would be really worried and anxious to help if they had a clue what was going on in your life. Talking about how you feel will help you clear your head and begin to find answers rather than being buried under the problems.

Your counsellor will be able to recommend the best course of action in terms of your health and the bullying. Combined with the support at home, life will start to improve.

Remember that you aren’t a freak, you’ve done nothing wrong, and you can be happy. Please talk to someone as soon as possible and start the journey to feeling better and enjoying life.

Please also check out my Looking after your mental health and How to deal with bullying sections for more advice and ideas.