Problem page archive: June and July 2009

Hi Megan,

I suspect that your parents went off at the deep end after catching you and your girlfriend kissing. They probably said and did a lot of things in those first few days after that they didn’t think through properly or really mean.

Rationally, they know that they can’t stop you going to college, and effectively, gaining an education. They can’t keep you a prisoner in the home Where would that end? They can’t stop you leaving home or getting a job, and for that matter, they can’t stop you being romantically involved with the person of your choice. You’re considered an adult at 18 and that means you can pretty much do whatever you like. I expect your parents, like many, believe that being straight is the only natural, proper way to be happy and have a normal life, and I also imagine that they blame your girlfriend for somehow leading you astray or altering you. They probably think that shutting you away will get you back to normal.

Don’t try to force your parents to accept your sexuality or your girlfriend, as this is the wrong time to do so (perhaps wait until you are living in your own place). Calmly explain to them that they can’t realistically stop you going to college, and ask them if they want your future success to be compromised. I doubt they do. Focus on getting your freedom back with calm, considered talking. Avoid getting into arguments or pushing issues they clearly aren’t ready to accept at the moment. And be more discrete with your girlfriend in the future. See her away from the family home and be sure of your privacy.

Hi Tamsyn,

It’s important to remember that you are in complete control of your actions. You don’t have to worry about stalking this girl or acting inappropriately and losing her as a friend, because you can simply decide that you won’t behave in that way. Your experiencing powerful emotions and physical yearnings that aren’t easy to deal with, but they are just feelings and you still get to decide what you do with them.

It’s hard when you are really into someone who isn’t interested in you too. In the case of a gay or lesbian person being in love with a straight friend, I think the best thing to do is to make the most of what you have. Friendship isn’t a poor second to a relationship. You know they if you try to push your romantic feelings, the friendship may suffer. This girl knows you like her, but she’s still your friend. So she accepts you and clearly values the friendship. These are good things.

Getting over someone takes time, but it will happen. It’s important to help the process along by spending time with other friends and doing things you enjoy that take your mind off your worries. So if you’ve been neglecting other people you used to spend time with, or you’re not involved as much in a hobby or interest, make sure you direct some of your energy in their direction. Spending all your time with this girl or sitting around thinking about her will just prevent you from moving on. You may even find that a little space between you might help for a while.

Remind yourself:

• These intense feelings are normal and everyone has them at some point
• Falling for someone you can’t have is part of life. It happens to everyone, whether the person they like is the ‘wrong’ sexuality, they’re already with someone, or they’re simply not interested
• You can’t be with this girl because she’s straight. It’s a bummer, but it’s the way things are, so it’s pointless getting yourself down about it
• Someday you’ll meet someone who feels the same way about you and it’ll be amazing

Hi Elizabeth,

It’s not fair of your ex girlfriend to say that a part of her still loves you, because this gives you hope and leaves you waiting around for her. You said yourself that you can see how happy she is with her new partner, so it doesn’t sound as though they’re going to break up.

It’s important to remember that you must have broken up for a reason. Perhaps things weren’t working out, perhaps circumstances changed, or maybe someone cheated etc. – but there was a reason. If things had been right, you’d still be together. If she came back to you now, would the old problems vanish? They rarely do.

Your ex has moved on, and I think you should too. I know it’s painful and you miss her, but feeling this way won’t change anything or bring her back. Like I said to Tamsyn, getting over someone can be helped by spending time with friends and getting involved in hobbies and interests. Call a friend you haven’t spoken to for a while, pick up a hobby you have neglected, look into other interests that you haven’t yet explored, learn a new skill, take up a sport of fitness activity. All of these things take your mind off your pain, build confidence, increase happiness, help you meet new people, shift your focus onto more positive things. At the moment you’re in limbo, waiting around for your ex, so you need to start living again.

Hi Ian,

We all grow up with a certain lifestyle being promoted. The media presents sexy, good-looking, healthy people in heterosexual relationships being very cool, confident and successful. TV ads feature products to facilitate this ‘ideal’, with family cars (with room for the kids and the family dog), family holidays (with the wife and kids building sandcastles on the beach), food products for the family meal with mum and dad, cosmetic and body care products to aid a person in their quest for attracting an opposite-sex mate etc.

In school, if you have sex and relationship education, you’ll likely find that anything other than heterosexual relationships simply aren’t mentioned. In the church you usually find anti-gay and pro-straight sentiments.

So it’s easy to feel excluded and ignored in a world that’s designed for and promotes heterosexuals. Still, I’ve met very few straight people who resemble the perfect families presented on TV, and ultimately, you have to be brave enough to do your own thing and know that alternatives to the perceived norm are just as valid. Married with two kids and a dog isn’t something that suits many people, gay or straight, and nobody is forcing you to do anything. At 26 you are more than old enough to find your own path and seek out the things that make you happy.

Stop worrying about what other people are doing – or what you think other people are doing - and think about what you want to do.

Hi Sophie,

It sounds like you’re ready to come out and have found that strength and self-assuredness. But people reach that stage at different times, and some never reach it at all. Your girlfriend is not as sure of herself as you are and she doesn’t sound ready to come out. The situation isn’t helped by the fact that your relationship is long distance. If she comes out, she’d be doing it alone, and it may be something she just doesn’t feel the need to do. After all, her sexuality isn’t really relevant when you aren’t nearby to be explained to people.

Tell your girlfriend that you want to come out, and that part of that is telling people that you are together. If she is not comfortable with that, perhaps you might want to come out and leave the details of your relationship for another time. Ultimately, you have to decide whether you are prepared to be patient and come out on her terms, or perhaps not at all, in order to continue with the relationship. It’s not really fair of her to ask you to stay in the closet to make life easier for her, but if you think there’s light at the end of the tunnel than perhaps it’s a temporary sacrifice that would be acceptable to you.

Do you mind being her secret? How long are you prepared to live like that? Is this relationship causing you to compromise yourself more than you’d like? Are you happy?

Hi Gary,

It’s tricky for someone of your age to meet genuine guys online who want a relationship. There aren’t any website, that I know of, that cater for guys under 18s who want to meet a boyfriend, and going to bars and pubs isn’t an option either.

There’s nothing wrong with finding older men attractive, but I have to point out that you’d be a dream come true to a lot of 30-40-somethings who’d love a very young guy in their bed, regardless of whether you are under the age of consent or not. You don’t want to end up as someone’s plaything. I’d be very wary of a 30-40 year old man who’d happily date a 15 year old, and I’d suspect that their main interest was under the duvet.

Still, you are right: there are nice people out there and of course, not all older men are out to prey on teens.

I suggest that you join in with forums like the one on this website and chat to other young gay people. When you are a little older, you can get involved in gay social groups and events at college and/or university. When you are older still, you can join online dating sites like www.outintheuk.com and go to gay venues.

If you’re lonely, spend time with friends and meet new people through them. Get involved in school clubs and activities. Don’t be in a rush because that’s a quick way to get involved with the wrong guy. Be smart and look after yourself.