Hi Anne,

It’s only natural to be scared of how others might react to coming out, and most people feel the same way. You can only guess how people will handle it, but guesswork can be based on facts and firm evidence. Think about how friends have handled other situations where you’ve needed support or they’ve been faced with something that’s fallen outside of their ‘comfort zone’ (i.e. things they don’t usually have to deal with). Have they been there for you when you’ve needed them, or do they tend to make themselves less available until you’ve resolved troubles on your own? Perhaps some friends are more supportive than others, so you can adjust your expectations of them before you even attempt to come out those particular friends. Think about how your friends have reacted to the subject of homosexuality in general conversation. Are they mature and open minded about it or are they negative and hostile? Thinking about these things can help you prepare for various reactions when coming out, but it’s worth remembering that you can never be 100% sure of someone’s reaction and often people surprise us, either in a good or bad way. It’s great that you have come out to some friends already, so why not discuss this with them? Perhaps they have ideas about how other friends might react, and be able to offer support either way.

Read the Coming out section for much more advice and tips.

Hi Alex,

I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. You are intelligent, self-aware and sensitive, and understand very well what the problems are here. You’ve already completed half the journey to solving them.

Like a lot of people, growing up in a ‘straight world’ you feel ad odds with your sexuality. You find it tough to see a life where you can be true to yourself, openly gay and still be happy. But you can. You’re at an age now where you are in control of your life and can make big decisions and changes. If things aren’t the way you want them to be, make a plan and start changing things. I don’t know if you are employed or at uni etc. but you are not a child and are not bound by your parents rules. If you find the home environment is homophobic or makes you feel trapped or oppressed, then think about sharing a house with friends or moving out on your own.

Often when we feel very low on and lacking in self esteem we can see things in a warped and very negative way. Perhaps your family and friends would be more receptive than you think to your being gay. Offhand remarks don’t always indicate that a person is truly homophobic, but rather a little insensitive and completely clueless about your sexuality.

Start by focussing on getting to like and value yourself more. Don’t worry about relationships at the moment. It’s very hard to have a relationship with someone when you are crippled by low self confidence and various issues. You are a very young man and have plenty of time for relationships; you haven’t missed the chance in any sense. It’s worth spending time on yourself first so that you’re more receptive to a relationship when it comes along.

Read the Looking after your mental health section. I give lots of advice and tips on building self confidence and dealing with the negative thought patters that keep you feeling low and doubting yourself.

I used to find it very hard letting people touch and hug me. But with time I grew to feel comfortable with it and really enjoy it. You can too. Try not to focus too much on it and just relax with friends and don’t over analyse things. As you learn to like yourself more you will find it easier to accept the affections of others. It might be a cliché but in order to be loved by others you need to love yourself. i.e. it’s hard to let someone hug you and show you love when you think you’re not worth it. When I was 21 I never thought I’d be able to kiss someone, let alone have sex, and if someone said, ‘I love you’, I’d say, ‘Why?’!. But I’ve overcome that, and so can you.

A plan to moving your life in a more positive direction might look like this:

• Get out and about more to build confidence. Go out with friends, join an evening class or social group (gay or otherwise), pursue a hobby or interest. The more you expose yourself to the world, the more confident you’ll become as you see it’s not all bad, there are good people and worthwhile things to do, opportunities to be liked and valued and to change the way you see yourself.
• Think about your living situation. Would you be better in your own place or sharing with friends? If you don’t have friends who are looking for a house-mate, look at house-shares in the local papers. Perhaps this is the time to really fly the nest and move to another town or somewhere you’ve always liked the look of. A fresh start is sometimes the best way to kick-start your life.
• Get to know gay men online. Try a site like www.outintheuk.com You can swap messages with guys you like the sound of. Use it to make friends or maybe more in the future.
• What about education and career? Are you doing what you want to do? Would more education be beneficial? Are you happy at work? Review your situation and think about making changes if you’re not satisfied and happy. A job is another part of life that can add to your confidence, so ask yourself if your current role feels worthwhile.
• Think about coming out to a close friend. You’d then have someone to talk to about all this and share ideas with. A bit of support goes a long way.

All these points amount to the same thing: start living. You have to ‘live’ to feel better. Sitting at home feeling miserable and sticking to safe routines and habits is not living. It takes time to feel better and more comfortable within yourself, so don’t think you’ve been defeated if you’re not Mr Confident by the end of next week. Be proactive and make changes. Start now!

Hi Rajib,

It’s sad that homosexuality is still illegal in India, and society generally tends to deny its existence. Although have been no arrests in 20 years (though some disagree), in theory a gay person could go to prison. There are an estimated 70-100 million gay, bisexual and transgendered people in India, and they largely conduct socialising and relationships underground; they hide their sexuality in most areas of their lives (at work and with family), but have same-sex relationships in secret). Many gay men and women in India fulfil their obligation to marry and have children – very important in Indian society – while secretly having same-sex relationships outside the marriage. Things are changing slowly: there were Gay Pride marches in India last year.

It sounds like your Mother has the potential to be very understanding and may well come to accept your sexuality. You are the best judge of this, as you know her better than anyone. It sounds like you are very close, especially since it’s just you and your mother that forms the family unit. I understand your desire to tell your mother and share you happiness about your boyfriend, so perhaps now is the time. In terms of coming out to the larger family and to society, I would recommend extreme caution based on the facts I outlined in the opening paragraph. Becoming openly gay in India is something you need to think very hard about. Perhaps coming out to select people who you trust is a better, safer option.

I know it’s tough and there’s no easy answers when homosexuality is illegal and societal opinions are predominantly negative, but try to think about way you can be with your boyfriend while avoiding the negativity that society might bring.

Hi Alex,

Please read the sex bit in the Relationships and sex section, and also this sex myth at Gay myths and stereotypes.

Sex shouldn’t be painful or unpleasant in any way. Sex should be pleasurable and fun for both people taking part. You should both only do what you feel comfortable with.

I expect you are referring to anal sex between two men. It’s true that this is potentially painful, but not if both people want to do it, and take it slowly and safely (using condoms and lubricant like KY Jelly, available from chemists). Remember, do it if you want to, but don’t bother if you don’t. There are no rules about what you should do in bed, nor what ‘role’ you take (i.e. active or passive, to penetrate or to be penetrated).

A lot of gay men don’t have anal sex, and do other things instead like oral sex, masturbation, touching and kissing. It’s really down to your personal preference and what turns you on.

Explore this links page for more information on sex.

Hi Megan,

Since you and your girlfriend are both out already it’s likely the news may travel to her sister, whether you also come out as a couple or not – I think that horse has bolted! I understand that coming out is one challenge, but that presenting people with a real same-sex relationship happening around them can cause fresh waves. Still, why is it important that your girlfriends sisters don’t find out? It sounds like you’re quite confidence – as is your girlfriend – and comfortable with yourself as a lesbian girl, so perhaps it’s time to take it a step further. I dare say that people suspect that you and your girlfriend are an item anyway and I doubt you are any more likely to be ‘found out’ than if you are simply known as a single lesbian instead of an attached one. It’s like you’ve told everyone that you like icecream and then you’ve become coy and secretive when people want to know your favourite flavour! Be proud of your girlfriend and treat her with respect (i.e. don’t pretend you don’t like her in order to feed other people’s expectations).

Hi Clive,

When you are lonely it can be very easy to start thinking that a partner would take that away and solve other problems. Being vulnerable like this can lead to getting involved and falling in love too quickly with the wrong person. You have every chance of meeting someone and having a wonderful, loving relationship, but I think rather than going in search of a wonderful chap to help you feel better – and possibly meeting anything but – you need to work on opening up to the people around you. It seems that your depression comes largely from feeling isolated and keeping your feelings bottled up and hidden from other people. This is normal, especially when being bullied, but it’s something that you need to try to get over. We all need the help of other people sometimes, and it’s no weakness or failing to reach out for support. You’re not expected to have all the answers. So start trying to be more open with your friends and family. It sounds like your coming out went okay with your Mum and Dad. I expect half the reason your sexuality hasn’t come up since is because you won’t speak about it. Mum’s and Dad’s can have a hard time knowing how to help, and if you’re quiet about things then that leaves them with little to go on. Talk to one or both of them. Talk to friends. Your family and friends might not have a magic solution to all your worries either, but I bet they can help you to feel better and more positive. Even just going out with a friend and doing something fun is going to lift your spirits and prevent you from sitting around at home, alone with your worries.

Please read my Looking after your mental health section. It will give you some ideas – as someone who is depressed – for moving forward.

I think as you open up to people and embrace and enjoy life more, you’ll get to the stage where you like yourself more and feel more able to cope. It’s at this point – where we like ourselves and feel more at peace within our lives – that we’re more receptive to relationships and better emotionally equipped to handle their ups and downs.

Hi Sam,

Firstly, please read my How to deal with bullying section which will give you solid foundation for moving forward. Bullying of any kind of not acceptable, and your school as a legal responsibility to protect you.

I do believe you that you knew you were gay from a very young age. A lot of people say the same thing, while others didn’t realise until much later; it’s different for everyone. I knew I was attracted to other men when I was 14, but I think I knew I was different from much earlier than that.

You need to deal with things in the right order: The first thing to deal with is the bullying. Once that’s been addressed, you can deal with Robert. Perhaps he’s not as homophobic as you think, since he’s sticking up for you against the bullies, or perhaps he doesn’t yet know that you are gay. He obviously cares about you and is willing to come under fire from the bullies in order to defend you. Perhaps that loyalty deserves more openness from you, and the truth about your sexuality.

You’re fortunate to have good supportive friends. Draw strength from that and get help with the bullying situation.

Hi Chris,

Real romantic, loving relationships are not defined by marriage or whether children can be produced.

Remember, some heterosexual couples can’t have children, and either adopt or simply accept biology and choose not to become parents. Are they any less of a couple? Is their love less real or powerful? Of course not. Let’s not forget that not all heterosexual couples choose to get married. Again, this doesn’t make their love any less real or valid.

Same sex couples experience the same intense romantic love that heterosexual couples do and can form lasting, committed, monogamous relationships. It’s all about people: some want love and monogamy, while some want to be single and enjoy casual sex. It’s just a case of meeting someone who wants the same things you do, which can be tricky whether you are gay, bi or straight.

Bullying affects the lives of many people, regardless of sexuality. In a loving relationships, couples support each other when facing issues like bullying and help each other to resolve problems. Outside worries can make life together harder, but a couple’s success boils down to how much effort they put in to the relationship.

A heterosexual relationship is not a guarantee of lasting love and happiness – just look at the divorce rate. Successful, lasting relationships require two people – of any sex - who want to be together, who love each other and are willing to put in the effort.

And put worries of dying alone out of your head - You’re 17! I’m sure you have friends and family, and there’s every chance you’ll meet someone to fall in love with too, whether male or female.

Hi John,

Your friend is being unfair and inappropriate. If you haven’t done so already, calmly explain to him that you do not want a sexual relationship with him, and ask that he respects you as a heterosexual man. I’m sure he has his own worries and frustrations, but it’s not fair to make you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. He needs to understand that you can provide friendship but he’ll have to look elsewhere for his sexual needs. If he won’t respect your wishes, you may have to distance yourself from him.

It’s also worth keeping in mind that as a gay man, your friend is going to be flirty with men and might be a bit sexual with his humour. So it might be the case that not everything this friend does is a genuine sexual move on you.

Hi Ben,

1. Firstly, bullying is bullying, whether it’s at school, work or home. Home should be a relaxing, safe environment, not somewhere you are on guard and worried about being hit. Talk to your brother and explain how he’s making you feel. Ask him to stop. If that doesn’t work, speak to your parents about how your brother is behaving. It doesn’t matter what reason he gives for picking on you – it’s not acceptable. Ultimately, he’ll have to deal with you being gay and his actions will determine what sort of relationship you have with each other.

2. It certainly seems likely that your friend is gay or bisexual and that his interest in you may extend beyond simple friendship. I talk about this in the Falling for someone section of the website. It sounds like you’re both too shy or cautious to make the first move, and since things won’t progress until one of you plucks up the courage – it may as well be you, Ben! Asking him outright if he is gay might freak him out, as it sounds like he’s denied it when other people have asked him. The best thing to do – and the hardest – is to come out to him. By doing this you are showing him that you trust him and that it’s safe for him to come out to you. At the very least I think you will find an understanding friend who won’t judge you and won’t tell other people. Potentially you may have a gay friend or even a boyfriend waiting to happen. But things can carry on as shy flirting for a very long time until you put things in motion.

Hi John,

There are several issues to deal with here:

• It’s really wrong to have a girlfriend if you are not romantically and sexually interested in her. Many gay men have ‘girlfriends’ as a cover story (i.e. to hide behind) but it’s a terrible way to treat someone. Even if she’s fooled, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re using her and playing with her feelings. You can be single and still hide your true sexuality if that’s what you want.
• Having a relationship – sexual or romantic – with someone of the same sex makes it hard to hide your sexuality. The person you are involved with has to be discreet and behave according to your rules. If you want to hide your sexuality but still have sexual contact with males, it’s wise to seek it outside of your immediate friendship circle/school etc. That way you can keep both parts of your life separate.
• If you are worried about being outted by guy you are involved with, speak to him and ask for his discretion. If he still chooses to tell other people, then there’s not a lot you can do about it, other than deny it and wait for the rumours to die down. When you enter into a relationship as a closeted gay person, you have to be very confident that your partner is willing to help you keep the secret.
• Gay people are a diverse group, and as likely to be into rugby as they are hairdressing. It’s being attracted to people of the same sex that makes you gay, not what activities you’re into. Read my Gay myths and stereotypes section.

Coming out is a personal choice, and it seems you certainly don’t want to do it yet. But I think you do need to look at your conduct. Hiding your sexuality can be a bit like lying; you have to tell more and bigger lies to cover up the ones you’ve already told. Having girlfriends, a secret male sexual partner and worrying about and avoiding stereotypes isn’t the path to happiness, John, and I think long term you’ll have to decide if what other people think of you is more important than being true to yourself and doing right by others.

Hi Dominick,

Firstly, it’s not okay to be hit by anyone, whether you recently considered the bully a friend or not. Read my Dealing with bullying section and be sure to seek help if this becomes an issue.

I talk about negative reactions to coming out in my Coming out section, so be sure to read this for advice.

It’s always hard and disappointing when your friends let you down. You have opened up about something deeply personal and important, and they’ve reacted in a hostile way. I know it’s upsetting, but it sounds like your friendships with your best friends are conditional. This means that the friendships only exist and function when certain conditions are met. Your best friends enjoy being such as long as you are heterosexual (or at the very least, undefined). Now that you have come out, they’ve decided that the friendship can’t carry on in the same way. This is very unfair because you haven’t changed or done anything wrong. In fact, you did something amazingly brave and trusting.

Let things die down a bit, give your friends time to digest the information. Try to tell them how you feel, perhaps by email if they aren’t easily approachable. Coming out does tend to separate the real friends from the conditional ones, and although it’s painful, it’s better to lose the bigots rather than pretend you are straight in order to keep them in your life.

Hi Rachael,

Your girlfriend really needs to open up and talk about how she’s feeling. Shutting you out is not going to help. Although how her family are behaving is very painful, your girlfriend needs to draw strength from what she has with you. You obviously love each other very much, and your relationship together made you brave enough to come out to your families. You both must have known that reactions weren’t guaranteed to be good, but you thought it was worth the risk anyway because you are proud of each other and not willing to hide each other away. Your girlfriend needs to remind herself of these things.

Your girlfriend’s family are behaving very badly, and she needs to realise this. She is not in the wrong here. She is being made to feel dreadful by the people who are supposed to love her and want happiness for her. Whether her family think being in a same-sex relationship is wrong or not, doesn’t justify their treatment of her. We all do things that other people don’t necessarily agree with, but love should be unconditional.

Your girlfriend has a choice, though it’s not much of one:

• Pretend that she is straight. Leave you. Play along as a straight person, doing whatever it takes to convince other people (including marriage and children, as a lot of closeted gay people do).
• Be brave as hell! Let you help her. Know that she’s done nothing wrong and it’s her family who are behaving badly here – not her. Seek happiness and love where she feels and knows instinctively it really is: with you. Be true to herself and surround herself with friends who accept her for who she is, not those who’d expect her to pretend that she’s someone else. See that losing a family who offer conditional love is not the same as losing a family who love regardless of sexuality.

It’s her family who are really missing out here. They’re losing a daughter, and they’ll realise when the dust has settled that they miss her and the reason she’s not around is because of their terrible behaviour. I’m not saying they won’t come around, but your girlfriend mustn’t sit around feeling miserable, waiting for their approval. She has to get on with her life.

I think my Looking after your mental health, Advice for parents and friends, and Coming out sections will be useful to you both.