Problem page archive: May 2009

Hi Evan,

I think you already have all the answers, but you just need to put them into some kind of order. Looking at the positive things we have here:

• Your friend trusts you enough to tell you something that’s very personal to him
• You don’t care about his sexuality
• You want to be a good friend to him and help him
• You care enough to write to me

Your friend is lucky to have you. Like a lot of young gay and bisexual people, he’s probably been feeling lonely, isolated and confused. By telling you about his sexuality he’s taken a massive step forward in terms of accepting himself and finding happiness. A lot of people choose to hide their sexuality indefinitely because they think they need to pretend to be straight to keep friends on their side and have a normal life. I’m sure your friend has had a tough time, and this is one of the reasons you’re worried now about being able to help and do the right thing.

Firstly, I suggest you read my Advice for parents and friends section, where I go into detail about the issues that arise once a friend or relative comes out, and suggest ways to handle it.

I think in your case you need to tell him pretty much what you’ve told me, and ask him what he needs. Don’t assume anything. I expect that he’d like to know that you accept him and don’t feel differently about him. I expect he’d also like you to carry on as before; enjoying the friendship and having fun together. Nothing really needs to change here. Just be the friend you were before he came out.

If he needs to talk, be there for him. You don’t have to offer him any miracle advice. He knows you aren’t an expert, and won’t be expecting you to rescue him from all his problems. Just listening to him will help. Point him in the direction of this website, show him your letter to me – anything to get you talking and understanding each others worries better.

He’s got a good friend in you, and there’s no need to stress over doing the right thing. You’re clearly doing that already.

Hi Andy,

I think your situation boils down to two options: you carry on being very close to this guy, and hope that he eventually becomes your boyfriend, or you distance yourself a little and try to get over him and maybe meet someone else when you feel ready.

I really don’t know if your friend is gay or not, but it certainly sounds as though he’s very scared of being gay. All the time you were being friends and touching and flirting, he was enjoying himself, but when you put a label on it and told him that you had romantic feelings for him, he panicked and backed off, changed his behaviour and even grabbed onto the nearest girlfriend option. Whatever his sexuality, he is terrified of being gay or being perceived by others as being gay. He clearly enjoys his friendship with you, but is scared that other people will think of him as a gay man. It also sounds as though there are some religious reasons he’s conflicted over homosexuality.

Perhaps he is bisexual, or perhaps simply he feels very comfortable with you and has a very close, special friendship that you provide, that he doesn’t get from other guys.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying this friendship, but I do think that while you’re so focussed on this friend you are less likely to meet a gay guy who you can have a full romantic relationship with. Years may go by and this friend may still not be available as a boyfriend. Of course, you may find that being patient with him is just what’s needed. Only you can decide if you want to live in hope or distance yourself a little and allow yourself to meet someone who is fully available.

Hi Miles,

I know this is painful for you but I think you need to work on moving on with your life. This ex is being quite cruel by ignoring you, but nonetheless, he’s sending a clear message that he doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you, or indeed any contact.

We can speculate about his reasons:

• It may be that his feelings for men have passed. Some people do have same-sex experiences in their early teens, but go on to identify as exclusively heterosexual
• He may be uncomfortable with his sexuality and wants to hide from it or run away. Having contact with you prevents him from doing that. He may also have pressures from family to be heterosexual

Still, without speaking to him you can’t know what’s going on, and I don’t think it’s healthy or will make you happy to sit around trying to figure things out with no information to go on.

He knows how you feel because you have tried to contact him, so stop now. No more emails, text or phone calls. Every time you try to get in touch and he ignores you, you are hurting yourself because you already know he’ll very likely ignore you. So respect and protect yourself. You deserve better than chasing after someone who isn’t polite or considerate enough to even reply to a text message; this is not a foundation that a loving relationship can be based on.

Spend time with friends. Go out and have fun. Concentrate on hobbies and interests. Be active and creative. This will all help to take your mind off your ex and increase your confidence.

I know it hurts, but you will feel better in time and be in a position to meet a guy who’ll treat you with respect.

Hi Ian,

It sounds to me as though you’re quite confused. Your letter seems to touch on several issues. You’re clearly a real worrier, and I expect that inside your head things are a lot worse than the reality. I’m a worrier too, and I try to practice these techniques when I’m getting myself in a state over something:

• Are these thoughts useful or helpful to me?

Sometimes we spend a lot of effort worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, worrying about pointless things that ultimately don’t matter or worrying about things that have already happened. If you’re spending time worrying and feeling stressed out about what you imagine other people thing, about things you worry might happen someday or fretting over the past, you are pointlessly making yourself feel drained and unhappy. Focus on what’s happening right now. Be in the moment. Deal with what’s happening in front of you, and just do your best. When you start to worry and stress about something, ask yourself if these thoughts are helping. If they’re not, work on shifting your thinking in a more positive direction.

• What are the real facts of the situation?

What’s the point of worrying about what you think someone else thinks or what might happen in 30 years time. You don’t have any real, solid facts to support these worries. The facts are that you can’t mind read, so you can only know how someone feels by asking them to tell you. You can’t know what will happen in 30 years time, but you know that today you are a healthy young man who has control of his life and can make changes to feel happier. Don’t conjure up imaginary outcomes to worry about; look at the facts, the reality, the truth.

• What’s the worst that can happen?

Sometimes we worry about things so much that it’s really distressing, but it can be helpful to realise that even if the thing we’re worried about happens, we’ll still be okay – we’ll cope and move on. Perhaps you’re worried about being unhappy at work. If it happens, you can take steps to improve things in your job or find another. You might return to education and improve your prospects. If you’re worried someone dislikes you and it turns out to be true. Sure, it’s painful, but it’s not the end of the world. There are other people who do like you, and people you haven’t met yet who’ll think you’re great. So even terrible things, when analysed, can be overcome more easily than you might be worrying they can.

You will find more tips in my Looking after your mental health section.

You need to think about what you want from life, Ian, and start making a plan for how to get it. You say you like books, so perhaps a job in a library or bookshop, or perhaps even a writer or researcher. You like the outdoors, so perhaps a job in something environmental or agricultural? If you don’t have the education to go for a job you’d like, think about how you can get the necessary qualification. Are there evening classes nearby? Where can you go for career advice? Do you know someone who has a job you find interesting?

Perhaps you’d be happier moving out of the family home. Often it’s easier to explore who you are and what you want when you don’t have your parents living with you. They may be fine with your sexuality, but it sounds like there are some other issues there that are bothering you, and perhaps being out on your own will help you see your situation more clearly.

Above all else, give yourself a break, Ian. Don’t sit around worrying. Take control and make a plan for change. You are a young man who can create opportunities for himself. Worrying about 30 years time is pointlessly holding you back from enjoying life now. In 30 years time you could be wealthy and retired. Who knows? Stop worrying, start living.

Hi Riley,

You’ve been incredibly brave to come out against a backdrop that is not inclusive or supportive of homosexuality. Don’t forget what an amazing thing you’ve done. You also have a partner who you’re very happy with, so take courage from that and share with her your worries, when things on the outside are looking dark.

Traditionally the church is not accepting of homosexuality, and this is a topic that comes up a lot. Please read my religion and being gay section for an in-depth look at this topic.

It must be very hard to feel abandoned by people of the church when you have done nothing wrong. But remember, you have not been abandoned by God. There’s a big difference. The attitudes of the people in the church are hurtful and bigoted, but they can’t stop you from worshipping in your own home or in more accepting group. So your beliefs and values can stay rock firm.

It would be illegal in this country to fire someone from their job because of their sexuality. For your own peace of mind I think you should look into the situation in New Zealand. But try not to worry about things that haven’t happened. Focus on dealing with things that are real and causing you problems right now. For example, perhaps this is a good time to move out of the family home since you are uncomfortable and restricted living there.

Of course, you can’t force people to see things differently, so all you can do is explain how you feel to your family and then take control of your life and do what’s best for you in order to be happy.

Hi Sam,

There are two issues here, and the one that requires the more urgent attention is the situation with your girlfriend. It’s really not fair to carry on a relationship with her when you don’t find her sexually attractive. Although breaking up with her will be painful for both of you and take some time to adjust, at least you give her her freedom back so she can go on to meet someone who wants her completely. You don’t have to tell her that you don’t find her sexually attractive anymore – as this would be very painful to hear – but I do think that breaking up is the best thing to do. If you stay together you are denying yourself a fulfilling sex life, as well as your girlfriend, and sooner or later she’ll work out that there’s something wrong anyway, especially if you aren’t having sex with her or seem half-hearted about it. Take action now.

Sometimes we aren’t aware of our sexuality fully until we meet certain people that give voice to our feelings. The guys on your Frisbee team have made you question your sexuality because you have found them attractive. This may mean that you are bisexual, or perhaps even gay, though you may not have considered this before. For a lot of people, they find themselves in heterosexual relati9onships because it’s simply the ‘expected thing’ in society, and questions about sexuality go unanswered or ignored. It sounds like the time is right for you to get to know yourself better. Do the right thing by your girlfriend, be single for a while and see how your feelings develop. You may find that you want to explore your feelings for guys more, or you may not, but certainly forcing yourself to fit into the relationship you’re currently in isn’t what’s really right for you at the moment. Be really honest with yourself about what it is you desire, and take some time out to see where your feelings take you.

Hi Katie,

Yes, it really is unfair to carry on in a relationship with a guy since you know you are lesbian. It’s really not fair on either of you. What happens when he wants sex? Do you go through with it even though you desire women, or do you make excuses not to be intimate? Sex is only the most obvious problem in these situations, and in the long term things could get very complicated and painful for both of you. Caring about him, and being totally in love and into him physically are different things, and you both deserve the latter.

Breaking up with him doesn’t mean you have to come out if you’re not ready, though ideally you should tell him the truth so that he can understand and move on.

Much like the situation with Sam on this page, being single and having some space will give you time to think about what you want and come to accept yourself more fully. It’s very hard to be happy and truly know yourself when within a relationship that’s based on pretending to be something that you aren’t.

Hi A,

I completely agree with you that it’s best to know before living with someone whether they are going to have a problem with your sexuality. When I was looking for somewhere to live when I graduated a few years ago I was honest at the flat viewings about my sexuality. In both cases the guy showing me round said it wasn’t a problem. One even confessed that he thought he might be bisexual and we had an interesting talk. So when I moved in to a place I knew that my flatmate wouldn’t have a problem with me or a boyfriend coming to visit etc. It might seem strange telling a potential flatmate who you’ve only just met about your sexuality, but it’s better than moving in a discovering you’re sharing with the homophobics from hell!

I think you need to advertise for a gay or gay friendly housemate. You could try a service like Outlet who deal in gay accommodation (those looking and those renting). I had several viewings through this website and found somewhere nice to live with a gay couple. It’s easy to set up and account, and basic membership is free. You could also try to a free listings site like Gumtree, where I’ve also successfully found a gay friendly flatshare in the past. You can create an ad or reply to existing ones under gay or gay friendly flatshares.

Hi Ashley,

I’m really sorry to hear about you Dad passing away. I think it’s great that he was the sort of parent that you could talk to.

What about the person/people you’re living with now – can you talk to them? Do you have any close friends or relatives you can call on? You definitely don’t need to think of someone as a replacement for him, but we all need a friend to listen from time to time. You’re feeling lonely right now, but this is bound to feel worse at the moment because of the recent loss of your Dad. I expect all your emotions are more intense and you probably find that your moods can swing from happy to sad quite quickly. This will settle down in time.

Try to be active and spend time with friends. It’ll help to take your mind off your worries. If you have something to get off your chest, you could try the bgiok forum. There’s a supportive group of users on there, around your age.

Hi Fran,

Remember, you can’t read minds! You don’t know what the other people in your class are thinking – you can only guess. And when we guess about things that worry us, our guesses can be scary and negative. It may be the case that everyone feels uncomfortable talking about issues around sex and sexuality and that most people in the class hope that they won’t get asked to speak or be suspected of being gay, or even being openly okay about homosexuality. I doubt you are the only one in the whole class who has same-sex attraction, and certainly not the only one who’s worried about what other students will think of them if they speak up in a positive way about gay people.

You can keep your head down and say very little if you like, or you could be brave and express how you feel. You don’t have to admit to being bisexual or lesbian in front of the class, but you can say that you don’t think being gay is wrong and that it’s just something that happens in nature and isn’t a big deal. You may comfort some other students who are worried just like you.

The spotlight isn’t on you. Nobody can see what you’re thinking, and you are in control of what you offer to the class or what you choose to hold back. It could be an opportunity to speak up about your beliefs and gain some confidence, and at the very least you will likely learn some interesting facts that can give you a better insight into your own feelings.