Problem page archive: November 2009

Hi Eddie,

I don’t blame you for being hurt and disappointed by what this guy said. But sadly this is the way some gay people see things. Society has a very old fashioned and traditional idea of what being ‘normal’ means and how people need to live their lives in order to be accepted by others and conform. People grow up, get married and have kids. Everyone accepts this template for life and questions those who fall outside it. This guy you talk to intends to enjoy his homosexuality, but later in life assume the part of a heterosexual man and fulfil the ‘duty’ of having a wife and producing children.

Living a lie, using people and having gay affairs on the side is pretty low, but it’s how a significant amount of gay people still live their lives, whether out of fear of rejection, a feeling of being lost and directionless without their own family, fear of who they are, jadedness with the gay scene and failed gay relationships, fear of being alone in old age, fear of coming out etc. A lot of straight people hit 40 and panic because they haven’t had children of their own yet, so it’s easy to understand why some gay people feel like they’re missing out or not performing a duty they feel they have. I understand that some people genuinely want to have children, but I also feel that a lot of children are born simply because their parents thought they should be; a strange sense of duty.

Running off to Straight Town isn’t the answer. Not only is it impossible to become straight on a whim, a heterosexual marriage is fraught with as many pitfalls and problems as a gay one, and there’s no guarantee of its success (especially if you’re secretly fancying her brother!). Children are a huge responsibility and demand much emotional energy and material support for many years, on top of the effort it takes to maintain a relationship with your spouse. Getting married and having a child may make the grandparents happy and give you something to talk about down the pub after work, but it’s not the answer a miracle answer for gay people, and isn’t necessarily  what a straight person really wants.

But while some gay people choose to live this way and deny their true nature, most don’t. I believe the only way to be truly happy (not just playing at it) is to embrace who you really are and to make the absolute most of yourself. As a gay man, nature has decided that you won’t have children biologically. But there are many children already in this world who need loving parents and a good home, so there’s no reason that children can’t be a part of your life. You’d be doing something incredibly worthwhile and making a difference to children who’ve had a bad start in life. As a gay man there’s no reason why you won’t find a great guy and enjoy a loving, lasting, committed relationship.

I know it’s disheartening to speak to people like the guy you mentioned, but not everyone feels that way of lives their lives like that. It takes courage to be who you are and live life honestly and fully – courage he doesn’t seem to have.

Hi Stephen,

I’m sorry to hear that felt so low that you took an overdose and that your friend gave you the cold shoulder afterwards. Hearing that someone close to you has done something so drastic is too much for some to deal with. I’m sure he cared for you, but felt powerless, confused and unsure how to behave around you. Still, it’s a shame he chose to break contact completely at a time you needed someone – not necessarily for counselling, but just company.

Falling for straight friends is a common problem gay people have throughout life, and you’re certainly not alone in how you feel. You can’t help who you fall for, and it’s much the same as if a straight girl fell for you! I’ve known straight guys to tease too. They like the idea of a guy fancying them. It’s an ego boost and curiosity. But it’s not fair to play with your feelings. I imagine he doesn’t know how upset and confused you’re feeling. Have you tried telling him?

I think you really need to meet some gay people and expand your horizons a little. Exclusively hanging out with straight people is just waiting to have your heart broken. Your straight friend should be a part of your life, not the central focus. We all need someone to be close to, and you’re currently reaching out to people who can’t provide what you need. Time for a change!

Do you know any gay people? Gay relatives you could talk to? Is there a local gay group you could attend? Do a search online for gay youth groups in N. Ireland. Even visiting a gay bar might perk up a little, make you feel more confident and less isolated. Perhaps you have some more sympathetic and understanding friends who’d go with you? You could join a website like www.outeverywhere.com and perhaps establish some gay friends and maybe even people to meet up with. Be imaginative, Stephen, and see what’s out there. Even a non-gay group, based around a shared interest or hobby, or an evening class, would get you mixing with new people and feeling less isolated.

It’s important to take the focus away from the straight friend, and see the bigger picture.

Hi Sean,

I think you already have the answers you’re looking for. You are gay. You decided that and came out as such because you are exclusively attracted to guys these days, so the label fits. It doesn’t mean you’ve signed a contract that says you can never be interested in girls again. It simply means that you feel that ‘gay’ is the label that fits you best right now. If a part of you (however small) likes the occasional girl, then there’s nothing to stop you from exploring that side of yourself if you want to.

Labels like ‘gay’ and ‘straight’ are pretty limiting and definitive. When someone says that they are straight, you assume they only like the opposite sex, but as I discuss in my Being gay F.A.Q – and as you’ve already seen – many, many people don’t comfortably fit into these labels. I’ve met guys who label themselves as straight but have had same-sex experiences, gay guys who’ve had girlfriends etc. I describe myself as gay because I have never fancied women and always been attracted to guys. It’s not so clear-cut for everyone though.

So you are right in that society would rather slap a definite label on people’s sexuality and then treat them a certain way because of it. But real life just isn’t that simple. Dig a little deeper and you’ll see that it’s not the case that everyone is completely sure and comfortable with their sexuality – it just seems that way.

Do you think you might wake up tomorrow and lust after girls in the same way as you do guys? Tell people you are gay, tell them you like guys but don’t want to pigeonhole yourself, tell them you aren’t sure, tell them to mind their own business – whatever makes you feel comfortable.

You know how you feel, Sean. Don’t make life harder for yourself by staring past that.

Hi Carol,

And thank you for writing in on behalf of your friend. He’s fortunate to have you.

As raised in another letter this update, falling for straight people is part of a gay person’s life, but then falling for people we can’t always have is part of life for everyone, regardless of sexuality.

The fact that your friend is feminine in character and is drawn to masculine men is common and not a problem in itself. His chances of meeting a guy he’s attracted to and who is interested in return are the same as for anyone looking for a partner.

It sounds as though your friend has had a tough early life, growing up in a household that told him (directly or indirectly) that he’s wrong or bad for being gay. I imagine this is why he has worked to hide his feminine behaviour. Ideally, he needs to get to a stage where he’s comfortable in his own skin and happy to embrace who he is and how he naturally behaves. As an ongoing project, I’d suggest he works on his confidence and self acceptance. It’s hard to make a relationship work if you’re at odds with yourself and have problems allowing people to like you for who you are.

I have decided, after trying various things myself, that the best way to meet a decent man is to enjoy your life and not look too hard! By all means, try internet dating, visiting gay bars etc., but I don’t think that putting a big, obsessive focus into finding a partner will hook you one. Often when we’re lonely and very keen to find someone, we end up settling for the first interested person that comes along and choosing someone completely unsuitable. Much better to put effort into making life a good, happy, positive place to be. Being a happy single person and not desperate for a partner creates is a good foundation for someone special to arrive on. A rich life, full of friends and social opportunities opens doors. So your friend could join a club or evening class, explore hobbies and interests, think about his career and where he wants to be. Do things that fire his interest, creativity and passion. Get out to new places, try new things. You just don’t know what life will throw his way once you get out and embrace it.

Hi Tom,

Liking older men isn’t wrong. Who you get involved with is down to personal taste, and everyone is attracted by different qualities in others. Liking older men isn’t some odd fetish that you’ll come away feeling soiled and guilty by! If someone comes into your life that you like, and you want to get involved and have sex, then that’s one of the most normal and natural things in life.

Don’t be put off enjoying what you like because of what other people think. The bigger hurdle is being openly gay, which you’re handling right now. Choosing to date older guys won’t seem nearly as worthy of note to most people.