Problem page archive: October 2009

Hi Tayler,

Clearly this friend has awoken a part of you that you’d either ignored or not been completely aware of before. I think you know deep down that missing your girlfriend hasn’t turned you bisexual or gay, and that your sexuality was formed before she went away.

So, you have a boyfriend and a girlfriend and you need to decide who you care more about and want to continue with. This may seem like a cold way to look at it, but it’s fact. You need to think hard about your feelings for each. The larger issue is your sexuality, but I think your feelings for your boy and girlfriend will lead you in working that out. Do you really love your girlfriend, or is it more of a friendship? Are you as physically into her as you are your boyfriend? Is what you have with her more powerful and satisfying than what you have with him? You say you think your feelings for your boyfriend are stronger, so perhaps you already have the answer.

You know it’s not fair to see both of them. Even if you think you are protecting your girlfriend from the truth, you’re actually stopping her meeting a new man who would be completely into her. Your boyfriend’s life is on hold too, as he waits around for secret meetings with you. All three of you deserve better than this situation. It might sounds clichéd, but you really have to follow your heart, and do it soon.

Hi Joe,

You did a very brave thing by coming out. You told the people closest to you something very personal and important, and you gave them the opportunity to be supportive and show that they loved you regardless of your sexuality. Sadly, your parents – like many – have opted to react with bigotry and threats. I discuss this more elsewhere on the website, but we all grow up in a society that tells us we need to be straight, married and producing children to be happy, healthy and ‘normal’. Anything that falls outside of this vision is treated with varying levels of tolerance. Parents are great enforcers of this rather narrow idea of what a family is and how people should live their lives. When confronted by a child who isn’t going to slot into the traditional idea of a family, they hit the roof. They think that by basically throwing their toys out of the pram and making a fuss, you might magically become straight and start ‘behaving’. In fact, by threatening you with losing your home and security, they produce an unhappy son who feels insecure and unsafe in his own home.

This isn’t The Waltons, so I’m not going to suggest you sit down calmly with them and have a nice chat and hugs, because your parents are clearly not in the mood to talk or to accept anything but what they want and expect (i.e. anything but reality). In this case I’d suggest you don’t talk to them about your sexuality. Not boyfriends, not your feelings for guys, nothing. I think that if you push the issue they’re just become angrier, and it’s in your interest to keep them as calm as possible while you still depend on them for financial support and a home to live in. Be a good son (i.e. don’t rock the boat), work hard at school/college and bide your time. I’m not telling you to pretend that you aren’t gay, or to agree with everything your parents say and do, but by watching what you say and how you behave while still under their roof will make life much more bearable.

Start to make plans for the future. Are you going away to study? Do you plan on leaving education and getting a job? It’s clear that you can’t live at home indefinitely as it’s a hostile environment for you as a gay guy, so think about your next steps: moving away, living with friends or having your own place, creating a safe environment for you and your boyfriend. You’re 16 now, you’re classed as an adult at 18. A bit of patience, a level head and some solid plans will set you in a positive direction.

And remember: you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Hi Stephen,

It sounds to me as though your boyfriend is still coming to terms with his sexuality. Being physically distant and making fun of you in front of people show that he’s not yet completely ready to accept himself as gay, and as importantly, allow other people to consider him a gay man. It’s unusual for such a young man living with his partner to be so disinterested in sex. Indeed, one of the great things about living with a partner, especially in the early stage of a relationship, is the privacy that allows for sex and great intimacy. Again, I suspect his apparent disinterest in sex is based around his discomfort over his sexuality. I expect he masturbates instead, because that doesn’t stir the emotions and issues that real sex with you does (I doubt there are many 21 year olds who could go two weeks without some kind of outlet for their sexual feelings). It also sounds as though he’s not the most emotionally mature chap, and reacts to problems by being cold toward you or refusing to discuss things. This is not ideal in any relationship, especially one where you share a home. Communication is so important. You’re already in a situation where you’re putting your feelings on the back-burner to keep him happy, and there’s a disproportionate focus on his feelings. Your feelings and happiness are just as important.

To add to these problems, I think you are probably a bit insecure. You worry about losing him and tend to overanalyse the things he says and does. You tend to look for problems rather then enjoying the moment and the reality of what’s happening at the time. You probably find it hard to let go and enjoy yourself. By living like this it might seem that you’re protecting yourself, pre-empting problems and being ready for trouble. What it actually does is create a problem that might contribute to or even cause a break-up. It’s very tiring to be with someone who questions everything and doesn’t trust their own eyes or take things at face value. I go into this more in Looking after your mental health section. Read it and get some ideas for living in and enjoying the moment and begin to train your mind out of these negative thinking habits.

So, there are two issues here:

1. You need to work on yourself. Build confidence and learn to think more positively and enjoy what’s in front of you.
2. You need to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. Clearly there are already cracks in this relationship that need to be addressed. It’s not acceptable for him to brush you off and make fun of you in front of his family. Tell him. It’s odd that he’s not all over you like a rash, so ask him why he’s got so little sexual interest.

You might not like everything you hear, but you need to know what’s going on in his head and whether his heart is really in this relationship and putting the effort into making it work and last. The alternative is to carry on as you are and pander to his needs and desires while ignoring your own. You’ll lose respect for yourself and so will he. So take a deep breath and be brave. You deserve a man who loves you completely and can help you build a happy home. You can't make this work on your own.

Hi Alex,

I think you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to fulfil a role. You’re not completely sure of yourself, like many people your age (and older), but you’re categorising and packaging yourself for other people. You’re so determined to be gay that you’ve lost sight of who you actually are. Slow down.

Are you attracted to men? Do you have sexual feelings toward men? What do you think about if you masturbate? You’ve said that gay porn isn’t something you want to watch and that two of the most popular sexual activities make you squirm, which is a little unusual for a young gay man. On the other hand, people are all different when it comes to sex and like different things. You may simply be that you are not ready for sex. It may also be that you are a bit prudish and shy about it, and that with the right guy, you would enjoy sex.

Being gay or straight is a feeling. It’s not something you have to prove or figure out by jumping into bed with someone. I think you need to get back to and listen to your feelings. Listen to what they’re telling you.

Being different can make you feel special, and that’s fine, but being gay isn’t an achievement or an award. Don’t be a ‘career gay’ i.e. someone who lives and breathes gay and forgets who they are and about all the other things in life worth investigating. It’s worth imagining that you woke up straight tomorrow and how that would make you feel. If being suddenly straight would leave you empty, directionless and with nothing to do, then your current focus on being gay needs to change.

Hi Luke,

It’s pretty normal for people to assume – you included – that everyone is straight by default. It sounds like you had been happily wandering along, thinking you were straight because it’s the norm and what people expect, and then a side of yourself emerged at a party when an opportunity arose.

Now, you kissed this guy because you wanted to. Whether you’d had a few beers first or not makes no difference. Alcohol doesn’t make people gay, but it certainly unlocks the closet door for a few hours for those who’d usually prefer to keep it locked. Booze  allows those hidden parts of ourselves to emerge while we’re too drunk to worry about the consequences. Remember that, the next time a ‘straight’ bloke blames a same-sex encounter on Budweiser.

There’s no rush to label yourself as anything, Luke. Take your time and listen to your feelings. Are your feelings for guys sexual i.e. you think about more than kissing them? Do you have feelings for girls too? When you think about being with someone in a relationship, do you think of guys or girls? Is there someone you’d like to get involved with? Was the guy you kissed at the party gay? Can you talk to him about how you’re feeling? Remember, it’s completely okay to just chill out, have fun with friends and see how your feelings develop over time.

At 17 these feelings are unlikely to be a ‘phase’, and you’ve done the right thing by acknowledging them and seeking to understand them and yourself better.

Hi Matt,

It would be an extremely chilled out and accepting person who wouldn’t be a tiny bit uncomfortable at stories of their partner’s previous sexual encounters with members of the opposite or same sex, especially if they were rather kinky like the example you give.

Your girlfriend is obviously very sexually confident, open and liberal, which isn’t a bad thing, and I’m sure it makes for a fun time together. Still, unless she has a burning need to get these sexual tales off her chest, or if you specifically ask for the info, then there’s no need to talk about them. The sex that’s important is the stuff you’re having together right now. It’s okay to tell your girlfriend that you’d rather not hear about it. I’m very much a believer in leaving old exes out of the new relationship. You both learned lessons in past relationships, and you don’t need to trawl over the details together in the bedroom.

If you think your girlfriend is perhaps too sexually driven and that you want more from the relationship, then you need to communicate that to her. You can show her you respect her and don’t just see her as a sexual object, just by treating her like she’s special, in and out of the bedroom. Remember, it’s not relevant that she’s bisexual – she’s chosen to be with you.

Hi ‘Musicalrockfairy’,

You’re a bit confused about your sexuality, like a lot of people are at your age. You seem to be okay with the idea of liking either guys, girls or both, but what seems to be upsetting you is not quite knowing what direction your feelings are leaning toward.

As I discuss in the Being gay FAQ, sexuality isn’t a black and white issue (see the diagram there). What I mean by that is nobody is 100% one thing or another, and bisexual people don’t divide their sexual interest equally between men and women, 50%-50%. The natural world just isn’t that clear-cut. This makes for a very diverse and interesting world, but it doesn’t help much when you’re confused and want to know what you are and to stamp a label on it.

Look at what you do know: you are attracted to women, but you also sometimes find certain men attractive. So this suggests to me that you are bisexual, and like many bisexual people, you report being more interested in one sex than another (i.e. you’re not equally interested in men and woman). You don’t need to have had even one relationship to know these facts – you just feel it, just like straight people know that they are straight before having their first sexual experience. You may find that you go on to have relationships mostly with women, but that as you go through life there may be a guy or two who brings out sexual and romantic feelings in you. It doesn’t have to be a cause of upset and turmoil, if you just follow your feelings and go with what feels most right for you. It’s the same for everyone, even straight people. For example, a guy might have a girlfriend who he’s nuts about, but perhaps he notices another girl at work who makes him feel good too. He knows he wants to be with his girlfriend and won’t be unfaithful, but at the same time he can’t help the feelings this new person stirs up. It’s one of life’s most common situations. It’s not about whether someone is male or female; it’s about how they make us feel and how much we want them.

Your feelings will become clearer as you get older, but I think you already have more answers than you realise. Chill out and live your life. Analysing and stressing over your feelings won’t help them to make more sense or to just flow naturally. In the course of things, someone will come along who makes you want to get involved, and you don’t have to decide in advance if that person should be male or female. You don’t have to leap out of bed knowing exactly what you want each morning and go off searching for it. That’s just not the way people and the world are designed, and often things don’t happen in the way we’d imagined.

Hi LP,

I think you know that things have to change and can’t go on the way they are.  I understand why you’ve hidden your sexuality, but it’s become a habit that’s stopping you fully enjoying your life and giving love a chance to find you. You’re a heartbeat away from getting a fake boyfriend and producing cover-up babies. Don’t be one of those people who writes to me in 10 years time and asks how they can come out with a husband and kids.

Having a gay roommate and gay friends gives you a relatively easy route to at least begin to come out. You don’t have to tell your family until you meet someone wonderful and want to get a place together, but there’s really no reason not to come out to your gay friends right after you finish reading this sentence. If you’re still sitting here wondering what to do, have a gentle slap from me, and a little more advice.

By coming out to people who know exactly where you’re coming from you gain several things:

• People to talk to who really understand (and aren’t just trying their best to, like a straight friend might)
• You have opportunities through them to meet other gay people, expand and enrich your social life, and maybe even meet that special someone
• Support for the future, whether it’s helping you through relationship troubles or being there for you when you face more challenging coming out situations. Since they have a head-start on you, these gay friends have experience that you don’t, and they can guide and advise you

Coming out doesn’t have to mean telling the world, but you’d be very daft if you didn’t make a start with your gay friends. If anyone on this planet it going to be okay about you being gay, it’s them.

I think that the confidence you’ll gain from having come out to these friends, and the support they bring, will empower you to go from strength to strength and start really having a life. The alternative is deceit and using and manipulating people to cover your sexuality, which in my eyes isn’t an alternative at all.

Do something positive today! See my Coming out section for more.

Hi Ben,

The good news is that you know that you are bisexual. I can safely say that you aren’t straight, based on what you’ve told me in your email. Indeed, you don’t talk about instances of being attracted to women at all, or of girlfriends you might have had, so that side of your life is perhaps small in comparison to the side that likes guys.

Many people grow up in single-parent families. You may be attracted to older men just because that’s the way you’re wired. Some people are attracted to older guys, younger guys, big guys, slim guys etc. It doesn’t necessarily mean you want a father figure in your life because you tend to find older men attractive. After all, you aren’t a child anymore, so the days of sitting on a guy’s knee and telling him about your day at school are well and truly over (unless… er… you and him enjoy such activities). Besides, wanting a father-type figure in your life wouldn’t make you gay or bisexual, it would just make you seek older male company and emotional support, perhaps from an uncle or older friend. I think perhaps you like older guys and you want more than sex from them; you’d like a connection, romance, a bond, love – like a lot of people do.

Your inability to ‘finish’ during your sexual experience could be down to several things:

• Not being completely relaxed. Many people can’t achieve orgasm if they’re uncomfortable, feeling shy, are worrying about other things in their lives etc. If your mind isn’t on the task, and if your body and mind aren’t totally relaxed and in the moment, you may have problems reaching orgasm.
• Maybe the guy isn’t right for you or is persuading you into sexual acts that you don’t really want to do.
• You weren’t enjoying it enough. If the sex wasn’t very enjoyable and your buttons weren’t being pushed, you’d likely never have an orgasm. If the guy you’re with thinks he’s giving you pleasure and he isn’t, you need to gently tell him what you like and what turns you on. It’s okay to ask for something that you aren’t getting.
• Sometimes the body just doesn’t want to play ball. Maybe you're tired, not really in the mood for sex, or just simply that your body has other ideas. Beating away at sex like it’s a chore and trying to force orgasm to happen means it probably won’t. Don’t focus on the end-game, enjoy the build up and let it happen (or sometimes not) naturally. Focussing on the finish like it’s a race is missing the point of sex. Take your time, enjoy every moment, enjoy the other person, and let nature take its course.
• If you’re rushing into sex too soon and your heart, body and head aren’t totally into it, then you won’t enjoy it as much as you could. Slow things down, spend time getting to know him outside of the bedroom. Take time to form that connection and bond that you want before you have sex. If he isn’t prepared to wait, or isn’t interested in a bit of romance and getting to know you better, then he’s not the one for you.

Slow things down so that the next time you get into bed with this guy (or another) you have the connection with him that you want. I promise you that sex with someone you are nuts about and who’s nuts about you is worth the wait.

Hi Jerry,

It’s very popular to label men gay if they behave in a feminine way, or to call a girl lesbian if she’s more masculine than what people expect a girl to be like. While there is some truth in stereotypes, these rules can’t apply to everyone. I’ve had straight male friends who are very sensitive and effeminate, and gay male friends who are very masculine and who had problems getting a boyfriend because everyone thought they were straight! While some people act a certain way on purpose, I think most people just do what comes naturally. A person’s behavioural traits and personality are shaped by many things, not just sexuality.

You are a straight guy who has feminine qualities, and you’re fine with that, just as you should be. It’s other people and their rather narrow thinking that’s causing you problems. I think you need to get a bit tougher. If you feel you’re being bullied at school, you must speak to someone (read my How to deal with bullying section). Tell your sister that it upsets you when she makes comments about your sexuality, and ask her not to do it. You can't stop daft people from thinking daft things, but you can certainly tell them how it makes you feel when they go on about it.

You know who and what you are, Jerry. Be firm with people who seem to think it’s okay to say otherwise. There are plenty of girls out there who would love to meet a guy who’s not hung up on macho crap, and is sensitive and gentle, and there are plenty of guys who’d value these qualities too.

Hi Spencer,

I do know how you feel, and I’m sure many of the people reading this will have felt – or still do feel – the same way. I get a lot of emails from people from all over the world asking how they can meet other gay people, but bgiok just doesn’t have the resources to put people in touch with groups, societies, helplines - or even suggest a gay bar - outside of the UK. For those in the UK (bgiok’s home), you can find helplines, youth groups and other resources in the links section. bgiok is a one-man built and funded project, and simple, I don’t have the time, money or resources to have worldwide gay resource listings.

It’s not all doom and gloom though. The forum here attracts people from around the world, and is a great place to talk to other young gay/bi people about things you find awkward discussing with your regular circle of friends. I recommend you sign up.

If you want to know what resources are available in your area, I would suggest doing some research. Ask around, search on Google, visit US-based gay websites and explore their links and other information. Of course you may discover that there’s nothing very local and you have to look further afield. This can be frustrating when you’re too young to travel far, but be patient and proactive. There are plenty of other gay people out there (and many hiding away in your small town), but you might have to wait until you’re older and more independent to really go looking.

Hi Ratchet,

I love ice cream! If it didn’t stop me losing weight, I’d eat it every day! I can’t stop liking ice cream, and I don’t waste time trying to. It’s just part of who I am. If I never ate it again, or if it was made illegal tomorrow, I’d still love it and think about it sometimes. It’s the same with sexuality.

Kissing a man doesn’t make you gay. You are gay before you even look at another man. You feel it and you just know it. It’s a part of who you are. I strongly believe that we were born gay. You don’t get to choose whether you are gay or not, but you get to choose whether you do anything with that. You can be single all your life if you want to. You can refrain from touching, kissing, or having sexual contact with a man if you want to. But you’d still be gay. You’d still find men sexually attractive, and you’d still want that closeness with another person that everyone desires.

As a Christian, you believe that God made all things, and that includes you. The gay you.

At 14 you can know that you are gay (that’s around the age I knew I was). Your Mum has a point though in that some young people are confused and unsure about their sexuality and need longer to work out what they want. But the whole “He’s going through a phase” idea is a popular and old one that people wheel out when they don’t want to believe that someone is gay, and I’ve rarely met anyone who claims to have had a same-sex phase. Many young people, like yourself, feel more confident and sure about it from early teens. Only you know how you feel, so don’t let someone else try to convince you that your feelings aren’t real. People may want to mould you into the person they want you to be, but being ourselves is the only way to be happy. At least you can talk to your Mum about it, even if she’s perhaps not quite ready to truly hear you yet. Be patient with her.

If you haven’t already, read my Religion and being gay, and Coming out sections. I think they’ll help.

Hi Hannah,

I have had ‘romantic’ dreams about women. There’s a confession! Not very often, and not much happens, but I’ve definitively had a few slightly saucy dreams about the opposite sex. But I’m a gay man, and very happy about it. I’m not attracted to women and I doubt I ever will be. I’ve also had dreams about men, which are more frequent and er… slightly more ‘involved’.

Dreams are mysterious things. Sometimes they show us things that are on our minds during the day (worries or hidden desires), but more often than not they’re a load of nonsense that don’t seem to carry any specific meaning at all. It’s popular to try to read dreams and attempt to put meaning to the images and situations our sleepy brains conjure up, and whether you buy into that is up to you. When we sleep our minds are free to wonder and explore and there’s no telling what might appear in our dreams.

If when your friend is awake she has no romantic interest in girls, then her dreams about making out with girls have no real meaning (it’s just her brain flexing its muscles!). If she is curious about girls romantically in her waking life, then her dreams are allowing her to explore that curiosity.

Same-sex dream situations don’t mean that your friend is gay. But if your friend’s dreams are revealing things she thinks about and hides during the day, then it might be time for her to be more honest with herself.

Hi Scott,

It seems you have two separate worries here: your relationship with your parents, and your perceived inability to meet a guy and have a functioning, healthy relationship.

Up until a certain age, our parents are very central in our lives. We look up to them, we put great value in their opinions and values, and we seek their approval as a way of feeling good about our actions or future plans. So it’s completely normal to doubt yourself now if they are having a hard time accepting you as gay. After all, they have raised you and supported you all your life, and now, suddenly, they are behaving very differently toward you. It’s natural to think, “I must be messing up, and they must be right”. But they aren’t, Scott.

As you’ll know if you’ve read any of the material on this site or spoken to older gay people, being gay isn’t a choice. it’s not something we do to piss our families off. It’s just simply the way some people are. Like a lot of parents, they’re freaking out because they want a nice straight son who can have 2 kids and a pretty wife, because that’s the only way to be happy in their eyes. We’re all raised to buy into that vision, even in 2009. But it might be one way to be happy for some people, but there are many types of families in the world, and no secret formula to being ‘normal’ and happy. Your parents will have to get used to it, because you aren’t going to wake up straight tomorrow. They need to accept you for who you are, if they want to have a close relationship with you and be a part of your life. I’d recommend you read my Advice for parents and friends section, to better understand how they might be feeling and perhaps give you some ideas for moving forward. Be patient with your parents, but don’t forget your own needs and wellbeing if they are being unreasonable and making you unhappy. You shouldn’t have to beg for their support and understanding – you’ve done nothing wrong. Their desire not to lose you should be enough to make them want to at least try to understand.

Finding a partner isn’t easy. It all depends on:

• ‘Chemisty’, or that elusive ‘spark’ that you only get with a few people. You’re on the same wavelength, the chat and laughs come easily, there’s a sexy buzz in the air that makes you feel incredible
• Meeting the right person at the right time. Sometimes Mr or Mrs Right comes along, but he or she is going through a tough time or has just recently come out of a relationship, and it’s just not the right time for him or her to get involved
• Meeting the right one when the time is right for you. Sometimes we’ve got worries and problems and just don’t have the energy left to fuel a relationship, even if someone you really like has come into your life
• Being honest. It’s no good looking for a partner if you’re pretending to be someone you’re not. So drop the act, drop the attitude, and just relax and be yourself. At that point, if someone likes what they see, then things have a good chance of working out. It’s no good if someone falls for an act you’ve put on, or worse, is scared off by a bad attitude
• A big wodge of luck
• A dose of fate

So don’t jump into something with the first person that comes along. Wait for the one that you really click with. I’ve known a lot of unhappy people who spend their lives thinking they can only be happy if they are with someone. As a result, they leap from one relationship to the next, always with people they barely know or are really interested in. It’s better to be a happy single person and to wait, than to settle for second best. You can be far lonelier in a relationship like that than you would be if you stayed single.

Once the drama with your parents dies down, and you realise that you’ve done nothing wrong and deserve to be happy, then you’ll be in a much better state of mind to make a proper go of it with the right guy. Get out there, meet people and see what happens.

Hi Stephen,

Your Mum isn’t ready to accept that you are gay, and her way of coping is to believe that she can stop you being gay by controlling the amount of privacy and freedom that you have. I imagine your Mum holds the influence of other people as responsible for your sexuality, so she thinks that by restricting contact with certain people that you’ll abandon the belief that you are gay.

But your Mum can’t hold you hostage, Stephen. It’s not healthy behaviour. Also, making jokes about you and making you unhappy is bullying, and completely unacceptable. It’s not the way a loving adult should be behaving. And while perhaps she has control as your parent while you are under a certain age, you’ll soon be classed as an adult and can legally do as you wish.

By treating you this way your Mum is damaging her relationship with you and ensuring that when you have left home you won’t be calling home very often. I expect your Mum thinks she is protecting and helping you. Sexuality isn’t something that changes depending on who you spend time with. If your Mum locked you in the cellar with a group of nuns for 3 years, you’d come out as gay as you went in.

Still, saying this to you isn’t helping your situation – it’s your Mum who needs to hear it. If your Mum won’t listen to sense, I’d suggest seeking help outside of the family home. Is there anyone else you can stay with for a while? Another family member or teacher you can talk to and seek support from? Is there someone who could talk to your Mum on your behalf?

Your Mum shouldn’t deny you some privacy, she shouldn’t keep you hostage at home, and she shouldn’t bully you with your brother as backup. She’s behaving terribly. Tell someone about it and seek help.

Hi Colm,

I think you need to do some soul searching here.

It sounds like it’s not the people around you who are making you feel bad: it’s you. So ask yourself why are you having such a hard time accepting yourself as a gay person? What’s stressing you out about it? Your issues with food and your inability to rest peacefully suggest to me you are having problems with anxiety. I’ve suffered from this as well, and it’s very much like being irrationally (i.e. needlessly) worried and stressed all or most of the time.

I can’t really tell you what the root cause of your anxiety is, based on the information you’ve given me, but I think the problem is inside you and not about what’s really going on outside. So I recommend reading my Looking after your mental health section. I talk about anxiety issues there. It may help you identify where the problem lies and will give you tips and ideas for thinking more rationally and feeling more calm and grounded.

I also think a healthy dose of reality is a good idea. You are a gay man and can’t opt out of it. Read the content on the website and work on liking who you are and seeing the possibilities, not the drawbacks. A healthy, positive attitude is massively important for a happy life.

Hi Destiny,

I believe that experiences don’t make a person gay. So having an ugly dad, lacking romantic guys at school, or seeing a girl perform a sexual act, doesn’t make you gay (or straight, for that matter). I believe that some people are born gay, just like people are born straight. You don’t have to sleep with both a man and woman to decide which you like best – sexuality is something you just feel inside, even when you are single.

In my Religion and being gay section I talk about God and homosexuality, and how the two can coexist. I believe that if there is a God who made all things, then he made gay people too. Be sure to read it all – I think it’ll help you.

Life can get better, Destiny. Think about the good things in your life, the things you like about yourself, the things you want to do in the future and the things you enjoy right now. You say some bad things about your parents, but there’s also something to feel good about. Your parents have said they wouldn’t mind if their child was gay – it’s wonderful that they feel this way. If they would accept a child who is different, perhaps you can try a little bit to accept your Dad and some of his behaviour that you dislike?

Focus on the positive things in your life, and think about how you might change the things you don’t feel so good about. If you want more friends, think of ways you can achieve this. If you’re bored or lonely after school, start a hobby or join a club. Write a list of ideas and begin to make them a reality. It can be scary to make changes, and to be brave enough to talk to new people, but you’ll feel much better if you try.

Hi Chan,

It sounds like you have a happy family, and I’m sure you’re already doing a great job with your daughter. There are lots of clubs and support groups in the UK for young parents, and I’d suggest looking in your local doctor’s surgery for notices, or speaking directly to your GP. Perhaps your town or village has a parent-child support group? Does your child attend a nursery/playgroup during the day? If not, find out about local facilities. Through a nursery, you’d meet other parents in the natural course of things, and also find out about other groups and events. I imagine your child will start school at the age of 5, so get involved with the school and meet other parents through that. A bit of imagination and some research will put you on the right track.

Hi Mark,

And no more of this ‘out of my league’ stuff! We’re all equal, all worth love and happiness, so don’t measure yourself against someone else based on looks or popularity. There’s no reason you can’t be with someone you think is amazing.

Now, this guy is not masturbating on webcam at you for a joke. A joke would be to go on webcam in a tiara and mime to Celine Dion. He’s getting sexual satisfaction from involving you in his masturbation. He knows you are gay and that you like him, and he knows that that watching him is turning you on. This knowledge then turns him on.

His behaviour doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay though, which might sound surprising. I’ve known many straight guys who love the flirting and teasing with a gay man, sometimes even small sexual acts. I’ve kissed straight guys, and have no doubt that they fancy women and don’t want to get involved romantically and sexually with a man. They love the attention a gay man gives them, they love knowing that you want them and can’t have them, the get a kick out of the forbidden fruit thing. It’s an ego boost, a power trip, a turn on. It doesn’t necessarily mean they want to jump into bed with a guy and go the distance, much as we might want them to! Sexuality is a weird thing and it’s very hard to ever say where any one person is at with it. Who knows what goes on inside some of these guys heads.

This friend of yours is using the safety of the webcam to experiment. He’s having a sexual experience involving another guy, but not actually physically involving him. He might be curious about being with a man, or he might just get a kick out of being watched and desired, and the danger of people finding out (after all, you could record him and show it to anyone, as well he knows). The thing about the internet is that it allows us to explore personas that we might keep sealed shut in ‘real life’. Whether it’s through a game like World of Warcraft (where some straight men play female characters), or a chat room where you can be anyone you want. He’s playing a part in a fantasy of his own, that at school he wouldn’t dare let out.

He may only ever be the guy on webcam who’s in full view, but out of reach, and you have to decide if that’s enough for you. If you want more than an internet thrill, then you need to tell him. He may well come clean and express an interest in something real with you, or he might run a mile because his safe fantasy world is being compromised. I’d say speaking to him about how you feel is worth the risk. I think you’ll eventually tire of being teased and want something more tangible.

Hi Ed,

I wonder if your Dad found out he was straight because he ‘tried it with a girl’ or if he just knew he liked girls before he’d so much as kissed on? As I’ve said a few times during this problem page update, you know what you are without trying it on for size. I doubt your Dad got it on with a man to make sure he didn’t like it before getting married. It would be weird for people to behave like that. People just know who and what they are, just like you do. Like I said in another letter, if I never ate ice cream again, I’d still know that I liked it!

Your Dad seems to be taking your sexuality as some kind of measure of how successful he’s been as a father, which is nonsense. Has he been a good Dad? Has he loved and supported you? Has he made you feel safe and cared for? When you’ve had problems in the past, has he been there for you? These are the measures of a good parent. Your being gay isn’t caused by the actions of a parent. I believe people are born gay or straight, and then it’s up to us to make to make the best of what’s been given to us.

It seems your Dad had your life all worked out for you, and because things are turning out differently from what he planned, he’s reacting very badly. He’s making you feel inadequate, like you’ve failed in some way. You haven’t. If he’s not proud of the courageous and self confident son he has, it’s a terrible shame.

And I’m fed up with parents telling their kids that they’re going through a phase because they’re not prepared to hear the truth! You know how you feel, and you were brave enough to confide in your family. You did an amazing thing, and your Dad is doing the equivalent of throwing a tantrum until he gets his own way. But he’s not going to get his own way, because you can’t be brainwashed into being straight, and you’ll live your own life and find happiness in your own way. It might be different from how Dad imagined, but it will be no less valid and wonderful.

As a gay man, you won’t have children. And personally, I think with the world’s population problems I don’t think it’s a bad thing that nature selects some of us not to reproduce. But as for having a good education, successful career, loving partner, cosy home and soppy dog – you can have all that.

Your Dad needs to accept who you are, not waste time wishing you were heterosexual and making you feel inadequate. He’s had his turn and made his choices, and you have the right to do the same.

Read (or better yet, get Dad to read) my Advice for parents and friends section.

You have done nothing wrong. You’re a good person. You can - and deserve to - be happy.