Problem page: new letters

Hi James,

And thank you for sharing your story. I'll start by saying that there's nothing weird, uncommon or unsolvable in anything you've said.

Well done on coming out to your family. I know it takes a lot of courage, especially since they have a prominent faith that isn't always accepting of homosexuality. For most, coming out to family and immediate friends is the biggest and first step on the road to greater self acceptance, confidence and a more full and fulfilled life.

Your shyness and initial reluctance to face your sexuality head-on is completely normal and I've heard similar accounts many times on the website. When people feel that there's just no way they'll be accepted for who they are leaves a person feeling as though they have no choice but to either hide or to pretend to be the person they think their family and friends want them to be. Escaping into video games, movies or books to distract yourself is one way. At the other end of the scale you have people who turn to drink and drugs to block out issues that need dealing with. There's nothing wrong with escapism and most people enjoy it; it's a great way to unwind and be entertained when not at work or school. But getting wrapped up in 6 hours of World of Warcraft – for example - each evening and side-stepping important real world matters is not healthy. It sounds as through you've moved on from that and it's also good to hear that you're also addressing your weight problem and physical health. I can tell you as someone who's dieting at the moment that it's hard work but well worth it. Confidence does shoot up, and while I wouldn't suggest anyone lose weight solely to attract a mate – it has to be for health and well-being firstly - it's a nice bonus to get some admiring glances from the guys as the pounds come off.

Standards and morals are important, James. You know who you are and what you want and you don't bend in the breeze of popular opinion or what everyone else seems to be up to. Hold onto that. Stick to your guns and wait for a guy who is faithful, committed, kind, not into drugs etc. There are guys like that out there. It might mean that you have to be more patient while you find the right one, but better to be patient than to sell out your believes and get together with someone who's less than suitable. In the long term you'll be much happier and you'll have the real thing. It can be hard to stand firm in your beliefs when others are out clubbing and sleeping around. Sometimes, 'if you can't beat them, join them' may seem appealing when you're in bed alone, but harming your body, being too stoned to remember names and having drunk sex with people you don't know very well is a pretty lonely and empty way to behave and it's not a great way of finding a potential partner; someone you really connect with.

Being gay isn't a club where everyone does the same thing. Sure, some wear it like a badge and it defines their behaviour and attitude, but being gay is what you make it. It doesn't have to be a big deal at all; it merely states that you find members of the same sex attractive. What you build on top of that basis is up to you.

In order to move forward I think you need to push yourself more. Shyness can be a bit of a handicap, but you can overcome it. I'm not saying you have to become an extrovert. You may always be a little shy, and that's fine and just who you are, but it's good to get to the stage where it doesn't hold you back. It sounds like there may be lots of opportunities in your school, with such a large gay presence. bgiok is a UK based site and I don't have listings for gay groups in the US, so you'll have to do some research and see what's in your area or in places you could feasibly travel to. Ask classmates or teachers. What other resources are there at the school? Does it have any groups, no necessarily gay specific, that you can attend? Maybe a hobby or interest group. Meeting and interacting with new people, straight and gay, will help to increase your confidence. Attending groups based around a common interest is a good way of meeting people with at least some of the same interests as yourself. It's worth remembering that you meet gay people in all kinds of circumstances, and Mr Right may not necessarily be sitting in a bar somewhere or attending a gay group – he might be doing an after-school video games seminar. Also, try not to dismiss anyone too quickly. You might not be soul-mates with your room-mate, but have you really tried to get to know him? Be open-minded with new people and you might make valuable friends in unexpected places. The more you get involved and embrace opportunities, the more likely you are to at least make some great new friends. Be braver and take advantage of the opportunities that the school and those around you present.

I know it's hard to alter your behaviour, but as your confidence increases and you discover new people you'll be glad you pushed yourself. It sounds as though you're very much on the right track; you're a sensible, thoughtful, intelligent and articulate person with a good attitude. You just need a little nudge out the door, and perhaps this email can serve as that.

Hi Lucas,

I'm sorry to hear that your grandma hasn't been so relaxed and accepting about your homosexuality as your mother and siblings. Although it's painful, it's important to remind yourself that 5 of the people closest to you haven't let you down. Hold onto this when you're feeling down about your grandma.

You haven't done anything wrong that your grandma may or may not approve of. Simply, you are gay; something you have no control over or say in. You're the same person you were before you come out and it's an opportunity for those who care about you to accept and support you. It's not something you have to apologise for or ask for forgiveness for. I expect your grandma has all sorts of negative ideas about what being gay means. This is her problem. Don't let the ideas of one person derail you and put a dampener on the reaction of other family members; you have a lot to feel good about.

You say that your grandma still loves you. Perhaps there's hope she'll come around, given time to digest your news. Be patient and don't push the issue. Read the coming out section for more insights, as well as the advice for parents and friends page for a look at what people you come out to might be thinking and feeling.

Hi Will,

Sometimes, if a person is in an especially hostile and homophobic environment, it is advisable to withhold the truth about his or her sexuality and make a life for themselves somewhere else when old enough. Often though, the fear of coming out and wild imaginings of how people will react can warp our view of reality and make us more stressed out and apprehensive than we need to be. Nobody in your immediate surroundings knows that you are bisexual, so you have absolutely no basis on which to gauge how others might react. It's all guesswork and worries at the moment.

Most people, sadly, will hear words like 'faggot' and 'poof' thrown around, especially if those using them don't know that someone in earshot is gay or bi. I had apologies, when I cam out, from people who'd been using words like that. These weren't homophobic people – just a bit immature and thoughtless.

How do you know that your parents won't react well to your news? Again, a few throwaway comments when they've seen a camp character on Coronation Street doesn't mean they're anti-gay. Finding out that someone close to them is not straight might not raise the sort of negativity and rejection that you fear. Think about what evidence you have to suggest that they'd react badly. You might discover that you don't have very much.

Coming out is scary, and I can't say how any of the people in your life will react. But it's important for me to balance the issue and say that it might not be as bad as you've built it up in your mind to be. Sometimes people can surprise us.

Read the coming out section for more. Remember, there's no rush to come out. This is about you and what you feel comfortable with.

Hi Ollie,

Sexuality can be quite fluid, still forming and asserting itself, especially in the early teens as puberty kicks in. So the problem with coming out as gay at 11 is that a person may very well discover other aspects to their sexuality as they grow. Your desire to understand yourself and apply a label to your sexuality is normal but can be restricting. Sometimes we're so keen to label ourselves that we cut ourselves off from other possibilities and later have to re-evaluate. The biggest example of this is that most people label themselves as straight by default, often without even really considering it. For many, this label soon proves insufficient and becomes a source of confusion.

If you find women sexually appealing, even just one, then technically you are bisexual. Only you know if these feelings toward women are strong enough for you to want to explore them. From reading your email, it sounds as though your stronger urges are toward men. But it's not good for you to try to put a lid on part of yourself that might feel inconvenient. If there's a strong urge there toward women, then you might want to explore that. Being bisexual doesn't mean that you have a 50-50 split of interest between the sexes. You may be mostly interested in men, but find some women sexually appealing. This doesn't mean you ever have to even have a relationship with a women if you don't feel strongly enough inclined, but it is important that you accept this part of yourself, just like you accepted your homosexuality three years ago.

The information you need about how you feel toward men and women is right there in how your body and mind respond to them. This is the most reliable source of guidance when trying to understand who you are. Let your natural leanings take you in the appropriate direction. Don't try to restrict or mould them because that's not being honest with yourself.

Read my bisexuality section for more.

Hi Max,

I'm sorry that your friend behaved so insensitively after you told him you weren't sure about your sexuality. You have to remember that not everyone, at 11 years old, is as grown up and intelligent as you are. To many 11 year olds, homosexuality is some weird and funny concept that they don't really understand. Most 11 year olds won't have hit puberty yet and simply won't be familiar with sex and sexuality, so it's all a bit of a giggle to them. You have to be patient with other children of your age who simply don't know better. I know it hurts, and if you feel you are actually being bullied then you have to speak up about it. See my page here for more information.

If you think that telling your Mum about your concerns would be helpful, then go ahead and do it. Talking to an adult about these issues should give you insights and advice that children can't. I imagine your Mum will point out that at 11 years old you have a lot of growing to do and shouldn't be too eager to label yourself. She'd be right. It's normal to want to rush ahead and try to figure everything out, but sexuality is one of those things that will develop and take shape in its own time. You will find that as you get older you understand yourself better and know what you want. It's different for everyone, but in my case I didn't really know that I was gay until puberty hit and I found myself being strongly attracted to men and not women. It's important to give yourself time and try not to get into a pattern of obsessing about it. Sexuality can't be controlled or forced and it won't make any more sense any quicker by worrying about it. Sometimes, the more we focus on something that's worrying us the more cloudy it becomes; We lose our ability to just see the simple facts that our bodies and minds are presenting us with.

I understand that being popular is important to you. As we get older and learn to feel more comfortable with who we are, there is less emphasis on being validated by others. But it's hard to be judged and to feel that people don't accept and approve of you. It's important to be true to yourself and not to change for other people or to pretend that you are someone you aren't in order to please them. Some people go through their whole lives while pretending to be the person that they think other people will like. But we don't have to be actors like that. Sure, some people might respond differently to you because of your sexuality concerns, but the good friends that really matter won't care. Is it a good thing for everyone in the room to like you if you have to hide parts of yourself, or better for a quarter of the room to like you because they know who you are and accept it? I think it's a simple question to answer.

You haven't changed, Max. Some people have changed how they behave toward you because they aren't mature enough or – understandably for 11 year olds – worldly wise and open minded enough. Your news has made them have to deal with issues they know nothing about.

Hi Conor,

This is a tough situation, and there's no way around the fact that you need to choose between your boyfriend and your best friend. The strength of your feelings toward Jack go back further than those you have for your boyfriend. You've had feelings for Jack for a long time, and it must feel amazing to finally be able to be as close to him as you have always wanted. But things are different now, you have a boyfriend and some might say that Jack missed his chance. Neither of you are being fair on your boyfriend and, although it's not easy, you have to figure out which guy you want more so that you can do right by the other.

It sounds as though Jack isn't completely comfortable with his sexuality. It's taken a girlfriend and a bit of time to realise and/or accept that he's attracted to you. What does he actually want? Was it just a kiss and a cuddle that night as a one-off, or does he want to be your boyfriend and make a go of things? Is he going to be open about it and come out, or does he want to hide his sexuality and his feelings for you from friends and family? Would being with him mean keeping things a secret? Is he ready to face up to his feelings and be the guy you want? What do you want from Jack and, more importantly, can he provide it?

About your boyfriend: Is the relationship serious? Do you think it has a future? Does the relationship give you what you want? Is he a substitute for Jack or did you fall for him because he's a great guy and nothing to do with Jack? You shared your first sexual experience with your boyfriend. That's a big deal. Think about how strong your feelings are for him and weigh that up against what Jack represents.

Only you know how you feel and how strongly you want these guys. Think about what they both represent and think very hard before making a big change to your life. Finally kissing the guy you've had feelings for for years must have been amazing, but you need to ask yourself what happens after the kiss. What does the day after look like? And is it worth losing your current boyfriend over?

Hi Alex,

It sounds like you've handled yourself very well and know who you are and what you want. You sound level-headed and sensible, which is a great basis to tackle any hurdles in life.

The acceptance of the family is important to most people and the first thing most people want to do when something wonderful happens to them is to share the news with family and friends. You've met a lovely guy who makes you happy and, naturally, you want to share your happiness with your family and also seek their approval. Not just of Ricky, but of your sexuality. It's quite a big chunk of news to give to someone and it's understandable that you're apprehensive about delivering it.

Since you think that your Mum will be okay about things, then why not just start by telling her. Perhaps ask that she keeps it between you and her for the time being. She may be able to offer some insight into how your brother and Dad might react. It's normal to imagine the worst, but sometimes people surprise us. I've known people who I imagined would be quite homophobic to be completely
fine when they heard the news of my sexuality. There's something about a family member or friend coming out that prompts different behaviour to the sort of casual homophobic response some people exhibit toward strangers or gay characters on TV (though I don't excuse that).

In the long term your sexuality will come up. If you and Ricky continue to be serious and perhaps one day live together, then it only gets harder to hide your relationship from the people close to you. It's more a matter of 'when' you decide to come out, not 'if'.

Think about how happy you are and how good you feel with Ricky. Even if some people don't immediately accept your news, you know that you're on the right path for you. Stand firm and be proud of who you are and what you have found with Ricky.

Hi Darren,

You made a mistake. You were attracted to someone else and you took the opportunity to be with that person in that moment. You're not the first. I think this event has triggered bigger questions about who you are and what you want.

You seem almost desperate to keep hold of your girlfriend. Why is what? Do you love her? What is that feeling you don't want for the rest of your life? The feeling of guilt over cheating or the feeling of attraction toward men? Only one of those feelings will fade with time.

You are obviously in a lot of distress at the moment. It sounds like you feel very guilty about cheating, but is there more to your distress than that? You were obviously very attracted to the guy you were intimate with, and your actions would suggest that you are bisexual. You need to think hard about what it is you really want. Are you a gay man who's running away from the truth? Or are you bisexual and just made a mistake? Being bisexual doesn't mean you can't settle down with just one person (in effect, one sex), but you do have to ask yourself whether denying yourself sex with men is something you're prepared to do for as long as things last with your girlfriend. These questions are important to answer before you take things further, like possibly getting married and having children.

If you love her and she makes you happy and the physical side of the relationship satisfies you, then put this episode behind you and enjoy what you have. There's no point confessing unless you think it'll bring anything positive into your lives. But if you're not really the guy she thinks you are and your attention is drawn in other directions, then it's time to face the truth and make some changes.

Hi Beth,

When I told my brother that I was gay he thought I was joking, so I know how you feel when you told your friend. I guess when some people think they know you quite well and have you figured out, it can be a bit of a shock to find out that they didn't know you as well as they thought they did; they are forced to change their outlook in several ways. Being gay or bi is still a big deal for some people, so having a friend or family member come out takes a while to process and get used to. We have to try to be patient with people. None of us get told how to handle things like this in school, so try to be patient with friends who don't seem to get it. Try bringing the subject up again with your friend, in a calm and considered way, and eventually it'll start to sink in.

I can also relate to the second part of your email. When I was in school I was madly in love with a friend who was always telling me about his girlfriend. I was good friends with her too, so it was a confusing time. I think it's important to be realistic: You know she's straight and that you can't be together romantically. Although this can be painful, you have to move through it so that you can get back to enjoying the friendship. I find it helpful to remember that friendship isn't a poor second to a relationship; it's valuable and wonderful in its own way. Often, friendships outlast relationships and are very important.

Read my coming out section to help you decide whether to come out to this friend and how to prepare for it.

Hi Sean,

I know that these feelings can feel overwhelming. It's very painful when we want to be closer to someone who isn't interested or available. Please speak to an adult, a parent or teacher, if you feel that you have strong urges to hurt yourself.

The first guy in school that I ever had romantic feelings for was a bully, and not a very nice person. I was in a weird situation where the person I wanted to be closest to was the same person who was making me unhappy and scared in school. Eventually I got over him. And you will too.

It might not feel like it now, but the intensity of your feelings will lessen and you'll look back and find it hard to imagine that you felt so strongly once. But right now here are some things to help you get over him more quickly and deal with these strong feelings:

• Remind yourself that even if he was gay and wanted to be with you, he isn't a very nice person and you deserve much better. You don't want to be in a relationship with a bad person.
• Your feelings are normal and everyone has experienced them. Loving and hating someone at the same time makes lots of people struggle, but it's out of your control. You can't help who you fall for. It's important to accept your feelings rather than pretend that they aren't there. Face them and tell them they're not going to be there forever. It's just hormones and emotions and nature running its course.
• Before you got so wrapped up in thoughts of him you probably spent time concentrating on other things you like doing and spending time with other friends. Doing so again will help to balance your life out and take the emphasis away from this one person. It'll help put things in perspective.
• It would help you a lot if you spoke to a close friend or family member about all this. If there's someone you trust and has been supportive in the past, open up to them now. Problems are easier to deal with if they're shared.
  

Hi Louise,

I think you did the right thing by ending the relationship. You have to put yourself first. If your ex is not prepared to ever tell people about your relationship then a future with her would be very strained and difficult, if not impossible. You'd never be able to live together, to give just one example. There's little future with someone who won't stand up and be counted, and a severely compromised existence waits for someone who pretends to be what other people expect. I'll also say that it's hard to make a relationship work if one of the partners isn't comfortable with who they are. Whether it's a self esteem issue over looks or weight or sexuality etc. – it's a hell of a strain on a relationship if one person doesn't like themselves very much. Your ex might be openly worried about her family reacting badly to her being gay, but the first problem she has is that she's not happy about being gay either. She's got a few battles to win, but it doesn't sound like she wants to fight. I'm not saying she's a bad person, but I am saying that you deserve better than being somebody's secret. You might not be interested at the moment, but there are women out there who'd be open and proud to be with you. If maintaining a family delusion about who their daughter is is more important than her partner, then you're better off out of it. She's got many years of cover stories and lies to come unless there's a change. It's also worth considering that the family won't react badly at all, and then you've all lived anxious and compromised lives for nothing.

I think you have to be tougher. If this is over, then there can't be shades of grey. There can't be kissing or sex. You need to back off a bit and establish new boundaries for moving forward. It may also be a good idea, at least for a while, to back off completely until the dust has settled and your feelings for her are less strong. You won't be able to move on and get over her if you're falling into bed and hoping everything will be okay. She's told you how it is and you've told her that it's not good enough. By slipping back into comfortable patterns with her she's getting exactly what she wants: a secret girlfriend with no pressure to come out or take your needs into account. It's not what you want and it's not a healthy friendship.

Time for changes and time to move on.

Hi Balice,

I hate to say it, but your friend doesn't sound like the nicest chap. He's rude, jealous and unreasonable, and you're being very patient when a lot of people would have given him a piece of their minds by now. But you originally became friends with him for a reason and I take it that he hasn't always behaved as he is now. His behaviour seems childish and reactionary. Still, being a 17 year old gay guy isn't easy and I suspect that he's got some worries and issues bubbling away. Perhaps when he's rude about your other gay friends he's a bit scared of opening up to other people and getting out there. He's probably comfortable in a way with his life as it is, even though it means he's not meeting new people. You are suggesting changes and broadening his outlook which might be frightening to him. Meeting new people and allowing himself to get close to someone can cause anxiety and worry, even if he seems stroppy and confident on the outside. Perhaps, deep down, he'd like to branch out but he's clinging onto you because it's safe and familiar and you tolerate his behaviour. Being rude and brusque may very well just be a front; a kind of self-defence mechanism because he's actually just scared of being vulnerable and letting people in.

It seems odd that he doesn't want to get to know your gay friends, but he also expects you to find him a boyfriend. It seems mixed up to me. Perhaps you could ask him what he really does want. What would his world look like if he could change it? What would make him happier? If you get to the route causes of his unpleasant behaviour, then perhaps you can both talk about how he can improve his situation.

You must also consider yourself in all this, Balice. You have a boyfriend that needs your attention. If this friend of yours is jealous and saying that he feels you shouldn't be with someone (and therefore be happy, let's face it) then he's creating a negative force that could cause you and your relationship problems. You need to put your foot down and show him that there are boundaries and that some behaviour isn't acceptable. I'm sure your boyfriend must get tired of his antics as well.

You are a good friend, Balice, and he's lucky to have you. Writing to me and putting up with his nonsense proves that. By all means, help and support this guy. But there shouldn't be an infinite amount of times that he can be rude and unpleasant before you say enough is enough.

Hi Florence,

It’s not ideal that you are being secretive, but your Dad has given you no choice. He is unable to accept that you want to be in a relationship with a female and has tried to prevent you from doing so. His texting your girlfriend is inappropriate and unfair.

It would be a big shame to end the relationship and be unhappy because of your Dad’s bigoted views. I think, given the circumstances, that having a relationship that’s kept secret from him is the only way for the time being. While you are under your father’s  roof it’ll be very hard for you to be totally honest with him about all aspects of your life. He’s the one missing out here because he’s created a distance between you both and a negative shift in your relationship with him. He’s also missing out on getting to know your girlfriend and being a part of your happiness.

So you’ll have to be discrete. Perhaps you’re not usually the type of person to be so private, but for now you should be selective about who you reveal your relationship to and the places you choose to spend time with your girlfriend. I think you should avoid lying to anyone, because it’s a negative thing that’ll make you feel bad. But being selective about what you tell to whom is acceptable since your Dad has shown such strong disapproval.

At 16 you are a young adult and more than capable of deciding that a same-sex relationship with someone you care for is right for you. At 18 you can assert your independence a lot more, but for now I wouldn’t push the issue at home. Perhaps as time goes by your Dad will soften to the idea of his daughter being happy in a same-sex relationship; give it time.

Hi Lily,

You weren’t long-winded; you made your points very clearly.

Don’t worry about not being able to find the sort of woman that you find attractive. Sure, there are a lot of lesbian women who are quite boyish or masculine, but not all. It’s a bit like camp gay men: plenty are, but many aren’t. You’ll find some lesbian women appealing and not others. The butch lesbian woman and camp gay man seem to dominate because they tend to stick out in a crowd because of their appearance and behaviour, while feminine lesbian women and more masculine gay men slip under the radar. But gay people come in all varieties.

Your gay friends are a little further along the road of self acceptance, and the confidence that comes with it, than you are. I’m quite sure they had a period of uncertainty and doubt, just like you’re experiencing now. It’s normal for most gay people, simply because we all grow up in a world that assumes you are straight. With that as a basis for living our daily lives, it requires some strength of mind to ask questions about yourself and decide that things aren’t quite right for you.

You know you like women and find the idea of a relationship with one appealing. That’s a big step and it’s all the information you need to move forward. Going to university will likely be an amazing experience for you because you’ll meet many new people from all walks of life. You’ll find a greater level of open-mindedness and acceptance at university than you’ve perhaps been used to so far. There will likely be a LGB (gay, lesbian, bisexual) group, club or society. But even if there isn’t my advice to you is to get involved in university life. If you have any interests, explore them. Write for the student paper, join a group, get to know the people you live with as well as classmates, find a job on campus etc. You’ll meet lots of people and opportunities will naturally present themselves. Try not to get too hung up on meeting a partner, but instead think about meeting new people and doing new things. Partners are more likely to come along in the natural course of things if you get out and about and make the most of your time.

Whether you come out to the new people you meet or not is completely up to you. But remember that homosexuality shouldn’t be viewed as a disability or illness of some kind that you hope people will accept. Allow people to decide if they like you based on your personality and the things you say and do. As friendships grow you’ll find that the subject of partners and sexuality naturally comes up and it’s at this stage you may want to open up. You don’t have to walk into a room and announce it and then brace yourself for the rotten tomatoes! There’s a lot more to a person than who they are attracted to. You have a lot more to offer, so relax and enjoy university.

I think in a year’s time you’ll look back and realise how much more confident you have become. And I’m sure you’ll find some like-minded and accepting friends – straight or gay. Be positive and open to new people and experiences.

Hi Jacob,

I understand you feeling betrayed by Bob, but all this anger you’re bottling up inside isn’t doing you any good and it’s not addressing the issues. You need to tell Bob how you feel. By keeping your feelings to yourself you are not allowing him to alter his behaviour or to apologise. To many friendships slip away because people don’t communicate.

On the plus side, it doesn’t sound as if Bob or Jill have a problem with the news. You could turn this situation around and just say, “Well, actually yes, I am gay. So what?” to Jill. If you’re cool and relaxed about who you are then people will lose interest very quickly and not regard your sexuality as big news that must be spread around. Sure, you might get a bit of nonsense from some of the more intellectually challenged pupils, but I always remember admiring an out gay boy when I was in school because nobody bullied him as he was clearly very comfortable with who he was and didn’t see it as an issue. Instead, homophobic pupils bullied people like me who were secretive and shy about who they were. If you feel bad about being gay, then other people who aren’t keen on it either tend to see you as a target.

Come clean to Jill and ask Bob to keep his mouth shut if he cares about your feelings. But if the truth is out on a larger scale then it might be best to say “What the heck” and make the most of it this opportunity to assert yourself and show others that if it’s not a big deal to you then why should it be a big deal to them?

Hi Tom,

When I was in school I was bullied for being gay before I came out too. Bullies tend to focus on those that are different.

Looking back on my time in school I realise that I’d handle it very differently if I had the time over. When I was bullied for being gay I would deny my sexuality. I think what I should have done is just admit it to them and take away some of their bullying ammunition. As I said to Jacob on this page, perhaps the best course of action when someone has noticed that you might be gay is to just say, “Yes I am”. If you’re already being bullied because someone suspects you of being gay then in some ways there’s nothing to lose by just coming clean. In fact, by calling the bully’s bluff (i.e. doing the exact opposite of what they expect) you may be able to diffuse the situation entirely. I know that the people that bullied me enjoyed the fact that I was shy and uncomfortable with who I was. I reckon if I’d casually admitted to being gay, or even just said that I think I might be, then they’d have been gobsmacked! It’s hard to bully someone about an aspect of their appearance or personality when that person is comfortable and open about that aspect.

Regardless of the above and how useful you think it might be in your situation, it’s always unacceptable to be bullied by anyone, anywhere. Please read my bullying section for more detailed advice on this topic and how to take action to stop it.