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From: [Cecily] Age: [16] Sex: [f]
Okay so I'm in a love triangle. I'm bisexual and I've fallen for a girl (who loves me & is currently my girl) and I've fallen for a guy (who loves me as well) Basically I can't chose because there is no way to 'measure' love, but my girl needs me to chose. We are both mentally unstable and she needs an answer because it has been eating her up inside.
There is no way that I will EVER cheat on anyone, so that isn't even a thought. I'd just throw that out there, because some people think I'm cheating and that is just absurd to me.
So that's about it...
HELP?!
Hi Cecily,
I can understand your girlfriend wanting you to choose because she needs to feel that she is the most important person to you, and that she isn’t sharing your love. Even though you are not cheating (i.e. in a relationship with both) you have obviously made it known that you have feelings for this guy. In hindsight, it may have been wise not to have told her, since nothing good can come from her knowing. It’s not like she can talk you out of feeling a certain way. She’s effectively powerless and must feel vulnerable. The fact that you say you are both mentally unstable is worrying too. If you have mental health problems, that’s even more reason to tread a bit more carefully when it comes to matters of the heart and put this girls feelings first. After all, you are in a relationship with her, so it shouldn’t matter if you fancy the whole soccer team. You’re committed to her first and foremost, so things like that don’t need to be said.
While your love for both of these people may be so similar and strong, there are other factors that can help you make up your mind. Is a new relationship with someone else worth losing the closeness you’ve built up with your girlfriend? Even if you love these people equally, only one of them has been close to you as a partner. If the relationship has been good, then why swap her for someone you feel the same about? If it’s working out, then why throw it away? The fact that this guy is appealing enough that you are asking me what to do suggests that the love you feel for both him and your girlfriend isn’t equal. Here’s a girl you’ve been emotionally involved with for a while, and presumably very happy with; and here’s a guy with whom you have no idea how it might work out with. I can see clearly which is the one to hold onto.
Life is going to continue to put people in your path who you find attractive, and sometimes you can’t help feeling a bit more than a crush. But people in monogamous relationships who deeply value the love they’ve built with their partner don’t act on these feelings. They know that what they have at home is special and comes first. Of course, if the love they had with a partner has faded, then meeting someone new can prompt a break-up. Only you can decide if you really are as crazy about her as you are about him, or if the relationship isn’t as good as it used to be. Regardless, it’s not fair to make them both aware of your feelings and then leave them held in some waiting game. Decide what you’re going to do so you can all get on with your lives. Right now, you’re holding up three people.
From: [Daren] Age: [15] Sex: [m]
Hey, my names Daren and im 15 years old, iv come out recently and iv been meeting a guy for a while now, we’ve met and done sexual stuff and iv started liking this guy but he says that he is just curious and not bi/gay, i was just wondering if he is in denial, we have met twice before and are planning to meet again, people in my school have found out about this and bully us for it and he still insists on meeting, do u think he could be more than just curious?
Hi Daren,
I think that ‘curious’ is a myth. There is not convenient ‘curious’ that sits between gay-bi and straight. This guy is attracted to you and comes to you for the company of a gay guy and for sex. So, while he might be curious about what it’s like to be with a man, the urge to get down and do it makes him gay or bisexual. I’m gay, but I have wondered what sex with a woman would be like. I have no urge to actually try it as it’s just not a part of me or something that causes a sexual response. But I have been curious. If I had sex with women sometimes, I’d be bi.
This guy isn’t as comfortable with his sexuality as you are, and the curious tag allows him to hide slightly from the fact that guys do it for him. The fact that despite the bullying you both face he’s still keen to meet with you, shows he really enjoys your time together. Perhaps then, you could tell him that you’d like to be a couple. Still, you’ve only met a few times and it might be a bit early to get too serious, especially if he’s timid about being more open about his sexuality. Simply, see him if you like him and can put up with his current situation. As time goes by you’ll figure out if it’s enough for you or if there’s a chance of more happening between you.
In the meantime, please read my How to deal with bullying page.
From: [Jamie] Age: [15] Sex: [m]
Hi, im Jamie, 15 years old and pretty much happy.
Everyone in my life knows im gay, no one cares, and everythings cool. Ive had crushes on straight guys before, but that was no real problem to me, i mean thats a part of being gay. but now i feel like i need help. Ive recently heard this guy at my school i always found attractive is bi. he had a girlfriend, and we started talking, pretty flirty but nothing serious. However i grew feelings for him quite quickly. Now im the sort of person that cant just sit around if somethings eating away at me, i have to make some kind of move even if it makes the situation worse. So i told him i like him. and then we stopped talking, it was just too awkward. then he broke up with his girlfriend, so i decided to ask him if i was wasting my time liking him. he told me he would go out with me in the future, but he doesnt want a relationship now. that was about 3 weeks ago. and now im totally stuck. i told myself that i would hang out with him more as friends so we know each other better and us getting together is more plausible, but i really cant. i get so nervous. The only reason i dont feel like i can take this is because i half expect us to get together, just from little things like from the looks he gives me. any advice would be much apreciated :) p.s. ive been visiting your site and forum for around 2 years now, its soooo cool, thankyou for doing soo many people a really huge favour :)
Hi Jamie,
I think it’s unfair of your friend to keep you hanging onto the hope of eventually being a couple. Maybe he was trying to let you down gently, maybe he’s keeping his options open or perhaps he really does think it would be nice to be together one day. But the decent thing would have been for him to just say no. It’s not fair to expect someone to wait around and put a hold on their lives.
When someone has strong feelings toward us, and therefore their feelings are affected by how we behave, then we have a responsibility to be honest. Telling someone that it might happen sometime in the future means that that person can’t get on with their lives and might miss out on new romantic interests that might come along. I think your life is in danger of being put on hold while you wait for this guy to become available romantically. Don’t do it.
Make a decision right now that you’re going to enjoy his friendship, but not waste any time hoping he’ll become your boyfriend. Spend time with other friends too and try to see the bigger picture: there are lots of guys out there, and lots of guys who wouldn’t dream of putting you on indefinite hold while they make up their minds.
The hard truth is that if this guy really wanted you enough then you’d be together already.
From: [Alex] Age: [17] Sex: [f]
I'm sorry, that last letter was more or less testing my feet in the water. In truth, I have worse problems that I find myself worrying about often.
Coming out to my family. You must get this a lot.
Let's start with my mother, shall we? Ah, the ever incessant tyrant. She's the type of person who sees someone walking down the street who fits the gay stereotype and starts ranting angrily about homosexuals in the neighborhood. I know that people react differently to people they know being gay compared to strangers being gay, but the truth is that she has already disowned one other family member for being a lesbian. I had a brief encounter with said woman at a family get-together once (despite my mother's insistence to stay away from her) and got along quite well with her until my mother found out. I got into a lot of trouble that day and didn't understand why until a few years later. I still don't even know how that woman is related to me.
My father tends to make fun of gay stereotypes, and when I hear a song on the radio that I like, he always has something to say if the artist is gay or not. Still, we encountered someone in a restaurant once (who set my gaydar off like a car alarm) and, upon leaving, my father said something about not minding if he was gay. Still, he makes gestures of disapproval and the like every time he hears about something regarding homosexuality, which does little to make me feel comfortable. Still, I suppose it would be better to come out to him than to my mother, if I absolutely must.
The problem is not my parents, though. I've never had a good relationship with my father and any relationship I had with my mother was abolished when she began turning into a violent alcoholic. My real problem is my brothers. They were the ones who truly raised me.
My eldest brother is thirty, married, has two children, and is a very Christian man. I know that he loves me too much to hate me for being a lesbian, but my worry is that he will try to change me. My sister-in-law is the daughter of the senior minister at my church. (Yowza.) The minister has made references to his daughter often, one of them boasting that she became friends with lesbians and tried to make them straight, hence my concern. If my brother does what his wife did and tries to change me, I'm scared that it could ruin our relationship. I'm also scared that he would think me an unsuitable role model for his children and not allow me to see them.
My other brother is 28 and has lived most of the past decade in jail for drugs and theft. I care about my big brother a lot, and it worries me that my parents don't. I try to make him feel confident in the brief moments that he's among society, and it always seems that my parents' accusations start long before he's arrested again. I personally believe that it is the stress of things like my parents' constant pressure that forces him back into his habits. I'm afraid that, were I to come out to him, I would only add to that stress and make things worse. This saddens me, as I think that he is the only member of my nuclear family who would accept me with little hesitation.
I am strongly considering simply leaving my family behind the day that I graduate high school (or perhaps waiting until after college) and move far away where no one can find me. At least then my brothers wouldn't have conflicted memories of me. My friends have already strongly suggested that I should move in with them, halfway across the country. (I don't believe I mentioned that in my last message? They live a crippling two-thousand miles away from where I live and I am only able to see them on rare occasion, though I keep in touch with them over the internet and phone.) They don't like my dangerous home conditions (as I mentioned before, my mother is an alcoholic, and she's verbally abusive) and even their mother insists that I would be better off with them.
So, what do you say, Jason? Can you help me out?
Hi Alex,
I hope you understand that I can only reply to one of your emails, and I thought your second one raised more issues of immediate concern.
It sounds like you are very eager to begin coming out, but you are confronted by problems no matter who you consider coming out to. It’s safe to say that I wouldn’t choose your mother as a first port of call in your coming out journey. If she’s got a drink problem and has been violent and aggressive, then it’s a waste of time trying to talk to her about any delicate issues that matter to you. She needs to want to stop drinking and to seek help with that. It’s beyond my resources to cover the topic of alcoholism in any detail, or suggest local help she might seek in the USA. I truly hope she has the desire to change and that perhaps in time she becomes a reasonable person to confide in.
Your father seems to be more casually homophobic. What I mean by that is that he’s not exactly going out on hatred marches, but he does throw in negative and inappropriate comments, but doesn’t seem like the sort of man who would be unkind to a gay person who crossed his path in daily life (as in your restaurant experience). It seems odd to me though that someone makes a real point of bringing the subject of homosexuality up often, in response to songs on the radio and other prompts that to most people aren’t prompts at all. Perhaps he already suspects you are a lesbian, and this is his clumsy way of bringing the topic into the open. There’s nothing in your email to suggest that he’d be an indispensible ally and support giver if you came out to him, especially since you aren’t close, but I think perhaps he wouldn’t explode with surprise either. Only you can decide if his knowing about you sexuality would be beneficial to either of you.
In an ideal world your older brother would accept your lesbianism and respect it, and not seek to change you in any way. Sexuality can’t be changed, and no gay person needs a friendly Christian to cure them of the terrible ‘illness’ that they have. What gay people need if for heterosexual people, Christian or otherwise, to accept that some of us simply aren’t straight, and this doesn’t mean depraved, unhealthy and unhappy lives. Indeed, unhappiness over sexuality stems from the fact that other people have such weird attitudes about it. Nobody is born being messed up and unhappy with who they are: it’s all the crap people put on us as we grow up that causes turmoil. Again, you know your brother and it would seem that coming out to him will likely bring on talk of change and being rescued from your sexuality. Only you can decide if having him know the truth, and the potential benefits of that openness, is overshadowed by new pressures from the church. Remember, nobody is going to tie you up in the church basement and perform an exorcism! Nobody can force you to do anything. You can politely decline offers of change therapy and ask that you be given the same respect and acceptance that you afford them. However, I suspect that the subject wouldn’t be dropped so easily by the eager Christians that you mentioned in your email.
I really feel for your younger brother, but it’s important not to make excuses for him. You and your older brother grew up in the same house and decided not to embrace lives of crime. While an unsupportive home environment can do all kinds of things to us mentally, we still ultimately make our own choices. I don’t see how coming out to him would introduce him to new stress. In fact, I’d suggest that being more open and honest with your brother might make him feel more connected to you, and therefore his family, and less alone. As he likely feels like an outsider himself he’s in a better position than anyone else to understand where you’re coming from. I think you should tell him. There’s nothing wrong with also asking that he doesn’t share the news with anyone else.
It does sound as though your immediate environment isn’t supportive or accepting, and I can understand why you’ve chosen to keep your sexuality a secret. I can also understand your thoughts about moving away and starting again, and I don’t see anything wrong with moving forward with these plans. After all, you only live once and there’s no point in being a slave to the expectations of family and cowering from their homophobia on a daily basis. However, don’t cut your family off. I think in the years to come you’ll regret it and, flawed as they are, miss them. If you simply move away and break contact then you’ll have never given any member of your family a chance to react and behave well to your coming out. Having moved away to a more supportive and environment you can safely come out to your family and be well-clear of the blast radius. You might write a letter to them, fully explaining all your worries and feelings, and then let them digest the information and approach you. They may be upset and ashamed that they didn’t provide an environment where you felt comfortable enough to be yourself. Still, I won’t tell you that moving away and writing a letter will turn them into the Waltons, but it might shake things up a little and perhaps even bring about some positive change.
Every member of your family has their own hang-ups and failings, and I think you need to stay focussed on your own wellbeing and plans for the future. I think you should speak to your younger brother and, who know, perhaps help the both of you. As a longer term outlook: don’t spend time hoping your parents will turn into people that they aren’t. Accept that they are flawed and that, while I’m sure they love you, you need to look further afield for the support and love that you deserve.
From: [Mark] Age: [20] Sex: [m]
Hi Jason,
My name is Mark. I recently came out to my family that i was gay. At the time i didn't really know what to expect because homosexuality was a subject not talked about in my family. I cannot explain how hard the last 6 or so years have been for me to have to go through the experience of realizing that you are gay and not really knowing what to do. The problem that i have is that my parents are catholic. When i told them they both cried and said that i was just confused and that i should go and see a priest and that they could never 'condone' the lifestyle i would choose if i were to accept the way i was feeling and head down that path.
I have 2 sisters and a brother. I didn’t even get a chance to tell my brother because my dad told him first hoping that he could get him to convince me otherwise. My brother sat down with me and also said that he thought i was confused but when it came down to it he didn't care if i was gay or not just as long as i felt like i was doing the right thing. I did tell my sisters though and they were ok with it.
The common question that they all asked was 'How do you know that you are gay?' I don't understand how they don't understand (as weird as that may sound). i just said to my brother that i feel the same sexual attraction that he does but for men.
As much as my siblings say that they are happy for me to go what ever way i like they look at me like there is something wrong with me and i know that they talk about me behind my back. Since i came out to my family they haven’t spoken to me about it. Its like the family's dirty secret and their hoping I’ll change my mind.
I go to church as often as i can as that was what i was brought up to do and come to think of it over the years i have never once heard any of the priests bring up the topic of homosexuality. (probably because it is such a touchy subject) I stumbled across an article tonight on the net which was written by some guy with a degree in church etc and he quoted all these remarks made in the bible that condemned homosexuality and honestly i was heart broken. I guess this is what has made me decide to write this email. I know that i am good person. I'm caring and considerate, i try to enjoy life, I’m easy going, i work hard and i don't sleep around. In fact i haven’t even gone to first base. Its not that i don't get offers, i just avoid those types of situations.
People say that we are made by God. Well why would he make me this way to just hate me. At the end of the day i believe there is a God and that one day those who are worthy will go to heaven (sorry to go all religious on you) and of course i want to be one of them. So if i were to ignore my sexuality and live a solitile life (like my parents are hoping and have recommended) i would be lying to myself. How could they expect me to live a lie? How could they say that to me? They are my parents! And if i were to go down the path of finding a male soul mate which deep down i am hoping will happen, will i be sent to hell??? (as corny as that may sound) My parents, well my dad at least, have made it quite clear that if i were to go down that path i would be 'disowned.'
Being gay is hard but being a catholic gay is practically impossible. I guess i just want to be told that its ok to be gay and that i should do what makes me happy. They are simple words and should be easy to find but considering its been six months and no one in my family have used them its quite depressing.
Please email me your thoughts. It would be nice to hear from someone who understands.
Hi Mark,
You sound like a very rational, intelligent and decent person, and I found myself nodding as I read your email because you have many of the answers you need already. In fact, if you read my section on religion you’ll see that our views on the subject of homosexuality and religion are very much alike.
It was a brave thing to come out to your religious and conservative family, and I’m sorry that your news has been met with negativity. You’re 20 years old and far from any childhood confusion or passing same-sex crush (infact, I’ve always thought the teenage phase explanation was overused; a fairy tale parents and peers use to cheer themselves up). You know you are a gay man and are not confused about it. The only confusion is that which your family are presenting you with. They can’t accept that you are gay, and make themselves feel better by telling themselves that you might ‘see the light’ or change or, failing that, simply live a celibate life where you mask your true feelings in order to please them and be accepted by the church. But you are right: if there is a god and he made all of us, then it follows that he made gay people and surely any god wouldn’t expect you to be lonely and miserable and never experience the emotional and physical closeness that is one of life’s best gifts. And nor should your family expect you to live such a life.
But in the name of fairness, let's try to see things from their point of view for a moment. Your parents were likely raised by an even stricter set of parents and even firmer and unbending religious morals. They were raised to think that the good and right way to live is to marry and produce children, perhaps also holding guilt and shame about sex itself. We all know that heterosexual relationships and marriage are as likely to go wrong as gay relationships, and very much depend on the qualities of the people who form them. But a lot of people still bow to the simple formula:
Happiness = Marriage + Children + God
And for some people this formula works, and good for them. But some of us are gay and we don’t slot into this formula because we can't produce children and we are often told that god isn't very keen on us. Therefore, some parents will do anything they can to bend and mould us so that we do fit. It might sound twisted, but your family’s motivations are likely as good as they are selfish and unrealistic. They want you to be ‘normal’ and therefore, in their minds, happy. They can’t see that being gay has nothing to do with happiness, or much of anything else. Being gay simply means you are attracted to members of your own sex; it’s morally neutral in the eyes of the natural world. Any values, like notions of good and bad, put on top of your sexuality are down to you and your family. So no – you won’t go to hell for being a decent person who loves a man instead of a woman. If god made gay people, then he’s automatically condemned them all, which sounds like absolute nonsense to me. I thought god was supposed to be the good guy! Two people loving each other and sharing their lives together is a wonderful, natural thing that you deserve, as is a supportive and accepting family where individual members can be true to themselves without reprisal.
I think at 20 years old it may be a good idea to start thinking about moving out of the family home and forging a life of your own, if you haven’t done so already. You certainly can’t have a romantic relationship easily while under the family roof, and the pressure of secrecy will stunt any relationship and prevent it from flourishing. Your father has made it clear that if you are true to yourself then you’re not welcome. You can therefore assume that you are only welcome under his roof if you pretend to be straight or, at least, ignore your sexuality and natural desires, therefore being lonely and unhappy. It's too much for anyone to ask of anyone else. I’m not suggesting you dramatically run off and shun contact with your family, but I am saying that you can’t be completely happy if you’re living with people who don’t accept you and who have actively made you feel bad, insecure and like an outsider.
We are all individuals and we all make decisions all the time about how we are going to behave. Your parents chose to get emotional and unrealistic when you came out to them, and they have chosen to make threats and generally ignore the matter since. They could have chosen to try to understand and to see things from your point of view. Perhaps they will, given time.
Your family are wrong with their emotional blackmail and homophobic attitude. It will require a little courage to branch away from the family, but it’s clear that while you’re so tightly in the middle of the family circle there isn’t room for you to be yourself and very little chance of you finding what you want. I hope you find your soul mate – you certainly deserve to.
Mark, its okay to be gay and you should do what makes you happy.
From: [Jen] Age: [28] Sex: [f]
Hi, im a married mum of 3, but recently ive started having feelings for a women i work with, i really want to enact this, am i gay? i cant get her out of my head! im so confused! please help
Hi Jen,
Is this the first time you have ever had feeling for a woman? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of this before: someone making it to 28 before their first same-sex crush. Regardless of whether you are, and always have been, bisexual or this woman at work has managed to awaken something new in you, you have to focus on the fact that you are a married mum with three children.
Is your marriage in a good state? Are you happy at home? Do you feel fulfilled there? Do you love your husband? A desire to stray with anyone is more an issue about your marriage rather than one of sexuality. If you are happy at home and in love with your husband then you’ll resist turning this attraction for a colleague into a physical encounter and move on, just as you would if another man caught your eye. Being married doesn’t mean that you stop being attracted to other people but, in theory, you stay faithful because what you have at home is worth more than a fling on the side.
If your marriage is preventing you from exploring a part of yourself that you can’t contain (same-sex desire), then you have some tough choices ahead. I don’t believe it’s right for anyone to live a lie, and you have to decide if that’s what you’re doing by staying with your husband.