Introduction

Sometimes it can help to have someone outside of your normal circle of friends and family to talk to about being gay, and any worries you may have. This is the purpose of the problem page at bgiok.

You'll find no doctors or psychiatrists here, just a friend, someone who knows where you're coming from. I've been answering problem page letters on this site for 5 years and have been fortunate enough to receive praise for my advice, both from professionals, those experiencing difficulties, and those simply reading other peoples' letters.

Send your problem page letters from the contact page.

Hi

My problem is I’m not sure about myself, even at 21.  my first sexual experience was with a guy at the age of 11. And I think the majority of my fantasies are in fact gay. I have had sex with 21 women vs 6 guys.  Now I realise if it was socially acceptable and the opportunity was there, the guys number would probably be higher. right?

well my problem is I don't accept myself as gay, and my need for men is purely sexual. where as I have a some relationships with women, and I really like that. also with the internet I must say that I find it very hard to get off on straight porn.

so lets hear it.  am I gay or what?

thanks!

Hi Brandon,

While I think sex can be separated from emotion for some people, hence casual and anonymous sex, I don’t think people can pick and choose what they get from either sex unless it’s a conscious decision to control themselves. I think it’s likely you could fall in love with a man if you met the right one, but you have only sought sexual gratification from men so far. Women are often more emotionally mature, open and accepting, so it can be easier to feel closer more quickly to women than to men. I’m just encouraging you to be as open minded as possible and not box yourself in.

It’s okay to enjoy sex with box men and women and you don’t need to make some big decision about which you prefer and you certainly shouldn’t consciously try to aim for either. Sexuality can’t be controlled and you’ll only feel unhappy and restricted if you try to force behaviour on yourself. It’s natural to want to know who and what we are, to have some clarity over our feelings and label ourselves for our convenience and the expectations of others. Although we’re bound to analyse ourselves and spend time thinking on things, sexuality can’t be put under a microscope like this and it needs freedom to develop and form. All the time you’re stressing about what you want, you’re burying the simple truths of what you feel. An example would be a man who feels guilty about being gay. He might walk into town and see a guy he feels attracted to. He might feel bad, think it to death, tell himself he can change. Underneath all this is the simple truth that he is attracted to men, and within that is potential for great pleasure and the enrichment of his life. So, try to cut through the baggage and see the pure desire and instinct underneath. It takes practise, but we all know how we feel, deep down. It’s all the nonsense we pile on top that makes life confusing. Instead of worrying about whether you are gay or bisexual, just get on with your life and see who you’re drawn to naturally.

Sorry this is dead long....

I'm unsure weather i'm Gay or Straight my parents asked me a few weeks back what are you interested in, i said i was unsure as i'm not. I did explain i think i may be more gay than straight, only problem is my mum and dad are really homophobic and have done everything in their power over the years since i was like 5, to make me a REAL MAN - making me like football etc and disagreeing with my music. When they see gay people on telly they shout out all sorts of names like "Puff" etc, i don't mind that but all this makes me terribly scared to come out, as even though i'm still unsure about who i am, i'm slowly seeing the clear picture and i've always known i like men over woman anyway so if i was bisexual i'd be more gay!

Only the other day i had a blazing row with my mum while my dad and brother wasn't there, not over my feelings but over something else which lead to my sexuality, and my mum said very nastily " WELL YOUR DADS SAID TO ME,THAT IF YOU WANNA DO THAT STUFF YOUR NOT DOING IT IN OUR HOUSE! I DON'T YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HOLDING HANDS ON MY SOFA, AND IN YOUR BEDROOM DOING THAT STUFF, YOU'LL HAVE TO GET YOUR OWN FLAT! Then i got upset and tried to defend myself like " so you're going to wash your hands of me then" and stuff like that but she was denying it, then she had the cheek to say i don't mind you and a girl knocking on my door and holding hands and in doing stuff in your room etc, but not a boy!!!

But where the heck am i meant to have my first gay experience then? I can’t just turn around and buy a place of my own at 18!

I don't wanna be doing it toilets etc like Geroge Michael, just because i can't be in my own house, i not like that!!

i want a nice sexual experience in my bed or something. But obviously i can't with my parents the way they are, how can i make them see differently, it’s like they think its a disease!! I think its because they’re older and they see gay people on telly like Graham Norton etc, and think it’s all camp! But i know its not!

Then again i'm worried because i'm not camp like that and i'm not attracted to camp people, all the blokes i seem to fancy are straight, and the ones in the media the same! Like when Mark from Westlife said he was gay for example i seemed to stop fancying him, but admired him at the same time and respect him!! i could never fall in love with someone like Graham Norton, i like blokish Lads not camp ones and ones who seem dead straight!! Then again though i'm the one who seems to  like the camp things like Kylie and Scooch and Steps, the list goes on! But i don't act camp!

So what am i to do, i would like to come out, but then there’s my parents kicking me out the house as they are very homophobic, i think deep down i'm not unsure its like i'm trying to fancy girls for the sake of my parents, and then again i've never tried it with a girl or a boy yet!! So really i am!! (God i so fucked up, even tho deep down and know i like men)!!!

Plus i don't really have any friends to talk to, i'm a bit of loner, i had trouble at school with friends etc so i'm working now and left the shit at school behind and i've lost contact with anyone my age now and no one in work knows i'm gay yet, as i want my parents to be the 1st to know, but i just can't come out with the attuide my parents have like kicking me out, and washing their hands of me!! I don't wanna stay in the closet as i don't wanna lie anymore i wanna be free!

Plus i'm going to a concert in April with a girl i don't really know its my dads best mates girlfriends daughter as she asked if she could come the concert and i said yes as i need to make friends but i think she fancies me, and wants to have sex with me later after the show, she asked if we could go clubbing after the sugababes concert, but i don't wanna have sex with her, i don't like her in that way, so i really want to come out before then as i won't know what to say as an excuse to refuse otherwise! i would like to turn around to her i say its because i'm gay, and i know everyone in work etc deep down knows i could be, so she will think the same! Then again i've never tried it with a boy or a girl so maybe i could grin amd bear in and have sex with her to know for sure who i am once and for all!

Thanks for all your help, as i'm very mixed up in the head, so thanks in advance for understanding as as you can see i have know one to really talk 2

Hi Mike,

Firstly, you don’t need to try a girl to know that you are gay. I’m quite sure most straight people don’t try same-sex sex to know that they are heterosexual. It’s unfair that being gay isn’t taken at face value and instead seem as the absence of something, or of something being wrong that needs fixing. This isn’t the case. I think you have a strong sense of your own identity. You know what you like and what feels right for you, so don’t try to force yourself in other directions. It would be terribly unfair to try to sleep with any girl when you know you don’t want to. If you ever feel you have to try when it comes to sex, then you shouldn’t be bothering. Sex should be something both people want, based on mutual desire. Many gay guys have relationships with women in order to hide from who they are, and it’s wrong. Having the courage to be who you are doesn’t have to mean a big coming out and the world changing – it can be acceptance within yourself, the knowing that you aren’t doing anything wrong and won’t lie about it, cover it up or mislead others. You don’t have to tell this girl at the concert that you are gay if you don’t want to. You have a right to do what you like that evening and simply say no to things you don’t want.

Your parents suspect that you might be gay and seem to have problems getting their heads around it. I don’t think you should pretend to be different to please them, but perhaps it isn’t wise to come out until you have alternative accommodation. Perhaps threats of kicking you out are said in anger only, but if you’re worried then it’s best to have a plan B. Of course it would be great if all gay people who lived with their parents could bring their same-sex partners home and for it not to be a big deal, but it’s just not the case. This doesn’t mean that you have to have sex in toilets like George Michael! Maybe a boyfriend might have a more accepting home life or maybe have his own place. Sex and relationships can be whatever you want them to be – it’s just a case of meeting the right guy.

I think it would be good for you to make some friends and build a life outside of the family home where you can explore who you are openly and find acceptance. There might be a gay youth group near where you live. I have a few listed on my links page, but give an LGB switchboard a call – here - and ask about what’s going on in your area. Have you thought about your plans in terms of career? College or university would be a wonderful way of meeting new people and building a richer life for yourself as well as enabling you to get the job you want. What about work friends? Could you come out to any of them and maybe gain a friend to go out with? Think about what’s available in your life already and make full use of it. If something is missing, think about how you can get it. Be proactive and life will change.

I told my mom I was gay a long time ago, and at first she didn't believe me, then said she was okay with it.  But tonight, we were watching TV and she saw two girls kissing and talked about sex, not in a crude way, and she flipped out.  I confronted her about it and she said that it "was too much for her to deal with" and the girls kissing was too "in her face".

She asked (demanded is more like it) me to see it from her position, but I just don't understand how she could act like that.  She said it wasn't a judgment on me, but how could it not be? 

Also, do you know any books or something that could help her? and help me?

Hi Emily,

There’s a good website called Gay Family Support (www.gayfamilysupport.com) that should help your Mum deal with the news of your sexuality. Debbie, who runs the site, has a gay son and a bisexual son and tells her own story, as well as offering resources and recommending books.

I expect your Mum didn’t mean to offend you when she saw the girls kissing on TV, but she’s just trying deal with something she’s not used to. It's still considered an unusual sight to see a same-sex couple being openly affectionate or intimate, and your Mum certainly won't have grown up seeing it on TV or in the outside world. It's an unusual sight for her that caused a reaction. I think it’s good to try to see things from the perspective of the parent and to be patient as they adjust. It’s a lot for your Mum to get her head around. She likely imagined you with a male partner, getting married and having children, and like many, equate these things with a healthy, happy and ‘normal’ life. Things are changing, and kids growing up now are more likely to have parents who are broader minded, have openly gay friends, and can accept their child finding happiness outside of the idea of a traditional heterosexual family set up.

You need to reassure her that you’re happy being who you are, that being gay isn’t a choice or something that happens to someone is wrong. This isn’t something you’re inflicting on your Mum, it’s just simply the way things are. Give her time to adjust. Looking on the bright side, at least you have a Mum who is willing to discuss it, even if the things being said aren’t what you want to hear. She may never be crazy about you being gay, but I think there’s some movement here for a level of acceptance to develop and for you to have the Mum-daughter relationship you’d like.

Hey dude, I have absolutely no idea who you are, but I just need to consult someone who is gay (I assume you are?) about a specific difficulty. I only no one other gay person, and he can't help me on this.

I have fallen in love with my best friend. It happened last year in around October, although I can't say for sure that there was a point when I knew for sure I had fallen in love with him. The next few months were rather terrible. He has a girlfriend, and could not reciprocate my own feelings. At first I didn't understand what was happening, and I thought he was being rude and unkind to me constantly. I cried alot, and couldn't focus on anything else. My marks at University (we are both medical students) also fell as a result.

I told him how upset I was getting, and he suggested that I might have fallen in love with him, although to be honest the idea had occurred to me as well. Being a really wonderful person he didn't shun me, he wasn't even angry, but he did say that (obviously) he was not going to change his behaviour, and that I would have to find a way to deal with it.

We didn't see each other for almost two months towards the end of last year, as both of us were overseas (separate trips). When we got back we moved into a flat together, and for a while things were much better. I would force myself not to get upset to easily, and I made myself expect less love from him, realising that he had allocated most of his capacity to his girlfriend.

Things have steadily gotten worse since then. I find myself becoming very jealous when he spends time with other guys. Also, because we became such good friends I have distanced myself from some of my other friends. It is as if I have come to rely on him for my happiness, a responsibility he did not ask for and can simply not carry.

I realise I have been a bit vague, although I presume you can guess the types of things that upset me. I cook supper for both of us every single night of the week, because I get enormous joy out of doing things for him. However, he does not feel the same, and will only sometimes do the same kind of things for me. When he jokes with me in front of other people I become disproportionately upset, and want to find a place to go and cry.

I hope you understand at least part of my problem. Any advice.

P.S. My problems roughly co-incide with when I started taking the drug Roaccutane for my acne. My dermatologist assures me the two are not related, but I have heard otherwise. Just thought I'd mention it.

Hi Gerrit,

Firstly, yes I can confirm that I am indeed gay so you’ve come to the right place!

I’m not a doctor, Gerrit, but I can say that your medication likely hasn’t created or enhanced the feelings you have toward this guy. Have you looked into the possible side effects? Even if they can contribute to negative feelings or depression, they are still not responsible for the underlying problems here.

I’m a little worried that you might be suffering from depression, which does tend to make everything harder, including social interaction. If you find that you lack motivation to do the things you used to enjoy, if you are more often than not unhappy and emotional, and doing the little things that most people take for granted feels difficult, then please talk to a doctor. A little medication can make all the difference, lifting your mood and helping you feel in control and able to function more fully. The doctor may suggest counselling which can help you move toward feeling better long term, dealing with underlying issues and how to resolve them, as well as learning skills to tackle future challenges.

A lot of your life seems to revolve around this guy you live with. Because you are so focussed on him, you have given him a lot of power. Without even knowing it, he dictates your mood (whether you feel good and loved or mocked and ignored) and how your day to day life pans out. You cook for him regularly and then suffer hurt because he’s not so inclined to return the favour; You hurt because he doesn’t feel as much for you as you do for him. It’s a hard truth to deal with, but you have to. You need to take the power back. Waiting around for him to throw some attention in your direction or to make you feel wanted and appreciated means that life is on hold for you and completely controlled by his decisions and behaviour at any given time. It feels amazing when he says something nice to you or pays you a compliment or gives you a look that makes you think, ‘What if?...’, and it feels incredible when he spends his free time with you. And then you feel dreadful when he’s got no time for you and is focussed – understandably – on his girlfriend or other interests; when he reminds you that his life is bigger than thinking about what you want or need. You see how pivotal he is? This has to change.

So I want you to wake up in the morning and think about what you want to do with your day. Don’t think about what he’s doing or how you can incorporate him into your plans. Don’t listen out for him making his breakfast before you leap out of your room to get your bacon and eggs. Work to your timetable, not his. Maybe you want to go for a walk, go into town or do some work at the library. Maybe you want to go at lunchtime, but he’s free at lunch and hanging around the house. So what! You have plans, so stick to them! Friendship isn’t about being available all the time for someone to pick you up and pay you attention at their convenience, or because you’re always there and they feel they should engage to avoid upsetting you. Friendship is about both of you living your separate lives but still coming together because you have a mutual desire to spend time together. You might find that because you are busy doing your own thing, he makes more of an effort to arrange proper time for you both. Making yourself less available can remind people how cool you are. Sitting around, being available all the time can make you unappreciated and taken for granted. It compromises your sense of self worth (i.e. ‘He’s more important than me.’) and makes you feel lonelier.

Be a bit less open with him. Don’t wear your heart so openly on your sleeve, and hold back a little. When we open up to people who won’t or can’t give us the support we need it makes us incredibly vulnerable and easily hurt. We offer up our secrets and fears and ask for our loneliness to be taken away. It’s a lot of power to hand over to someone. If the person we’re opening up to disappoints us with their reaction, or simply doesn’t seem to have the time to talk, we’re left deeply hurt with all our walls and barriers right down. The next time he asks you how you are, don’t sit and give him a lecture on your innermost feelings. Just tell him you’re fine. Maybe you could be ‘not that great’ but you don’t want to talk about it today. Don’t give him all your precious insides and allow them to be handled roughly.

It might sound as though I’m making him out to be a bad person, but that’s not intentional. I’m sure he is a good person who tries his best to be a good friend, but without being aware of it he is controlling you and has a firm grip on your feelings, mood and ability to simply enjoy life.

You have given him this ability and you need to start taking it back.

I’m not saying that you have to be cold toward him, unfriendly or no longer view him as a friend. You don’t have to be cold to hold back a little and be less available socially. He will notice the change in you, will respect you more and feel more comfortable around you. It’s not your fault but it can be quiet scary to be around someone who’s emotionally fragile and needy. You may find he wants to spend more time with you once he feels you aren’t going to crumble and crack emotionally, leaving him feeling helpless and guilty. Sometimes it’s nice just to hang out and have a laugh. He doesn’t need to have your heart on a plate for that.

So tonight, don’t cook for him. Eat earlier or later. Maybe cook something you like but he doesn’t. Or treat yourself to something nice that you don’t want to share! Have the leftovers tomorrow. Have your meal in the communal area, but return to your room afterwards, or go out. Just don’t sit around expectantly for his attention. Even if you just sit in your room and play videogames or watch a favourite DVD, it’s taking a step back, taking control of your mood away from him and back into your own hands. Remember, you’re not changing your behaviour to get a reaction out of him, but to feel empowered and in control of your life. Put some music on so you can’t hear him on the phone or with his girlfriend. Close your bedroom door rather than leaving it ajar for him to walk past and say hello, because otherwise you’re still just waiting around for him in some way. Call a friend you haven’t spoken to for ages because you’ve lost sight of what’s important. Break free! You’ll feel powerful, less lonely, happier, less easily hurt and more able to handle teasing. When you move toward this new sense of self and acknowledge the importance of you own needs, you’ll be much more likely to make new friends and get a boyfriend, as well as having a more balanced and stable outlook toward the friend you’ve written to me about.

hey im Ryan im 17.

i have told my mum that i am gay and my older brother.

but my Dad...  its to scary, i just cant come to tell him.

my mum is on my back that its hard for her to keep a secret, but she doesn’t know how bad it is for me?

its really getting me down. please help

Hi Ryan,

It’s great that you’ve already achieved so much by telling your Mum and Brother that you are gay. Be proud of yourself.

Why do you see your Dad as a bigger hurdle than your Mum and Brother? What makes this part of coming out different? Has your Dad given you cause to think he’ll react badly? Perhaps you’re nervous because he’s quite traditionally ‘manly’? How does your Mum and Brother think Dad will react? Be sure to read my coming out section for advice and tips.

By coming out to your Mum and Brother and then not your Dad, you effectively ask them to keep a secret. It’s hard to keep secrets from people we usually share a lot with, and I expect your Mum is a bit tired of telling little lies to cover things up. Plus, I’m sure your Dad loves you and would like to think his son can talk to him about any concerns he might have. Give your Dad a chance to be supportive. He may surprise you. And if things don’t go as smoothly as you’d like, you already have two family members to help resolve problems.

im 13 and i know im gay and this is the first time i confirming it. things about me are all my friends are girls (well close ones.) but what i dont understand is why am i having a hard time telling my parents im gay if they dont have problem with gay people? why do people critize gay people if we are all human? i dont understand it! what should i do

Hi Jerry,

Well done on your first time to say that you are gay.

Coming out is still a big step, even when you know that people will be fine about it. There’s probably still a little expectation that some big explosion will go off once you say the words. And with news like that, once it’s out of the bag, there’s no putting it back in again. It’s a big deal, so don’t feel bad about having a hard time finding the courage. If you’re feeling brave, start by telling one parent. It’ll boost your confidence and make the next coming out easier.

People criticise gay people for various reasons. Some religions teach that same-sex relationships are wrong, many people have very traditional views on what comprises a family and they object to unconventional ones, and perhaps above all else it’s part of human nature to fear those who are different and who we feel we don’t understand. But things are always changing and many more people are accepting of homosexuality these days, though it does depends on what part of the world you live in; some places stick firmly to very bigoted and narrow thinking. I’ve noticed things changing in the UK as I’ve got older. I remember a gay kiss on kids TV causing outrage 15 years ago. Now we have gay characters kissing and having relationships in daytime soaps and dramas for young people. A few weeks ago I saw some educational daytime shows about gay kids experiences in school. Awareness and acceptance has grown and continues to. Read the being gay FAQ for more on the implications of being gay.

Hi, well i'll get right to the point then, a bit of background...

Im gay and have known for a long time now. I struggled with this at school (i never actually told anyone) but all-in-all i had an excellent school life with alot of friends. Through school, however, i dated girls, alot of girls. iv had sex with girls even though i knew i was gay (this still makes me feel terrible when i think of it). I decided i needed to tell one of my closest friends last year and did so. it was hard at first but become more easier and comfortable. she’s been amazing for the most part and tried hard to be there for me. iv met up over the last year with 3 lads who it has never worked out with which is where my problem begins.

you must hear this over and over so I’ll try and make it brief but im starting to feel slightly depressed. i have to hide everything about myself from all my family and friends constantly which irritates me but that’s my choice and i deal with it. i live in a village that has a tight knit community (which i subsequently hate) which is homophobic. my main concern is two things, one) as i live in such a community, im scared to the life of me my dad will find out if i tell people (gossip is regular around here). my dad is very homophobic and has told me on many occasions if i was gay he's disown me and has even threatened to hit me. secondly) as this is the case i don’t seem to be able to get close to anyone in the gay community and am even moving away this year to university over 300 miles to have some space! iv been so isolated and its like i cant seem to get out of this stage where im worrying about what people will think of me.  im not a typical "camp" gay guy im very much have normal lad behaviour like a straight lad. i don’t particularly enjoy gay clubs or "the gay scene". i think it's because i like guys who are just "normal" in the sense not camp and just down to earth (you could even say a gay lad who you would think was straight as a pole lol). all the lads iv tried to meet up with hasn’t worked out for two reasons. one, my dad constantly in the back of my mind and secondly i cant seem to open my mind to a gay relationship, you could even say i was socialised seriously into being straight with no alternative and its kind of imbedded in me. i just feel like every time i feel on a high about something this brings me down and im back to square one.

i mentioned i was moving away from home to get some space but im scared even moving away wont make much of a difference because I’ll be constantly worrying about what people think of me. my friend tells me that coming out could be easier but i live with people that i know would never accept it and would rather be more self-sufficient so im not left with totally nothing, sorry this was so long, hope you can help, mark.

Hi Mark,

I am so pleased that you are going to university. It will make a huge difference, so don’t doubt that. Universities offer a liberating environment for young people to explore who they are and what they like and what direction they might want their lives to take after graduation. For some, it’s like being let off the lead. No parents watching over and bearing their expectations down on you, nobody around who knows you. It’s a completely fresh start. You could shrug off the disguise you wear at home and arrive at university with the intension of getting to the heart of who you really are. The friends you then make will be people who accept you for what you really are, not some act you’ve worked on for years back home. These will be friends really worth having. Universities often have a gay and lesbian group, so you might be interested in attending and meeting other gay people.

It’s fine that you don’t think you adhere to the stereotype camp gay man. Just be yourself. But careful not to be critical of those who you consider do fit the stereotype. Just because someone is camp and 'obvious' doesn’t mean they won’t make a good friend. Too many guys get hung up on how they behave and put far too much energy into trying to not act camp. Just relax. We all have a mix of masculine and feminine traits. The balance is different for everyone, that’s all.

Don’t become disheartened at not finding Mr Right yet. I still haven't at 32. Most people have failed relationships before finding the right person, and even when we think we have met the right one there are no guarantees. That’s life! The success of a relationship depends on many things, but it’s a very good start if you are relaxed and comfortable with yourself, your sexuality and what that means. If you feel weird being with a guy and worry about what your Dad would say, then even a really nice guy is going to have a hard time making things work with you. I think university will give you some breathing space to meet people, become comfortable with yourself and be able to give a relationship the energy and commitment it needs. Being more relaxed in your own skin will also mean you can better judge whether someone is right for you or not, rather than going from guy to guy in the hope of something just clicking into place.

Life at home sounds hard. The fact that your Dad has warned you about what he’d do if you were gay must be frightening. What a terrible pressure to put onto his son, and how sad that he needs to tell you what things he won’t be supportive of in advance of anything actually happening. It best to delay coming out to him for now. Go to university, grow as a person and find that strength and self belief that you’re lacking at the moment. Wait until you’ve graduated, have a job and your own home. I don’t think it’s wise to tell him about your sexuality while you need his financial support and no doubt a place to stay over the holidays. I know it’s hard to have to keep things from family, but I think it’s the best idea in terms of your safety and security at the moment.

University really is the key here. Enjoy it. Use the time to get to know Mark and see how great he is. Then everything else will feel more manageable, and possibilities and opportunities you hadn't thought about before will present themselves.

well..I sound a bit pathetic saying this but my school (students) are very homophobic and I came out to my school a little while ago. Since then I was picked on by a group of boys in the year BELOW me so I told a teacher and it stopped. But recently it has been happening again and it makes me feel like crap. About a month ago I started a new job and I really like it but today the boys walked past and started shouting my name and then said things like 'have any fit girls been in today, oh you wouldn't know' and things like that. A colleague, Mitch, then said do they pick on you and I immediately replied with no. Mitch then said 'I hate bullies' and gave a big lecture about why he does. Then until I went home I couldn't look anyone in the eyes because I would start getting really nervous. I'm now considering quitting, do you think I should because I get on with everyone I but they are cool and I'm not so they probably think I'm a freak because I get bullied on and they probably didn't.

Another problem is that I have been thinking of telling my sister I'm gay, I was thinking of doing it by text, do you think I should or would it be better face-to-face because I think that I would get too embarrassed doing it that way.

Please help, I love the site :-)

Hi George,

It sounds like Mitch cares about you and was trying to be helpful. I know it must be scary to open up to people, especially as you are new in the job, but it sounds like you have a friend there. I think you should stay in the job and not let bullies control your life. You enjoy the new job and say you get on with the people there, so continue to enjoy it. It will help your nervousness become more manageable and help you to build confidence. I don’t think anyone would laugh or think it strange that you are bullied, and it sounds like certainly Mitch was concerned. Try telling him the truth and letting him help. Having someone to talk to can make a massive difference to how you feel.

Please see my article on bullying here for advice on how to proceed. It can’t be allowed to continue, George. Everyone has a right to be themselves and live their lives without fear of bullying. I hope my article will give you some ideas about how to move forward.

I think it’s better to come out face-to-face to your sister, and indeed anyone else you want to tell. Text is a bit impersonal, especially for such big news. She’s bound to want to ask questions and talk, so save a lot of stressful back and forth texting and take her for a coffee instead. Read my coming out section for advice and tips.

Address the bullying. You were strong enough to do it before, so you can do it again. Let new people into your life and allow them to care about you. Friendships work best when we’re open and honest. And tell your sister everything!

J, 16

Hi, great site by the way!

Well, I have admitted to myself that I am gay, and I can live with that. I have told two people only, as I want to ‘come out’ at my own pace. I haven't told my parents yet, and am slightly nervous in doing so as I denied the fact that I was gay to them previously! However, I think they will accept it.

The two people I told were a random guy in America who asked me (who I'm now trying to avoid) and another gay person in my drama class, who pressured me on a trip. Now, he has got a crush on me, and has tried to introduce his gay friend to me as well.

The thing is, I dislike him for not keeping it secret (as I asked him), and I dislike his personality in general. I'm not interested in his interests, etc., and he really freaks me out, as does his friend.

However, there is one guy who I have a huge crush on. He’s perfect! Got a great personality and a great body! Only thing is, he’s really shy, I’m really shy, and I’ve got no idea if he’s gay. And I’m still waiting for the right time to ‘come out’, which knowing me won’t be for ages!!! And then, he might not even be gay, and so I might lose him!

And to make it even worse, one of my female friends is trying to get me to go out with her. I know her and she’ll be devastated if I told her I was gay – she’s had a crush on me for nearly two years!

So please, any ideas?

Hi J,

I think the most important thing is to be honest with people here. You have people wanting things from you and imagining that you feel a certain way about them, but nobody seems to know the truth about how you feel. This means they are being allowed to get a bit carried away and excited about things that you just don’t want. So it’s time to be assertive, and do right by yourself and others.

You aren’t keen on the guy in drama class or his friend. You don’t have to make a big thing of telling him what you think of him and hurting his feelings, but it is perfectly acceptable and correct to let him know that you are angry at him for not keeping your secret. It’s also perfectly fine to tell him gently that you just aren’t very interested in a friendship, if this is how you really feel. This might hurt him, but at least he’ll know the score and won’t be wasting his time and energy on you. He’ll get more hurt in the long term if you indulge him.

I get a lot of emails asking for advice about guys and girls they have a crush on and whether I think there’s a chance of not. I really can’t say, but you’ll find tips if you read the reply to Andrew's email from the last update, here. Best thing you can do to make a start with anyone you are interested in is you get talking to them. Find an excuse: a mutual friend, a shared interest or class – anything.

It’s not your fault that this female friend has feelings for you, but you can do something to help her move on. If you aren’t ready to come out, then you could simply tell her that you don’t feel that way about her but that you really value the friendship. Make it clear that a romantic relationship isn’t possible. Don’t chicken out and allow her a bit of hope. It’s not fair if she’s waiting around for you and missing out on other guys. And you really can’t avoid coming out because of how it will make one person feel – this is your life we’re talking about.

Whether you come out now or not, it’s clear that you need to find your voice and start telling people what you want. Stop being swept along by what other people want and allowing that to restrict you.

Hi, I have been having problems with my sexual orientation now for about 3 years. I read about people here who talk about having gay thoughts in high school and I can not relate to this. All through high school I just thought I liked girls. I hooked up with a few throughout school and had a girlfriend for a bit and all was fine.

I was then sent to boarding school and had no sexual contact with girls whatsoever, and still thought I was straight. After this I moved back to my hometown, after a failed semester at uni. It was around this stage that I started realising that maybe people suspected I was gay. I still thought I was straight and this didn't really bother me.

During this period, a girl I knew thought she may be a lesbian and I think in her misery, suspected that maybe I was gay and started pressuring me into thinking about it by saying things like, "my friend at school thought you looked a bit gay" etc. I still did not think I was gay, but was now worried about other people thinking this (btw, what that girl did was a really bitchy thing in hindsight! I guess I forgive her though....) Anyway, during this period I also lost my virginity with a girl, I think more due to peer pressure than anything else. Anyway, a month or two after this, my boss at work asked me if I was gay when we were out at a work function. She said I had girly hands at work! This re-enforced my fear, so I promptly got a girlfriend and started changing the way I acted. The whole time I was with her I was petrified about being gay, and that I would stop being able to become hard with her. Despite this we still managed to have a very healthy sex life for about 3 months until i realised that I went out with this girl for the wrong reasons so broke off the relationship...

Anyway, I moved away to go back to uni and had almost convinced myself I was straight again, but was still worried that other people didn’t think so. This all escalated recently when my own mother said to me at my dads 50th bday "it is ok to be gay". At the time I was offended, but now in hindsight I think it was a nice thing to say if that’s what my mum actually believed (I think she said it because one of the guys I have moved into a house with, recently came out, and I guess maybe she suspected something??). In the last couple of months, my fears of people thinking I am gay have turned into fears of actually being gay, and now having experimented with some gay porn, I am willing to stop the self denial and admit that I am definitely not straight. I have no idea where I fit in or what the hell I am. I have never had feelings for another man in the flesh, but have noticed all throughout my life, I have carefully tried to hide all the feminine parts to me (which there are plenty). I also noticed a pattern of girls being interested in me, and me not being as interested in them. I have VERY low self esteem, am avoidant and now my life is turned even more upside down.

I don't trust people anymore and don't really know who to talk to about this situation, or how I should handle it so I can be happy with myself. I don't want to pretend I'm something I'm not anymore and I am going to work hard to not change my mannerisms, or what I talk about, or what I'm comfortable with (I’m extremely open minded and my mind does not seem to work like others do). I am scared and have found it incredibly painful and hard to come out to myself. I have read things about bisexuals being people who are still in denial about being gay. I don't want to be in denial anymore, but I also want a clearer picture of what I am and any good ways in which to work this out. I realise it will take time. I'm scared and alone.

Hi Raiden,

Your last paragraph is a great start. It sounds like you are fed up with pretending to be something you aren’t just to keep other people off your back. This takes a lot of courage. One of the hardest things in life is to be yourself and be strong enough to know that that might mean some people not understanding you, not liking and disagreeing with you. Life can be easy but deeply unhappy if we just go along with what other people say and expect from us. It’s not a nice way to live, but some people never find the strength to be themselves and waste many years, developing all kinds of problems. It’s not necessarily about sexuality. Some people hide aspects of themselves that they feel other people won’t approve of. A rich and rewarding life, surrounded by good people, comes from people strong enough to be who you really are. It sounds like you are on the right path, so be proud of yourself.

Young people are expected to be straight. Most things on TV are straight, love songs are about heterosexual love, people talk about straight relationships and sex. Homosexuality is something that’s kept a bit of a secret from young people. It’s not discussed in school and parents can be uncomfortable about it. So it’s no wonder that people just assume they are straight, even if deep down it doesn’t feel quite right or doesn’t push the right buttons. It’s often later on when a person gets to know themselves a little better and meets new people that realisation dawns and they start to get in touch with their true selves. For some people that can happen late in life, maybe even after marriage and children. Younger years are a confusing time, and often it’s not helped by the people and systems in place around us.

It really isn’t fair to get involved with girls to cover up the fact that you aren’t sure who you are and because you want people to think you are straight. It’s using someone. But you know this and I hope you won’t do it again.

Some people say that the bisexual label is a coward’s way of coming out. There might be some truth to this for some people, but ‘coward’ is a harsh word. I have known some gay men come out as bisexual, and in years later come out as gay when they have found a little more courage. The bisexual label allows some movement, while gay is definitive and hems you in. Also, people can react better to the idea of bisexuality, and feel that their family member or friend might turn out 'normal' after all and get married and have kids. Some people choose not to label themselves at all - there's a freedom in that. A lot of people experience attraction to both men and women throughout their lives and simply take life as it comes, having enjoyable relationships without worrying or focussing on the sex of the partner. Maybe you could think about not worrying about labels right now and just getting to know yourself. You’ve spent a lot of time trying to hide from yourself and to shape your personality around other peoples’ expectations. It’s time now to relax, stop putting huge expectations and restrictions on yourself and just enjoy yourself. Nobody can get to know themselves by putting themselves under a microscope all day long; analysing our own behaviour so that there’s nothing natural and organic about it. We learn who we are by living, spending time with people that accept us for whatever we are and facing new situations and challenges in the way that feels right.

It takes time, strength, and a little practise to stop acting and start being yourself, but it can be done. You’ll find life is very different when you do, and much, much better.

Hi,

Last year i realised that i was attracted to boys and not girls. I am very shy in nature, I don’t like sports, I would rather sit down and read a book.

The reason i write this, is because it's killing me to be "in the closet". It seems every time I see somebody who is also gay I feel attracted, but i never put myself out there.

I really want to come out but i am afraid my parents will be..... offended and non accepting, my dad once saw a gay person kissing and said "That’s Disgusting" -- What do i do!!!!!!!!!

Hi Matt,

There’s nothing wrong with not being into sports. Like heterosexual people, you either like something or you don’t, so don’t feel being gay has put you off football! ;-)

It sounds like you are keen and ready to come out, so you need to start thinking about how you’re going to approach it. Coming out can mean a feeling of liberation and freedom, a closer bond with friends in the absence of secrets and a new openness, and it can invite new opportunities and people into your life. But it can also be hard. Friendships can change or even be lost, and people aren’t always as supportive as we had hoped. It’s important to be ready for the various ways things can go. Each person you tell might offer up unexpected consequences, for good or bad.

I found that a lot of people made silly comments about gay people but when I came out they were fine about it. Just because your Dad reacted badly when he saw two men kissing doesn’t mean he’s homophobic or meant anything truly malicious. Dad’s can be immature and say things they don’t really mean or have given much thought to, just like younger people can. Of course, I need to point out that I can’t guarantee how anyone will react, and while some people surprise us in a good way, some peoples’ reactions can be a nasty shock.

Think about who you want to tell first. If you’re worried about your Dad, then tell your Mum. You can ask her how she thinks Dad will react. This will help you get a fresh perspective on it, instead of your nervous one. Perhaps start with a close friend, or someone you know is gay and who has already come out. They could be a helpful ally.

Read my coming out section for advice and tips to get you moving in the right direction. And good luck!

Okey dokey, Who's up for a story?

So, About 3 months ago it simply popped into my head. That’s damn right.

The word bisexual came up.

Now, this word meant something to me after i found out my sister and her boyfriend were bi.

Hmmmmmm....

So, i had a thought. What if i were gay? Just for one day?

Sooo, being the sick person that i am, i typed in on youtube, 'emo guys kissing'

Had a good old squirm and made grotesque faces, and then went to bed.

I now have a boyfriend.

Ah.

That could be a problem.

My friends don't know but they've been acting strange lately.

Suddenly they are calling me emo and fag and all that fun stuff.

One odd moment was when i heard them talking and i heard them say; 'i don’t think he knows that we know' and they all saw me and stopped talking.

Ah.

*Slits wrist*

Hi Al,

I think your ‘slits wrists’ comment was meant in a light-hearted way, but if you really do feel like hurting yourself, please talk to someone about it. The Samaritans provide confidential emotional support for anyone in a crisis, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. If you feel this way often, please talk to your doctor as you may be suffering from depression.

Talk to your friends, Al. It’s very hard to keep a boyfriend secret, and I suspect they know that you are going out with a guy. Perhaps they are worried about talking to you about it if they think it will make you uncomfortable and force you to lie. Do you want to keep it a secret deliberately? Are you happy to come out? Are your friends calling you names in humour or is it meant maliciously?

I don’t have a lot to go on here if I’m honest, Al. You have a boyfriend and I assume you are happy and accept that at least a part of you is into guys. It just seems that you need to think about where your friends fit in and how much of this part of your life you want to share with them. Friendships are best when there’s openness, honesty and sharing. It might be time to shake things up a bit.

Marc, 18

Hi, firstly I think the site you've made is great, it can help answer a lot of questions and inform gays and straights alike. Anyway, my problem is I'm bisexual and I've known for a few years and I’m ok with it. But that's not my problem, my brother came out recently as gay and my parents didn't take it too well, they're fine with it now though. He even brought a boyfriend home and they loved him, so much so that my mum calls him her "other boy". But since they didn't take his coming out so well, I'm kind of anxious about telling them. I am their only other child and feel that if they find out this then they'll feel disappointed and that they've done something wrong and the "there's goes the grandkids" idea and I just don't want them to be upset or anything. Any advice?

Hi Marc,

Sometimes parents have more than one gay child. This is just the way if goes. Sometimes you find that in twins one is gay and one is not. Biology is a bit of a puzzle, and much brighter people than myself can’t figure it out! But what I do know is that some parents can feel that maybe they did something to make their children gay, especially when homosexuality occurs in more than one child. Maybe your parents won’t worry about this, but it’s something that might come up. So you’ll need to reassure them that being gay isn’t a result of something a parent did or didn’t do. Being gay isn’t a terrible thing that happens when parents don’t do their job properly. Plenty of parents produce straight kids and do a terrible job of bringing them up! Make sure you reassure your parents by telling them that you are happy, and share you fear with them about how they would react. I think you’ll find them reassuring and accepting, if a little surprised perhaps.

I think it’s wonderful how your parents came around and now welcome your brother’s boyfriend so warmly. While you may worry about how your parents might react to having a second gay son, I tend to think that the shock and adjustment has already been dealt with when your brother came out, so perhaps you’ll find it all a bit of an anticlimax this time around.

Sure, it does mean no grandchildren and there may be some disappointment and adjustment, but I think your parents have already opened their minds to the idea of a gay son and what this does and doesn’t mean. They know that it’s not a big deal and that the important thing is that their son is happy, just with a guy instead of a girl.

Don’t be surprised if they deal with your news a lot better than you currently anticipate.

Tom, 17

I've known that I'm gay for several years now, coming out wasn't a problem and my family all (bar one) know and accept it. I am confronted with a number of problems however. I wasted two years of my life obsessing over a guy who could never be interested in me, I spent every waking hour thinking about him and it drove me so far I threatened (and genuinely wanted) to kill myself if he didn't talk to me, which resulted in my school coming close to throwing me out. However, in recent months I've finally been able to get over him, only to immediately fall straight in love with another. This time I can't figure out his orientation for my life, and I'm scared silly to make any move in case he's straight. The situation is further complicated by the fact he is a friend of the guy I was in love with before. I am quite simply clueless of where to go from here, I can't sit here and not do anything, whilst at the same time I can't go and do something which has bad consequences for me and my chances.

On a broader note, I have two further problems stemming from my sexuality. The first is a serious anger I have at the attitude people in my school take to gay people. The word gay seems to be used increasingly as a negative adjective which heavily insults me, and I never stop short of telling people that. The other problem is that I don't conform to any of the gay stereotypes, such as a strong feminine side, camp attitude or dance music taste, which I've been told puts gay people off me. I'm a long-haired, normal-acting Iron Maiden fan who just happens to be gay. I seem to be the only person who doesn't think that's OK, and there is no-one out there who's interested in me.

 Going back to where I started, it being Valentine's Day today I had intended to ask him if he was interested in getting into a relationship, but I wasn't nearly able to work up the courage. I can't keep on not getting anywhere, and I can't accept that I'm so odd in being a non-stereotypical gay guy that no man wants to be with me in a romantic sense. What can I do?

Hi Tom,

The powerful feelings of attraction and sexual desire are hard for most people to deal with, especially during the teenage years, but it’s harder still when the person you feel so drawn to isn’t available. It is a kind of love, but it’s not the same as being with that person and truly knowing them and having them love you back. Love that’s returned and treasured is something you can find, but there are never any guarantees that the person we like will be interested. Learning to handle rejection is an important life skill, as is being able to walk away with a positive outlook i.e. ‘The next one might like me too.’

The best way to work out if someone is a potential partner is to get to know them. All this looking from afar doesn’t get you very… well, far. Maybe you have a friend in common with this guy who you can get to introduce you. If you know the guy already then think about any signs he might have shown that he’s interested. How does he behave around you, and is it different when you’re alone? Has he had relationships before? What do other people think about him? Fact find! But most importantly, just spend time with the guy and get to know him better. You could always just ask him out, but make sure you time it right. He might be embarrassed to be asked in front of other people. There’s also the possibility he might react negatively to being asked out by a guy, so you need to be ready for a range or reactions.

Remember, life needs to be about more than being with someone. Don’t allow yourself to become obsessed again and consumed by thoughts of a guy. Spend time doing things you enjoy and go out with friends. Don’t allow a crush to steer your life all over the place, especially when it’s energy and time thrown at a guy you can’t have. Being someone's partner is a wonderful thing but life can be hollow and lonely if it's all we think about. Also, lonely, needy people tend to make bad choices of partner. It's better to be alone than to be with someone because you can't bear to be single.

We can’t help who we find attractive, but by getting to know gay people you give yourself more of a chance of meeting guys who are potential boyfriends. Of course, you find potential boyfriends all over and I’m not saying you have to sit in a gay bar and cross your fingers, but making some gay friends and catering to that side of your life will help you find someone special.

Stereotypes are restrictive. They tell young people what they are expected to be and how they are expected to behave. Although some people do conform to stereotypes – which is why they exist in the first place – many, many people do not. I like video games and Muse, hate clubbing and haven’t got much time for Kylie. I remember feeling the same way as you when I was in my late teens. I ended up trying to get into all the things I thought I was supposed to be into as a gay man, but in the end we can only be what we are, when we’re honest with ourselves and drop the act. And in the end, that’s the only way to be happy.

So dress how you want, behave naturally and do what feels right for you. Don’t let people oppress you with silly stereotypes. You might not stick out like a sore thumb like some gay men, but you don’t need to in order find a guy or to be valid as a homosexual man. It is, after all, only a part of you; sexuality doesn’t have to define you, no more than it defines a straight person and what’s expected of them. And you know what, a lot of people would be very keen to get to know you because they want a real guy, not a man that behaves and looks like a teenage girl! I think when you get out and about a bit, maybe visit a gay venue, you’ll definitely have admirers.

Stick to your guns, don’t change. Some of your friends need a strong word or two! After you’ve done that, think about joining a gay youth group and getting to know some gay people you may already know of.

Jonny, 15

I have a friend at school that I really like but I don't want to tell him that I love him in case I upset him or his family. I really like hanging around with him and don't want to lose him as a friend. I told him that I was gay and he said that he didn't mind me being gay. I don't know what I should do as I still haven't told my parents as I still like some girls. Please help me!

Hi Jonny,

It’s great that your friend has reacted well to your news about being gay, but it’s another thing to reveal that you love him. You have to think about what good can come out of telling him. If he is gay too and you think there might be a possibility of a relationship developing, then go for it. But if he’s straight then there’s little point in coming clean.

Remember, regardless of sexuality and the sex of the people involved, confessing love to a friend will very likely change things between you to some degree, especially if they really don’t feel that way about you. Things may be awkward afterwards, and if you know from the start that they aren’t available in that way, then you have to ask yourself what’s the point in telling them.

Friendship isn’t a poor second place to a relationship, and it’s very special. Treasure it and don’t needlessly stretch or test it.

See my coming out section for advice and tips on telling your parents if you feel it’s something you’d like to do.

Luke, 18

I recently came out as homosexual, yet no-one understands my struggle as a human being. I have experienced many male partners and I just feel complete when with them, but my friends aren't accepting of my feelings and of who I am. Even some of my teachers in college have mocked me for my sexual preferences, I am concerned as to how my parents will take the news, also I am struggling currently to find a reliable partner to further explore my sexuality. Could you please supply some advice??

Thankyou,

Luke. x x

Hi Luke,

I’m sorry to hear that the friends you keep haven’t been supportive of your sexuality. I suggest that they aren’t really friends at all. What use are friends who you can’t be yourself with or who you have to cover up and censor yourself for? Are all your friends like this? Maybe there are some who are sympathetic – spend more time with them and don’t spend time with people who bring you down. Maybe try to meet some new people, maybe at a local youth group, or even just a regular hobbies and interests group that your college runs.

It’s completely unacceptable for a teacher to make homophobic remarks. It’s easy to be a bit sensitive sometimes and read too much into things, but if you feel this isn’t the case then I urge you to report this teacher for their inappropriate behaviour. No student should be made to feel uncomfortable by a teacher, and your education in a relaxed and supportive environment is of the utmost importance. Speak to your head of year.

You say you have had many partners. There’s nothing wrong with this as such, but if you’re looking for a meaningful relationship and a real connection with someone then I suggest you slow down a bit and be more selective. If you want love, then getting sexual very quickly with someone is a sure way to get hurt. Hold back a bit, go on dates that don’t end in sex, and give more of yourself once you’ve found someone who’s really worth it. Sex doesn’t turn a okay guy into Mr Right. Having many partners doesn’t necessarily mean you’re more likely to stumble across the right guy for you eventually, it just means you are starting plenty of dead-end relationships with the wrong people. Hold back a bit and be more selective.

A lot of people have coming out concerns in this update of the website, and as usual I refer you to my coming out section which should get you started. And it saves me retyping the same thing ten times! ;-)

Danny, 23

Hey,

Reading your site has been really useful so firstly huge thanks for that! I am 23 (quite old compared to some posts on here… eeek!) and have known I was gay since I was about 15 and had a relationship in my final years at school. I came out to my friends and some hated me some knew already and some couldn't care less and still loved me for the fantastically amusing person that i was - in other words being gay didn't come into it. This was all great in the long run and I have some fantastic friends who truly love me for who i am.

Anyway.. to get to the problem, I came out to my Mum when I was 18 and it went badly, massive arguments, crying, shouting - the works. She begged me to end my relationship and be normal again! (yes, those exact words) and under no circumstances tell my father however my two brothers already knew. It put a massive strain on the relationship with my boyfriend (which already had problems) and it all ended badly which I got over and put down to experience. However, I never said another word to my Mother about being gay and she has never asked me since. Despite having a stupidly close relationship, especially since returning to the North east after uni, however, I live with friends now.

I have had a rough time over the last five years coming to terms with being gay and have really struggled with depression after university but never sought any "medical" help and have come through the other end as a stronger person but I am sick of not really being myself. Being the only single person in my friendship group its tough and everyone seems to be finding that special person!

My main problem is that I think if I am ever to fully accept being gay and have another relationship then i have to tell my parents and get it out the way. Because my whole life feels on hold. I only ever tell close people and they have never suspected because I hide who i am every day of my life. It’s crap and I have to do something about it! (I have said that for 8 years!)  My friends say I need professional help but then I think i am not crazy just a really lost young man! I don't really know what I am asking here but it’s just good to put it all down and get it off my chest.

I know that it’s my fault with my mum, I gave her false hope and in some ways i wanted to believe i could change. I know that I am gay though and i just want the courage to fully admit it, to tell my parents and to not care about who finds out.

I just feel that getting through each day is hard enough without having to deal with massive family arguments or rejection. I just really need someone to tell me that it can get better and that just hanging in there a bit longer will pay off. Thanks for your time. Danny.

Hi Danny,

Your Mum, like many, is very traditional and old fashioned. When she thinks about what will make her son happy, normal and healthy, she sees a wife, kids, a nicely maintained house and a sensible car. It’s what she was raised to think of as the norm, with other options - like focussing in a career and not having children - being unthinkable and some kind of blasphemy. These days young people feel more comfortable stepping outside of the traditional ‘plan’, openly enjoying same-sex relationships. Your Mum needs to change, or at the very least come to some level of acceptance about who her son is and what he needs to be happy. You do not need to change, Danny. Besides, you can’t!

If your parents really can’t accept it then you have to make a decision: You have a relationship with them but never mention your boyfriend or anything relating to your sexuality, or you take a step back from them and find substitute support and acceptance through your partner and friends.

It is unhealthy for you to spend time with people who want you to magically change who you are for their convenience, and this applies to family too. Having your sense of self compromised has contributed to a feeling of not knowing who you are, of being lost, and has ultimately fuelled your depression. So it’s well over due that you start being Danny, whether people like it or not. Don’t let other people shape you into what they expect you to be, sabotaging your relationships along the way.

Your family will just have to take the truth and deal with it, because you deserve to be happy. Your Mum needs to learn that you can be happy, even if you live differently from how she imagined.

Shepherd, 13

hi Jason...... my name is shepherd and I’m in the closet. i found out that i was gay 2 years ago (i had a crush on a really cute boy, and i have a major passion for fashion). and I’m really scared of coming out....... i don’t know what to do and how to do it. i have one brother who is always really mean to me by making fun of how i walk or get dressed or anything. i guess I’m just scared....... what should i do????? also to top it off my friends at school call me "fag, gay, queer, bitch, man-lover, and mother fucker" they are all really mean to me. I’m scared of what will happen (wipes away tears:()

please answer me..... thanks a lot.....

-Shepherd

Hi Shepherd,

Another person who has ‘friends’ who make him feel bad about who he is. There’s definitely a few people on this page who need new friends!

If you think your friends are just teasing without malice, then perhaps you can talk to them and explain that their name calling upsets you and that you’d like it to stop. Otherwise, spend time with people who don’t treat you this way, or make an effort to make new friends or spend time with people you’d like to get to know better. If you feel your friend’s behaviour has gone beyond a ‘bit of fun’ and has become bullying, then please speak to someone about it. Read my bullying article here http://www.bgiok.org.uk/bullying_special.htm

It sounds as though you’d like to come out but are worried about what might happen. It also sounds like some of the people around you already suspect that you might be gay and are already behaving badly over it. So I could suggest that coming out will only confirm your sexuality to them and won’t change their behaviour. So it boils down to whether you want people to know for sure and tease you, or to be unsure and tease you! Doesn’t sounds like much of a choice, but I know it can mean the world to come clean about who you are and bravely come out. It might give your brother and these friends of yours a shock and leave them speechless for a change. Taking control is empowering and will make you feel better.

Standing up to people and taking action against bullying behaviour is a core issue here, Shepherd, and separate from your coming out. Whether you come out as officially gay or not doesn’t change the fact that you – like anyone – deserve to live a life free from being made to feel bad about who you are.

See my coming out section for advice and tips.

Stephen, 15

Hi 

I’m Stephen. im 15 and im going thru a hard time lately. I think im Gay but im not sure if i want 2 come out yet. And most people in school think im gay even though i insist im not all the time. i often thought of coming out but then thought of the shame + bulling i would get from sum people.

 My family are my biggest fear, im an only child + my mother is a single parent. but its my cousins i fear the most. Not 2 mention my cousin/Best friend who is Very Homophobic.

I have seriously considered suicide (spelt wrong). But i Couldn’t leave my mother, and that is the single only reason.

I'm not very religious but i have actually prayed 2 god 2 take homosexuality away 4om me.

At the moment im not ready 2 come out but hopefully will some day.

What can i do??

P.S. Ur site has been great support.

Hi Stephen,

I’m sorry to hear that you are having a hard time.

It seems you have a similar problem to Shepherd on this page, where people seem to know you are different (gay) even though you haven’t confirmed it out loud. Quite often gay people do stand out to friends, and often a gay person will find that when they come out, friends knew already. This is because – although not in all cases – homosexuality can come with other traits too, like being softly spoken, more effeminate and being interested in and enjoying activities that aren’t traditionally associated with heterosexual boys. Sometimes people just have a sense about someone, and will know that they are different. That’s not to say that some people can’t hide their sexuality, because some people do it very successfully for many years, but for some it’s impossible to hide because it peeps through in their personality and behaviour.

Don’t waste time and hurt over trying to act ‘normal’ or fool people somehow, because you’re not doing anything wrong by simply being yourself and trying to live your life. You need to work on handling it better when people do acknowledge that you are different, whether this is done in an unkind way or not. It’s an important skill for life, and you’ll eventually find that you can brush off negativity and just focus on the people that accept you.

Much like with Shepherd, it seems people are quite determined that you are gay anyway, and I suspect that in denying it you just encourage them to revisit the subject, because their senses are telling them that you are different despite what you say. Perhaps coming out wouldn’t change the situation very much in terms of people hassling you, and it might even force them to find another hobby since they can’t ask you if you are gay anymore!

Is it worse to be hassled because you are gay, or because people think you are gay? That’s something for you to decide, but some strength can come from being proud of who you are and coming out. At the moment you are hiding and being a victim. Coming out is taking control.

You can’t control how people will react, but for every person that is cruel, there’s another who is accepting. Perhaps some of your friends would fall into the latter category? Why don’t you talk to your Mum? You could ask that she doesn’t tell other family members if you’re not comfortable with that. Don’t see your being gay as something terrible that you’re doing to people, or that you’re letting them down in some way. You’re still the great person they know you to be. You have to start thinking about yourself and not how you think your sexuality will impact on other people. You can’t change your sexuality or who you are, so you need to put your energy into feeling good about it.

Please read the letter from Shepherd (above) and my reply for more advice that directly applies to you. Don’t forget to read the other letters on this page too.

Karen, 15

Hi,

Okay, I sent you a message a few months ago asking for some advice on some issues, but some other stuff has come up since then, and it’s kind of screwed around with the advice you gave me before.  It’s not a major issue, but I could still do with some advice.

A couple of months ago I started going to a support group for gay youth.  I love it there, the people are great and I’ve made a few really good friends.  The girl I currently like goes there too (yay me!).  Here’s my dilemma, though.  My ex-girlfriend also goes there.  We hadn’t seen each other for five and a half months until I started to go to the meetings.  We wound up making out in the bathroom a few minutes after we started talking, and one thing kind of led to another.  Anyways, I’m not sure what to do.  I was going to ask the girl I like out (people say she likes me too), but then this happened with my ex, and there’s still something between us, we could both tell. I’m confused now because I really love both girls and I can’t figure out which one I love more.  I know you can’t make my decision about what to do for me. But if you could just give me some advice on what you would do in a situation like this, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks!

Hi Karen,

You broke it off with your ex for a reason, so think back to what that was and ask yourself if that reason is still valid. If things have changed and the problems that came between you before are no longer present, then there’s no reason why you can’t give it another go. If, on the other hand, it’s just the comfort of the familiar that you find with this girl, then it’s not really fair on either of you to carry on as it stops you both from finding new love based on healthier criteria. I know from experience that there’s a real safety and comfort in maintaining a physical relationship with an ex, but after the fun is over, you both remember all the reasons you broke up and realise nothing has changed. It can be a real trap to fall into and prevents you both from moving on.

This new girl may well have had her interest in you quashed if she’s seen you are back with your ex, and she may be very cautious about getting involved with you if you appear to be hung up on someone else. So you really need to make a clean break with one girl or the other and not leave either worried about where your priorities lie. You know you can’t have both, and it’s unfair to dance from one to the other in an attempt to secure at least one of their affections. So it’s time to decide! Can you and your ex really make a fresh go of it, or would you be better investing in a new relationship with no existing complications? Only you can decide.

Ktee, 17

Iam 17 years old and i am verry confused about my sexuality! i have a boyfriend and we have been together for 6 months (today actually) i do love him with all of my heart and i always will and i could really see myself being with him for a really long time he is an amazing person but at the same time i can help having all of these thoughs and feelings about girls i am really confused! and i have talked abut it with him on numerous occasions and hes is verry worried that i am going to leave him to try this out and he will lose me and he keeps asking my why dont i just stop thinking about it? and he says that maybe if i stop thinkning about it then it will just go away! and i ask him back "do you think that if it was that easy in the first place that i would have done it already!?" he just really dosent understand and i dont either and that he also dosent understand and it makes everything really hard for me! i dont know what to do i really would like to try bein  g gay and having a girl friend but i do love him and i dont want to lose him and that confuses me! when i think of my life 20 years form now i see myself with a husband and children and then i have all of these thoughts about girls and i get even more confused and  i really dont know what to do! i love my boyfriend and i know that he loves me and that were both really secard but i do believe that this is something that i need to do because if i am gay then thats just who i am and theres nothing that i or anybody else can do about it! and just because you love somebody with all of your heart doesn’t me that they are right for you! i dont know what to think about anything anymore!

Hi Ktee,

I don’t think you give yourself enough credit and you aren’t half as lost and unsure as you say you are. You acknowledge and accept that you have feeling for girls that you would like to explore, and you have given voice to the idea that you might be gay. You also understand your desire to have a family and conform to traditional ideas of family.

You’re quite self-aware and in touch with what you’re feeling. Many people try to run away from desires that may cause disruption in their lives, but you are facing them.

Your boyfriend is scared of losing you, but simply asking you to stop thinking about girls is, of course, not going to work. We can’t control our sexuality nor simply opt out of aspects of it. So that leaves us to make the most of it, to explore it and find out what makes us happiest.

You may be bisexual, attracted to both guys and girls. If this is the case then you have to decide whether you are happy to accept but ultimately not indulge your same-sex desire in order to maintain your heterosexual relationship. We all notice attractive people, even when we’re in happy relationships, but we can choose to be faithful in order to keep hold of something we value more. In the case of a bisexual person, it’s much the same, except that by committing to one person you are also committing to one sex and some of your desires will not be met within the relationship i.e. if you are with a guy but desire sex with a woman, there’s not a lot he can do to scratch that itch! It all boils down to how much you want what you have at the moment and whether it satisfies you enough to stop you feeling like you’re missing out massively by being in the relationship.

If thoughts of being with girls are pervasive in your life and you really feel as though something is missing, then it might be time to make a break, painful as that may be. You are right when you say that just because you love someone it doesn’t mean they are right for you, and of course, there are many different kinds of love. Perhaps your boyfriend is more like a best friend, but your heart and body are yearning for something else. Only you can decide, but it’s best to be as honest as you can be with your boyfriend and making decisions sooner rather than later can spare him and yourself some pain.

Jay, 16

Hey, Might as well get things started.

I'm 16 and have been gay since I was at a really young age, still in primary school. But I'm not sure if these feelings are actually genuine.

I've had a friend who was gay too, but we've since broken contact, (he's done something terrible which can't be forgiven) and now I have no one.

I'm still trying to find out who I am as a person, and normally search the web for 'personality tests', to no avail. People have previously asked me if I am gay, but I usually just laugh, or say no. But I'm sure they know anyway. I've told my brother, who’s also my twin, and he's told me that he had suspicions after finding pictures of nude men on my computer.

I have a close group of friends, who I can talk too, but I feel that I still have to play the straight guy, and it's like this is messing up my feelings of what I want and what other people want of me. As this is my last year in my school, the prom is coming up and I'm sure that I'm expected to 'get laid'. I want to get laid too, but with a certain guy in particular. I've had feelings since my 8th or 9th year, and these feelings haven't gone away.

Also, my old friend and I had previously planned to become transsexuals, as we felt we were unhappy in our bodies, since then however, we accepted we were gay. But this came up once, and I'm scared it will happen again, as it would ruin my life, as well as my brothers who was in out the whole scheme.

My feelings are all over the place and I don't know what to do. Please help!

Hi Jay,

Like some of the other people on this page you are finding it difficult to be yourself under the weight of other peoples' expectations. It’s very confusing and hard to truly discover yourself if you’re monitoring every little thing you do in an attempt to appear ‘normal’ and to avoid attracting negative attention. Life is tough for everyone, no matter what their sexuality, and we are all guilty of being pushed by people into doing things we wouldn’t do otherwise to avoid disapproval. It takes a lot of courage to be yourself, but this is exactly what you need to do. It’s completely up to you when - or even if - you come out, as it’s deeply personal, but you shouldn’t hide who you are or put on an act to please other people.

It’s human nature to want to make sense of things and to understand ourselves, like you do with your personality tests. We like order, we like stability, and we like to feel we know where we fit in. That’s why people call themselves straight or gay in the first place, because it puts us in a box that we understand. When you’re gay or unsure of your sexuality you can feel detached from your friends and a bit lost, like you’re this weird alien creature that needs to either pretend to be 'normal' or go back to your home planet!

What’s best for you to do is this: absolutely nothing! Quit it with the personality tests. Stop analysing every little urge and feeling you have. Stop trying to put a big label on yourself that tells the outside world what you are. Labels can be