Introduction

Sometimes it can help to have someone outside of your normal circle of friends and family to talk to about being gay, and any worries you may have. This is the purpose of the problem page at bgiok.

You'll find no doctors or psychiatrists here, just a friend, someone who knows where you're coming from. I've been answering problem page letters on this site for 5 years and have been fortunate enough to receive praise for my advice, both from professionals, those experiencing difficulties, and those simply reading other peoples' letters.

Send your problem page letters from the contact page.

Chris, 16

Okay theirs this guy I like, but I met him online and I don't know if he's real. I found him on Mogenic.com and I don't know if it's really trustworthy. He hasn't been online in a few days so I figured I'd wait for him to reply to me. I want to meet him face to face but I want to know that he is indeed who he says he is. There were a few pictures on there so I think he might be. Do you have any advice you can give me or others who might have the same issue?

Hi Chris,

Check out my tips on dealing with guys you meet online:

http://www.bgiok.org.uk/chat_safety_tips.htm

People do lie on the internet, it's a fact. But not everyone does. At the end of the day, if a guy is telling you he's a 16 year old sex god, but when you meet he's a 40 year old overweight transsexual, then it's him who will look stupid and be left alone at the bar.

The biggest and most important note of advice is to take your time. Chat a while online, and then maybe later on the phone. Try to get a sense of who this person is and what they’re about before you arrange a meeting. If he's reluctant to share a photo and is cagey about meeting, then he's probably a time waster and you should move on. Having said that, don't mistake shyness and the desire to take things slow as someone being a big fake. Use your instincts and common sense. Everyone meets a few frogs before they meet their prince or princess), and it's especially so of the random bunch you meet on the internet. Look at online dating as just another way of meeting people, not a miracle cure to being single. Take a light-hearted approach, be open minded and don't be too disappointed if you meet a few guys that aren't right for you. That's just life.

Hi Jason, I have seen this guy casually recently. He comes round for sex sometimes. We have a great time and we get on well. I am not really looking for anything romantic and neither is he. The problem is that he says he has been sleeping with a guy who lives in a "crack den" and there are drugs everywhere. My concern is that I may catch something from him if of course the guy he is sleeping with is using needles etc. The guy I am seeing doesn't seem the type of guy to do drugs but I don't want to take the risk. I like him and we have a lot of fun but maybe it is too risky. Would really appreciate your advice. Thanks

Hi Josh,

I should make it clear that I’m certainly far from being a sexual health expert and there are websites that can give you much more details and up to date information than I can. Check out the health section of the links page.

HIV (the virus that leads to AIDS) can be transmitted by sharing needles, so having unprotected penetrative sex with a someone who injects drugs is risky, though having unprotected penetrative sex with anyone is risky, whether they use drugs or not. In my opinion, unless you are in a monogamous, trusting relationship and you have both tested negative for all STIs (sexually transmitted infections) then use condoms. You can never be 100% sure of someone’s sexual past and what they get up to when you’re not together, so it’s best to protect yourself.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with having fun with this guy and in having casual, sex-based relationships, but it’s even more important in a casual arrangement to use protection. You just can’t be sure of what he gets up to between your times together.

I was just wondering if maybe you could help me out about the troubles with my boyfriends foreskin, lol?

Well if you can well we just started to be sexually active with each other and well I'm cut and he's not and he would be my 1st boyfriend who wasn't circumcised, but n e ways we were doing oral sex and when I, omgosh lmao, went down on him and pulled his foreskin down to expose his head and I thought I was giving him pleasure cause he was still excited and moaning, he pulled me up and he said that it hurt of course I freaked out and thought I seriously hurt him, I felt so bad!! Well what I want to know is how to loosen up his foreskin so that way I don't hurt him again?

Maybe there's a cream or a lube that might help?

Hi Cody,

Again, before I start I must point out that I’m not a doctor or sexual health expert.

It might be that you just need to be more gentle when first pulling your boyfriend’s foreskin back, especially if it’s a bit tight. Water-based lubricant will help, and can heighten pleasure for both of you. I had a partner with a tight foreskin and although I had to be initially gentle in those first few moments of any sexual activity, we had a normal and enjoyable sex life. However, some guys have such a tight foreskin that they find sex painful and difficult, as well as things like pulling the foreskin back to wash the penis properly. If this is the case, then I’d advise you to get your man to the doctor to talk about circumcision. He doesn’t need to tell the doc about being gay, just that his foreskin is tight and painful to pull back.

In the UK, circumcision is usually only performed for this type of reason and personal preference (around 25% of men in the UK are circumcised), and often men here keep their foreskins, while in the US it is routinely removed. As an adult it’s a personal choice. There are pros and cons to being circumcised and everyone has a different opinion on it. Having the foreskin removed can desensitise the penis head slightly (the ‘glans’, the most sensitive part) so that it takes longer to reach orgasm, making sex last longer. Being circumcised is seen as hygienically advantageous too (i.e. no foreskin for things to get yucky underneath). Having said that, a lot of men enjoy the sensation of having a foreskin to pull back and retain full sensitivity. And it’s not hard to keep yourself clean and fresh if you wash daily.

This is a question that might concern many others like me: When you like a guy, or you find yourself attracted to him, a friend or a classmate... how can you find out if he's attracted to you or not, without coming out to him? You can't just go and ask him "What do you think about gay people?", because if he is gay or bi or bi-curious, he'll just reply in defence "No comment" or "I dunno, I don't care". And if he doesn't agree with the idea, again his reply will be defensive.

So how can you tell if he's gay or bi, without putting yourself in danger, and without making him respond as if he's "bravely" showing that he doesn't care.

I am asking this because just earlier, a few hours ago, I asked a friend of mine (after days of thinking about it) if he would be interested in a relationship with me. He often told me that I was cute, and we referred to one another as "doggy" and "kitty", so I figured that he might prefer boys. But instead I got a negative response, and I almost lost him as a friend... so I'm a bit confused. How can you tell when it is the real thing, or just some kind of silly jokes from a friend?

Best regards,

Andrew

P.S. It's a wonderful site. Thank you for everything.

Hi Andrew,

This is a question I get a lot. It’s always hard to tell if someone likes you or not, even as an adult. Signals from people aren’t always easy to read and people certainly aren’t always straightforward! It’s even tougher as a gay person because you need to work out two things instead of just one: do they like me AND are they gay or bisexual. And even if you know for sure that it’s ‘yes’ to both of those, the person you like might not be ready to be open about their feelings for you and their sexuality. But it’s not all gloomy news because young gay people do find each other and have relationships just like young heterosexual couples do.

The best way to discover how someone feels about you is to get to know them. Watching from afar won’t get you anywhere, though of course it takes some bravery to chat to people who you haven’t perhaps spoken to before. This takes practice and will get a little easier as you get older. Perhaps you know a friend of the person you like, so there’s an entry point there to finding out more about that person and finding opportunities to have that first chat. Perhaps the person you like has certain interests that you have too, so you have something to talk about right away. Maybe they go to a group or like to hang out at a certain place. Get involved.

If the person you like it already your friend but you just aren’t sure whether they feel more for you, you have to look closely for signals of encouragement. Do they flirt with you? Are they very tactile? What is their attitude to homosexuality? How do they behave with other gay or bisexual friends if they have any? But none of these things will give you a completely clear outlook. Sometimes straight guys can be flirty with gay guys. It’s just playful and doesn’t hide any serious intent to take things further. Sometimes people might appear to be homophobic, and you may assume they can’t possibly be gay. But homophobia can be a cover-up for their real feelings. People are complicated and it’s not always easy to discover how they truly feel about certain things. It’s one thing to be gay and like someone, but quite another to be brave enough to talk about it or begin a relationship.

Be subtle. Flirt a little and ask them their views on homosexuality by chatting about things you’ve seen on TV or read in the newspaper or a magazine. Try to get them alone. There’s nothing like a cosy bedroom and a few DVDs to give opportunities for truths to come out. But don’t be pushy. Some people just aren’t ready to come out and let the world know about their homosexuality. Patience is key.