Introduction

Sometimes it can help to have someone outside of your normal circle of friends and family to talk to about being gay, and any worries you may have. This is the purpose of the problem page at bgiok.

You'll find no doctors or psychiatrists here, just a friend, someone who knows where you're coming from. I've been answering problem page letters on this site for 5 years and have been fortunate enough to receive praise for my advice, both from professionals, those experiencing difficulties, and those simply reading other peoples' letters.

Send your problem page letters from the contact page.

Wyatt

wot kind of child hood experiences could make someone gay?

This is a myth, Wyatt. It’s a claim you might hear from ignorant people from time to time, alongside nonsense about single parent families producing gay sons because there’s no dad around.

Childhood sexual abuse is devastating for the victim and creates confusion and fear around sex later in life. It creates adults who may have serious difficulty forming healthy, enjoyable sex lives and who are confused about what they want and where there sexuality lies. But sexual abuse does not turn a child gay. That suggestion implies that when something terrible happens to a child it turns their sexuality wonky, or wrong, so we’re back to the idea of homosexuality being an illness, a problem, a side-effect of a traumatic experience. It’s none of the above.

Rape can also leave a person unsure, fearful and confused about sex and perhaps sexuality. But rape can’t turn a person gay. Sexuality isn’t something that can be rewritten, but it is something a person can be brainwashed – by others or by themselves – into denying and fighting against.

I personally believe that sexuality is programmed into us from the start, like other traits of ourselves like a predisposition to certain strengths and talents, hereditary traits and proneness to certain diseases and conditions. I do not believe that playing with dolls produces straight females who want to obediently marry and have babies. Nor does wearing pink as a baby produce gay sons.

We’re born gay, just like straight people are born straight. Some people drift between both. The answers are inside us to be revealed as we grow older. It’s up to us to make the most of what and who we are, not to waste time worrying about ‘why’.

Hi Jason, My name is Allen.  I knew I was gay fairly early in my life.  I let my friends know last year when I went to college, but I let my parents and family know about 3 days ago.  They have been so supportive.  This is why I dont understand whats wrong with me.  I have always been to terms with me being gay. I woke up this morning and started crying.  I had a boyfriend of 6 months and now we are falling apart.  I feel like I dont want to be gay anymore.  I am so tired of finding guys my age and they turn out to be these superficial gay guys that just want sex.  I want something more.  I hate being alone.  I cant play the swinger part.  I played it before and it got me no where.  it just seems everywhere I turn it's either a superficial gay or a gay hater.  After tears and tears this morning, I honestly don't know what to do.  I really feel like I dont like being gay, but I have known nothing different all of my life.  I don't know what to do or whats wrong  with me.  I feel trapped.

Hi Allen,

Being gay isn’t the problem here. A lot of young men, awakening as gay, tend to leap out of the closet and straight into bed! The gay scene (gay venues) can be very sex-focussed and even guys in their 30s like myself can get a bit fed up looking for a man who wants more than a ‘quick one’.

You are sensitive guy, the type who values meaningful connections with people rather than fleeting moments. You want a relationship with a decent guy – a future. There’s nothing at all wrong with that and you shouldn’t change to try to fit in with a lifestyle that doesn’t fit for you. It’s a bit of a myth that gay men can’t make relationships work and just want sex, but it’s certainly true that a lot of gay men fit snugly into this stereotype – and they’re the ones that are most visible i.e. they’re out and about, in the clubs, on TV. It might seem that everyone is sex mad, but that’s not the case. Sensitive guys like you are much less visible and ‘out there’ than the casual sex crowd, and therefore harder to find.

You can make the chances of finding something that right for you by keeping these tips in mind:

1. Make him wait! If you have sex on a first date, you’re telling him that you have a casual attitude to sex and hand it out freely. If you’re hoping he’ll stay for breakfast and you’ll live happily ever after then you’re going to be disappointed.

2. Go on dates. Go out together, get to know each other. See what the guy is all about before you give yourself sexually. This is an investment. By going on dates you can decide if a guy is for you before you get in too deep and get hurt. Also, if he is just looking for casual sex he’ll soon get bored with having to go to dinner with your first and he’ll disappear. Disappointing, but much better than a nasty shock after you’ve chosen the wedding rings months later.

3. Try new ways of meeting people. If you’re meeting the same kind of shallow guy every time, then switch tactics. Look at internet dating or join a gay sports, activity or hobby club. Look outside of your current circle. Consider dating slightly older guys if you’re pissed off with your current selection.

4. Stop looking for a man. Be single. We can become very focussed on finding a partner and unhappy if we don’t. When we are needy, we make bad decisions about partner. We get involved with people that aren’t right for us and we rush in too deeply and too quickly. A recipe for disaster! I decided at the end of last year that this was exactly what I’d been doing since a break-up last summer. A friend suggested I just stop, so I did! When we’re so focussed on finding a partner, we lose ourselves and forget the other things in life that we enjoy and the things that make us unique. Go out with friends, do the things you enjoy, take a part time job and embrace any social opportunities that come your way. By enjoying yourself and getting out and about we attract people and opportunities. Let fate take care of things for a while and chill out. You never know what new people will come into your life without having to hunt for a man. Personally, it’s working for me and I feel much happier for not going on endless dates with waste-of-time, awful men.

Be kinder to yourself and I think you’ll find you’re a lot happier in 2008.

Hi, first off...great site, love it :) My problem is this, i've been seeing this guy for about 8 months now, its a long distance relationship because im at uni however we see each other at least twice a month for a few days at a time. The thing is, my feelings for him have changed and i've been thinking of calling it a day between us. This is my first relationship and have never broken up with anyone before, do you have tips on how to do it and still remain friends? In addition, im really scared about doing it because for some twisted reason, he loves me, and im just afraid that if i let him go i'll never find someone else who'll feel the same.

Hi Steve,

Many relationships go a bit awry when one half goes to university. It’s only natural that the incredibly diverse and exciting world of university, with its temptations and distractions, will test relationships that aren’t rock solid. I’m sure you’ve met lots of guys that have made you question your commitment to your boyfriend, and this is nothing to feel bad about. Seeing a partner only twice per month would be a strain on most people and if things aren’t quite right between you anyway, then it’s the beginning of the end.

It’s not twisted that he loves you, Steve. It’s a compliment, but it does mean the break will be harder for him than for you.

Here’s some tips for moving forward:

1. Breaking up by emailing or even, horribly, text message is dismissive and cruel, but seems to be the norm these days. Someone you’ve shared yourself with deserves better, so make sure you see him face to face when you deliver the news. Don’t drop hints in advance, because you’ll just give him days full of worry. Having said that, don’t let him make big, fancy plans for your next meet. If you can’t avoid it (i.e. he’s about to book Disney Land) then tell him you have something important to talk about and won’t be staying for the whole weekend.

2. Be gentle. There’s no need for drama. Tell him the truth and answer his questions honestly.

3. Give him space. After you’ve told him and he seems clear about the situation, know when it’s time to leave. Even if he’s accepting and calm about everything, it’s not really appropriate to then go for a night out and stay over. It’s all too easy to fall into bed and confuse your ex about what it is you are offering. Go home and then deal with the fallout by email and phone. He might find it hard to deal with and to let go, so prepare to be firm and tell him not to contact you so often. He might come to you for comfort, but you’re the last person who should provide it; you won’t help him get over you by being his shoulder to cry on about the break-up.

4. When he’s had some time to get used to the situation, then you might be in a position to resume a friendship. Still, be careful not to fall into a situation where one of you desperately wants more. This will only lead to problems and hurt when new boyfriends arrive on the scene. The friendship that might come after the break needs to be based on you both knowing your new roles and not just faking it to please the other.

Breaking up isn’t easy and almost always involves some emotional pain. But by handling it in a mature way, by being honest, fair and respectful, you can make it easier on you both and make a future friendship more likely.

George:

i'm really confused! i have all these divisions in my mind about my sexuality. i have sexual feelings for guys and romantic feelings for girls, its like its totally different parts of my brain. i didn’t even realise i had gay feelings til about 4 months ago. Most of my friends are gay and know that i have feelings for guys, so i know that i wont get any problems from them but i'm not sure if i want to come out as i can still see myself with a woman and i do get feelings for women too. i'm not sure whether its a mental block that is preventing me from being who i am or whether i am bi-sexual, or straight and this is just a phase, or that i am gay and just in denial. i'm not that keen about coming out to my parents because of this either because i may change my mind.

John:

i've known that i've liked guys for a long time, but it seems as though i only "fancy" them for sexual purposes if you get me? (i've never had sex, and the thought terrifies me) but when i get along really well with a girl, i start to "fancy" her as well, but not at all in a sexual way...

i want to have girlfriends, but now that i'm sixteen there's all this pressure to have sex, and if i had a girlfriend she would probably want to have sex, but i just know i couldn't have sex with a girl(ever), cos i don't find them sexually attractive.

it really frustrates me... please help if you can...?

Hi George and John,

I’m answering you both in one reply because you have similar concerns.

At 16, you shouldn’t expect to have all the answers or to know yourself completely yet.

It can be easier to form emotional relationships with girls because they are often more in touch – and less ashamed of showing – their emotions. For a sensitive, intelligent young man, I can definitely see why you’re conflicted; most of my friends were female when I was 16. I fancied guys like crazy, but I couldn’t really connect with them, the way they behaved and the sort of things they were into. It would have been great to stick one of my female friend’s personalities into one of the guys I couldn’t get my mind off. I remember once ‘trying’ to find a female friend attractive – life would have made more sense at the time – but of course you can’t do that.

If you find guys sexually attractive, but not girls, then you are gay, or at least a bisexual guy who leans more toward the gay end of the scale. So there’s no good to come out of trying to fancy girls or getting some poor female friend mixed up with you romantically. It’s not fair to play with people like that. She deserves a boyfriend who wants her sexually and romantically. You simply haven’t met a guy yet who combines the physical with the emotional so that you might connect with both. It’s a fact of life that a person’s looks really don’t relate to their personality, but ironically, we are attracted first and foremost to what a person looks like. We can get a nasty shock sometimes when the amazing looking guy we’ve always wanted turns out to have a terrible personality.

Don’t be in a rush to label yourself or to come out, and don’t rush into sex while things are uncertain in your head. You are unsure and need time, so take all you need. Obsessing about it and trying to work it out like a puzzle won’t help. Sexuality isn’t something that can be forced, moulded or rushed, so chill out and let the answers come in their own time. You’ll know who and what you want when it comes along and you’re ready for it.

Hi, i realised recently that i'm bisexual. but i go to an all girls secondary. i really don't want to tell any of my friends because i'm sure they will all feel really weird about me. i don't like anyone from school though. i haven't even been able to tell my mum!?

could you please give me some advice? i really don't know what to do?!?!

Hi Dreamer,

You’ve not really left yourself any room to do much at all! If you don’t want to tell your friends, don’t like anyone in school and can’t tell your Mum, then there’s not a lot else to do.

I think that having someone on your side can really help you to move forward and start to give yourself options. A good place to start is by telling one of your close friends how you feel. But I can’t tell from your email whether you feel you do need someone to talk to. Not all people growing up and realising that they aren’t straight need advice or support, or feel the need for a definite coming out moment. Perhaps you’re quite comfortable with being bisexual and don’t need or want to do anything at all. At least not at the moment. If this is the case, good for you. It’s great to feel strong and sure of yourself and be happy to let life gently introduce new people and experiences.

I think you need to ask yourself what you want, and then come up with a plan for getting it, i.e. perhaps you want to come out to your Mum, so think about how you might go about it and read my coming out section for tips. If you ask for help again, be sure to state what the problems are and what you need help and advice with. Simple being bisexual isn’t a problem. It’s how you feel about, and how your surroundings impact on it.

Ok, so. Im 15. I still go to school. Ive always been quiet and seemingly, well, unexciting around my friends and associates almost everyday.

From the age of about 13 or 14 i began to realise i was indeed gay, and since then made it my mission to keep the secret locked away until i feel the time is right. As far as i know, everyone is clueless. Its sad, but i can feel myself holding back the real me, even to individuals i have known for the majority of my life. Conversations involving interests and crushes are examples. Im always uptight, stiff and uncomfortable in class, nervously glancing over my shoulders to see if anyone is judging my every move. Thats my daily routine, basically.

Just recently i have gone absolutely nuts. All my friends are being picked off one by one by the 'lovebug'. They are all straight, as far as im aware, most with girlfriends and boyfriends (as i share bonds with both sexes..) I may sound selfish, but i really want to feel loved to. I just want to meet a nice buy, and if he's gay that would be a BIG bonus. O-K, back to the main point! I think, because of my desperation, i fall for any boy, gay or straight, that gives attention. Yes, that does include teachers in my case. I have a massive crush on my Art teacher who i am most certain is straight, but still feel the need to act completely shy around him. I do get butterflies. There have been one or two similar occurances with other men but none of them come close to my age group (no older than 30.)

My main concern is the crush, or crush-es. Is it normal for boys of the same age/attitude/sexuality to experience these feelings? Is it wrong? Will i ever realise that its never going to happen?

Thats all, really. Thankyou so much for this site. Its amazingly helpful. I would be most grateful if you replied =) x

Hi Sam,

It is completely normal for people of all ages to fall for people they can’t have. It’s not about sexuality, Sam, though it might seem a gay curse to fall for straight guys. What you’re really facing is one of life’s common dilemmas: “I want this person but they don’t want me.” It’s the same as falling for a guy who’s already got a boyfriend, or who simply doesn’t fancy you. The end result is you feeling a bit disappointed and lonely. Everyone experiences it. But it won’t always be like this. You will meet guys who want you too. In the meantime, having crushes on guys is normal, and can even be quite fun; crushes make us feel alive and excited and remind us of the romantic and sexy beast that’s waiting to get out!

It’s not selfish to want a partner, just like your friends do, and it’s normal to feel a bit lonely and left out. You might find things easier if you came out to a close friend, and at least had one person who knows the whole story and can provide a friendly ear. You will find it easier to find a boyfriend as you become more comfortable with what and who you are and become stronger in the face of possible criticism. It’s very hard to find a partner when you are hiding your sexuality. And besides, having a boyfriend blows the secret out of the water somewhat! So meeting someone is often part of the whole self acceptance and coming out stage of your life, and you’ll arrive at that when you feel ready.

Don’t fall into negative thinking as a default behaviour patter, Sam. The world isn’t out to get you, although gay people can often feel as if it is. Most people are just concerned with their own worries, and don’t notice other people with real intent of meaning. A bit of eye contact with someone you don’t know doesn’t mean they’re truly ‘looking’ at you or even giving you a second thought. Most people have neutral intent toward strangers. That means they aren’t looking for a fight, nor are they looking to become your best friends. They’re simply getting on with their lives and mean you no harm. So stop looking over your shoulder and expecting trouble. We can’t control what people think and say, so if someone thinks you are gay and wants to shout about it, then you’ll just have to lean on your friends for support and learn to cope. It’s a hard fact of life. But this hasn’t happened. Nobody is out to expose you or humiliate you. You can afford to relax and let your guard down a little.