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Hello Brown Eyed Guy,

You shared a wonderfully romantic time with this guy during those two weeks, and nothing can ever take those memories away from you. It sounds like a very intense time where feelings were running high and you were able to focus on each other. But holidays come to an end. People return to their homes and once again concentrate on their regular lives. Holiday romances can turn into more, but it’s tricky, or even impsossible, if the people involved live in different countries.

It sounds as though the other guy has began to move on, which explains why he is no longer as engaged as you are. It’s always hard when one person seems more invested than another, but it’s important to realise that you can’t change how someone feels. If your two weeks together are no more than a nice memory to this guy then you’re going to have to work at moving on. It may feel like you never will because it seems like there are no other gay guys around and that you’re the only person feeling this pain - neither of these things are true. As time goes by you’ll see it. I know it’s hard but it’s best for you to face the facts: you shared a brief romance that’s over now, and the object of your affections lives in another country and no longer seems to feel as intensely about your relationship as you do. Even if you were a wealthy adult, you would not be able to see each other very often and it would require a great deal of effort and commitment from both parties to keep a relationship going.

There’s nothing wrong with keeping in touch with this guy, but I think it is healthy for you to focus more on what’s going on around you at home. How might you have a more fulfilling social life so that you aren’t as lonely? Have you spoken to a friend or trusted adult about your troubles? What plans do you have for the future so that your life can be more like you want it to be? You can’t simply turn off your feelings for this guy but you can do things to make yourself feel better. Spending lots of time remembering those two weeks, chasing after him and feeling sad isn’t good for you in the long term, though it may feel like an irresistible refuge right now.

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Hi Britney,

The decision to have sex - to share you body - is yours alone, and nothing to do with your friends. Sex should only happen when you have found someone you want to share it with. There shouldn’t be any pressure involved. It may seem that it’s common to have a blasé attitude to sex these days, but it is still a big deal and should be considered carefully. You have to consider the risks and think about protection. Sex comes wrapped in powerful emotions, and it's about sharing yourself in a complete and deeply intimate way. Most people are nervous, and even scared, at the thought of their first sexual experience. Sex can be scary when it’s with someone new, even for experienced adults. But sex is also a wonderful, enriching and natural act that exposes us to some of the greatest experiences life has to offer, and certainly isn't bad or wrong or something to feel guilty about. That special closeness with another is something we're all naturally inclined to want.

I wonder why your friends are so eager for you to have sex. Have they all lost their virginity already? Perhaps it wasn’t the earth-shattering experience they'd hope and they envy you a little that you’re taking your time. Perhaps they think that once you join the club you’re all be on even terms again. But it’s okay to stand firm and be different. Rushing into sex when you’re not ready will leave you feeling crappy and empty. It’s not like you can lose your virginity twice and, trust me, it’s not a nice feeling when you’re getting dressed afterwards thinking that it was disappointing and that you chose the wrong person to do it with.

We’re all different. Some people are quite free and easy with their bodies, having sex with lots of people. That’s fine if they’re careful, don’t hurt anyone, and genuinely have fun. Some of us are more sensitive and chose to share ourselves with one person we have feelings for. That’s okay too. It doesn’t make a person boring to want to find a Mr or Mrs Right before getting into bed. Some people are a bit of both behaviours as they go through life, learning about themselves and seeing what feels right.

Take your time. You’ll know when you truly want to take that step. In the meantime, tell your friends you’re picky and want to wait for a worthy person at a point in time that suits you.

For more about sex see the dedicated section.

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Hi Jenn,

Don’t worry - I don’t have the urge to shoot myself after reading your email, but I do have the urge to have a lie down! Your head is spinning at a hundred miles an hour and you’re juggling many big questions at the same time. You’re also putting a lot of pressure on yourself to know who and what you are, to declare it to yourself and the world and then get busy dating. Slow down. Your friends will just have to find other things to think about because you can’t rush your body or sexuality. You don’t have many answers at the moment, but in time you will. I was 15 when I realised I was gay. Contrary to popular opinion, straight kids don’t just wake up at day zero and know what they are. It’s the same - and different - for everyone, with confusion and discovery.

Don’t date anyone! As long as you are unsure of what you want then you shouldn't be getting into a relationship. The only time anyone should get into a romantic relationship is because they find the other person attractive. All the time you’re not sure who you find attractive, or even what gender appeals most (if either), then you should stick to friendships.

The difference between friendship and a romantic interest can be hard to describe, but you’ll often hear clichés about how you’ll simply ‘know’, about butterflies in the tummy, how you’ll think about that person all the time and walk around in a daydream with a permanent grin. There’s truth in all of that, to one extent or another. There are also powerful and new sexual feelings that you'll experience when someone excites you. All that stuff happens in its own sweet time, sometimes creeping up slowly - sometimes seeming to hit suddenly. If you don’t have a clear idea about your sexuality - and many older people don’t - and you’re unsure of how those around you make you feel, then you need more time. Try not to think of every interaction with a friend as a test of your sexuality. It felt good to hold your friend’s hand and be close to her, but that wasn’t a definitive indication of your sexuality. Enjoy time with friends and trying new things, and just casually notice how different people make you feel. I know you want answers, but they don’t tend to come quicker because you’re constantly analysing everything. Enjoy yourself and this time of discovery. The person putting the most pressure on you is you, so tell yourself - and anyone else hassling you - to be patient.

As for your brother, the words he’s using aren’t important - the fact he’s bullying you is. Have you spoken to your parents about it? You might also try speaking to him directly. Calmly, without getting into a row, explain that he’s hurting you and making your time in the home difficult. You might, depending on any previous closeness you might have had with him, explain that you’re not sure about a lot of things right now and that he’s not making life any easier for you. Maybe he’s got things on his mind too that he could do with talking about.

To summarise: slow down. Don’t worry about your sexuality and don’t be in hurry to label it. Answers will come in time. We’re complex creatures but our bodies do eventually get round to giving us the information we need about what makes us tick. Don’t put life on hold in the meantime: get out and have fun with the people who make you feel good. And don’t worry about the sexuality of other people - let them worry about that! Lastly, wake that brother of yours up to your hurt, either by talking to him, getting your folks involved, or both.

Don't forget to have a good read of the content on this website and the other problem page entries.

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Hi Jazminee,

In an ideal world the decision to reveal your sexuality wouldn’t be based on the likelihood of being bullied, but in reality I know most young people have to weigh it up. The girl you like is heterosexual so you know that a romantic relationship isn’t possible with her, but if she’s a close friend and a good person then you may decide that talking to her about your feelings is useful. I’ve written a piece about how to handle having feelings for a straight friend that you might find useful.

I know it’s hard being different, but we don’t have any control over our sexuality. It’s not a problem when surrounded by good, mature and accepting people. In school, and throughout life, that may not always be the case. And so part of being different is having to find the courage to be who you are and get on with your life, uncompromised, while a few may look on with disapproval.

Bullying is unacceptable, and a person’s sexuality is no excuse for turning them into a victim. I’ve written about bullying in the dedicated section. You may also find my information about bisexuality useful.

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Hi Nick,

You wanted a better reaction from this guy, but I can understand why he was stumped. It’s hard, but a romantic relationship isn’t going to happen with him. I can’t tell you any different if I’m doing my job properly.

Putting yourself in his shoes for a moment, imagine that a female friend, who you thought you knew most things about, confessed that she had romantic feelings for you and wished you could be an item. You’re a gay guy and she knows it, but she’s told you anyway and seems to be looking for something positive and affirmative back from you. The most you could do is be gentle with her feelings and tell her that you value the friendship and can’t give her more. The guy you like didn’t handle things as carefully as that, which must have hurt, but you can probably understand why he was stumped and unsure how to respond. He can't give you what you want and he may also be wondering what this means for the friendship.

You did a brave thing, putting yourself on the line like that, and you shouldn’t feel bad about your feelings. You aren’t the first person, gay or straight, to fall for someone they can’t be with. It’s not always wise to tell the unavailable person regardless, but at the very least you must feel relieved that the truth is out. You must have weighed up your need for honesty against any possible gains or losses. Your news has put him on the spot and changed the rules of the friendship. You’re both going to have to figure out what this means for the future. If you want him in your life then you'll have to come to terms with the fact that he’s romantically unavailable and to somehow put him at ease, showing that more has stayed the same than changed. If he’s worried about hurting you or analysing everything he says and does so as not to lead you on, then the friendship will be strained. Likewise, if he’s worried that you are checking him out or flirting all the time, that will be a problem too. You could do with having a talk with this guy and seeing where you stand. It would be a shame for a friendship to suffer needlessly. If it’s not too painful to be around him, then there’s no reason you can’t continue to hang out. It’ll get easier and one day you won’t have that extra ‘ouch’ factor when you spend time together.

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Hi Vinnie,

You are not confused and you are are bisexual. One big source of your unease with your same-sex desire is because of the attitudes of those around you, predisposing you to feel bad about it before it even happened.

You have all the facts and all the information you need right there in your email:

• You like girls and always have done. You may very well find happiness with a woman
• You also like guys, physically and emotionally, and this side of you has developed as you’ve got older and become brave enough to face it and ask questions of yourself
• You have some unease around your same-sex feelings, influenced by negative societal attitudes toward gay and bisexual people. If you learn to accept that side of yourself then you’d open up another possible door to fulfillment and happiness

So how does a healthy, happy bisexual, comfortable and at peace with their lot, get on with life? Much like anyone else. If you’re at peace with whatever direction your attractions take you, then you have every chance at a fulfilling time on the planet. It seems that you need to work on ditching your hang-ups. You like guys and it’s not optional. What if an amazing person comes into your life who blows you away... but they happen to be male? Are you going to miss out and beat yourself up because you’re worried about what Dad will say? That’s a compromised, crappy way to live. Of course, if you like women as much as you say then there’s every chance Mrs Right will find you before Mr, but make sure that it’s a case of who comes along first, not who fits in with a plan to keep the family happy.

Think about how strong your feelings are for men and if that’s a part of yourself you want to actively explore. That means deliberately seeking gay or bisexual men and giving yourself sexual and romantic opportunities with guys. Be honest with yourself. It’s completely fine to just get on with your life and see who fate puts in your path, but if you’ve got particular needs and desires they may go unmet if you’re not proactive because, let’s face it, not everyone is lucky enough to just stumble upon a romantically available gay or bisexual hunk (tell me about it).

Consider joining a site like outeverywhere.com or seeing if there are any gay/bi groups in your area. Even propping up the bar in a local gay pub might help you to feel more at ease with the whole concept. These are just regular people - with their share of good and bad traits - looking for the same things you are.

In summary, you already have all the information you need. Ditch the negative attitude around same-sex relationships. Free of that, you can look at your own desires more clearly and work at making changes to facilitate getting what you want.

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Hi George,

I think you’re wrong that the majority of people in the world right despise gay people. ‘Despise’ is a very strong word. I’d suggest that some people, the minority, have an irrational, deep-seated and unchangeable hatred of gay people, but that many more are uncomfortable - rather than hate-filled - with homosexuality, out of fear, unfamiliarity or ignorance. I think there’s room for positive change with people like that. Many more are indifferent, accepting or supportive. Sure, some countries have a culture of intolerance toward gay people, and there are certainly parts of the world I’ll happily steer clear of. But so are there parts of the world my straight friends would steer clear of too, because some cultures would disapprove of sex before marriage, for example. You can’t expect everyone to approve of everything you do and have some kind of global validation or acceptance. Heck, there are plenty of people out there who would still treat people of different races unfavourably. You don’t need approval from everyone. Focus on those who are important to you: loving, kind people who you want to be surrounded by. Hateful nutters from far flung places don’t matter except for those gay people unfortunate enough to live there too.

I know there is hate closer to home and, again, I urge you to focus less broadly. You may not be able to stroll around holding hands with a guy in every neighbourhood, but what’s important is that your friends and family are supportive, that you feel safe in your home and surrounding environment, and that you’re treated fairly at work and have the same rights and opportunities as straight folk. Don’t suffer because some people are hateful. You see other people in school who are out and happy, and you say you live in a liberal environment where friends and family are accepting of gay people. These are important facts and not to be swept aside because some kids repeat on Twitter what they heard their dad say once about gays. The world isn’t perfect, not for gays and not for straights. That shouldn’t paralyse you in your tiny part of it.

I think the bullying you have suffered in the past has battered your confidence. You sound depressed and you need help for the self-harm. Time for some change. What is stopping you from talking about your sexuality and how you feel to a friend or family member, when you say they’re fine about gay people? Why not reach out and let those who care about you offer some support? Perhaps talk to a school counsellor. There’s no reason why you can’t also be one of the happy, out people in school. The only thing that’s different between you and them is these negative thinking habits and traps you’ve fallen into. You are 17 - a very young man - and have many years ahead. Don’t waste time looking back and getting down about time spent being down! Look ahead. The world is a real mix of positive and negative, and that goes for everyone, but it sounds as though your part of it is pretty good. Give those around you a chance to be there for you. I’m sure they’d be sad if they knew you were suffering. Especially since it seems so needless.

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Hi Scott,

Why is it that you beat yourself up over being gay? Your sexuality isn’t something you can change, nor should have to. Are the people around you very hostile toward gay people? Were you raised in a negative, unsympathetic and homophobic environment? Are your family and friends bigots? Have you seen other gay people being treated badly in your home town? Do a bit of soul-searching and try to identify the blockage here: something is stopping you from accepting your lot and making the best of it. Something is trapping you and preventing you from having a rich and enjoyable time on this planet. I have a feeling it’s you.

What’s so dreadful about fancying guys? You want a family - you can still have one. You want love, romance and sex - you can have them. As a gay man, there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t meet someone, fall in love, and build a happy, healthy future together, if that’s what you want. You clearly want to reach out, since you’ve been chatting to guys online. But you choose to deny yourself the opportunity to meet them and allow the possibility of a relationship to come into your life. Why? You're punishing yourself for no good reason; nobody else is giving you a hard time.

You are wrong in saying that because you can’t accept your sexuality then others won't either. You may find that some are very supportive and, via their acceptance, you may find it easier to be kinder to yourself, which is certainly something you need to work on. Allow someone else to be okay about your sexuality. You don’t need to be over the moon about being gay in order to let someone else be cool about it. Let people help. Those who care about you will want to.

I remember a night out in London many years back. I went to a gay bar with a group of straight friends from work. It was a lovely evening. I was single at the beginning and the end of the night, but that was okay. I was surrounded by happy, confident gay men and had no rational reason not to count myself as one of them. After all, being gay wasn’t a crime I was committing. Why shouldn’t I be accepted by friends and have an enjoyable evening, filled with possibilities? On the walk back to the train station I saw a man - probably mid-30s - crying and shouting about his inability to accept his homosexuality. He’d clearly gone to Soho to connect with people and break down a barrier or two, but was terribly distressed at his own insistence on feeling bad about who he was. There was nobody with him giving him a hard time, nobody stopping him from entering a bar and striking up a conversation. Nobody preventing him from seeing that he's not so different from those confident guys who are getting on with their lives. He wasn't a confused teen, but a grown-up man. I remember thinking that life is far too short for good people to feel bad about not being straight. Nobody is born with hangups about their sexuality. We develop those as we grow up, based on the attitudes of others and what we think we should be in order to be acceptable.

It’s down to you to recognise your sexuality for what it is: a foundation from which to build. Nothing more. If it’s bad or wrong or evil it’s only because you’ve decided as much. Give yourself a break.

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Hi Lee,

Sexuality isn’t a black-and-white issue and it’s often not as simple as “I like girls” or “I like guys”, as you’ve discovered with this man in drag. You obviously had a good time, but it’s left you with questions about your sexuality. Even though this man was dressed in female clothing you still knew he was a guy, so it shouldn’t be a big shock when I state here that you had gay sex that night. Once the frock was off, you weren’t shocked to discover a man underneath. Cross-dressing doesn’t make you gay - plenty of straight men enjoy cross-dressing - but sleeping with a man does. At the very least, it’s safe to say that you are bisexual.

You talk about your own cross-dressing in terms of not being able to give it up. Why try? If you enjoy it and it feels right, then there’s no reason why it can’t be a part of your life. I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there who are into it too who you can enjoy it with. And as for this guy who you enjoyed a night with, why not see him again? To deny yourself something you want and enjoy seems bonkers to me. You’ll only make yourself feel down and frustrated. A self-imposed abstinence benefits no one.

You can analyse and pick apart all the things you feel, or just enjoy something that feels right. Seeing this guy again isn't a lifelong commitment or definitive statement about all your sexuality will every be. It’s just what feels good right now, and is giving you some insights into who you are. Have fun.

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Hi Adam,

The experiences you had with your friend when younger haven’t made you gay. In fact, these sort of experiences and experiments are common in young people, at a time when sexual feelings are starting to emerge and we become curious about others. But it’s not the case that the first person we get close to solidifies our adult sexuality. Your lack of sexual interest in females is nothing to do with what happened when you were younger. You weren’t sexually abused: you shared - and apparently enjoyed - a level of intimacy with a male friend. There’s nothing wrong with that. Many straight men report that they had some same-sex experiences when younger, and many gay men have had experiences with women too.

Memories of what happened are bothering you and they shouldn’t. Neither of you did anything wrong. Time to accept it and let it go. As you say, you need to stop being hard on yourself and leave the way clear to discovering who you are. It’s in our nature to become a touch obsessive and get fixed on thinking about particular things, but that can change. You may find my mental health section useful when it comes to fostering better and more positive ways of thinking.

So how do you feel about guys and girls now? Many people your age don’t have all the answers, so don't feel bad if you can't answer that question fully, or even at all. It sounds as though there's a degree of interest in guys that you feel bad about, but a lack of sexual interest in females alongside an appreciation of their attractiveness. In my reply to Scott (also on this page) I talk to him about why he feels bad about being gay, so I won’t repeat all that here, but I do urge you to spend some time thinking about why feelings of same-sex attraction bother you so much and why it’s become a big hurdle that you’re struggling with. So what if what happened with your friend was a precursor to your true adult sexuality? Would that be the end of the world? No, it just means you fancy guys and you got an early start in exploring it. As for your lack of interest in women, that doesn’t mean that you’ll never fancy any. You may be bisexual but lean more toward men. Moving through life you'll meet many people who cause you to feel different ways.

Your sexuality will form and make more sense to you as you get older. The distress over your past hasn’t helped you to see clearly, but perhaps you can start to be kinder to yourself now and pave the way for greater clarity. It’s absolutely essential that whatever way your sexuality leans that you feel okay about it. Guilt and hang-ups won't change who you are - they’ll just make you feel dreadful about it and prevent you from getting close to people. Again, there’s nothing alarming or unusual in your email and, of course, there’s nothing wrong with being gay. The problem is how you choose to classify what happened in your past and how you choose to feel about your present, burgeoning sexuality.

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Hi Katherine,

Your teacher did the right thing by contacting your parents after you told him of your suicidal thoughts. If you were to hurt yourself and he hadn’t informed anyone about what you said, then he’d have failed to protect you or to get you the proper help. Often counsellors will keep everything confidential, whether dealing with a child or adult, but break that confidentiality only if they think their client is in danger. It’s a similar situation with your teacher.

The problem now is that, as far as he’s concerned, you’re in a risk group and he will be more likely to discuss your case with others in order to protect you and ensure that he’s doing his job properly. Having said that, discussions around sexuality shouldn’t be reported to parents unless he feels that it’s linked to the suicidal thoughts.

When it comes to reporting the bullying you suffer on the bus, sexuality is completely irrelevant. It doesn’t matter what names the bullies call you or what excuses they use for giving you a hard time. The relevant information that a teacher needs is that the bullying is occurring at all and who the perpetrators are. What you choose to tell the teacher about your sexuality - if anything - is up to you. In other words, you can report homophobic bullying without coming out. Your teacher may ask you what words the bullies use to hurt you, but listing them is not an admission of bisexuality. Please speak to your teacher about the bullying as soon as possible. It’s not fair or right that anyone should be afraid and unable to get the most out of school. Please see my bullying section for more.

If you feel that you want to talk about your sexuality generally, then perhaps speak to a friend or family member, someone who won’t report to your parents. You have a right to privacy, but as a yound person this can be harder to find.

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Hi Angel,

You did a very brave thing by coming out and I’m sorry that you haven’t had a positive reaction from the people around you. You haven’t done anything wrong by asking your loved ones to accept your sexuality and to treat you the same as before. You paid them a great compliment by being so open and honest. Many homes are full of secrets and unhappy people, but you opened up and told the truth.

Since your family have reacted in such a negative way and are being cruel by not speaking to you at all, it’s best that you don’t raise the subject of your sexuality in the immediate future. You’ve given the news, so there’s no need to emphasise it or press the issue. Your family have decided not to create an environment where a family member can discuss sexuality freely, and this isn’t something you can change easily, no matter how frustrated you must feel. Allow time for the dust to settle. Try to be calm and not create or get into situations of conflict. In time, your family will have no choice but to accept - or at least tolerate - your sexuality, especially when you meet someone special that you plan to build a future with. If they choose not to budge, then they risk missing out on being an important part of your life. That would be their decision and not as a result of something you’ve done wrong. Remember, they are supposed to be the grown-ups here, with all the wisdom that suggests, but they’re choosing to behave in a childish and cruel way. Try not to judge them too harshly, as they are products of their own upbringing, but know that by coming out and being honest with your family you have shown far greater maturity and a desire to create an open and accepting - a better - family dynamic.

Be patient, be the grown-up. Make plans, talk to friends and adults who are more accepting and supportive. Make the most of any resources available to you. Don’t let this unfortunate start put a negative light on future coming out plans. Not everyone will behave as your family have. You can be happy, and surrounded by accepting people. And there’s always hope that your family will come around, even if it takes a while. Coming out was an incredible brave and positive thing to do. Don’t lose that optimistic momentum because you’ve been let down on this occasion.